All Or Nothing

“So, do you think Ethan is still hot?”

What the hell type of question was that?

“What are you talking about, Aidan? Why would I think Ethan is hot?”

I watched him as he rolled his eyes and sucked his teeth for emphasis.

“Nothing. Whatever.”

Aidan had been my boyfriend for the past six months, and he still resents Ethan and the fact that I cheated on him with him. It was a one time thing, so I don’t really know why he’s still so pissed... but I guess I would be to if Aidan had been the one that had cheated.

He got up and walked into the other room. I had the urge to follow him and apologize profusely like I had done the first time, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

So instead, I just sat there and wish I could make it all go away. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by someone singing a rather familiar tune from the other room.

“Fantasy... it gets the best of me... when I’m sailing...”

Then it abruptly stopped.

“Fuck. Why was that song in my head?”

Because that was our song. The first song that we danced to at the party that Ethan hooked us up at. The song that was playing when we first kissed. The song that I played on the piano at Ethan’s house the morning after I slept with him.

All I knew right now was that I wanted to tell him I was sorry and that I loved him. But I couldn’t. I knew it wouldn’t make too much of a difference to him because he doesn’t know how much I really mean it.

“Aidan, I’m going out for a bit... I’ll be back later.”

I didn’t want him to respond to that so I just got up and ran out of the door. It was cold and raining and I was getting soaked by the second. I had left my hoodie on the couch and didn’t care. I just needed to take a walk to think about some shit.

The more I walked, the more it seemed to rain. I looked up at the sky and it was ugly. Ugly and sad looking. The saddest grey I’ve ever seen. Suddenly, I didn’t know whether it was the rain, or the tears that had begun to run down my cheek.

As I walked farther down the street, I noticed a familiar car coming towards me. It was Ethan, and I didn’t want to talk to him. So I did my best to walk faster and pretend like I didn’t know it was him. But he pulled up beside me and rolled the window down.

“Sebastien? What are you doing out here? What the hell...?”

He turned off the ignition and jumped out of his car and appeared in front of me.

“Leave me the fuck alone, Ethan. I don’t need this right now.”

I pushed past him and kept going.

“Sebastien... come on, get in the car. You’re soaked. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you could catch pneumonia like that?”

“Fuck you, man.”

“Seriously... you want my hoodie? Come back so we can talk...”

I slowed down...

“Talk? There’s nothing to talk about. It’s been a month and we haven’t said two words to each other...”

I could hear him walking behind me to catch up with me.

“Bastien... look, I know you hate me a lot right now. And I’m sorry, but like you said... it’s been a month, so can’t we just get over it?”

I stopped walking and turned around to face him.

“Get over it? You want me to what... just wake up tomorrow and get over it? Forget it like it never happened?”

He looked at me with a blank expression on his face.

“Well, yeah. It’s not like it meant anything. So come on--”

He grabbed at my arm and I yanked it back from his grasp.

“No. You come on! This wasn’t just a night in your life that can be swept underneath your fucking bed. This was my life! I have a boyfriend, Ethan! And he’s hurting more than you, or I, or anyone else could ever imagine. You know what? I don’t have time for this.”

I spun around and ran back to my house. To my surprise... Ethan got back in his car and started driving. Fast. And again, to my surprise, he didn’t look back.

I threw the door open to find Aidan sitting on the couch in silence. Suddenly he looked up at me startled.

I was holding onto the doorknob trying to catch my breath.

“A-Aidan... I lo-love you. I-I know that you don’t believe me, but I do. And I’m so so so-sorry about Ethan. I ne-never ever meant to hurt you like th-that.”

He got up quickly and ran over to me. He tried to hug me but I didn’t want him to hug me. I just wanted him to listen to me.

“N-no Aidan. Just hear me out, please?”

“Sebastien, you’re soaked! We have to get you out of these clothes--”

“No! You have to let me finish this.”

He stepped back and folded his arms.

“Aidan, I love you. What Ethan and I did, it was wrong. Horrible and wrong. It meant absolutely nothing to me. You have to understand that...”

Nothing. He was still standing there.

“Do you understand that? Do you even know what this past month has been like for me? Let me tell you, it’s been fucking hell.”

“You think you’re the only person that’s been through hell over this?”

Finally... a response. Not one I was expecting, but a response still the same.

“No, no I don’t. I know what you’ve been going through--”

“Now that’s where you’re wrong. You have no idea what it’s like to be in love with someone, and then they go and cheat on you with someone that you considered to be another one of your best friends. It hurts more than you could possibly know, Bastien. It really does. Too much sometimes...”

Wait... what was that supposed to mean?

“What do you mean? Aidan, what the hell are you saying?”

He looked down at his hands for a second and when he looked back up at me I could see the tears frosting over his eyes.

“Sebastien... I love you, too. More than I want to declare. And that’s why I can’t do this anymore... I wanted to try and make it work... but I can’t. I know that noting between us will ever go back to normal...”

I felt the tears stinging my own cheeks. And unfortunately, I knew I couldn’t blame the rain, not this time.

“Sebastien, you have to understand that I have to do this. It’s not something that I want to do, but I know that it has to be done. And now that I know that you would never break up with me... I have to... break up... with you.”

So that’s it?

“So that’s it? I get no say in this? You’ve been pulling me along for the past month to break up with me?”

He blinked and a tear fell.

“No. I’m breaking up with you because I love you too much to take the chance of letting you hurt me like this again.”

And with that said... Aidan walked past me and walked out the door. And out of my life. I closed my eyes to see if I could wake up from this. This was the nothing that other people get when they fuck up... not me.

But when I opened them, I was still standing in my living room. Alone. And soaking wet.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

But it did, and nothing is exactly what I get.