The Universe

Introduction

(Note: Diagrams do not show on writing.com)

Space is big. You may have heard this from Douglas Adam's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but there is absolutely no other way to put it. Space is just...big. Space is also referred to as: The cosmos, or the Universe. In this book, we shall be referring to space as the Universe.
The Universe is also big, since the Universe and space is the same thing. The Universe is large, enormous, vast, but one misconception that people often assume, is that the Universe is infinite. The Universe may be big, but it is not entirely infinite. In fact, the Universe is actually a gigantic paradox. But we'll explain that in later sections. Right now, take my word that the universe is not infinite, that is no longer one of the greatest mysteries of the world. Currently, every single planet in the Universe is asking the question: From where did we come? Yes, the question is still unknown, did we evolve, or are we a creation of God.
Putting aside the question of creation, there are many more misconceptions in the world. Many think elements, atoms, molecules; anything on an atomic level is the building block of everything in the universe. Others think that Area 51 is an alien research center, although those people are not far from the truth. Some think that human beings have creative imaginations, and that imagination is infinite, and can surpass the most extreme limits; take Albert Einstein's famous quote: "Imagination is more important than knowledge." And almost everybody in the world believes in dinosaurs: Huge, lizard-like reptiles who walked the Earth millions of years ago. Everything I just said is a blatant lie, untrue, and completely false. This book is the gateway to the truth. The book you are reading at the moment is not your guide to the galaxy, but your guide to the universe.
First, to understand this book, and to analyze its information, it is imperative that you believe. You must believe in life other than Earth. Earth, compared to the universe is even less of a ratio than a single atom compared to the Milky Way. So, just remember, don't be narrow-minded and stupid. Believe. Also, this book has many terms and words and phrases from all sorts of planets and places. Those terms, words, and phrases are just translated into Earth.



Earth compared to the Universe

There are over one billion planets in the universe, but this book lists only the most important, significant ones [and Earth]. You already know about Earth, but Earth compared to the Universe is an utter mystery.
The planet Earth is not the strongest planet; that would be the Argamandens of the planet Argaman. If we [Earthlings] had their strength, then we would be able to lift Mars with one pinky finger. Earth is not the smartest either. The Corricons of the planet Corricon have little children, just five minutes old, who can prove E=mc^2 [Which is one of the only accepted formulas of the Universe]. No, no, Earth is not the strongest, the smartest, the most philosophical, the most beautiful, or even the best cooks. No, The planet Earth is the most, with no competition at all, none at all, I repeat, the vainest planet in the whole of the Universe. I do not mean that our existence is futile, no; the planets whose existence is futile would not be around too long due to its futility. Earth is the most self-obsessed, self-centered, egotistical planet in the Universe.
Many women on Earth work as models for a living, posing in elaborate lingerie, luxurious gowns, and revealing dresses. Even the men pose in Speedos, with their shirts off, and muscles flexing. No other planet has its inhabitants working as models. Those who do are viewed as prostitutes, at the very least. On Earth, many people have huge egos, women put makeup on every time they go out, men take hours to gel their hair, both view other people who do not act like them, or dress like them, or talk like them, as weird, or abnormal. Many Earth clothes start a new generation of fashion just for the purpose of appearance. No other planet changes the fashion of their clothes. Their motto is: "If it feels good, wear it." But, perhaps the reason we have all these clothes, and models is because of our active imagination? No. If you read the introduction above this, you would learn that Earth, like almost every single planet in the universe, does not have an imagination. Everything we know and think is false. All our ideas are controlled. This section is just a preface of the actual section on Earth. To read the actual section, you must continue onto the next section: Concepts of the Universe.


Concepts of the Universe

In the past sections, I told you that the Universe was not actually infinite. This is still true. The Universe is actually composed of four sections of space. At least, that is the accepted, universal idea.
In our Universe, the four sections of space are: Section Alpha, Section Epsilon, Section Sigma, and Section Omega. Do these sound familiar? Well, they should. In the Greek alphabet, Alpha is the letter A, Epsilon is the letter E, Sigma is the letter S, and Omega is the letter O. From now on, as I explain these Sections, we will call them Section A, or Section S, instead of their Greek pronunciations. Later, you shall learn why the Greek Alphabet is named after the sections of our Universe.
The order of these sections is as listed above. Also, every one of these sections have equal diameters, volume, and area, down to the last nanometer. This is how the Sections work.

















Understand that Section A is not bigger in size than, say, Section B. It is impossible to draw a scaled diagram of the universe. I will now explain why.












This diagram roughly describes what happens when you travel from one Section to another. Say you’re at the end of Section O; you would have to “rip” open the space wall of Section O to get to Section S. You may think that S is just a huge circle surrounding O, and you’re partly right. But remember: Partly cloudy is not entirely cloudy. When you travel Section S, you’re going to have to travel by spaceship. Remember, you’re in space! Let’s use another diagram. If you are the red smiley face, and you go the direction of the red arrow, you will go back into O. However, if you curve into the direction of the green arrow, the special gravity, which translated into Earth, is Cuadnage Gravity, you will eventually end smack dab in the center of S. Cuadnage Gravity causes any object to gradually sink or move toward the middle; S does have a middle. This theory is similar to the relationship between light and gravity. In order to circumnavigate S, you must first go in the direction of the blue arrow, but not too much, or else you’ll rip into Section E. You have to ride along the perimeter the entire time, since the Cuadnage Gravity is still pulling you in, bit by bit. If you ride along the perimeter, you should stay there for the whole of your circumnavigation.
















