addiction

It only takes 20 minutes and 2 glasses of water. I took the pill with one swallow, a minute later, my mouth is so dry. And in about 20 minutes you turn your head, stare at a wall, then shift your eyes to another wall and everything blurs. This is ecstasy. My feet tingle, then nicely go numb up to my hips. My fingers dance on the inside, and shake a little on the outside.

I will start off by introducing you to everyone. It’s only polite.

Tom was the first one I met. I guess he was the door that opened, and with a violent hand pushed me into this horrible world of addiction. He was softly spoken, and in my eyes, made the appearance of the perfect male for me. Very protective, very loving, and very caring. This is personality type A. Tom existed in personality type A, just long enough to get me hooked. Tom’s personality type B took over once he knew I could never leave. He was very moody, uncaring, and hurtful. He lied constantly just to get his way, but we all got used to this, because we all needed him.

Timmy and Finny were opposites but seemed to be twins separated at birth. Finny was tall and overweight and kind yet quiet, while Timmy was a skinny little guy, whose appearance seemed as if he just walked out of Hobbiton from the Lord of the Rings movie. His personality was twitchy, yet funny at the same time. This brings me to Tony, tall and thin, and I can only describe him as “Random.” Twitchy, and quick to find the words to say something completely off of the wall, such as “Quit buying your shit from Janga!” (referring to how my television stand was wobbly.) Tony was always nice, and could break the ice and your gut from laughing in any situation that came up.

And finally, I save this paragraph for Jess. She represented everything I was if I continued down this spiral for years. Her appearance was that of a normal, well-educated woman. She was very loving and captivating. I loved her so much. Yet, out of all of us she was the one that lost in the end.

And finally, there’s me. Completely vulnerable, and innocent yet a risk taking streak ran through my veins. I’d reach a point where anything was better then nothing. I will admit that I stopped caring about my life, yet I didn’t realize this at the time.

I knew Tom for a week before I got into this. We were introduced by chance from a friend. On the night I started my habit, he picked me up in his car, and told me he had to drop some stuff off for a friend from another friend. (Translation: ‘I’m a drug dealer and I need to go make money by preying off of their addictions’) we drove to a house on the main street, the appearance was very un maintained and dark. He gave me careful instructions to wait in the car. I laughed to myself at this comment because all I could think was even if I was invited in, I wouldn’t go he left the car running, and walked into the house. He came out about 2 minutes later shoving a little baggy into his pocket. Yes, this was the moment in time where better judgment took over me (just for a few minutes) all I could hear was Robyn, that’s drugs. That’s drugs! in my head, and yet I was so hung up in Tom’s beautiful personality I didn’t want to believe it. We drove in complete silence across town, stopped at another shady looking house where again I was instructed to wait in the car. He came out about 10 minutes later smelling strongly of dope. My thoughts were: this is alright, he does dope every once and a while, nothing wrong with that. this goes to show vulnerable I was to my environment.

We drove to the zoo, and parked in the back parking lot. He pulled out the baggy I saw earlier that he had so hastily shoved into his pocket. In it was 5 little pills.
“What are those?” I asked. But I knew the answer.
“Ecstasy” he replied quietly. He pulled one out. “Try one.”
“I don’t have any money Tom, I can’t.” I answered, yet my eyes still locked on those magic little pills of love.
“its on me. Its okay.” He said as he handed me the pill.
“how long is this going to last?” I asked innocently.
He said “with just one pill 15 minutes, their not that strong.” I hesitated, then closed my eyes and shoved it down my throat. His eyes widened. He reached behind the seat for 2 water bottles. “You’re going to need some water”
“I feel fine.” I said, then suddenly my mouth became so dry. I grabbed the water.
“Easy sweetie, easy” he said to me taking the water bottle momentarily from me. We sat listening to music and everything became so blurry. My whole body tingled, and after 20 minutes I asked for another pill, which for 10 bucks I got. I took it right away. Tom started looking over my shoulder and out my window.
“Shit.” He said. I looked and all I could see in my drugged up state was a white car with high beams glaring, blinding me. The car drove up fast and I thought for sure the car was going to hit us (the pills made everything move faster than what they were) my heart raced. I heard the door open and close, then a strong male voice say “OPEN THE WINDOW!”
I panicked and just laid down on my legs. I closed my eyes and covered my ears. Everything was so fast and so loud. I heard the man open my door and saw out of my eye lids him shine a light around the car.
“Sir, you cannot park here.” He said. Then he hesitated. I felt his eyes on me. “what’s wrong with her? Is she high?”
“no sir, no. she is just feeling sick. She’ll be alright. She’s got a bad stomach ache.” Tom replied confidently yet his voice quivered just enough for me to detect panic. I felt the police officer put his hand on my back, and he knelt down.
“ma’am. Are you alright?” he asked me. I couldn’t even look at him. His lights were too bright.
“yes. I’m fine sir. Just a bad stomach ache.” I replied with great concentration to form the words properly and remember every word in there grammatical order. He hesitated, and gently sat me up and shined his flashlight in my eyes.
“I was just about to take her home, and my cell phone rang and I didn’t want to drive and talk on the phone. But we’re just heading home.” Tom reassured. He put his hand on my other shoulder. “Want me to stay the night with you sweetie? Make sure your comfortable?” the officer waited for my response. A great urge wanted me to admit to the officer that I was high, however fear took over me.
“Yeah.” I said. My eyes rolled into the back of my head from the light and I closed my eyes so the officer wouldn’t see. The officer let go of me, shined it once more around the car, then said “have a good night” and got in his car and left. Tom breathed a sigh of relief and I thought for sure I’d have a heart attack.

