Fallen Thunder

Fallen Thunder

Numb;
Thick lumps,
Leeched onto my throat.
My chest,
Heavy,
So heavy,
Thick like internal thunder.

Numb;
Cancer lumps,
Clustered tears.
Storm cloud
Ready to burst,
Spill,
Spin,
Whirl,
Thrash me to the ground.

Numb;
Malignant lumps alive in me.
A body like a sponge,
As I lay sessile
Softened by the grains of sand.
Resting,
Waiting
For the next tide to rise,
The next storm
To drown the motionless tears.

Paralyzed;
Chest tightens.
No relief,
Never relief,
Not tonight.
Pulled,
Sucked under.
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxiation.
The nightmare come to death.

No sailors out tonight,
To fetch the dead cast off.
No lighthouse out tongiht,
To brighten death's foreboding coffin.

I am out tonight.
Out,
Stuck,
Enveloped by the horror;
The horror of Ed.
So cruel
Yet so coldly predictable.
Mild heart attack…
Unanswered questions,
Puzzled predicament,
Ignoring bulimia all the while.

I cannot cry for you,
Because Ed will strangle me blue.
I cannot even cry for me,
Because Ed
Waits,
Plans
My next foul play;
Pouncing when i am weak.
Even this uneasy anticipation
Serves Ed's deceitful hand;
Hollowing out my heart,
Cloroxing my mind,
Depleting me,
Taunting me,
Blaming me.

If only I had more time.
If only I called more,
Helped more,
Listened more.
If only …
I had the strength
To haul your heart ashore;
Ed would not have knocked
Death so close at your door.
Mind first,
Body second,
Mutually murdering you through every purge;
Every purge many times,
Many times every purge,
Over and over each day.

If only I didn’t have Ed
I could have been strong,
Strong enough to save you too.