A boy named Robin

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‡ A Boy Named Robin
By Sabrina Carl
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¶Chapter 1: Becky ¶
The sound of The Clash pounded into the ears of a sixteen year old boy who was running from imaginary police as the protagonist of the song ran from real ones.
Simultaneously on a connecting street ran a girl of the same age trying to knock a stranger off her trail, who had followed her off the city bus. Now she was turning into an alley, unfortunately she came to a dead end and found herself trapped. “You should calm down. I want to talk to you” he said. “What’s your name?”
She said nothing, but gave him a confused and worried look. “Umm Becky” she hoped if she would talk to him he wouldn’t hurt her.
“Your shoes match your nails. I like that”
She looked at her own outfit. Her shoes were dyed green and her nails painted black.
“Yes, well not exactly.” The stranger reached for her hair and she took a step back. “If you touch me I’ll scream!”
The boy with the headphones had by accident strayed into the same alley, thinking quick he turned his music off and grasped Becky’s arm to lead her to safety. “Becky! I’ve been looking all over the world for you! You really should tell me where you’re going. So anyway as I was saying, cats and dogs should never mate. I mean I know it sounds crazy but I had this friend who‘s dog really did do something with the cat, and they had this baby that-” Becky allowed herself to be escorted by him even more confused. Her bodyguard kept looking back over his shoulder. Making her pick up her pace he turned into a public library where there were people and no one would dare make a scene. She looked at the boy from ankle to face, noticing first his clothing. His hips snuggled tight to black pants, from his wrist he wore a key chain as a charm on a bracelet, and on his face he wore lots of make up. It was obvious he was a Nancy Boy yet that didn’t matter to her, she felt safe in his delicate presence. “Is he gone?”
He wasn’t looking at her but around. “Yes” the words were drawn out as he nodded.
“Thank you…What’s your name?”
Smiling he looked at her. “I’m Robin. I go to your school, and I’m in your class” A sudden thought struck her. “God! I must have seen you a thousand times before! I never realized it” She felt negligent for walking past him every day. Frowning, she pictured him in another shirt. The shirt he was wearing the one time she did notice him. “Weren’t you the guy who got kicked out of English class for wearing a porno shirt?” He laughed in the manner of someone who was proud of a good joke. “Yeah that was me. That sucked too. I just made that shirt”
That he would want to transfer porn images on to his shirt she found disgusting, but she didn’t say anything, she nodded. On second thought every teenage boy had an interest and urge for sex.

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The chocolate syrup bottle was tilted up draining it’s sweet nectar into Robin’s mouth. “ROBIN!” his Mother Derica scolded while walking into the kitchen. He jumped and went back to making a glass of chocolate milk. “Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again. You’ll make us all sick” Derica said, while starting on a cup of tea. Leaning into the refrigerator where she couldn’t see him, he licked the top of the syrup bottle. He closed the door standing up straight and acting casual, taking his milk into another room.
A green vase sat on top of a decorative stand in a corner containing red flowers that looked similar to cotton. It’s single purpose was decoration. Robin picked a bloom as he drank his milk and tucked it into the pocket of his blue overalls. Nothing could appear more boyish. The glass was left with only the film and set beside the vase. “I’m going out!”
She shook her head and walked over to where he stood. “Not on my table! How many times have I told you not to set things here?!” Picking up the glass she continued to shake her head. As Derica started walking back into the kitchen, she said something under her breath she hoped he didn‘t hear, but of course he did. “Exactly like your Grandfather”
If you knew Robin’s family you knew this wasn’t a compliment. Robin picked up his back pack and headed out.
It didn’t take long to reach Becky’s house and knock on her door. Her father looked him up and down. “Yes?”
“Hi I’m Robin, I walked Becky home the other day?”
“Oh! I’ll get her for you” he winked as he left making sure Robin felt himself to be in friendly company.
Becky’s face lit up as she saw him. “Hi!! What are you doing here? Glad to see you! Come in”
“I was wondering if you wanted to come out?” he asked.
“Sure” Becky stepped outside her door. “Be back by ten!” called her father after them. The walk was pleasant and conversation picked up as they entered the music store. Robin excused himself to use the restroom as Becky was left looking at Placebo cds. She looked up from ’black market music’ to see his face grinning back at her from the opposite row. He was wearing headphones listening to something. With no intention of buying anything she approached him. Robin was no longer wearing overalls but a long white skirt paired with a sleeveless red shirt. “These guys rock!” he said, hanging on to a disc . “Who is it?” she wasn’t able to take her eyes off his new outfit. “Rammstein! Have you heard them?”
“No” she shook her head.
“Oh you’re missing out!”
The cashier announced the total and he pulled out a black wallet decorated with school stickers. “You changed your clothes” she couldn’t say nothing any longer. They left the store walking into the mall’s food court. “I feel more comfortable in girl’s clothes but my parents would kill me if they knew I wore them”
Becky nodded her head appearing to understand. “Do you want to borrow some of mine?” His smile was the biggest Becky had ever seen.

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Robin sat on top of Becky’s bed allowing soft clothing to hit him in the head. “Oooh! This would look so good on you!!” On one hand Becky would have preferred being seen with a boy in boy’s clothing, on the other hand since she knew it was important to Robin, she wanted use him for a living Barbie doll. She had pulled out an icy blue long sleeved shirt of lace. “You can pair it with this!” and a mini skirt that’s color was comparable to a tie dyed sunset. He was half expecting to be dressed in something boring or horrible, instead he was impressed. “Not half bad. I like that”
“Put it on! Put it on! I’ll do your make up when you come out!”
Robin changed in her bathroom finding the red high heels comfortable. In the mirror he had to admit it did look pretty hot. When he walked again into her room he heard the sounds of ‘Teenage Angst’ a song by her favorite group. Extolling them, he sat down in front of scattered make up. Gentle brushes swept across his eyelids and cheeks. Eyes were still closed as heavy gloss was applied to his lips. Then he felt a new kind of touch. Becky’s lips were pressed against his. His eyes opened as she leaned back. There was a feel of complete silence despite the background music, and even the clicks of his bracelets seemed extra loud as he searched for words. “Umm..hmm. Becky I.. I’m flattered but I didn’t feel anything”
“Oh” she would not allow herself to feel offended. “I’ve never kissed anyone before” he looked away. New emotions were arising in him. “Well maybe that’s it? Maybe if I teach you how to kiss and you get used to kissing, you’ll feel something?”
“Maybe” he agreed, “but I think I’m gay”
They laughed feeling ridiculous and serious at once. At this age Robin knew most boys were feeling hyper sexual. It depressed him he didn’t feel much of a click with the other males who wanted to joke about sex and talk about women. After their lesson in tongue he was completely sure. “Sorry Becky. I’m.” His body exhibited frustration as he took his leave, asking himself why he couldn’t feel for this girl? This exquisite girl.


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The night was made beautiful as a ghostly vision in white walked out under the stars. Standing beneath the moonlight Robin hit a small stone to Becky’s window. The stone didn’t make a clicking noise alone, it busted the glass. Becky ran to the window in her nightgown. “What are you doing?!”
“Come down with me! I bought a motorcycle!”
Becky’s figure left the window and returned from the back door to sneak up on him. Pushing at his back, she went, “Boo!” Robin jumped and screamed. Becky started to laugh as she put a hand over his red lips as his blue eyes shined. “Shh! My parents will hear you”
He batted her hands away. “Don’t do that! You look nice” he said, noticing she had gotten fully dressed with a camera around her neck. They mounted the bike discarded under the trees and escaped out the driveway the second the porch light clicked on. Becky wrapped her arms around his small yet pleasant waist and allowed her head to rest upon his back. She had known this boy a short while so far, but already, he made her feel safer than her father. Her hair blew in waves behind her as a romantic song played inside her head. As they past the harbor on the bridge the ebony sky was lightening to a silver azure as the orange sun rose to paint streaks of peach and purple on the clouds.
“You’re going too fast!” she said. “I’m trying to slow down!” Robin was still getting used to his new toy and twisted the wrong throttle increasing their speed off the road before crashing in a wooded area. They had been jolted but not thrown, the bike itself took the beating against the tree. “Are you okay?” Robin asked her. “I’m fine” she squeaked. After the dismount she took a photograph of the crashed bike. They walked on a nature trail to a hill where they watched the sun fully wake. Becky took her favorite photograph of Robin. Black hair sweeping to the front of his face as his profile stared passionately ahead, white skin absorbing the sun’s glow. After she had frozen him in time he looked at her eyes and she licked her lips. “Why did you bring me here?”
His answer was simple. “I knew you’d like it”
“No one understands me like you do” she told him “I can see it in your eyes.”
“All I truly understand is that you’re an artist”
She blushed to her neck. “That’s the best compliment anyone’s ever given me”
“It’s not a compliment. It’s the truth” he grasped her hand. The day had been made perfect.

¶Chapter 2: Jealousy¶
“Pick a sport, any sport” were the words of his father. Robin spent most of his childhood picking a sport. Softball at eight through ten, basket ball eleven to twelve, soccer and lacrosse thirteen to fourteen. There was no sport in which he clicked with his team mates, didn’t get physically injured, or was even good at despite having a promising height. At last at fifteen there was swimming. Arms stretched out like a cross, the entire body dancing gracefully airborne, spirits soaring as the water came crashing white around him. A cool liquid suspension of space while cutting through the water with the determination of a warrior to beat the opponent in the next lane. It could never be him to win, it had to be Robin. Robin wouldn’t allow himself to lose. A quick breath before water filled the nose and splashed his sight through the goggles. His hand could feel the wet slick wall before bouncing off to the pools other end. Heart sank as he saw his opponent ahead of him. This turn was always the trickiest part of the race. Every muscle in his back, legs, and arms screamed as they increased their speed. Pushing his body up out of the pool was effortless. No feeling of gravity came to him until he stood dripping on the concrete. The race had been called and Robin glared at his opponent taking off his swimmer’s cap to shake out sparks of blonde hair. This wasn’t a sport to please his father, here he excelled, this was his kingdom and fuck the bastard that tried to invade it.
Robin sat on the pool’s side, the water up to his thighs, angry eyes conjuring up images in the waves, but never feeling discouraged. He slid his serpentine form back into the pool, no feeling of competition, only emotion venting out through every pore and breast stroke. With every dive and rise from the bottom he felt changed, free, and reborn. Even when the moon set he didn’t forget about the blonde victor but kept in mind to do better next time.
Next time his body broke through the water faster than his mind. No second was left over for merely taking in a sensation, yet he could still feel the thrill of leaving behind lane one and three, knowing he was on his last run. Pulling himself out of the pool he heard his name announced to be the winner. Relief relaxed his body. There were no medals, or ribbons, at most congratulations from his friends and his mother. His father wasn’t present.

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The pistol looked real and felt heavy in the hand. Robin had been excited about learning how to shoot but was now wondering what his cousin Trudy The Great was doing here?
Trudy was about as tall as Robin but his body was more athletic, his light chestnut hair was kept shorter with more of defining curl, his jaw line was more masculine, and his grey-blue eyes were close to anime. He reminded Robin of a Roman gladiator but no matter how heroic he looked, Robin could remind himself there was still one area in which he excelled over his cousin, bladder control.
When Trudy came to spend a weekend with the family, Robin protested allowing him to sleep in his bed. There was of course the chance the boy had grown into his bladder by now but why risk it?
Arnold was turning over the b. b. gun and explaining the safety trigger and air cartridge to the both of them. Trudy pointed to the target and hit it the first time. He was genial as he handed the gun to his older cousin. “Nein! Nein! Take another shot! You’re a natural” Arnold patted Trudy on the shoulder. Robin could feel his quality time with his father slipping away and crossed his arms until the gun ran out of ammunition. It was reloaded and handed to Robin. Arnold hurried to correct his grip and remind him how to use the sight. The real problem was seeing the target. Not wanting to admit a weakness in front of them he squeezed the trigger. He heard the buzz of the tiny pellet but couldn’t make heads or tails of where it hit. Arnold nodded and Trudy looked surprised. “Close, close, but try again…and this time remember to put the safety back on as you reload it. Don’t squeeze the trigger so hard. Relax your arm” Robin squinted, the target looked indistinguishable from a rabbit’s tail. “I don’t know why you’re hesitating so much. It’s very easy” Trudy cut in. “Because I can’t see!” Robin said this with a vicious tone to his voice. “What do you mean you can’t see? You’re off to the left” Arnold touched Robin’s hand trying to help him aim it.
“I can do this!”
Arnold stood back and exchanged glances with Trudy. “Big boy now?” he commented with what Trudy thought to be a sad willowy quality. Robin shot off the gun and looked at Arnold’s face. “Yes, and bye the way, Grandpa’s taking me to the optometrist tomorrow”
Arnold took the gun and handed it back to Trudy hoping to forget that his son was turning into a copy of his father. Robin didn’t care much for the sudden theft, and would have given it up with pleasure just to be done with it, had he been asked. Another clap from the gun and applause from Arnold. Inside he felt hostile as he was starting to wish he hadn’t spoken anything in regards to his eye sight. He could feel Arnold’s eyes go through him as he spoke, “Do you want me to help you with your aim?” Robin shrugged, and then nodded after reminding himself he didn’t want to be difficult. When he received the special attention that he craved his aim had improved. The gun was put away and Robin started to walk back inside with thoughts of changing into his swimsuit.
He saw his father put his arms around Trudy and start jabbering to him about guns. Robin felt a little sorry for his cousin, knowing he would be kept in that conversation a long, long time.