We drove home with no incident, and sat down in my living room. I felt like I was coming off of the pills. (slightly) I asked Tom how many pills I had since I couldn’t remember. He said “only a quarter, I have more waiting for you” I smiled, yet realized I had no money.
“I don’t have any money left.” I said sadly.
He smiled and said “Its all on me.” He gave me another full pill. (the count is up to 3 pills) then my common sense came in just for a second to try to save my vulnerability.
“how many of these things does it take to overdose on?” I asked. however I was unaware of how much I had.
“three. Maybe 4. their strong” he replied quietly. Possibly in hopes I wasn’t listening. On my third pill I was feeling it. I was high, and the feeling was amazing and cannot be described no less then being in ecstasy. 2 minutes later my judgment was lost I was swimming and dancing in my own world.
“Here, take 2 more, then the high will be really good.” He said. I concentrated on his eyes trying to almost see if he was lying. However the pills blocked me from this judgment.
“is it safe? Do I look high or seem high?” I got out. Perhaps the words came out in another order but he got what I meant.
“you barely look high, go ahead.” He said. “its safe, trust me. Do you trust me?”
“yeh I trust you.” I said. I took the 2 pills at once. I saw him stand up.



“Well, I gotta head home.”



Panic hit me like a brick wall. I realized at this moment I had possibly taken too much, and that it was unsafe; I had no idea how much I took. “no please stay, please. Just for 20 minutes, just wait for me to come down a little!” I forced out. He was already heading to the door.
“no, I gotta get home.” He said distantly. I heard him open the door. I started crying and panicking.
“please, please stay, I know I’ve taken to much. Please. Please.”
“Good night Robyn.” He said. And I heard the front door shut and his car start, then pull out of the driveway. Panic set in. pure unimaginable panic. I looked around. I could hardly focus my heart was beating faster and faster. I better phone someone…or I’m gonna die! My thoughts were racing as I grabbed my cell phone, flipped through the call display, I tried to walk, but I fell down flat onto the floor. I picked a number and called. It was my friend Nick.
“Nick, are you working tomorrow?” I asked quickly. afraid that the 2 extra pills I took would take effect any second. There was a pause.
“yes. is everything alright?” he asked me.
“no. no. can you come over please? Please? I’ve taken too much.” The phone hung up and about 6 minutes later I heard a car pull into the driveway. He came in and picked me up off the floor. As he put me on the couch the high seemed to get suddenly worse.
“What did you take?” he asked me. My heart was racing and my whole body was shaking, I was cold, then hot, then cold again.
“E. I took e. too much. Too much e.” I got out with each fast paced breath.
“how many?” he asked.
“um…one…two…three…four…five.” I said. I felt my head go back I closed my eyes but the high didn’t go away.
“Jesus, Robyn. I’m going to take you to the hospital.” He said.
“no. NO! please. I’m fine. Just sit with me for a few minutes wait for it to come down. If I go to the hospital I’ll get in trouble with the police for drugs. Please. Just sit here.” He took my hand. I opened my eyes and all I could see was dark creatures crawling on the wall, and up to the ceiling. I panicked more. I remember I tried to get Nick to see what I was seeing but he couldn’t see it.

