A Night in My Previous Life

It was about 12:30 in the morning when the dreaded sound of his angry voice woke her up from her restless sleep. "Please... dear God..." she whispered to herself, "not tonight, please let it not be tonight." She was exhausted and six weeks pregnant with their third child together. The baby was not sleeping well these days and the toddler was starting to get into everything her little hands could grab at. Her Four-year old that was another man's child before she met her husband was a fireball of energy. The apartment looked like a tornado went through it sometimes and she did her best to try and keep up with the kids cleaning, cooking, and laundry but sometimes it was just too much for one person. She was outnumbered and the little ones took up all her time and energy.

"Oh no..." she thought as that familiar voice came closer to the bedroom door. He had seen that the dinner dishes had not been done yet ... sitting in the sink to be taken care of in the morning when she had more energy... and was starting to swear and call her names, "That worthless incompitent bitch! What the fuck does she do all day while I go work my ass off?!!! Lazy piece of shit!!". That voice was getting closer and she rolled on her side praying that tonight he would just leave her alone. She had moved out of their bedroom and into the toddler's room because the nights were so unbearable.

"Please ..." she thought, "let him think I am asleep." Not that it mattered anyway - he always woke her up to tell her to her face that she was a worthless excuse of a human being and would be better off dead. His angry words rang in her ears and she was tempted to throw the covers off and jump out of bed to answer him. "Doesn't he understand that I am doing this ALONE??? He is never here after work... at a bar instead ... leaving me to take care of everything by myself. He will not even hold the baby when he is here so I can get other things done." That made her think of the one time he did.

She had gone to the grocery store two weeks after delivering their second child and was gone for no more than an hour. She had just finished nursing the baby before she left and the child was fast asleep. He had seemed ok with the idea when she left. But when she walked in the door with both hands full ... he walked right up to her with the baby crying in his arms and hit her hard on the side of her head. She dropped the bags and instinctively covered her head with her arms as she yelled "Why the hell did you do that?!!!". By this time the other two children were crying too as he shoved the infant into her arms yelling that she was the most worthless mother in the world to leave her kids like that. Her ear was still ringing from the blow as she put the infant in her swing and turned to him, "What are you talking about?!!! You ARE their father you know! You keep saying that a monkey can do this ... why can't you?!!!" That was just what he seemed to be waiting for as he grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the wall, "You are the one who insists on breastfeeding you stupid bitch!!!" He was screaming in her face, "I have had enough of your shit ... I'm leaving!!!" And before he let go of her neck he spit right into her face before storming out the door.

She waited until he left before she went back out to the car for the rest of the groceries. She knew the neighbors had to have heard what happened and she did not want to see them... she did not want to see anyone. "It's ok sweetheart" she told the crying and scared four-year-old. "Mommy is going to be ok. I have a treat for you guys in one of these bags honey. We will share it after I get the rest of them in the house." The four-year old started to brighten up after that and held the door for her as she brought the rest of the groceries in.

"No...I can't ever let him hold the baby again," she thought lying under the covers as his slurred words rang clear on the other side of the door, "It is not worth it." He was calling out her name now, well not the one her mother gave her, but she knew very well that "lazy worthless bitch" referred to herself. "Please..." she prayed one more time,"... just let him go to bed. I will do the dishes in the morning." All of a sudden her heart stopped and she froze as she heard the door being opened and his voice calling to her in the darkness loudly, "Get your lazy worthless ass up and fucking earn your keep around here!!! I do not work this hard to throw it away on a piece of shit like you!!!"

Again, she fought the urge to leap out of bed and slap him across the face for that. "Who the HELL does he think he is anyway???!!!!" There have been too many times when she did just that but always ended up in a sobbing heap on the floor when everything was said and done. No, she would just pretend she was asleep and maybe, just maybe he would leave her alone tonight. She was lying on her side, facing the wall and tried not to stir one bit. As he entered the room, she could smell the foul scent of whiskey as he moved closer to the bed and yelled, "God damn it I told you to get your fucking ass out of bed you fucking cunt!!!!!!"

Before she even realized what was happening, she felt a sharp pain in her lower back. He had kicked her!!! "Now fucking get up and do your job cunt!!!" That was it ... she had enough of this. Now she was furious, "That asshole just kicked me thinking I was asleep!!!" she thought, " What if the baby had been lying on that side and he had kicked her instead?!!!" The thought of that made her jump out of bed to face this large angry drunk man." She stood right up to him and yelled in his face ... "Don't you ever do that again!!!" She was seeing red now ... he KICKED her!!! How dare he kick her while she was asleep in bed!!! Over what??!!! DISHES!!!! She knew that this would only make him angrier but she did not care. He could have kicked the BABY instead!!! His own child!!! What the HELL is wrong with this jerk!!! She pushed him out of her way to leave the bedroom and went into the bathroom.

He WAS more pissed than ever now and followed her hitting her in the head while her back was turned. "Did you just think you could push me like that you lazy fucking cunt??!!!" "Yes I did!!!" she yelled back, "How dare you kick me like that!! and how dare you hit me in the head too!!! get the hell out of here!!!" And she tried to push him out of the bathroom. His face was red and the stench of alcohol was almost unbearable, he staggered backwards a bit before realizing what was happening and his blood-shot eyes fired up with sheer hatred as he grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her against the tiled wall of the bathroom.

Her back and head stung with pain as she fell to the floor and started to sob. Tonight was like every other night ... a living nightmare. But it was also different for that night was the night that the baby inside her died.

"This is a real story of the abuse I endured at the hands of my ex. I wanted to write this incident down as the anniversary of my daughter Carrie's death is approaching and because I had visited the grave she shares with my younger brother just yesterday. Carrie did not pass through my body though for another three months afterwards. I carried her dead, knowing she was dead from the day after the terrible incident I described above until the night she finally passed through my body three months later. It was by far the most horrible thing I have gone through in my life."