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Once he got passed the test and blow he would be needing glasses, the optometrist wasn’t a bad visit. Sitting at a vanity with Alfred and Doctor Cass behind him picking out a pair of frames held some amusement in its own right. After rejecting a pair of square clear ones he looked at Alfred. “Can’t I get contacts instead?”
“No, they’ll grow fungus over your eyes. Try these” Alfred handed him a round turtle shell pair. Robin hated them in an instant. “We do have some very good brands of contacts. You can even get them in colors” Doctor Cass had spoken up and cheerfully nudged Robin in the shoulder. “I said no. Try these” Alfred did not want to add he was concerned about the constant cost of keeping up with them. This time he had chosen a pair of glasses at random. “I actually like these” Robin tilted his head studying his reflection. “They make me look like one of those smart villainous types.” Alfred got an instant mental picture of Robin becoming a pyro devil but could not find a legitimate excuse to say no. “Those are ladies frames” said Doctor Cass. Without delay Alfred took the glasses off. Robin blinked but silenced his protest. The doctor placed new selections on the table and returned the others. “I like those!” exclaimed Alfred. Robin wasn’t sure at first what he felt, there was something odd about them. He slicked back his hair and realized what it was. “They’re the exact same pair you have” he said, looking up at Alfred. “Get them” he advised. “Seeing myself look so much like you scares me.” He took the glasses off and Alfred laughed. “Want to be your own man?” he ran his thumb down Robin’s jaw, the instant reflex was a smile.
“I don’t want to look old”
The next contestant was a distracting black pair. “Internet genius techno geek. I like these! Besides, black goes with everything”
“They do fit you. However I was thinking intelligent author.” Alfred started petting Robin’s hair. “We’ll take them” they both said at once.
When Robin introduced his glasses Trudy started laughing but stopped and cleared his throat when Arnold and Derica started watching him. The dinner table was quite except for Trudy leaning over now and then to say, “I don’t understand why you would pick those glasses?” Robin was in the middle of bringing food to his mouth when he paused to answer. “To keep shallow people like you away” After washing his food down with tea he looked up to see both his parents glowering at him. “You’re excused Robin” said Derica. “But he-” Robin started to protest when Arnold cut him off. “You heard your Mother” Before going to bed he studied his glasses in the mirror. It didn’t matter what Trudy or anyone else said, he liked them.



¶Chapter 3:Kein Kuss Von Vater¶
Navigating through a crowded cafeteria was awkward enough without finding your tie in your pants. Hoping no one noticed Robin tugged out the cloth, feeling so embarrassed that the entire dining hall might as well have been laughing at him. He couldn’t tell what it was but it was supposed to be vegetarian so it didn’t matter. Feeling alone in the crowd, and stumbling his way around, he crashed into a grey suit and powder blue tie. Robin apologized and picked up the spilled cartons of milk. A hand turned up his face into one of angelic and masculine beauty. Slicked back hair and curvaceous eyebrows, his jaw lines were as broad as his shoulders, yet for all the man’s physical strength he kept a fragile quality. Soft strong hands arrested the black glasses uniquely fitting to the captive face. “Your eyes are very charismatic, but no one could know that as long as you wear these” the beauty idol waved the glasses through the air. “You should consider contacts my friend. Don’t worry about the mess, I bump into people all the time”
Robin felt more tranquil while standing up on the man’s cue. “I’m John Wolf. I’m new here” instead of extending his hand for a shake he handed Robin his glasses back.
“Thanks. I’m Robin. Funny, you don’t look like a student” John shook his head, thinking what a shame it was to hide such pretty eyes. “I’m the new drama teacher. We’ll be performing a version of Cabaret soon. You should try out, could be of interest to you” Robin nodded. “I’m already in the drama club, but I didn’t hear anything about Miss Anne leaving”
“What do you say we go somewhere else for lunch? Just the two of us?”
Robin hesitated calculating class times. On the other hand John was a teacher, and that was a helpful excuse. The conversation of two boys carried over to them. The first speaker was poking at a lump of something with gelled gravy on top. “What is it? Looks like something fierce” The second boy was leaning over the table in towards the first. “How should I know? I told you not to get it!” Robin looked back at John and accepted the invitation.
As they found the exit John inquired what prescription Robin wore. He named a direction that was common and mild. “It’s distance I have a problem with. Right now you look fine, but if you were a few feet away I might as well be seeing you through a piece of cheese cloth. Why?” John put his hands in his pockets. “I have a friend who’s an optometrist, that’s all”

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Robin stopped and asked for directions, the class was right under his nose. It didn’t matter how many times he walked the school halls, he ever needed a human map. John strolled over to him as he entered the room. Using discretion, he handed Robin a case made of connecting circles. “Put these in before the audition” he said. Robin inspected the gift and looked back at John. “What are they?” he asked. “Eye contacts. I made sure they were the right prescription” Robin shook his head and held the case against John’s chest. “I can’t accept these.” John pushed them back. “Please, I went through a lot of trouble.” It didn’t matter if John was lying or not, he still felt bad. “I don’t know how” he told him.
John led him into the bathroom and rinsed the invisible nothing over the sink. Robin couldn’t see it for the life of him. “Look straight ahead” John instructed, standing to his left clamping Robin’s eye open with his fingers. He tried watching his reflection, looking frightened with one fish eye. It was dreadful not to blink as a hard shield made his eye warm and tear. “Now close your eyes slowly” It wasn’t slowly but it was sufficient. “Blot as needed” John handed him tissue and began to open up the other eye. “Now let’s do the other one…How do they feel?” After blinking for the last time his eyes didn’t feel at all different. Robin was stunned by the appearance of his face without glasses. “Are my eyes honestly that bright?”
“As bright as the sun” John put his hand on Robin’s lower back. Nothing could have made him happier in that moment. He wrapped his arms around John’s neck, before he thought about it, his lips were on his teachers.

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“No do it more like this” John made wild open gestures with his hands as he spoke the following lines. “Outside it is raining, but in here, life is beautiful! The girl’s are beautiful! Even the orchestra is beautiful!”
Heart beating in sparkling nervous excitement, Robin watched from his chair. He had his heart set on the part of “Sally” but in an instant rejected the hope of achieving it. John took his own seat and let the boy go again. He was good and the teachers paid him special attention. “Robin Karl” another teacher announced. Mister Emery never pretended to be approachable, but for once as he took the center, the man smiled at him.

Robin mimicked John’s example equal to a well trained parrot. “That’s good” John spoke up. “Now do it more like yourself.” Robin went again but this time he delivered his lines with more cunning and allure. “But in here life is beautiful” purred the actor.
The audition continued with dance numbers. Robin watched himself in the mirror living on the opposite wall. He saw himself keep up with every beat and step. Then it was on to solo singing. Again waiting ages for his turn but with his ears covered. If he had to hear Cabaret sung so criminal one more time, he swore he’d scream! When it was his turn he handed the piano player his piece of music. He listened to the opening of the German ballad equal to rippling water, nodding along, and waiting for his entrance. His voice was abysmal, yet powdery, on occasion sounding thin and shy. “Thank you” said John, showing neither approval nor disapproval.
The audition was over and Robin left feeling inferior. One boy told him he was sure to get a part, he certainly stood out. “Not like me. I was one of fifty doing the same song” So the boy’s compliment wasn’t sincere, he was but fishing for his own. “Yeah but it was a song they wanted to know if you could do. I should have done that one”
The following week the herald of truth was posted on the school wall. Robin stood within a swarm of excited students. “How can I not get the part of the Emcee? Oh my God I’m just going to die!” shouted a boy ahead of him. Robin wondered who did as he moved ahead, not expecting the name that was typed. His throat was certain to choke on his heart when Becky embraced him and squealed. “Congratulations Robin! Oh and look I’m going to be your wife!”
“Hey so am I!” said another girl.

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Robin had loving parents but a confusing relationship with them. He related to his mother more than to his father. His mother evermore had been the kind one. The one to nurture his interest in finger painting and popsicle crafts when he was eight and nine, dance and acting eleven until now. His father protested against him going to dance classes for reasons beyond Robin’s comprehension. Derica would in turn object that there was nothing corruptive about the classes and drive Robin to them despite whatever his father said. It was this understanding that made Robin turn first to his mother. She was now in the kitchen busy cooking dinner over a stove. “Mutter can I talk to you?” he asked. She gave no sign that she had heard him. He knew the reason why and asked her again in German. Derica had her usual shifty uncomfortable body language. Robin knew neither of his parents felt comfortable talking to him if it seemed important. She answered him back in German to talk with his father.
Without exception Robin felt nervous when talking to his father, but now more so than usual, now he solely felt scared. He stood in-between his father and the t. v. “Vater can I talk to you please?” Arnold turned in his chair trying to look past Robin to see the television screen. Robin bit his bottom lip and blinked. Arnold was not without affection, he had regularly made sure his boy had plenty of hugs. But every time he held Robin to his chest the child instinctively turned up his face in expectation of something he wanted with intensity, something he couldn’t name until now. He thought on the times his father had embraced him. Riding skateboards with him down darkened resident streets, clasping him and making him feel to be the most protected possession in the world. He felt guilty to be demanding anything more. “Kann ich mit Ihnen sprechen?”he asked again, too nervous to be sure of his German. Arnold looked at him and rushed him with a sign of his hand to go on.
At most Robin’s mouth spit out choking sounds. “Is there something wrong with you?” Arnold inquired concerned. Robin didn’t take it to be concernment nothing but his callus face talking. He shook his head and left his question behind with his footsteps knowing if he lingered he would cry.
It was both of them that ran him inside a small den filled with trinkets from world war two where blue window curtains were busy pulling in the afternoon breeze and sunlight. In front of the window sat an old man that never appeared to change much, gazing and dreaming out. Grandfather Alfred he related to more so than even his mother. Although Alfred also came from Germany he never made his Grandson speak in German before he would listen. It seemed Alfred’s thick accent was more accustomed to speak rough English than perfect German. “Why have you never kissed vater? If you kissed vater, then vater would kiss me” Alfred nodded. “I have problem showing affection” he now turned his look on the boy. “I listen to cd you give me. The Clash?”
Robin was chirpy. “How did you like it?”
“It was okay. Not my kind of music but okay”
It was no family secret that Alfred had been a Nazi in the war. It was also no secret that his parents were ashamed of it, for that reason Robin held an everlasting belief that Alfred was on his side, the second outcast. When Robin was ten and finger painting was becoming obsolete, Alfred began to take an interest in dressing up his young grandson. He made for Robin his own uniform and talked to him lovingly as he tied the swastika around his arm. He wanted to mold his little solider. Robin wouldn’t hate him, he would understand. Robin remembered the first time he was dressed in Nazi uniform.
The sound of an open door cut through a show tune record. His tea became forgotten as Alfred stripped him in haste, and told him not to tell his father about the costume party. He forgot his pants as he exited his Grandfather’s room. Naturally Arnold inquired about them. He lied that they were dirty and felt dirty for telling his first lie. The costume parties did not fade, instead the uniforms grew bigger as Robin grew taller. Through the years the awkwardness melted and he looked forward to the secret tea times. Alfred’s voice sliced through his thoughts. “Your uniform feels rejected all by itself in the closet”
Robin beamed. “You read my mind.”
“How far along are you in Mein Kampf?” asked Alfred as Robin busied himself behind a changing screen. “I’m still on the first chapter” he confessed, “but I find it very interesting. Hitler was a talented writer.” Alfred waved his hand. “Ah! Still on first chapter. How can you still be on first chapter? You’ve had it for month”
“I’m sorry Grandpa, but between school, work, chores, swimming practices, homework, and anything else my parents can find to fit into my schedule, it’s hard to find free time. On occasion I break bed curfew exclusively to listen to my head phones. See, as long as I’m in my room no one cares what I do”
“Yes about that schedule I plan to talk to your father. A boy your age should have more free time for.. for” Alfred began to pace around his room and picked up a book of erotic love poetry. “For reading poetry to a frauline!”
“I appreciate that. In my opinion we could gladly cut out the weekend father son trips to the gym and almost everything we do on the weekends, give some of my chores to Mutter, I mean all she does is cook dinner and breakfast! I do the dishes and all the rest of the cleaning plus I make lunch, not to mention the outside chores such as mowing the lawn and cleaning out the gutters”
“Did your father ever tell you he enjoys your work in the theatre?” Alfred’s question surprised him. “What? He’s warming up to the Cabaret idea?”
“Warming up?” Alfred laughed. “He has always bragged about what a talented singer, dancer, and actor his son is!” Robin emerged fastening the arm band. “Your hair is still too long to be a Nazi, but I forgive you.” Robin shook his head. “I will never understand my father”
“And he will never understand you, not like I do. How good is your German?”
“Living here, pretty good”
“Never read this book” said Alfred putting it under lock and key.
After the book was safe Alfred poured Robin his tea. The cup looked so much smaller than it used too. “I need to be kissed. I never understood it until I saw Becky’s father kiss her. I need a kiss from vater, it doesn’t matter so much from mother” Alfred shook his head as he continued to listen. “I feel he has a daughter but he doesn’t know it. I don’t feel like a boy all of the time. I tried to talk to vater about girls, but he didn’t listen. He said I didn’t have to worry about not being aroused by them, that I didn’t need to be aroused. I do get aroused, but I get aroused when I kiss….when I kiss boys” A long pause followed. “You kiss boys?” Alfred confirmed. Robin nodded. “A man I know asked me to spend the weekend at his house.” Alfred’s paternal alarm sounded. “Robin, I advise against you staying at a man’s house. You’re old enough to make your own decisions but it will hurt me. This man, I am old enough to know what he wants. What he wants is.. Well you don’t want it”
“I know what he wants” Robin told Alfred with a serious emphasis from his head. “I want it too”
“I don’t want you to go and lose your virginity to this man. You are a virgin aren’t you?” “Currently” Robin assured him. “I promise I’ll think about it”
“You want me to cover for you don’t you?” Alfred looked uncomfortable. In present, he had Robin second guessing his decision. Sexual pleasure in itself wasn’t worth hurting his Grandfather, but then again he only wanted his freedom, and Alfred would have to get used to him growing up someday. “Your decision” Alfred said again.