That night I stopped breathing 2 times. Each time I was jarred awake by him shaking me and screaming my name. He stayed with me all night talking to me, keeping me awake. my heart would race, then suddenly stop I’d feel as if no air could get into my lungs. Everything was spinning and moving so fast, the ecstasy feeling turned into complete horrible anxiety. I thought I’d die. Or perhaps be seriously injured from this.

I laid in bed all day the next day, and for 2 days after that. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think. And when the pills wore off and I returned to my own self, Tom phoned me. He asked me if I wanted to get together with him that night. I told him yes but only if it was at my house since I didn’t feel like driving anywhere.

Tom, Finny, Timmy, Tony and Jess came over. This was the first night I really met Tom’s other friends. At first Jess appeared normal like I did. She was beautiful and thin.
We drank for some of the night and listened to music. Tony was up to his usual antics of dancing in the kitchen to techno.

Later on in the night, Jess laid out 3 lines of finely crushed cocaine onto the coffee table. I knew what it was when I saw it. She didn’t have to say it. Part of wondered what a beautiful girl like her was doing with such a harsh drug.
“is it okay if I do coke?” she said…my heart stopped. Coke. I need coke. I watched her seductively lick the left over cocaine crumbs off of her drivers’ license. I remember doing that. However I forgot how coke destroyed my life a couple of years earlier.
“yeh its fine.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of the beautiful lines on the coffee table. It was a forgotten love, a forgotten feeling. It was like seeing someone you hadn’t seen for about 5 years or so. Like a forgotten lover. Someone who you’ve forgotten what they tasted like, and all you wanted to do was feel it all again. She bent down, and within 3 seconds one line of her beautiful coke was gone. A chill ran down my spine. She tilted her head back on the couch. It was as if everything was silent.
“oh that was nice.” She whispered. Everyone else around her moved in their own world, and I suddenly realized I was sharing Jess’s world. She noticed me staring at her. “you do this shit?” what a question.
“yeh…yes I used to. A lot.” She smiled at me. Maybe it was the coke that smiled at me. I could feel myself breaking. Tom stared into my eyes from across the room.
“can I have a line? Just a small line?” I asked innocently.
The coke smiled at me again, a beautiful huge welcoming smile that seemed to wrap around me in an embrace.
“Of course you can” she said, passing me a 50-dollar Matt rolled up into a straw. I got up and sat beside her and stared down at the line of coke offered to me. It was beautiful. My heart stopped and I hesitated. Tom stared at me. I must have looked like a newbie or something.
“I haven’t done this in so long” I said, with a laugh. My body was screaming at me to take the hit.
“hit it and don’t quit it!” Finny yelled from the background to me, Timmy turned around and banged his beer bottle against Finny’s and a huge cheer broke out among them. I got down on my knees. My hand was shaking. I needed this, but something held me back.
“Come on Robyn, take the hit, take it!” Tom said to me slapping his hand onto my back.
I put the straw to one nostril, and held the other with my finger, then went down for the kill. I closed my eyes, and snorted the line. I felt my head fall back, everything spun, and then everything got tingly. It was so familiar. I opened my eyes, the line was completely gone off of the table.
“AYE!!!” Finny and Tim broke out in a cheer and Tom laughed at them. Jess hugged me.
“Wasn’t so bad was it?” jess said laughing at me.
“lets go for a walk” Tom said to everyone. Which everyone agreed on the idea. We all needed some air. I could feel my body temperature rising. I needed a walk too. The coke hadn’t hit me yet, but I was aware that it was going to in the next ten minutes.
I grabbed my keys to the house. We all went out the front door, I fumbled with the keys, dropped them a couple of times trying to lock the door. Tom helped me with it. We started walking down to the park down the street. We went to our usual place, and sat down facing the water on the hill behind the art gallery. Everything felt a little better then usual. Jess sat to my right, and tom to my left. Suddenly the coke hit me. This feeling can only be described as an unknown brick wall flying towards you. You have no warning. No idea when it’s going to hit. But when it does, nothing about it is soft. It took the breath right out of me, and my head went back. I gasped for a second for air, the coke produced a huge smile on my face, I felt myself falling back, and tom put his hand on my back.
“Ride it, enjoy it!” Finny yelled. Timmy banged his 9th beer bottle off of Finny’s again. Jess laughed.
“feels so good doesn’t it?” she said to me.
“It feels awesome” I said. And everyone cheered. Everything is so familiar. I remember.

