Ten Drunken Irishmen

September 16th, 2006


“Comon, jus sayit! Iss better when er’yone says…. It”.


They watch him sway slightly, elbow propped on the table, attempting to support his increasingly red face. The process of comprehending is made even more difficult by the fact that on every other syllable he manages to spit out, his elbow slips off the table creating a jerking effect as his sloshing brain attempts to compensate for the sudden lack of support. Each looks around desperately for an excuse to send their attention elsewhere, to no avail. The entire pub has abandoned them, happy that the wealthy inebriate has found new pray.

In a badly choreographed unison, the girls manage to cough out: “everybody likes you”. They feign smiles as their newly made ‘friend’ orders yet another round. They all protest the attempt at affection, pointing out the fact that each member of the small party is already double-fisting, a couple have yet a third set aside. Their eyes silently plead with the bartender as he shrugs and apology and fetches the various beverages. No one argues with a millionaire.

Whispering takes hold between the two girls farthest from their ‘sugar daddy’ as the other two ‘take one for the team’ and distract him.

“Jesus! It was amusing at first and the pizza was good, but there isn’t enough free booze in the world to get me through any more of this!”

“We should’ve just stayed outside.”

“He probably woulda come out there too! And with our luck he’d end up in the river!”

“Ha, true. Seriously though, we have to get out of here.”

“What do we do with the drinks? I should’ve ordered wine so I could just put the top back on and slip it in my purse!”

“Just give them to someone. I can’t take this anymore!”

No longer entertained by the cooing of his current bunnies, his attentions turn…

“Whad are ye talking about?”
sudden intake of breath
“Are you…”
looks around as a creepy grin begins to twist his face
“…Are they sleeping together?!”

Amused attentions turn to the whispering ‘lovebirds’

“Um. No.”

“Well…. Than whad are ye talkin about?” He slurs with a childlike laugh reminiscent of primary school teasing.
Desperate for an excuse normal enough to shut him up one matter’o’factly states:
“I’m her nanny. We were just talking about--”
“Yursleeping wit yur nanny! Whoa! Wait…wait. Sayit. Say ‘we’re sleeping together’. Jus sayit. It’s funny, funny. Jussayit.”

A battle lost the defeated team hurriedly and absolutely free of any amusement state “we’re sleeping together”.

“And you…” he points giddily to the poor girl next to him as the others raise their exasperated hands to their foreheads.
“Who’r you sleeping wit?”

Having given up all hope of holding an intelligent conversation with this man, she decides to humour him. She thumbs in the general direction of the pseudo nanny and her employer.

“Well, I suppose if they are sleeping together than… I’m sleeping with her.”

Being that it is a group of four girls, one can safely assume that our cornered friend is now pointing her finger at the only untaken member of the group, thus safely saving them both from the drunken Irishman. Until…

“No no no no no. Sheez to pretty to sleep with a gurl.” His unfocused eyes find their way, amazingly enough, to our lone survivor. Funny enough, she is also the only member of the group not wearing a drop of make-up.

“Well, there’s nothing like natural beauty!” The girls cackle.
“Seriously though…” the ‘employer’ has taken charge “…we really have to get going”.

“Yur gonna leave me! But I bought pizza! Nobody likes me.” His alcohol induced rollercoaster of emotions have taken a dip. “I should jus jump in tha river.”

The girls manage to protest a bit, but decide to enlist the help of the betraying bartender, since he know owes them one. They are not about to walk this guy home, but no one wants to see the headline in tomorrows paper: Self-made millionaire drowns in River Shannon after being outcast in popular water-side pub, inquest pending.

“Dude, I’m gonna call you a cab, okay?”

Millionaire argues and refuses to comply. Eventually it falls upon Employer to take the situation by the horns and make the tough call.
“Look. Thanks for the food and drinks. You’re a really nice guy, but we have to get going, okay. Why don’t you go sit back at the bar and talk to guys over there. Everyone here likes you.

“Jus sayit! Iss better when er’yone says…. It”.

In unison, a desperate attempt to calm the beast so an escape can be made:
“Everybody likes you!”

In a flurry of purses and coats the girls manage to slip out just as Millionaire saddles up next to the newest guy to find himself an empty seat at the bar.

Nanny wants a bit of closure on the event and no sooner are they out on the steps she exclaims:
“What is it with men with money? We didn’t ask for any of that, but they assume because they do ONE nice thing for you that you now OWE them some eternal debt. You have to kiss up to them because they bought you a couple rounds and a freaking pizza! The pizza wasn’t even that good!”

“How about a game of pool and a couple of pints at The Anchor?”

“Hell yes, but if ANY more MEN try to buy me a drink, I swear, I’m going to throw it at them!”

“Wow, what a dilemma.”