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An angry sound of pain escapes Robin’s mouth as his own kick is used against him. Arnold had thrown him onto his back flattening even the most miniscule bone in his spine. He was jerked up again by his wrist. Stronger than the physical pain was his fear. “Now” said Arnold putting up his boxing stance. “Punch me” Robin copied the position and threw a punch aimed for his adversary’s jaw. Arnold clasped Robin’s wrist while blocking him and tossed him again onto the floor. Blood was starting to fester inside Robin’s mouth, he spit into his hands. “Stop!” his words came gargled and cracked. As Arnold watched him lying there he felt his despondency grow. It wasn’t the boy’s fault, he thought, he had himself been too soft on him. “You come at me again” Arnold said. Robin picked himself up wanting to scream out teaching him how to fight was as useless as teaching a fish how to walk. He tried ramming Arnold in the gut with his head. Arnold was able to hold him by the shoulders and flip him upside down once again onto the mat. Robin sat up knowing the fight was over and rubbing his pained wrist. In a minute more his father would headline what he already knew. “Robin, how are you ever going to defend yourself as a man, hmm? Every time I’m able to block you, flip you, in general beat you” Arnold sighed heavily through his nose. “I don’t blame you. I should have been stricter on you when you were small, and now I must undo my mistakes. Don’t worry, I am determined to make a man out of you” Arnold said all of this in German leaving Robin to piece together the words he understood well enough. His fists clenched as temper cooked. At first he said nothing, he merely stood there, breathing and staring. “How could you have been any stricter on me?” he hissed in English refusing to give his father the satisfaction of German. “I have a schedule I can barely keep up with, you won’t allow me to cry in front of you, dress the way I want, I have to work a job I hate just to please you. I can’t have a real conversation with you! You can’t look at me and see me because you don’t know a damn thing about me! Did it ever occur to you that I don’t need rules and regulations but once in awhile I need to be kissed! Kissed! Kissed!”
Arnold blinked clearly surprised and nearly at a loss for words. “I teach you to be a man! I show you affection…I would kiss you if you were a girl. Certain affections are for father to son and father to daughter you are not my daughter you are my son. Come here” there was a long pause between come and here. Arnold opened his arms sincerely feeling that was all his son needed in the moment. Robin hugged his father while noticing his strong cologne. He couldn’t feel his father’s feelings.

¶Chapter 4: Midnight Blue Part 1¶
Water droplets formed and fell from snow-white skin. A hand wiped a film of steam from a mirror. Robin watched his androgynous figure standing back at him by candle light. His chest filled and collapsed with heavy breathing. Crystaline tears rolled down his lips, his tongue tasting salt. Sometimes it was hard for himself not to be confused by his sex. He washed his face before sitting down in a corner. He felt unimportant. He wondered why he didn’t destroy his life? Grandpa and Becky might miss him, well they’d get over it. Nothing can keep an insane person sane. He knew no speech of comfort would be good enough. Reassurance feels so plastic. He ached for physical affection and isolation. Movement and stillness. He picked himself up and put his clothes on.

Robin barely came down for dinner once he decided to push himself harder. Swimming practice, dance practice, acting rehearsals, singing rehearsals, amateur clothing design, collage making, anything he could cram into one day. Most of the time his weeks never approached being this productive, doing merely what he knew he couldn’t get away without doing. Most of the time he scolded himself for not doing enough, the guilt feeding this new emotion. Most of the time he cried until Arnold told him to stop. He learned to choke it back inside and pretend to be reading in bed. In reality he would at most be sitting with a twisting melancholy to keep him company. It reminded him of a color, midnight blue. This midnight blue would numb him once it had it’s hold. He could do nothing but surrender to it. Now he found a way to fight it.
A burning heat connects to skin before a stinging pinch begins. The lighter is held timidly. Lips curl backwards married to a hiss, the pain is only small enough to spark interest within the brain. The camphor cooled down the pain and the torrent of emotions.
The tiny gasoline lighter lost it’s effect. Soon Robin moved on to biting himself. It took practice to bite until he bled and then biting wasn’t enough.
Words of explanation were wasted on his parents, no longer did he feel a need to justify his behavior, he openly indulged it. Usually very good with his clothes he recently kept wearing the same black shirt. No one seemed to notice. He sat among soiled clothing on a dusty carpet cutting into his skin. It wasn’t a teenage cry for attention. He hid the marks with gauze and simply said he liked the way it looked passing it off as a weird phase. The cold sting and sight of blood held a fascination that took his mind off this depressing nothing. As everyday dragged on he cut himself deeper.

¶Chapter 5: French fries and Milkshakes¶
Legs crossed, cheekbone resting in his left hand, right arm relaxed over his right leg. The living parallel of a statue was Robin, sitting on the bed in such a sculpted position. His eyes were far away and dim. The mind was concentrating on destructive guitar and dark lyrics. It wasn’t music from a set of headphones but pure imagination. He imagined himself walking into his work place, flipping out a pistol carelessly while singing in rock star fashion, and causing the blood to run out of the foreheads of his co-workers.
A very real smile swept across his physical face. At the end of his therapeutic dream, flames devoured a building already devoid of life.

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The summer was an oven cooking him as he walked up the road, he was passing a place called ’cheap cuts’ when he realized how early he’d be for work. Indulging a compulsive need with plenty of time to waste he walked in. “How much is a hair cut?” he asked. “Twelve dollars” said the model gorgeous woman behind the register and in the center of chairs facing mirrors. “I’d like to get mine cut very short in the back with bangs sweeping over to the side and in front of my ears”
“All right tell that to your stylist for now you can have a seat. What’s your name?”
“Robin Karl”
“Phone number?” she asked while keying his information into a computer database.
“Why do you need my phone number?”
“Coupons”
Coupons!
“Two three five, seven six nine eight”
While noting the gathering storm clouds from the window, he occupied his time with worrying and browsing the hair care products. He had gotten into a conversation with a graying haired man bye the time his name was called. Nervous, he took his seat and explained again what he wanted while watching himself in the mirror. “So you want a simple boys cut?” she said starting to sweep her fingers through his velvet soft hair. “Yeah” he swallowed. “Are you sure? Your hair’s so pretty”
“I can’t wait to see what my Grandpa thinks. He constantly says I need a hair cut”

Robin acted sunbeamy as he watched insignificant black nothings fall to the floor. At one point his hair looked wild and uneven at which he made a face in the mirror that had the pleasant effect of making the stylist laugh. Being able to watch himself go through a change was calming. Bye the final spray of a water bottle and the disappearance of a neck cloth, one eye was covered and he wanted to tint his lips a cherry red. He could have passed for a girl with short hair, or an androgynous mod from a fashion magazine. “Your Grandpa won’t recognize you when you get home. He’ll be so thrilled!”
“I hope so” said Robin as he paid the twelve dollars. Opening the glass door he continued his walk in the summer rain, ruining his new hair style without a care.
As soon as he walked into the restaurant a co-worker squealed and hugged him as an excuse to be close enough to touch his hair. “Robin! You cut your hair! It makes you look like a boy! So much better than before!”
“Umm…thanks?”
Upon clocking in. “Oh no you didn’t! You’re crazy! Why did you cut your hair pretty girl?” That was the voice of Erin a lesbian who consistently mistook him for another female and nick named him ‘pretty girl’, ‘sexy girl’, and ‘wild thang.’ “Because I wanted too” he never corrected her. “That’s a good enough reason, it’s your own hair right Robin?” said Felicity, the manager while passing through.

“One cob salad, one cheeseburger, one chocolate milk, one regular coffee crème, and one decaf black. Anything else for you gentlemen?” Robin had his hair tucked behind a visor as he waited on a table of businessmen. “My coffee’s cold and I’ve already been waiting thirty minutes. The service here is lousy! I want a refund”
He took the coffee and kept his voice unfeeling and polite. “I’m sorry sir I can make some fresh for you” The perfect customer service robot. “Give the girl a break Truman” said another man before winking at Robin.
With a genuine smile on his face, he served fresh coffee and there were extra thanks from the others trying to make up for their friend. There was nothing more flattering to him than being mistaken for the opposite sex. He was making an ice cream cone for a little girl when Decker came up behind him and pointed to the cone with both index fingers. “Oh yeah! That’s where’s it at!” Robin swore Decker was retarded and paid him no attention.
The restaurant he worked in was fast food, but sometimes customers felt themselves to be too self important or lazy to pick up their own order so Robin sometimes acted the waiter to make room for the other customers.
Felicity couldn’t seem to make up her mind where she wanted him tonight. “You’re going to be passing for drive thru now ok?” she put her hand on his shoulder as he finished serving out the cone. “Passing?” he froze up but was pushed to the spot by Felicity’s hands. There were a couple of well known facts about Robin, one of them was that he could fit eight french fries up his nose, the other was that he hated passing. It wasn’t a productive kind of motion, but a random confusing one. Especially testing when he couldn’t keep up with the drinks and what car had what order. In the middle of this turbulence he spilled sodas and found himself twirling in circles. “Serve it sweetie!” he heard Felicity’s voice call out to him. He pressed the yellow serve button dropping the order from the computer screen. “Robin! Check my lobby!” he heard her voice say again. Decker took his spot as Robin ran to pass the final order out the window. He tripped and dropped it on the floor. French fries spilled everywhere. Decker laughed. Robin cursed and started to pick it up. ”Don’t laugh at him!” Felicity scolded. After he finished cleaning up his own mess he grabbed a sanitary towel to clean up the mess others had made. Cleaner was now dripping inside a paper cut he observed on his finger.
The tables were covered in dried ketchup, used napkins, and left over pieces of food. “Animals” he said under his breath. Dried ketchup was the grossest thing to have to clean up. Why did his father insist he keep this job? Why couldn‘t he blow his brains out? He wondered this as he worked.
The robot came near to malfunctioning as a child dropped fries where he had recently swept. The chores never ended. He wondered again if it was normal to repeatedly think of shooting yourself at work? At the same time it was a relief to be cleaning. He gathered the serving trays to be washed in the back sink. Tossing them in he knocked over a stack of other dishes. “Fuck. Sorry”
As soon as he had been told to go on break he decided he wanted one of the frozen treats and a cup of coffee. Taking it with him in the break room he found a wrinkled cigarette unlit and discarded. He smiled as the god of cigarettes smiled down on him. Felicity came in for a soda as he was lighting it. “Are you okay Robin?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just one of those midnight blue days” Of course she didn’t know what he was talking about. “Listen, I’m here for you if you need to talk about anything. Whatever it is you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re like a sister to me” Felicity was a girl who claimed close ties to Robin, but never in truth talked to him outside of work. Still when she did talk to him she was great to pal around with since she got along better with gay boys than straight girls. “Believe me, don’t worry. I’m just like this sometimes. I think I’m manic depressive”
“Oh. Can you get something for that?” she really didn’t know what being manic depressive meant. He nodded. “I’ve got myself on a medication substitute” Felicity was convinced and the case was closed. “Well all right then, see you in twenty”

Body aching, mind tired but trying to be creative, his soul craving the isolation that the back of the dining room provides. Robin had clocked out so ecstatic to put another day behind he hugged most of his co workers and gave Erin a wink as he sat down to wait on his ride. In some way attracted to her, entirely because she thought he was a woman. She sat up straighter and answered him with a suggestive expression. Children’s games.
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“Where are your glasses?” Arnold put his hands on his hips and looked down at his son coming in through the door. “You’re just now noticing?" he paused "I got contacts”
“Why do you want to wear contacts?”
“They bring out my eyes” Robin was starting to feel angry and timid.
“After what we told you about them?”
“Look infection hardly ever sets in, especially if you take care of them”
“Are you second guessing me?” Arnold didn’t wait for an answer he continued with his over bearing ramble. “Why do you need to bring out your eyes at the risk of jeopardizing your health? What’s so special about your eyes?”
Robin held up a hand asking him to stop so he could speak. “I have a job! It’s my money! My contacts! My eyes!!” Robin walked towards his room.
“If you walk away from me you’re grounded!”
Robin slammed the door.