This grew into an every night experience. The same people, Tom, Timmy, Finny, Tony, and Jess came over and we drank and did drugs. There were the fun nights, full of laughing and exciting journeys. Then the nights where our habit became so dark it was frightening. This was when I began admitting defeat. I couldn’t fight this anymore. Life had become so dull for me. The drugs were the only way out. And I had fathomed that if I did enough of these drugs I’d eventually die from it. Since my previous suicide attempts had failed horribly I thought perhaps it would be easier to go eventually with a drug overdose. Or perhaps my body would just shut down eventually. I never saw myself reaching Jess’s level of intake. She’d been an addict for so long, and already I was doing more drugs then her each night. However her life intentions were different from mine. The dark nights became more and more and on those night’s I’d convince myself that the next night would be something better. Something more exciting and happy. There was one night in particular I remember, Jess, Tom, Finny, and Tony had gone for a walk like they usually did. And it was just Timmy and me. He was sitting on one couch and I was laying on the other, curled up in fetal position facing the back of the couch. I tried a new stronger type of Ecstasy pill that night and I was feeling it.
“Hey, Robyn? You alright?” Timmy asked me.
“Hmmm…” I made some sort of sound acknowledging his question and that was it. He stood up and sat down on the same couch as me and put his hand on my side.
“Hey? Robyn? You alright?” he asked again.
“Yeah.” I said. He grabbed a blanket and covered me with the blanket.
“How many did you take?” Timmy asked me.
“Three…of those new blue pills that Tom got from someone else.” I said.
“You’ve got too—We’ve got to stop this Robyn,” he said to me quietly. This was one of the first real time I’d ever seen Timmy behaving seriously, recently he’d stopped being the happy bouncy little guy who once made anyone laugh.
“I know,” I muttered.
“Tom made you like this didn’t he?” Timmy asked. What an odd question, he said it more like a statement.
“Yeh,” I said.
“Tom seems to have done that with everyone…” I heard the front door open, and Timmy leaped back to his couch quickly. I grabbed the blanket and covered my head with it. Tom and the rest of the crew came in and sat down.
“Tom, you really gotta slow down Robyn’s pill intake.” Timmy said directly to Tom. I felt Tom’s eyes on me.
“What’s wrong with her?” Tom asked in an “up” sort of way. “Hey Robyn? You alright?”
“Yeh.” I replied. I could feel a bit of annoyance now with his voice and his sarcasm. I heard him get up and come over to me, then he started tickling me. “Fuck off.” I said. The movement was too fast and it was making the high worse. I rolled onto my back and hit him across the face. “Fuck off Tom. Don’t touch me.” He hesitated then sat back down across the room from me.
“Robyn’s been trippin’ all night long…” Timmy said, now trying to make it a joke. “She must be higher than a kite!” Timmy forced out a laugh.
“Hey Robyn? I wish I could be flying with ya right now!” Finny added. Tom hit him hard on his shoulder. I was flying high, it was a wonderful feeling yet it felt so horrible at the same time. I rolled over eventually to face everyone else.
“She’s alive!” Tom said smartly. He reached into his pocket. “I got us a rock of coke Robyn, see?” he showed me a bag full of the devil’s dandruff. I smiled.
“Well, if it will pick me up, I’ll take it.” I said. I slowly sat up and went into the kitchen with Tom to cut up the coke.

The coke didn’t pick me up. It just seemed to add to it all, but it made me forget about the night a few minutes previous to it.

We did this every night, and on one special night I found myself sitting in the kitchen alone with Jess. Jess and I had done this a few times before already. She knew everything about me, and I knew everything about her. Tom and everyone else had gone off for a walk or perhaps a drug run.
“Jess? I think I’m addicted to e.” I muttered. She busied herself cutting up coke and pushing it into lines. Jess looked up at me with those pretty eyes.
“I don’t think you are. I feel the same way. But I bet you and I could go a night without it, and not have any problems. Have you had any e yet tonight?” she asked. her voice was so kind and gentle.
“no. not yet.” I said.
“well neither have I. Lets have a couple of nights with out any E…we can do this.” She said. At this point in time I was doing coke every night, and we both knew that we both were addicted to it as well. Yet it was unspoken of.
“can we still have coke?” I asked.
“yes. All the coke you want sweetie.” She said. She snorted a line then passed me her homemade straw. I snorted 2 lines to numb my sudden craving for the pills. But it didn’t help.

