... But She Smiled

There was a pain, a pain so sharp and strong that no string of words could describe it. It was like nothing that she had ever felt before, but at the same time it was so familiar that it was almost expected. This pain could not be described as either a physical or emotional, but rather a new hybrid that was created for the sole purpose of making even the most strong-willed crumble. It could knock down walls and tear people apart with one graze of a plam or a single glance from its cold eyes. It had been bottled up and repressed inside of her for so long that it was intensified one hundred fold. The place in which she held it finally exploded and now all she could do was grit her teeth and bear it. There was so much pressure built up insde of her, so much of this pain that had been pushed onto her that all it had taken was one tiny prick to pop this solid fortress, this invincible exterior. In the beginning it had been impeneatrable, nothing could get in or out. now even the smallest of catalyst, the tiniest little leak, could create so many problems. So many more than she was ready for, so much more than she could handle. By this time she was all alone. Deserted by loved ones, left by herself for the wolves. Out to face the world on her own. Not a soul to help her through anything tha was about to happen. She was left without a soul in the world to depend on. A story like her's has no beginning and the end is always so close but never within reach. It is neither of those things that matter. They are just the start of so many things that are not known. But this is not about what has come before or what we wish to come after. All that matters is the present, the here and now. We cannot get caught up in the past, for then there is no future. And we cannot rely soley on the future because then we are not living life as we should, not embracing what we can. All we can do is live through the present, hold on to what we have and let go of what we can't. So long as we do that we can make through these trials. She did not know this, however,. Her present was so unbareable that all she could do was live in the future. All she had to believe in was the hope that one day she could move on and get out. She never made it to that day. She got so caught up in everything bad that she could not see the small bits of good that perserved and shone through. Although few and far between she could not identify them and would not listen to others when thay tried to guide her through the storm that had settled in her mind and over her heart. She could not blame anyone for anythingthat had happened to her and she never did.She never asked for help and turned down any sort of hand out presented. When it all started she ignored it nd put on a facade so as to hide it from everyone. She was good at it, even she believed herself when she protested that everything was fine. Soon though she was saying it more to convince herself than anyone else. After a while she stopped trying, she stopped talking to others, soon she couldn't even talk to herself. For a while she tried to communicate but eventually she just gave up and quit trying all together. everyone tried, hey knew she could be saved. All they had to do was convince her that she could pull through. But by the time they realized what they had to do she was too far gone to be saved by anyone but herself. One by one they gave up on her and left. Everytime they did she got one step closer to letting go. It was not long before they had all left. That was the last straw, it was what pushed her over te edge. It was then only a matter of time until she shut down completly. It did not end quickly and painlessly. Oh no. She had come too far and fought for too long to just let it end in the snap of a finger. The way it ended was long and dragged out. And it tortured her for every second that it existed. Every moment that her body ached and her muscles strained she was there. Every ounce of pain was felt and not one moment of peace passed. Yet she smiled through it all. Not just a small grimacing smile or a cynical smirk but a big, toothy, anxious, ear-to-ear smile like the one seen on the face of a child the first time they enter an amusement park. She smiled for everyone that left her and for the no one that was there. She smiled for every second that she had lived and she smiled for every year that she would be dead. But most of all she smiled for herself. She smiled because she was finally being true to herself, finally doing something that she wanted. She smiled because she knew what came after. It was a place of sheer bliss. There was no sadness, no depression, no illness. None of the nasty things that were in the real world. She smiled because she found her home.