¶Chapter 6: Mein Herr¶
A black back pack sat on top of the table inside his father’s study. It was one weekend but already Robin was nervous and homesick, he wondered if anyone would miss him? His parents were told he was going on an activity trip that involved the school swim team. All Alfred was left to do was say he signed the permission slip and keep the truth hidden.
Arnold dropped his son off at the school where he assumed a bus would be picking him up. “Be careful, have fun, and call if you need anything” Arnold patted Robin on the shoulder and was very easy going as the boy climbed out of the vehicle. He watched his father’s car drive away and John’s car pull up.
After putting everything into the backseat he jumped in on John’s right. “I took some extra time off work so you can stay the week if you want too” John suggested this without so much as glancing in his lover’s direction. “Umm.. I already told my parents it was strictly the weekend but I’d love too if I can think of another lie”
John laughed. “Tell them you were wrong and a teacher lately informed you it was one week. It practically is the truth!” John was beaming now, and taking in quick looks at Robin as he turned the wheel.
“You have a way of talking me into anything, you know that ?”
“Well I hope so”

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John was making Robin nervous as he lingered over him helping to pour melted wax into an empty mold. “When this freezes we’ll have a beautiful candle of our own” a cheer was in his voice, as his hand cradled onto Robin’s guiding it. Robin loved the way John’s cheek was barely an inch away, a tease of skin. As he was breathing heavily he realized that he felt uplifted to be receiving the attention of someone so intelligent. A soft clap from the freezer and the candle was prepared for it’s next step. Robin‘s right wrist was lifted with affection into the air, finger tips glided over his alabaster skin, John had turned to face him simply to study him. “Interesting” he commented on Robin’s taste in jewelry. A black and red bracelet consisting of zippers in a haphazard pattern. John looked deep into his eyes causing him to expect something more than the phrase to come. “I have a present for you.”
As John returned with an elegant silver box he couldn’t tell if he was dissatisfied. Inside he was bewildered to find a long nightgown of silky white, made for a woman and perfumed by rose petals. John was delighted as Robin inhaled the scent. “I was thinking about when you told me that you felt you should be a woman.” Robin stared at him so appreciative of him in that moment. “Thank you isn’t enough” he whispered. John leaned forward clasping on to Robin’s wrist. “You’re so young and beautiful. You have completely imprisoned my heart. I have never felt this way about another boy. This is a special dream Robin” John started stroking Robin’s chin, in simple awe of the way he closed his eyes. “When you are old enough, I want you to be my life partner” Robin pushed John to the floor by an embrace around his shoulders. John laughed while he miraculously pulled Robin off of him. He took an onyx ring from his finger and placed it onto Robin’s. “Since you accept, this is your engagement ring” Their lips swallowed each other’s as John hotly uttered the phrase, “lets go to bed”
While in bed Robin laid curled up in virgin white against John’s chest. John showing no hint at sex, Robin left feeling discontented.

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Chinese food sitting around in open containers added an exotic and dirty aroma to the clean apartment. Robin was laughing over the sound of feet shuffling on carpet. John was showing a hint of his teeth within a grin as he held Robin’s arms behind his back pretending to arrest him.
In the height of his testosterone filled glee John pushed Robin to his knees causing some of the skin to scrape off. Robin was holding his knee to his chest, he couldn’t stop laughing. John wasn’t the most sympathetic person and when he saw how Robin was showing no hint of pain, didn’t seem to care about the injury. “Get up before you get blood on my carpet.” Abruptly the laughter stopped. John helped Robin up and directed him to the bathroom where he could clean himself up.
Robin slinged his dark hair behind him with a jerk of his head. His eyes studied the river of blood going down his leg. When the bandage touched his knee a pair of lips touched his neck.
A waltz of passion into the bedroom where clothes came flying off. He was turned onto his stomach and the innocence of the first time was taken from the back. One minute and John was standing at the side of the bed yelling about what a quick cum Robin had been. Robin sat naked holding a pillow in his lap, crying and apologizing. John became quiet as he realized if he let this unsympathetic behavior continue, the boy would leave.

A tragic and effeminate figure laid on the bed gazing out the window, wishing he could describe this cavernous sadness in his soul. The first time should have been different he had given it away to the wrong person. The right person would perchance never come, so why not give it to the wrong one?
He turned his head when the sound of paper tearing caught his attention. John was standing beside the bed revealing the candle they had made together. Robin watched him light it despising his grace as he climbed into bed. Still he couldn’t say no as John’s lips focused on his and his hands reached beneath the nightgown to pull down his panties. As his penis became engulfed in hot tongue and cheek he clutched onto the mattress feeling horrified at the thought of ejaculation. His eyes strained themselves shut, he was aware solely of John’s breathing as he touched him everywhere below the waist.
“Relax” whispered John starting to rub his shoulders. “I don’t want to disappoint you again” Robin burst into tears. “I can’t do this” he rolled over on his side, hoping to escape John’s face and touch. John pulled him into his arms. “You won’t disappoint me darling” he started sweeping tear stained black from Robin’s face. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I want to teach you.. pleasures you never imagined. When you feel you have to ejaculate again you tell me and I’ll teach you how to delay it”
“Really?”
John nodded and cooed a reassurance. “Are you ready?” Robin pulled his romeo in for a kiss pretending he was ready. When all was said and done there were no places left on his body still felt to be his own. His thighs were sore from straddling, his genitals cold and flaccid, a bad taste remained in his dry mouth. Yet as he laid with John’s arms wrapped around him he felt loved beyond comprehension. “I wish weekends were longer” he said to himself.
Their time spent together expanded into Robin’s own room. It became common for him to sneak John in. “Please.. now” Robin asked for the control technique to be applied to him. As he did Alfred was passing in the hall and overheard them. The words, the tone, the breathing, the bed rocking, he wasn’t born yesterday. Not standing for the thought of his little solider now a strange man’s toy, he opened the door and pulled John off of him. Robin was in shock, beyond startled screams as he sat up, scrambling the covers over his body.
“I’ve changed my mind! You can not make your own decisions! And you! You should know better! You’re his teacher! I know you! Is this what you call teaching?! Prey on young boys? Trap them? Confuse them?”
“I’M NOT CONFUSED!” Robin screamed. Arnold and Derica came into the room attracted by the noise. Alfred was so upset he could no longer express himself beyond shocked grey eyes and a shouting voice. “Calm down Mister Karl! I understand Robin is a minor but I truly do love him. When he’s of age I want a promise ceremony. I want to take care of your grandson” John was defending his case in a calm voice. Robin hid his face behind his hands hoping it was a nightmare.
Derica stepped into the mess. “You!” she pointed to John. “Out of my house!” She turned next to Robin. “Put your clothes on and come downstairs”
John left the house being able to do nothing else. Robin sat in the night slip John had given him. His parents sat in front of him. “Did he take advantage of you Robin?” asked Arnold. Robin was horrified. “No! He’d never hurt me. John loves me!” “Are you a homosexual?” asked Derica more shocked than inquiring. Robin looked at the floor and said nothing. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re not attracted to boys” He looked into her broken face, there was no use in a lie. “I am aroused by men” he nodded as a matter of fact. “How could you do such a thing?” she gasped. “Why do you want to hurt me so much? What makes you want to do these things?” Tears fell into her lap.
“Do you understand what you’ve done to your mother?” said Arnold. “I’ve upset her” replied Robin. It was dizzying trying to keep his thoughts in order. Screw it. It wasn’t possible any longer. Emotionally he was paralyzed and helpless, thrown into a burning fire. “You’ve more than upset her, you’ve devastated her” a breaking voice followed the harsh one. “Do you desire to be a woman? We’ll get you a counselor and.. and.. and a sex change”
For one brief moment Robin felt hopeful. Oh what joy to be the girl on the outside he felt himself to be on the inside. His father crushed an entire dream in less than a second. “We will not get him a sex change”
No. Doubtless it was worth it either? He still wouldn’t be able to carry children or have a period. He didn’t want children anyway.
“Do you understand that your Grandfather used to do horrible experiments on Jews? That lampshade he is so proud of is made from Jewish skin! He is a horrible man Robin. You’re no better than him” Arnold had the nasty habit of bringing up things that weren’t relevant and blaming them on his son.
Robin shook his head. “He’s my Grandfather. I’m proud of him. Everyone’s done horrible things, everyone’s done something great too. I’m not ashamed, not of him, not of myself”
The phone rang , it was picked up by the answering machine. “Hello Robin. This is John. Are you okay? I’m very worried” his mother picked up the phone system and threw it to the far wall. “I don’t want to talk about this ever again” Arnold buried the matter.

_______________________________
As Robin left for school he passed Alfred washing his hands. His Grandfather stopped him to give him a kiss. "You lie on your back as a frauline you get treated as a frauline" To Robin no sign of affection could have been more loving.
Actors walked backstage waiting for the curtains to rise. Robin’s friends received flowers and kind words as he himself was bent over a vanity adjusting suspender straps and applying lipstick. Fingers locked his hips as nostrils breathed down his neck. He smiled before turning to wrap his arms around John’s neck. Before a kiss had been allowed John offered a single red rose jeweled in baby’s breath. "For you" he said. "Thank you" Robin smiled seductively as he took the present. "How’s your Grandfather doing?" John inquired. "He hasn’t said a word since he caught us. I think he’s getting used to the idea" Robin paused as he stared intently into the eyes of his flame. "I’ve really needed you. My parents are still giving me hell" John shifted barely meeting Robin’s gaze. "I’ve been worried about you. I’ve tried calling but I never got an answer"
"I know. My mother, she threw the phone across the room when you called, it’s been disconnected since" Another awkward pause causing Robin to feel desperate and hopeful. "Do we absolutely have to wait until I’m Eighteen? Can’t we just run away and start over? Please? I can’t take much more of this"
John put his fingers to Robin’s lips, before he said anything Robin knew in the bottom of his stomach this memory would eternally burn in his soul. "There’s no forever between us" John began. "It’s an obscene dream Robin. I think it’s best in light of your parents knowing that we separate. I need a fresh start before my teaching record becomes tarnished" as he started to explain his own needs his hand touched his heart. "I knew the moment I saw you I should never have become involved. I hope your performance goes well tonight. You’re a beautiful actor, unmistakably beautiful! You should definitely move to New York and do it professionally" John’s hand relaxed as his feet began to shuffle. His grey eyes watered with sincerity. "That’s where I’m moving too"
Robin stood in shock as his heart was breaking. His fingers fondled the promise ring John had given him prematurely. "Do you want your ring back?" he managed to ask. John shook his head. "You keep it.. as a souvenir!" Robin’s breathing turned into gasping as he started to cry. "I don’t want a souvenir! I want you!" John put his hands around Robin’s shoulders as he leaned in closer. Lips hovering delicately over his forehead. "Hush baby hush. People will hear you" John’s voice was soft but un soothing. "Is it another boy?" Robin asked. John embraced him tighter. "I already told you I need a new start" Robin buried his dirtied face against John’s clean shirt. "I don’t understand, why can’t it include me? I don’t understand"
"I have to go Rob"
"Why?"
"I’ll miss my flight" John pulled away. "I hated telling you this now but it was the one chance I had. Break a leg"


¶Chapter 7: Life is a Cabaret¶
A brown coat crosses the view of a stranger sitting in the audience of a play. The owner of the coat apologizes as he takes his seat. The actor’s face scans the crowd as he goes over his lines. "You know what’s funny about Herman? There’s nothing funny about Herman!" He paused shortly for the laugh and then with exaggerated gestures cued the actress. "And now the toast of Mayfair, Fraulein Sally Bowles!" His German accent sounded effortless and his enthusiasm so great that the audience would never guess his heart was breaking.
Sanja entered the stage and walked into Robin’s arms, she kissed his cheek and turned to face the crowd. "Hello Darlings!" The Emcee started to sing the rest of song. "Bliebe, reste, stay! Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" He felt the pressure of Sanja’s nervous grip on his hand. He empathized with her stage fright. The entire cast sang together, "Im Cabaret! Au Cabaret! To Cabaret!"
He exited the stage let down not to have found Alfred among the crowd. It wasn’t like him. Surprised, however, to see his father. He bit his nails as he watched backstage trying exclusively to think of how much he loved his Emcee costume and what a fantastic Sally Sanja made. Before he knew it the night was over and he was taking his bows linking arms with Sanja and Jeremy who played Sally’s love interest. The crowd whistled and he beamed as the thunderous applause reached his ears. He loved this play, even without all the cussing. The cast dismembered as they found their friends and family.
"Where’s Grandfather?" Robin asked Arnold, his head still searching around. "He was still sleeping when I left, I didn’t want to wake him" Arnold smudged the perfect black lines around Robin’s eyes with his thumb. "But I am here. You did good. We’re going home now"
Walking out into the dark parking lot Robin passed his cast mates a final time. "Bye bye wife number two!" he yelled playfully towards Becky. She ran up to him while she could still catch him. She handed him one of the roses her parents gave her accompanied by a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight Robin"
He twirled the two roses in his hand as he sat in the passenger’s seat. Arnold sat at the wheel and did nothing but try to catch his breath for several minutes. "Are you alright Vater?" the question was more of a chore than a concern. "It’s my asthma. Life is nothing more than your next breath" Arnold started up the car and wagged a finger. "You remember that"
Though Arnold didn’t have the heart to wake Alfred, Robin did. Wanting to say goodnight and make sure his Grandfather was feeling okay, he crept into the dark bedroom and noticed first there was no sound at all. He walked towards the bed. Alfred’s eyes stared strangely up at him through his glasses. Since when did his Grandfather turn in fully clothed? Robin wasn’t an idiot. He removed Alfred’s glasses and closed his eyes. Robin kissed his cold lips and stroked his cheek. His eyes strayed to a gold ring stamped with the swastika worn on his Grandfather’s finger, he removed it and placed it on his own hand. "I know you wanted me to have this.” He covered Alfred up with the bed sheet because it seemed the most respectful thing to do. No tear was shed as he exited the room. Sensations of fear or sadness did not touch him, instead he felt nothing. He fell asleep badly in his Grandfather’s chair. The shock wore off in the morning when Arnold told him to go downstairs for a good breakfast. Derica had made a ridiculous amount of food and Arnold poured him coffee and orange juice. "I have bad news. You’re Grandfather had a heart attack." Robin’s ears shut out all the rest as he broke down to tears. "Don’t be soft. He wouldn’t want you to cry" advised Arnold. "No. That’s you! Besides, I have a right to be soft. I’m a fraulein! I’m a fraulein!"