“Jess, can I tell you something you can’t tell anyone else?” she smiled and held my hand on the table.
“anything.” She said.
“I took a pregnancy test a couple of days ago and…” she interrupted me.
“Its Tom’s isn’t it?” she said quickly.
“I need to stop this habit. Or else I’m going to have a crack baby.” I said, I nervously laughed.
“Does Tom know?” Jess asked.
“no. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. So I don’t want to tell him.” I replied.
“why did you have sex with him?” jess asked.
“for the drugs.” I felt so stupid for answering this, but it was true. And I regretted everything.
“Tom will be angry,” Jess told me. “and as for quitting, I’d suggest cutting down more and more each night until you eventually quit.” Everything about her was beautiful.
“jess? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go a night with out E…I can’t. I need some E.” she and I locked eyes and said unspoken words during it in this 1-second embrace. “I don’t care. I’m not addicted. I just need some tonight, that’s all.” Her smile was not of mocking nature but of a gentle caring kind that seemed to wrap around me in a vain attempt to save me. I pulled out a bag full of E and took 2 pills. Then passed the bag to her where she took 1. the boys returned and the party was in full swing yet again. By now, Tom’s personality had changed to his more violent one. And yet I was too blind to see it. It was love, like, and drugs that blinded me from it. He was my key to drugs, and my key to security. In my drug infested world I felt as if I needed him.

This was our little habit everyday. Do drugs until about 3-4 in the morning, then Tom and I would go to sleep at my house (and most of the time Jess) then Tom and Jess would get up at 7 or 8 in the morning and go to work. Then at 4 in the afternoon when I finally woke up from my daze everyone would come over and the cycle would start again.

Through all of this, the phone would ring occasionally and my best friend Matt (who was older than me by more then a couple of years) would be at the end of the line. Telling me to stop this. Telling me was afraid something would happen. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to. Drugs gave me a way out of this hell hole that I had spent so many years living in. to be honest I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to feel. And being alive was so painful.

It was about a week and a half after I had told Jess about my news, when I woke up in the morning bleeding. I panicked. I knew what this meant, and I felt as if over night I had become a self-centered murderer. I phoned my friend, who told me she’d come over after work was over later that night. Tom came over at 6 that evening. And he demanded sex from me. I was laying in bed in complete pain. I had to tell him, however I was holding off on it, perhaps waiting until he’d forget about it. He was high, but I begged with him to take me to the hospital, which he did, and there he found out. I miscarried, maybe for the best in the end. But it still didn’t help the fact that still felt like a killer. A mother who didn’t care about her child.

It was this moment where I realized that my habit was taking over me. My soul had been eaten away by all the coke, and my heart had been destroyed by the pills. I felt like there was no turning back now, no way out of this. I was going down with the ship. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I quit drugs.

It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon when my intervention happened. It was completely unexpected. Tom was coming over around 6 that night, along with everyone else and it was just going to be another drug night. Just like the nights before it. Matt phoned me, and asked to come over to see me. I was fine with this, he’d done this a couple of times before and didn’t stay long anyway. He came over and sat down beside me.
“I have to talk to you.” He said. Drug intervention was the last thing on my mind. All I could think of “has someone died?” because I couldn’t fathom the idea that he cared about me that much. I was too high to realize this.
“I cannot sit back and watch you destroy yourself…” he said. His voice quivered and he fought to maintain his composure. “…I’m asking you, please come live with me, get yourself clean, or go into treatment. I can help you. But I cannot watch you do this any longer. I love you to much too.” My heart stopped and it was at this moment where my heart finally ripped itself apart and I was speechless. I tried to get words out. But all I could do was cry.
“I can’t, I can’t just get up and live in another city. I’ve got a house, and a car…and a dog I can’t.” I think he felt fallen after this, and when his eyes began to water I realized what the drugs were doing to him, when he wasn’t even on them.
I told the family I had left that he and I were going on a trip, and my grandmother took over the responsibility of looking after my dog and my house. and I packed my things up that day and followed him to Lindsay, where he made me up a bed to sleep. He stayed up with me every night until I fell asleep. The withdrawal was so hard on my body and so many times I wanted to quit. I was having panic attacks, and flashbacks. I came to the realization that living without drugs was harder then dying with them.

While I was there, I got a phone call notifying me that my beloved friend Jess had been found dead from an overdose of cocaine. my first thought was why couldn’t that be me? And I want to quit this recovery, I want to go back to this. It set me back so far. I felt so broken at this point. I begged Matt to let me go, and yet he held his ground. And all he could do was sit with me while I mourned her death. I hated Tom for doing it. I hated him for everything. I hated myself for falling into this mess. And I realize now, I have such a long way to go.

Written August 2006 while in Treatment.

*names have been changed*