Intelligent Design

         A tall skinny man flanked by two human sized cans of vegetables with arms and legs filled the spotlight. The hall, previously filled with loud, energetic music, was now silent but for the beginnings of a drumroll, like distant thunder. The man's oily thin mustache twitched as his lips prepared to act.

         "Ladies and gentlemen," the lips said, amplified by an undulating adam's apple, "you may want to hold on to your armrests, for what I am about to tell you has been known to cause an abrupt loss of consciousness in the weakly constituted. Men, hold tightly to your women, because this news is shocking! And I promise to you on all that I hold dear, it is all, every last gram of it, pure truth, uncontaminated by preservatives or artificial opinion making." Here, the showman paused for dramatic effect with his shiny cane held out to the side, nearly impaling the fifty to eighty-five servings of canned vegetables standing to his right.

         "You won't be told this story by any major news agency. In fact, they may even deny it! They may call me a liar." Some segments of the audience who appeared to be privy to the mind blowing information that was about to be revealed filled the room with the intermingling frequencies of boos and hisses.

         "It is not only the misguided media that opposes my compatriots and I. No! Even the academic professionals guffaw in the face of my striking revelation. You heard me right. The scientists and doctors we all hold in such high esteem are unable to accept evidence gathered using strict scientific procedures. Like the enemies of Copernicus, our elite thinkers oppose what will one day be accepted as common sense." More sporadic booing. "In fact, just to be perfectly certain that my information is believed, I won't waste my breath trying to tell you my world changing secret, I will show it to you in all of its technicolor glory!" This statement was greeted by wild applause.

         The distant thunder of rolling drums now seemed much closer, as if the clouds were ready to let loose a torrential downpour directly overhead. The electric charge of excitement shot from body to body in the tightly packed crowd. The scene resembled a rock'n'roll concert or an evangelical television show featuring old ladies who could walk again after discarding their walkers at the beckoning of the holy spirit. The spotlight dimmed, and under cover of darkness the mustachioed MC moved to the other side of the stage. A black curtain was furtively opened, but a silhouette was all even the front row participants could discern.

         Cymbals crashed and lightning bolts were loosed in the form of strobe lights. The crowd began to boil over, and the spotlight was again illuminating the host, now joined by a companion made of stone.

         "Behold," he commanded, thrusting his arms toward the man shaped rock. Curiously, the figure appeared to be pouring a stone can into a stone pan. "I present to you the proof that will end decades of scientific debate!" The segment of the crowd that had not already seen this presentation and, in addition, had not joined in on the pandemonium that had filled the hall, looked confused as their cheering abated. "No one can deny what their eyes tell them, and right now your eyes are feasting on the image of a genuine fossilized modern human who was recently discovered among the bones of massive ancient creatures. Don't hold your breath quite yet, folks; the story gets stranger yet!" The dubious in the audience became dubiouser while the adrenaline of the converted continued to increase.

         "You may have noticed the cylinder in the figure's right hand, and the larger cylinder in his left. Repeated chemical and DNA analysis has proven, with 99.9 and more nines that I have time to repeat percent certainty that these objects are none other than Campbell's delicious Chicken Noodle Soup and the cooking implement with which to prepare it!" The large can men were dancing on stage behind the fossilized soup chef. Horns accompanied their merry making as the ringleader waited for his newest tidbit to sink in.

         "Independent radio carbon dating has placed our ancestor at 65 million years before this date. That's science my friends. And it illustrates what we have all known, namely, Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup did not arise from lowly monkeys. It did not come from proto soup cans with fins and gills instead of a handy pull tab. It was placed on this earth, perfect and complete, by God himself! Free samples will be available in the lobby. Remember, friends, only Campbell's has the taste so perfect it could only have been designed by God!"