¶Chapter 8 : Diagnoses ¶
Robin lit one of his Grandfather’s left over cigarettes before heading down the street with ‘Special Needs’ flowing into his ears. Going down a different way than usual making him feel creative. Running down the road he felt free and centered, to nowhere in particular, he wanted to run forever. He stopped running for his hands to fall on his knees and weep in front of children staring at him from their doorstep. “Fuck off!!” he yelled at them, suddenly angry that he wasn’t alone in the universe.

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‘Laichzeit’ pounded into his brain as his cd player was strapped to his wrist. Watching himself bounce to the left and to the right in his bedroom mirror he noted the color of the cd player worked well with his outfit. He kept with the strings, head banging while jumping in the air, going back to bouncing and pausing to thrust his hands and body to the beat.
Since after his dinner Robin had been listening to ’Herzeleid’ multiple times . Now he had the one song on repeat bouncing as though tomorrow would never come. For Robin it didn’t. Having had switched to the slow delicate songs by four am. With the climax of ’Seamann’ in his head, his body paused to fully take in the orange glow of the rising sun. “Have I really been dancing this long?” he questioned himself realizing his lungs burned, his skin was covered in wetness, and his muscles ached. Running a hand through his sweaty hair he sarcastically bet he smelled great and picked out his new attire for the day. This new energy was a welcome change, a breath of fresh air. So energetic, so productive, so alive. It was a natural high from an imbalanced brain. He opened his door quietly not wishing to wake his parents but meeting Arnold in the carpeted hallway. “Have you been jumping all night? I kept hearing pounding over my head! I couldn’t sleep” Arnold certainly looked as though he missed the sleep. “I’m sorry Vater. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I didn’t think about sleep at all last night” Robin continued to the shower and Arnold cursed his father.
Letting the hot water pour over his neck and back Robin realized he had grown very tired. Crap he had work today. Opting instead for a pair of sweats he put away the attire he had picked out . He crawled into bed and awoke at his usual weekend time. Ten am. His body clock functioned as normal. He ate breakfast with Arnold reading the paper and Derica asking him questions about his past week. Nothing but Alfred walking through the background for a cup of coffee was missing.

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It was one thing to suspect there was something wrong with you, it was another for a doctor to tell you it was certain. “I’m sorry Robin, but it does run in the family. Your Grandfather had it so bad he compulsively washed his hands” As Derica was explaining the situation from behind the wheel, her voice was kept casual. Robin had forever thought Alfred was a mysophobic. “Is Vater bipolar?” he asked. She shook her head. “No, he’s lucky like that.” Now he missed Alfred more than ever and wondered why the single person who could relate to him was gone? “It’s not that serious. You don’t have to take the medication unless your suicidal. You’ll let me know if you even get to that point, won’t you?”
Robin nodded his head hesitantly, he was thinking how he perpetually hurt himself. He opened his mouth to speak but decided to keep it inside. “Why don’t you want me to take the medication?”
“I’d prefer you not too, it’s the side effects I’m worried about. Not to mention the costs” It should have ended here.


¶Chapter 9: Becky’s Vampire¶
The smell of baby lotion and romantic perfume lingered in the air as Robin adjusted his tie and lipstick. Grabbing up a bouquet of flowers from off the bathroom sink he exited the house. Arnold worked as chauffer and drove him to Becky’s place of residence. Her father answered the door and invited him in. Next came the part where he laid down the laws of escorting his daughter, reminding him to keep his hands to himself. “Oh you don’t have to worry about me Mister Glenn. Promise to have her back by ten” Her father smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re a good boy. I trust you” Robin was jovial then gasped as his attention was caught by a moonbeam walking down the stairs. He walked over to her and handed her the flowers as she walked down the last step. “Becky, you look so beautiful.” Stray blonde hair fell over her milky shoulders, as color rose to her cheeks. “Thanks Robin” He offered his arm. “That‘s such a flattering color on you” Innocent green eyes looked up into enchanting blue. “I wore this, especially for you. It matches your eyes, don‘t you think?” Becky clutched the sides of her dress folding them out to display it better.
“Yes. I guess so” now it was his turn to blush.

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He opened the backseat car door. “Your carriage awaits!” She climbed in fumbling with the bottom of her dress, he helped her before sitting down himself. She leaned in to smell his perfume and be swept away in a sea of beautiful scent. Unaware of the parade her emotions were holding, he looked at her and smiled to cover up his confusion. When they arrived at the school prom he noticed she was smelling the flowers and helped her out. As the door was opened music and decorations attacked their senses. They had their first dance together three feet apart caught up in each other’s laugh. Robin made sure that bye the chorus she was twirled to her heart’s content. At the end of the song he inquired if she wanted any punch. She declined and excused herself to talk to a group of girlfriends. “Meet back up with me on the next slow song” she said as she left him. Meanwhile he poured himself a cup of punch and picked at the rest of the snacks. Chase came up to him. “What are you doing bringing a hot girl like Becky?” Robin turned to face him as he popped party mix into his mouth. Chase was obviously flying solo and disgruntled. “What? She’s my best friend. I’d rather come with her than anyone else”
“Yeah but you’re a never mind. Is she seeing any one?” Robin got that question a lot concerning Becky. Sometimes he felt like the jealous less attractive girlfriend. He was growing used to it and didn’t think twice that night. “Nah. I can’t figure it out. Why?” Robin didn’t care for the way Chase was now nodding his head and staring after her. “Because I want to ask her out” He knew Chase’s reputation and started acting as protective as Alfred used to be. “On second thought, yeah, yeah she is. I forgot it’s a new relationship” Chase turned his head. “Who?”
“Me”
“Now I know you’re lying” Robin shifted his stance. “Listen you touch her and I break your face” Robin spotted a shy wall flower with the most precious cheeks behind Chase‘s shoulder. Without hesitation he left the conversation to make a new friend, never catching Becky’s disappointed face. “Want to dance?” he asked the boy. “Won’t they think we‘re queer?” he motioned to the crowd with a nod of his head. With the tips of his fingers he touched the bottom of the lad‘s hand. “Aren’t you tired of hiding who you are?” Robin recognized a closet when he saw one. The young man was good natured and accepted. His name was Cato and kept his hands on Robin’s hips moving with the bass line. “How did you know I was?”
Robin shrugged. “I didn’t. Lucky guess”
“Do you want to.. I mean would you ever.. you want to go and make out or something?” Cato whispered his question. Robin was flattered but shook his head. “No I’m here with someone, it wouldn’t be fair to her. Actually I should go find her. See you around” Robin excused himself to find Becky who was bye this time dancing with Chase. The synthesizers of ‘Baba O Reiley’ introduced a hopeful mood into the room. Jealousy beyond comprehension swelled up inside of him. “YOU!” was all he could say as he hooked Chase bye the collar and threw his fist against his rivals face. Chase retaliated with a hard blow in Robin’s eye and another one in his stomach, causing him to bend forward before he could recover. Again before he had another chance to fight back his hair was seized and his face punched. He fell on the floor at length getting a chance to pick himself up. “I’ll kill you bitch!” Robin threatened as he threw his entire body weight against the boy knocking him down to the floor. Robin was then thrown onto his own back as he became overpowered. “Stop it! Stop it!” Becky started screaming. The fight didn’t last long as two teachers came over and broke it up as soon as they saw it. “You’re not even worth it Nancy!” Chase yelled after him, as he for some reason was escorted out when Robin wasn’t. Becky helped him up and brushed off his suit as Daltrey’s voice came blaring through the pa system “Sally take my hand”
“You didn’t have to do that. I wasn’t exactly in trouble”
“Yeah I did. I love you” He wiped blood away from his mouth. Becky touched his black eye causing him to wince from the sting. “Don’t do that” his instruction was gentle. He held out his scraped hands. “I owe you a slow dance”

She put her head down on his shoulder feeling excited and angry. Their bodies swayed in a languid state to the reminder that they were only living a teenage wasteland. On the climax of strings his nose started bleeding uncontrollably onto her dress. He looked at her pitifully. “Can we go home now?” She nodded before escorting him out the door.
Walking with the warm breeze upon his face his stomach started feeling sick from the beating. He vomited on the side walk. “How are you feeling?” she asked. His look conversed to her that was a stupid question. They came to her door and her mother invited him in. “Robin! What happened to you? Come in and wash your face”
“No thank you Misses Glenn I don’t want to impose. Home isn’t too far away. Goodnight” Any other night and it wouldn’t have been a problem but he didn’t feel right tonight. No unnecessary stops, he had enough for one date. On his way home he kept trying to sniff his blood back in.
Becky retired the blood stained dress and collapsed into her cool bed sheets. She sighed. Becky was convinced Robin must be confused. Everything about the way he treated her seemed romantic, down to his cologne. She closed her eyes never wanting to forget his shoulder, but cried from her own confusion and the feeling that he had ruined her night.

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“You bastard Becky!” Robin’s voice rose up in the air from his corpse position on the ground. His already snow drop face was covered in white base and powder. His clothes were all black, his finger nails painted to match, his lips colored in deep purple. His hands were crossed and clasped tightly to his shoulders. He heard Becky’s feet move around and her laugh could have reached the sun. “Corpse’s don’t talk Robin!” she scolded. “Fuck you! You didn’t say a fucking thing about laying in the fucking snow!”
“They don’t curse either. Tighten up your legs” her voice was merry and un offended, her finger pressed the shutter button. He took a deep breath and stiffened up his legs, feeling the snow burn into his back. She bent over him and took several more pictures before blowing a stray eye lash from off his face. He smiled. “Becky I love you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever kissed, but if my shirt is ruined I’ll kill you” he said this lightly but she didn’t return it with a lighthearted tone. Becky ordered him into the open casket helping the black contrast of his outfit stand out even more from the white ground. He held his breath and played dead like a good boy, thankful to be out of the snow directly. The cold air still bit through his clothing. “I hope I get an a for this. I’m freezing!” she said. “You’re freezing?!” He rose up from the casket thinking it was over and she snapped a picture of the living dead. Catching his look of annoyance she laughed. “Last one I promise! Now you can take a nice hot bath at my house and hate me forever” He put his wet coat back on. “I don’t hate you Becky. I love being your model” he looked into her eyes with his own letting her know he was sincere. She put her camera away in such a haste he wondered if he said something wrong. Their walk was quiet as ever but she lagged behind. He paused for her and looked over his shoulder. Her eyes looked so sad and helpless, she fiddled with her hands. “God Robin do you realize how gorgeous you are? You’d be rich if you were a whore” He frowned, was that supposed to be a compliment? “You’re pretty too Becky. Hay blonde hair, reptilian green eyes, nude pink lips, some people are envious” He started to continue his walk, a hot bath and cup of cocoa sounded beautiful. “You’re just jealous of my vagina! You’ll never be jealous of another man holding me! You’ll never want to get between my legs! You’ll never even have one fucking fantasy about me!” He shook his head. “Becky we’ve been over this and over this. I’m a homosexual. I can’t help it. If I was attracted to you-”
“Don’t give me that shit! No one’s born gay! It’s a lifestyle choice. Take a good look at me, I’m the one shot you’ll ever have for a wife, children, and a decent normal functioning future.” Why was she doing this? Becky knew everything about him, and he knew everything about her, they were best friends! He was confused and angry but he burst out laughing. “What makes you so sure?!” he asked her in between false smiles. “Because no other girl will look twice at you! You look too much like one” The girl had finally run out of ideas to turn him straight. She had went from harmless flirting, to talking him into kissing, and now blunt hurtful lines in one year. He shook his head and started walking. It was a silent rule between them that no matter how bad their fights got, the house was always open.

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He sat in contemplative silence as he shampooed his hair and stared at the floating bath candles. Becky infiltrated the bathroom. “I’m sorry Robin. I still don’t believe anyone’s born gay but then I’m not a homosexual so what do I know?” she broke out in tears and tried not to look at him. “Come here” he stretched out his arms to her and she ran into them, cried on his wet chest and folded up. She would never know he loved her more than father, brother, or lover, despite a lack of sexual desire. “Why does my soul mate have to be separated from me by sex? I’d pay to have you near me Robin! I’d pay” He put his chin on top of her head and sighed. She listened to his heart beat and grew calmer. A part of him unceasingly screamed out at times symptomatic of these ’you don’t love me, you’re only wrapped inside horrible lust for me!’ This time his soul could not contain those words. This time the words slipped from his lips. She looked up at him frozen. “That’s not true! That’s not true! I loved you before I knew what sex was!” He touched her lips for her to be quiet. She closed her eyes relishing every millisecond of his touch. He stood up escaping from the hot water and dried off. “Stay for cocoa” she was pleading. “Really Robin I’m very sorry!! I was mad at myself I’m going out with Chase now isn’t that funny??”
“Chase?” he questioned his stomach feeling sick. “That jerk that beats me up and calls me faggot? I would never go out with that bitch Jason who calls you horrible names at track” he buttoned his cuffs hastily. “No No I’m happy for you. If he breaks you I’ll break him. Thank you for letting me warm up. I hope your pictures turn out perfectly” Robin slammed the door and tried to ignore her calling voice as he ran down the stairs and out her front door. Inside his mind he played a film of their entire friendship. He fell asleep inside his own bed and dreamed about beating up Chase. In the morning he could only think of Becky, remembering the strain on her face last night. This was more than their usual row about him being homosexual. Could she have been crying out for help over something deeper? Was she legitimately going out with Chase? Did he mistreat her? Or did she simply have no other motive than sex? If she couldn’t love him for who he was, she couldn’t love him at all. He knocked on her door. This moment would define if she stayed in his life until his commitment ceremony with Mr. Right or be kicked in the street. No answer. He came back at noon her father answered with glistening wet eyes. Robin was taken back, he had never seen another man cry. “Mister Glenn, is Becky here?”
“Becky.. she.. committed.. suicide. We found her this morning” Mister Glenn sobbed with a bowed head, his hands supporting the rest of his body against the door frame. Robin felt scared and responsible. “Wait here boy” Mister Glenn disappeared, he had never called Robin boy before. Robin didn’t blame Glenn if he hated him, he hated himself more than Glenn would ever realize. Mr. Glenn returned with an envelope simply marked ’Robin’ in her pretty familiar calligraphy. His heart raced as he took the last thing she would ever address to him.
“It was in her letter to us, she asked us to deliver it to you” Her father shut the door and Robin turned away to walk numbly home. He went into his Grandfather’s empty study. “Why God why? Why do you want to kill those I love?! First Grandpa now Becky? I don’t have any more sacrifices” He sat down in his Grandfather’s old chair as sharp nails devoured the paper. He unfolded the letter. Her handwriting ordinarily neat was now sloppy. He couldn’t bring himself to read it passed ’dearest Robin.’ His emotions told him as long as he didn’t read it she would write again. Pictures spilled out of the envelope as he returned the letter. Pictures of him dressed as a vampire in the snow. On the back of one where he was lying in the snow arms crossed resembling a corpse was scribbled a poem she had written awhile ago. When he asked her where her inspiration came from she replied that someday he’d know. He still remembered reading it for the first time over her shoulder. “Like a vampire you drink me dry. Hiding from me in the night. You bite into everything I am drinking my lust from my hands. From my neck you take my creativity, from my neck you take my liberty. Like a vampire you drink me dry with the tears you wipe away from eyes” he heard the trailing off of his own voice before realizing he had been reading out loud.


¶Chapter 10: I put flowers on your grave¶
Robin put away the pictures and envelope, and quickly wiped away any evidence of softness as his father knocked on the door. “Are you ready Robin?”
“Hold on” Robin left the study and didn’t dare look at his father as he past him. Promptly he dressed in a black suit, now he was ready for his Grandfather’s funeral.
Robin found himself shaking hands with German relatives he didn’t know existed. Though they seemed nice they didn’t seem as upset as he thought they should be. Everyone was gawking at the body as if it was a museum exhibit. He went to Alfred’s casket. If he were wearing a black veil and morning the same as a girl he would have felt more respectful. He cursed his family for making him wear a suit. His face should be hidden. The sole redeeming quality of Alfred’s funeral was that the one who loved him most gave his eulogy. All thoughts of morning dresses were banished from his mind as he put on his Grandfather’s reading glasses and looked over his own handwriting. “Alfred Karl was born in Berlin Germany in the year of 1910. He became a medical doctor and joined the Nazi party in his thirties. Some of you were ashamed of him. Well fuck you!!” this was the beginning of Robin’s speech. “…If I had grown up in the shoes of Alfred Karl I would have been a Nazi too” With tears streaming down his face he took off the glasses, tucked away the paper in his pocket, and prepared to bury his loved one while moving through the silent crowd.
Instead of listening to the preacher, he was staring at the box that contained his Grandfather. “Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust” the preacher ended the service and closed the book. Robin threw a bouquet of baby’s breath into the grave. He couldn’t have counted the heads of the people who showed up, but it was easy to count the number of bouquets given to the dead, one. His parents gave him cross looks on both sides, he looked back at them guiltless.
He picked up a shovel and tossed dirt on the grave alongside Arnold and Uncle Godfrey. When the hole was covered Robin was left alone with Alfred. “I’m so thankful to have known you, to have loved you, and seen through you. You aren’t ashamed of me crying are you? I cry all the time now. Becky died too. I’m mentioning it because I want you to know how utterly alone I am up here. Perhaps I’ll join you down there? Would that bother you?” Robin shrugged and walked away.
He would deliberately miss Becky’s funeral instead opting to show up alone in the suit he wore when taking her to the prom. “I wore this especially for you” he began.

¶ Chapter 11: A Cry For Help¶
He had a dream inside his head that he couldn’t get rid of. The worst thing he could think about. He put his suit case and backpack by the front door, knowing he’d forget it if he didn’t.
A knife of steel was held behind his back as he went to find his mother. Carrying it this far his heart raced and his stomach jumped. He found Derica sitting at her computer working away the midnight hours as usual.
“Mutter?” Robin plainly remembered her looking up. There was a flash of violence and blood on his hands. He heard her sobbing in his ears and could barely imagine what the pain was for her. He didn’t stab her in any major artery, killing was not his intention. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOUR MOTHER IS BLEEDING!” his father’s voice was thunder breaking through the clouds. As in his dream he ran past his father and picked up his bags.
He ran to the bus station and was relieved to find it so empty. Being the only person, there was no line as he asked for a one way ticket to New York. It seemed the fastest exit. He waited exactly an hour before the bus spelling his destination in lights arrived. The ticket was torn and polite words were exchanged. It was a bitter pill to find the bus so crowded. Apologizing as his suitcase bumped into stranger’s feet. A window seat was picked out and baggage put over head. He stayed awake for hours never being so envious of the short people who could curl up within their own seats. “Are you alright Amigo?” came the voice of a Spaniard from across his seat. Robin turned from his mechanical daze out the window. “Not really, but thanks” The Spaniard nodded, that was all he needed to know or say. Robin was content to watch the city lights go bye until falling asleep allowing the guilt ridden nightmares to begin.


¶Chapter 12: Leave your dollar as you leave¶
Passing a strip joint Robin wondered what it was like to work in one. He needed a job and refused to work in a restaurant again. Why should he settle for something so mindless when the streets were looking so inviting? Pockets are emptied over things the owner never expects. He thought about something Becky had once said. Could it work? Was he pretty enough? In the rest stop mirror he looked himself over. Not in a t-shirt and jeans. He went through his suit case. In a Nazi uniform he would get beat up not sold. Especially since there are so many Jews in New York. On stage he wore his Emcee costume with black dance shoes, on the streets he’d wear high heels. No top hat this time. His costume was left a black sleeveless shirt, short black shorts, and fishnets. It seemed obscene, last time he applied make up in this attire it was innocent, for a play. This started out as a test.
Walking down the streets hugging his shoulders for warmth he felt awkward. Unsure of where prostitutes worked but a bar seemed a good place to start. He sat down beside a decent looking man who sat alone. "I’ll have a drink with you" he offered. The sandy blonde looked him up and down. "How old are you?" Robin looked at the table. "Sixteen" Why didn’t he lie? "Are you trying to turn a trick?" the man’s tone was condescending as if Robin was a small child who just did something cute. He nodded. "Well keep it on the d. l. you don’t want to get picked up" The blonde hurried up and finished his drink. That was a point Robin didn’t consider. "I don’t know how else to do it"
"Come on" the man took Robin by the arm and escorted him to his car. It was insane but he was excited by the potential danger of the situation. "How much?" the question had been posed to him.
His fingers danced with each other nervously. He ended up asking the right question because he knew no other way to go about it. "How much are you willing to give me?"
Sandy shrugged. After his eyes made Robin’s body feel equivalent to meat he answered, "Seventy five dollars." "Kay" Robin agreed, unsure of how he felt by now. "Let’s do this in a hotel okay?" he suggested. Sandy was obliging. "That sounds fine by me" Wasting no time with foolish hesitation the black sleeveless was stripped off as soon as high heels met carpet. "No! No! No!" said his John. "Strip for me. You’re price comes up to eighty." "Oh" Robin nodded. "Kay"
Theatrical dance looked stupid without music or to the music of his taste. He snaked his body side to side, it seemed to please the stranger. Clothes came off and Robin reminded himself his body was merchandise. The man left offering him advice. "Don’t let anyone tell you, you’ll make more money as a blonde. I’d pay more for you the way you are. You should come by the office where I work. I know lots of guys who’d pay you."
"Thanks." It seemed to be a well intentioned suggestion.
When all was said and done he remembered something crucial. He forgot to make the man pay! He slammed his fist repeatedly on the mattress. It was off to the street again. The feeling of stranger’s eyes was the feeling of judgment. His clothes were habitually being tucked down. Standing on a street corner he saw two girls across from him, twins, working together. He didn’t feel enmity with them. He felt sympathy for them. A car drove up. "How much?”
This time he decided he’d take no less than seventy five, but he was curious if he could get more. Two hundred was offered. It seemed ridiculously high to Robin but he took the cash before he got into the car. He felt too much for tears by the end of the night. At least he felt something.
Robin started to go to office parties regularly. These were the Johns with the most money. Drunk out of his mind he sat on top of a Xerox machine letting some pervert photo copy his privates. A bigger man in a tie twisted him onto his back, still on top of the machine. With blind thumping against his thigh, he couldn’t breathe very well. The man tried to kiss his lips he turned his head so he was kissed instead upon the neck. Someone had started to make more copies. He was passed around by nine un named men and bye the end of it stumbled down the stairs weak and bruised. Prostitution was not cognate to having sex for pleasure. He never had a say in what they did to him because they paid for him. He never received back what he enjoyed. More often than not the Johns were rough and un enjoyable. When they weren’t rough they were boring. Robin fixed his broken strap and went to watch the city buses.

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With tears rolling down his delicate cheeks, Robin sat watching the buses pull in and out. A man sat down beside him exhaling fragrant smoke. He didn’t see the newcomer inhale but didn’t think much of it either. “Are you okay?” a concerned question from a stranger. Robin looked away and uncomfortably started to speak. “I get depressed sometimes.” He looked at the unknown person as he was discreetly handed a small thin cigarette. “Here this will help you feel better.” Robin felt the joint between his thumb and finger. As he contemplated bringing it to his lips he felt desperate. Too desperate to wonder if the man had any disease or what side affects the drug might have. Emotions did the thinking. He took a small breath that couldn’t hurt him. The stranger watched his lips. “I don’t feel any different.” Robin handed it back.
“Once you inhale keep it in until you need more air, then exhale and take a breath.” The joint was offered back with the pointer. Without hesitation Robin took it in his hand again. He inhaled longer this time and kept the breath inside as he gave the cigarette back. Within moments he felt excitement increasing to nervousness, exhaling near panic. His body felt aroused and his eyes lit up as he looked back to his savior. “My name’s Jake” the man introduced himself without any formalities but was still polite. “Robin” feeling awkward without a hand shake he started rubbing his knees instead of initiating one. “Thanks”
Jake inhaled and paused for an entire sixty seconds. Robin couldn’t care twice about being ignored. Jake exhaled. “You got a place to stay?”
Robin shook his head. “Not tonight. No vacancy in the old motel” Jake stood up and stretched. “Well you can stay with me tonight. No charge” Robin stood and snatched up his back pack. “You mean it?”
“I don’t lie”
Jake’s place was small, one room that doubled as kitchen and living area, with a bathroom in the closet. “Throw your bag anywhere” said Jake, crushing the end of his joint under his shoe. Robin looked around and tossed his backpack to the side of himself. He heard the thump and watched Jake start to unfold a beat up sofa. He blinked. Wasn’t there something he wanted to ask the man? Oh right. “Can I use your phone?" Jake nodded and believed he spoke but pointed to where the phone sat by the window. "I’m sorry this number is out of service" The operator’s cold electronic voice sounded apologetic. Robin put down the phone. "Figures"
"What is it?" Jake asked as he crawled under the bed sheets and started laughing. Robin started laughing too but didn’t know why. "I tried calling this hotline this jack ass gave me but it’s fucking disconnected." Next to Jake he sat down as he undid his shoes and anything else uncomfortable. "Are you sure about this? I don’t want to impose.”
Jake nodded. “Positive.” Robin had never seen a more peaceful face than Jake’s. Out on his side he stretched burying his head down against the softest pillow. Refusing to believe his good luck he fell to sleep, depression forgotten.
In the afternoon he woke up with the driest mouth and emptiest stomach he had at all experienced. Jake was already up and preparing fried eggs on top of toast for the both of them. Normally he wasn’t hungry and picky for his first meal. Now he’d eat anything. He bit into the egg experiencing yolk run into his mouth. “Want some O. J.?” offered Jake pulling the jug from the refrigerator. Robin accepted enthusiastically. “Yes please!” Jake uncapped the jug, took a swallow for himself and handed it to Robin. After drinking from the jug unchallenged for the first time in his life Robin realized where he was: heaven’s bachelor pad!
“So Robin how much money do you make?” That was an odd question he didn’t want to answer. “Depends”
“Depends on what?” Jake bit into his own egg and started to prepare more.
Robin chewed leisurely and listened to the sizzle of the pan. “The customers.” The broken egg shell was tossed into the garbage. “I’ve got my own business too.” Robin looked around again forgetting not to insult his host. “Looks real successful” he said sarcastically. “It is” said Jake in defiance. He put another egg on to Robin’s plate and cooked again. Without thinking twice Robin picked it up with his fingers. “So what do you do?” he asked, cramming more breakfast into his mouth. “I sell….medicine! Like a pharmacist!”
“That sounds interesting” Robin lied caring more about food than conversation. “What do you do?” Jake continued.
The stove was clicked off for the moment. Eggs continued to be shoveled into stomachs. “I..uh..I”
Jake started laughing squishing up his cheeks. Robin found it unattractive while noting Jake was a little over weight. “I’m not going to turn you in! I’m an illegal pharmacist if you know what I mean” He winked. Robin took the hint. “Oh, well, I’m a prostitute.” Jake wasn’t surprised, his most frequent buyers were sluts. “Explains your clothes.” Robin was slightly offended but drank more orange juice. “What kind of cigarette was that you gave me?”
“Marijuana.” Jake walked over to a wicker chest. The flower arrangement and magazines were removed from top. A plastic bag was pulled out from inside, he put it down in front of Robin. It looked instead facsimile to ordinary grass. “One pound two hundred dollars. This one’s free. If you need more” Jake handed Robin his business card, pulled out of a recipe box. ‘Jake Ignathius (Y. K. W.) W. 27 ST #4460’ "Y K W?" Robin asked. "You know why” Jake was a bad commercial add as he laughed and pointed to Robin. He felt guilty so he couldn’t feel the humor. All his life he was told to ’just say no’, it wasn’t that easy. Well he didn’t have to smoke it because he had it. The possession was justified by not wanting to offend his host and knowing he could throw it away once he got back into a hotel.
Breakfast was over. Previous clothing was worn again. "Well I have to go to work and I suggest you do the same. Prescriptions to fill!" announced Jake, packing a black suit case as he left. Robin wondered how he didn’t attract attention to himself in that costume? He should resemble a business man.

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Marijuana can not be thrown into a waste basket! Robin stamped his foot. "Damn there has to be a way I can get rid of it and not be caught" he shook his head and started to hide it in the drawer under his clothes. With a sudden thought he snatched the clothes away. "No, I’ll smell like it." He put it away in a smaller drawer that wouldn’t be used for anything.
Robin had successfully forgotten about the drug until his mood had changed from manic back into depression. He kept thinking about the time he had inhaled it correctly. He took a dollar and rolled the leaves within it. His thumb clicked the black lighter and the flame ate away at the paper. Sitting in the middle of the floor he brought it to his lips.

¶Chapter 13: No more looking back¶
The hissing of the cold rain pounded against the glass of the phone booth. Robin was inside blowing hot air between his hands before tucking them under his pits to keep warm. He peered past the twilight, towards the headlights of the cars running down the highway. After all this hesitation he deposited his fifty cents to make one lousy phone call. The ring on the other end was both comforting and terrifying. “Hallo?” the voice belonged to his father. Robin only breathed against the speaker as heavy as the rainfall. Violently the phone was replaced.

¶Chapter 14: Drug Induced Dreams¶
Ashes fell to the floor dangling from the joint that clung to Robin’s lips. The reason he stood now in front of the mirror was to study his eyes, he checked for evil. The mirror was the most prominent part of his room, it centered everything. Inside it’s reflection he saw a man made of shadow hide behind the curtains. He turned around rapidly. The joint fell to the floor. The curtains were opened but nothing but the outside view faced him. The clicking of footsteps died away behind him. No one could be seen there either. The lights were turned off and he picked up his b. b. gun. The safety was shut off as he laid cautiously down in bed. He turned his head and began to close his eyes. Another pair of eyes snapped wide open as Robin looked into the eyes of the ghost laying beside him. Fleeing from his bed he went to flip on the lights as the shadow fled through the wall. There was a quiet pause before a loud bang sent Robin screaming. The gun had fired accidentally.
It was a wonder he fell asleep at all if even poorly. A rattling woke him. Eyelids opened with weariness before freezing at the view of his doorknob turning from the outside. Someone was trying to break in. He picked up his toy gun and started creeping towards the door. Stealing a look out the peephole, he saw a bald white humanoid of light, and the same familiar eyes. The feel of the gun shaking in his hands reminded him he had to do something. He threw the weight of his body against the door, knocking back at the intruder. A florescent light pierced through every crack reaching the climax of a rising sun, then it died away and was gone.

Robin picked up the phone and dialed Jake’s number. “Hello?” a dry voice spoke to Robin. “This is Robin” he said through heavy breaths. “Can you come over?”
Jake was surprised. “Come over? Why?” his voice sounded pissed.
“Please, I just don’t want to be alone. I’m really scared”

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“I used to be in the same room when my sister had sex” Jake’s joint clung to his lips as it was dipped into the flame of a scented candle. “I used to watch men devour her body hundreds of times. I never felt like I could leave. I watched her spread her legs so many times, I couldn’t look at her without thinking of the word whore.” Robin’s own joint had paused in the air. “God. I’m sorry. What was that like?” he fished for words. “I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong, like I had fucked her too, but I didn’t want it. I felt emotionally rapped. When it was over I’d sit alone and wish I was somewhere else. I’d remind myself it wasn’t me but her current boyfriend. I would take showers and change my look in subtle ways so I could feel like I had started on a brand new day. Finally I was taking a walk..” Jake’s eyelashes fluttered. Robin was his priest and new drug. Jake was an empty boy and Robin filled the space. “Fine. I had run away. I was sleeping behind grocery store buildings and eating out of trash. A man approached me and asked if I had anywhere to stay. Of course I said no. He said I could live with him and in exchange I could do odd jobs. Odd jobs sounded a hell of a lot better than..”
“Were you a prostitute?” Robin‘s tone was sympathetic. Jake emphatically shook his head. “No. No. I delivered the drugs at first. Once he knew he could trust me I progressed to salesman. He’s still my boss” Jake shrugged. Smoke blew through his nose, the spitting image of a fairy tale dragon. “We all have our excuses Robin.”
Since the subject changed to a more light hearted one Robin mentioned something he had been meaning too since Jake’s arrival. “I don’t have the money to pay you for this” Robin gestured with the joint before taking another hit. “But I can get it for you. I swear.” Jake’s deep brown eyes were clearly thinking. “You don’t have to pay in cash.” Robin’s stomach sank, he knew what was coming. “There’s this party tomorrow night. My boss is throwing it. If you could come with me and pretend to be a girl I’d appreciate it.” Robin’s eyes lit up in surprise. “That’s it? You just want me to hang on your arm all night?” Jake nodded, and blushed. “Well if you could tell everyone how good I am in bed, I’d appreciate that too. I should be going now. It was good seeing you again Robin” Robin stood up to show his guest out the door. He savored the way Jake said his name, so dove hearted. The door was opened for him. “It was nice seeing you again too Jake” he kissed Jake’s cute fat cheek. It was relieving to have a friend.


¶Chapter 15: Midnight Blue Part 2¶
Feminine lips tried to embrace his face, he turned his head left and right trying to fight. She paid for him at a bar like any other John. To climb inside a woman felt disgusting, wet and soft as decaying flesh. Hot vomit rose up into his throat from the bottom of his clenching stomach. He swallowed. Numbly his eyes watched the clock. He wondered why if he would end up with a female anyway, why it couldn’t have been Becky? Poor Becky, now he had betrayed her. Sometime, the minute switched to the hour of his saving grace. He pushed the woman off of him by her forehead. “Time’s up. You paid for a half hour”
She growled. He climbed out of bed her voice chasing him. “I haven’t reached my orgasm!” “Oh well” he said, discarding the condom. “Pay double then” Brushing his hair in the mirror, watching her go through her purse in the glass, he didn’t expect her to have it. He smiled and wondered if she could see his face? Studying her he wished she at least favored his ex friend. No, she had a tan and dark Latino features, desirable by some men. Why was she here? A neglected wife perhaps.
She showed the cash on the bedside table. He turned around in horror. “Come back to bed then” she demanded. With no choice but to crawl back in, he threw his hair brush with such power it cracked against the sink. “Twenty minutes” he said lowering the time. He kept himself on top finding it easier to fight off her lips. Briars impersonating nails scratched into his back. “Kiss me now and I’ll pay you more”
“Kisses aren’t for sale” he whispered in her ear. “Harder! Faster!” she demanded, throwing her head back. Her hands moved off his back relieving his skin but imprisoning his face. She pulled him in to kiss him, her tongue slipped into his mouth as she threw him on his back. He pushed her off. “I told you no kissing! Now leave!”
Clawing at his face she forced him back into submission. “You owe me ten minutes!” He closed his eyes to protect them from the flurry of nails. Laying on his back giving in before she became more of a tempest he let her take forty minutes. She left through the door without a thank you or goodbye. He sat up spotting the bills as he did. He picked them up and threw them at his reflection in the mirror. Scattering in the air before floating to the floor. He examined his face whimpering under the sting of scratches. Keeping tears and breath inside he applied rubbing alcohol.

______________________________
Despite feeling cheap and pretending to be someone else while he worked, this new life worked. He made more money in one day than a weeks worth of a restaurant salary. He was able to afford a hotel over his head, new clothes, make up, and food all on his own. New York was cheerier than Baltimore so he enjoyed the sights. It was an ego trip. He buried the sweet near innocent Robin years ago but sometimes the dead tried to be resurrected. Sometimes he still tried to call home but hung up when he heard a voice.
Two years passed in an eye blink on the street. He had no idea where he was on his nineteenth birthday, most likely in a hotel room sucking…
He couldn’t figure out how depression had sneaked back into his life maybe it was selling himself to less attractive Johns and women? Maybe it was that cheap fling in the men’s bathroom? He felt less than worthless. It didn’t matter how the intruder got in, it needed to be killed. Fragrant smoke rose into the air. The taste craved his lips. Images of clothing randomly thrown on the floor and furniture spun in circles as he stood up straight. His fingers clutched and turned the door knob. The air was cold but no longer desolate. Sounds of foot steps against metal stairs reached his ears. The sight of the New York sky line his eyes. He inched closer to the edge of the roof top. A small wall separated him from death, his fingers ran over it insignificantly as his mind contemplated. Robin set his right foot on top, all he needed now was that small extra push from his left. He pushed. Halfway up he never got a better picture of New York. The left foot dropped back down commanded by the stomach. He walked back down the stairs. High but still not too keen on splattering his brains on the sidewalk. There had to be another way. Religion took a side. Normally he didn’t think twice about Christ, Hell, or Heaven, but tonight he did. If you go to hell for murder and to commit suicide is murder then you won’t go to hell if someone else does it for you? That was Robin’s reasoning anyway. That was how he came to be sitting on the train tracks crying because a train never came to run him over.
No new hope came to him. No new reason for living as he sat there looking at the ground. This was simply not the end no explanation why. He took a walk into the city. The window displays and smells of food made him forget about the train. A church was in view large and bright. The mere sight of a Christian church gave him comfort. Robin didn’t know why but it made him feel it was plausible to start over. It was the building itself that made him feel this way. The people themselves were hypocrites and too distant for any real relation. Occasionally he could connect with a few genuine diamonds. The relationships became stale, and he forever felt lost and homeless in their eyes. A wretched creature worth only pity, yet it was easy to go to church when he had no persuasions of his own.

¶Chapter 16: Nothing Changes
Robin’s thoughts seemed to whisper in his ear. Walk away, right now, walk away. You don’t need that stale place. His instincts drove him instead to Jake’s. The knock upon the door seemed extra loud and hollow. After the cue of clanking locks the familiar chubby face made it’s appearance. “Hey are you okay burn out?” Jake’s voice sounded soothing and dry. “You look like you’ve been tripping acid all night.” Robin cradled his waist with his arms leaning against the door frame. The dark circles under his eyes matched his clothing. “I’ve got no food and the munchies, can you help me out?”
“Sure. Sure. Come on in” As Robin took the invitation Jake hunted through the refrigerator. “I have eggs and orange juice” Still holding his stomach, Robin sat down on the couch. “Do you have anything else?”
“Turkey?” Jake suggested, holding up the deli slices.
“I’ll take the eggs” Robin droned. “You look like hell” Jake served the comment with the orange juice. “Thanks” Robin started sipping on the acidic sweet drink. “Seriously, this isn’t just the munchies, is it?” Sympathy when it’s least expected causes the strange emotional reaction of tears and worthlessness. “I tried to kill myself okay? I tried all night and I fucking failed. I can’t even do that right. Happy now Mister Sherlock Holmes?” Jake’s face showed concern but his body pulled him over to the stove. Robin’s knuckles stretched white around the juice glass as his tears dripped in to add a salty flavor. “Why would you want to do that burn out?” Robin looked into his face resembling an angry tiger. “Why do you call me that?”
“Because that’s what you are” Jake was starting to become angry at his uninvited house guest. Robin stared at him before shaking his head and standing up. Jake half expected him to say fuck off and exit. Leaving behind all phone calls and unexpected visits as he did his only meal on the coffee table. “Can I bum a cigarette?” asked Robin, more sophisticated and polite than the phrase itself. Jake tossed him a pack and a lighter. He admired how desperately Robin lit up between his hands. Grey smoke flew into the air from between his tortured lips, catching the sunlight twirling it within it’s liquid form. Jake almost hated the way he littered the apartment with his presence. “I’ve got to take a piss.”
The ceiling was off white to yellow with pieces hanging down. It was strange the things he noticed because his nose was pointed in the air trying to escape the smell of his own urine. Robin turned his head, ashes falling from the cigarette. “Why are you watching me dick face?” Casually Jake laid his head on the door making no excuses for himself. Robin on the other hand demanded an answer, sick of his life, sick most of all of being stared at with sexual eyes. “What?”
“I just think nothing!!” Jake banged the door with his fist leaving Robin to his privacy. Robin came out of the bathroom, his cigarette burned down but still being sucked on mercilessly. “Are you in love with me or do you have a urine fetish?” Jake sat with his hands between his legs, his dark eyes looking deader than his usual nihilist self. “Can I film you?”
“Film me?” Robin asked, driving the cigarette into the ash tray. “Dancing and stripping. I’ll be upfront about this. I want to make a porno.” Robin stuck his hands in his back pockets, shaking his head trying not to cry. “I thought you were different man?” Jake stood up to his full intimidating height crunching his fist as if to punch him. “Damn it Robin you’re a fucking whore! You should be used to this! Do you want that food or not?” Robin ran to the small table, bent over, cramming everything as fast as he could into his mouth. He was nothing but a penniless starving animal. “Wear some kind of costume” Jake instructed. Robin wiped the orange juice away from his chin. “All I have is a Nazi uniform.” Jake turned up an eyebrow. “Really? That’s fine burn out. Just fine” Jake patted Robin on the shoulder. “But it’s too special for that” Robin protested.
“If this is about money, I’ll pay you”

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The exciting choppy blare of the guitar, the pause and hesitation of the dancer. “What’s wrong? This is your favorite song right?” Jake asked, peeping behind the camera. “Favorite band” Robin corrected. It’s always tease, tease, tease A hand caressed an inner thigh brushing against a penis erect under boring brown. The room was lit with one light casting a sepia tone over the dancer’s angelic face as he stripped away the uniform.
He crawled forward to the camera dressed now as an angel in bondage. Jake’s website was receiving at least a thousand hit’s a day and taking in as much money. The downloads went from stripping to sex with multiple people. After screwing the brains out of a mountain of a man with chocolate skin called Kitten, Robin stood numbly in the shower staring up at the emotionless eye of a web camera. There wasn’t much of a choice if he thought about it. Screw Johns in the street who haven’t been tested for anything, or screw the ones he knew were clean for the computer screens of multiple men in their underwear. He licked his lips for the camera before giving it the finger bent over between his ass cheeks. Dressed in a white bathrobe smoking on his favorite hobby he went to lie down with Kitten and company. Rammstein’s lonely engel playing in his head on repeat.

¶Chaper 17: Jake’s Accident¶
The walls pounded with the sound of sex, but the camera film wasn’t rolling. Jake stood outside the paper thin door listening, and smoking something stronger than a cigarette until his eyes bugged out. Couldn’t Robin keep his pants on for one wretched second? The broken projector inside his mind flipped pictures of Robin. “What should I wear tonight?” red lips mouthing the most useless pointless phrases. “Stop. You’re making me blush.”
Why did he care so much who the guy banged? It wasn’t as though he was banging him. Bye some crazy cosmic force the idea came into his head if he could climb the bookshelf he could escape. His friend’s laughter pierced the room as books tumbled open onto the floor. The balance was thrown as Jake came crashing down. “Help!” he called out, finding that his legs were trapped. “Help?”
Gasping his dream appeared attempting to lift the case from off him. His voice barely came to Jake’s ears. “Deac help!”
‘Deac? Who’s Deac?’ Jake’s thoughts were disoriented. Kitten seemed to be fully clothed as he helped Robin with the bookshelf.

¶Chapter 18: Music Box¶
“Are you in love with Kitten?” Jake asked the question supporting himself against the window and a walker. “We’ve gone out a few times. Fucked a few times” Robin’s mannerisms were casual suggesting the phrase ‘of course you’d know that.’ “We’re kind of dating I suppose, but no, I don’t love him. It’s impossible for me to fall in love” A fist of words struck Jake’s ears. He nodded. “Why? I mean why would you say that? Impossible?” Robin shrugged and lit a cigarette. “I’ve adapted I guess” In that moment Jake hated him. “God I hate these things sometimes“ Robin flipped the cigarette away into the ash tray.
“Well I’m glad you’re not in love or I wouldn’t give you this” Jake leaned against his silver walker to carry a small pink box towards Robin. “What’s this?” he asked, receiving it into his hands. “It’s to say thank you for getting me out under a shelf.” Robin’s face showed enthusiasm and confusion. “Yeah what were you doing it climbing it anyway?” Jake pursed his lips and blew his cheeks as Robin must have seen him do a thousand times before. “Nothing.”
Robin held the box against his chest. “I’m not opening this until you tell me”
Jake shook his head and started to raise himself down into a wheel chair, he never wanted help. “Then don’t open it.”
“You never tell me anything anymore!”
Jake modestly replied with a short ‘humph.’
Inside, the box held a ballerina dancing to the dance of the sugar plum fairies in front of lavender lining. The ballerina herself was worn and without a face, while the lining was torn but hardly noticeable. Robin blinked and hesitated to say anything. “You don’t like it?”
Was it him or did Jake have more of a baby face than usual? “No. I love it”
“It belonged to my sister. I’m gay Burn out.”
“What?” Robin looked up, his moonlight blue eyes knowing that the comment wasn’t relevant. “I’m gay. I’ve always been with masculine men like Kit, Kitten, Deac, whatever his name is” Jake waved his hand. Robin silently blew oxygen between his lips. “Wow. All this time. All this time I thought you were straight. I thought I knew closets?”
“I’m attracted to you because you look like a girl. Doesn’t that make me straight?”
Robin shifted his back and his shoulders, scratched his ear. “No”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve got to sort this out. Do you get that Burn out?”
“Yeah” Robin looked at the floor. “I get it”

¶Chapter 19: Jake’s Christmas Present¶
Outside it was still snowing and the streets were alive with the sounds of the Christmas holiday. Inside on a hotel bed Robin laid on his back pulling down the bottoms of his eyelids from sheer boredom. Suddenly a realization came over him. “I have got to go out.”
Snow crunched beneath his shoes. Activity ceased to seem real. Robin turned into a bookstore, he could hear dance of the sugar plum fairies playing inside. What a strange and haunting melody. Perhaps it was mean to buy Jake a book for Christmas? But he knew of certain subjects that fascinated the man. Photography? God no. Aliens? Fairies? Um. Ah! At last the perfect present! “Can I have this gift wrapped please?” The girl behind the cash register grinned to reveal her dimples. “Certainly! Would you like to try a free coffee sample?” Her smile was infectious. “Yeah sure. Why not?”
“It’s right over there” She pointed to a table behind him furnished with small paper cups and a hot coffee dispenser. He turned, still listening to her retail jabber. “It’s our new Christmas blend now at forty percent off”
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The walk from the store towards Jake’s apartment felt as long as forever. His skin was red and burning in spite of the snow. Robin knocked before noticing the note. “Hey Cowboy! Went to Santa Ana California with Kit but hey if you’re ever in the neighborhood drop by to” as Robin muttered the address to himself he was filled with rage. He tore the note off the wall, crumbled it, ripped it, tossed it to the floor. “I DON’T CARE! BASTARD! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I don‘t care! I‘m used to people leaving!”
Jake’s neighbors poked their heads outside their doors to stare at the cause of all the commotion. Water pouring from still strangely innocent eyes, they didn’t stare back for long.
He couldn’t count how many times he dreamed about pushing Jake down a hill in his wheel chair. Neither could he count the times he had thought about tonguing him on an amusement park ride, or on how many streets he could feel his absence.


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Back inside the safe place of his hotel he walked over to his music box, opened the lid, closed his eyes and listened to it’s stalking melody. He screamed, the box crashed into a mirror.
Christmas wrapping was ripped apart from a small red cardboard box. Cards were spilled onto the floor of elaborate and fairy tale design. Robin looked over the directions to learn where and how to place them. When he was previously browsing in the bookstore the tarot card kit seemed a more interesting way to spend time than to go ask a complete fake a thousand questions, as Jake was so often accustomed to doing. He dealt the cards to himself as he watched the flame of his black candle out of the corner of his eye. His soul turned to ice when he saw the card that faced him. A silver skeleton from a black sky in the process of drawing a sword from his right hip. Straightaway he consulted the guide. “This is the death card, to those it is dealt will die soon” he bit his lip. “Well isn’t that the icing on the cake today?”
The candle smoked as it was blown out by a gust of wind. Robin rubbed his arms feeling cold, as he went to examine the window. It was closed. “Christ. These cards are fucking with my head”

¶Chapter 20: Ladies and Gentlemen! The Final Act
Robin sat in the stillness of the night smoking and wishing he could cry. A book was in his hands that he could no longer concentrate on. “In the end all forms of death can be classified as heart failure” he smiled weakly. The sour smell of old ink and paper was brought to his nose and inhaled deeply. Earlier today some woman had asked him if he was gothic and stared at him strangely as he found he didn’t know how to answer the question. She called him weird. He felt unlabeled, free yet unaccepted. A few hours later to get a taxi home, she depended on his gracious loan of cash. It made him think. The cigarette was discarded as rough scratchy sounds escaped his lungs through his mouth. He blew his nose as he stomped over to re-adjust his room’s temperature. Cold tomato juice was downed for dinner before settling under thick bed covers trying to make out the scrambled porn channel. Eventually he fell asleep feeling hot and feverish.
Alone the darkness sets in and chills start coming from the inside out. Favorite music of an old friend played as cold tears crossed the tracks of Robin’s cheeks. The candle light flickered and the fragrance of the candle grew dim. He wrapped his arms around himself, the drop of temperature was only the result of a virus. Eyes closed and prayers came from pale purple lips. “I’m scared and I’m alone. If I go to sleep tonight I may never wake up for the morning.” As he cried harder his skin grew colder until it felt as hard as ice. In his ear he came close to hearing the whispers that had always been there. Listen to me. On his hand he could feel the mild pressure of a loving grip. “I hope I do die tonight. I have nowhere to go from here” In a moment his eyes looked up into the mirror, the reflection revealed the truth. On his right a young man he almost didn’t recognize was speaking to him, what identified him was the swastika on his arm band. On his face was a mixture of anger, sadness, love, and compassion. Robin’s blood forgot how to flow through his body as he watched. In the following second he broke out into louder cries, his fingers tried to grasp at the presence of the person he loved the most. Within the palms of his clawed hands he clung to solid shoulders and a soft kiss embraced his jaw. The one pure, warm, and completely loving kiss he searched for throughout his entire human life.