This brings us to our next question. If Section A is the last section of the universe, then what’s outside Section A? Well, remember when I said that the Universe is not infinite? That is not entirely true. The Universe is a repeating, infinite paradox. Outside Section A is Section O, then so on and so on. This diagram should help:
























Do you see now? Section O is actually the outer layer of Section A! Then comes Section S, Section E, and Section A again. That is why the Universe is infinite, but not in the way you think. Look at it like this. Numbers [One of the only infinite things in the Universe] are infinite, but imagine if they followed the rules of the four different Sections, which is called Palmer’s Theory of Indigestion. Indigestion may be a confusing word choice, but we’ll explain that later. Anyway, imagine numbers followed Palmer’s theory. Imagine that the only numbers were one, two, three, and four. These numbers would repeat over and over again. The number order would go: 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4…. and so on. But how exactly does this work? One can’t be in infinite amounts of places at the same time! This leads us to another theory, also by David Palmer. And just a short interlude on David Palmer, he is not the imaginary character from 24, but a philosopher/ astronomer/ scientist. He was born in 64 A.D. Earth time, on the planet of Webster in Section Sigma. Palmer is the equivalent of Stephen Hawking, except over 100 times smarter than him.
So, how can a section, like Section O, be in an infinite amount of places in an infinite amount of time? Diving further into the theory of Indigestion, Palmer states this in Earth language: “In the Universe, that which you cannot see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, is not there.” Remember that quote. Also remember that Palmer was a man of few words, but a great philosopher nonetheless. Once you rip the outer space wall of Section A, you are back in Section O. Section O is the same size as the original Section O; because of the second effect of the Cuadnage Gravity Theory. It has the same people, planets, stars, anything that appears in Section O, the original, will appear in Section O, the fake. Except, this Section O is your own Section. It is your alternate Universe. Everything you see there is real, but also not real. Let’s say you find your friend Tommy, in Section A. Tommy travels back to Section E, then Section S, and then Section O. You rip the outer wall of Section A, and land in Section O, finding Tommy there, even though Tommy is in the original Section O. This is another part of Palmer’s Indigestion Theory, and part of the quote I told you to remember: “In the Universe, that which you cannot see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, is not there.” Because Tommy is real, it’s just that you’re seeing a completely identical version of him. The other part of the Indigestion Theory states that the Universe has a mind of itself. That if Tommy is in the original Section O, and you travel to a fake one, [and yes you can rip the outer wall of Section A, the fake, and rip the outer wall of Section A, the double fake, and so on] then the Universe creates a duplicate of Tommy and so on and so on. If you try to take any duplicate of Tommy, and bring him back to meet the original Tommy, what will happen is the second before the Tommies see, hear, smell, taste, or touch each other, the duplicate Tommy will disappear. Why is this? How can this happen? Like I said, the Universe has a mind of its own, it will automatically dissipate the duplicate Tommy. On another random interlude, how can you trust the quote: “In the Universe, that which you cannot see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, is not there” and believe in life elsewhere if the quote tells you what you cannot see is not there? Well, the answer is simple. If you are on Earth, and do not believe in life elsewhere, then how would you have seen this quote? Palmer lives on Webster, a completely different planet. So, anyway, if you are born in Section Omega, then chances are, if your parents like to travel a lot, chances are, that is not the real Omega, everything around you would be exactly like Omega, it is just not the original.


More Concepts of the Universe

Now that the diagrams are all finished, we shall refer to sections as Omega, or Sigma. But we won’t be starting with either of those. We shall start with Epsilon, the most mysterious section of the four.
Epsilon has over four planets. It has five planets to be exact. But we won’t go into too much detail about that that will be reserved for later sections. Of the five planets, one is over 2,000 times the size of Jupiter. This planet is the planet of Lax. Lax has only one main inhabitant: Earth Monkeys. Are you familiar with the theory that if you put infinite amount of monkeys on infinite typewriters, they could type out the entire works of Shakespeare? The Earth Monkeys on Lax do almost exactly that. There is not an infinite amount, but precisely 100 Trillion monkeys typing away on a typewriter. They are fed through an IV tube, get only nine hours of sleep each day, and injected with a special chemical that tells their brain that their life is exciting, eventful, and full of action. Pretty sad, huh? We found another way of unjustly using animals. Anyway, we need these monkeys for one purpose only—to supply us with ideas. Mr. Darius Rod Jenkins found this idea. The monkeys would type and type, and the words would be fed through an Enumato filter. Enumato is what humans know as brainwaves. It is how people think, or rather, how ideas are generated. When an Enumato hits any person’s brain, it goes into their brain cells and thus, the person has an idea! So every almost every idea created on Earth is fueled by enumato. The words a monkey types is fed through an Enumato filter, which reads the words and converts it into enumato. Enumato is then sent faster than the speed of light throughout only the original sections of the Universe. Some other planets do not need enumato, since they have a different type of brain. But Earth does, and every idea on Earth is has been controlled by a bunch of monkeys typing away over 100 light years away. Star Wars—An enumato caught George Lucas while he was in the shower one day. Douglas Adams—While he was taking a walk, an enumato hit him in his 42nd brain cell. Even the names of our children are all fueled by enumato. We don't just happen to think of a name for the newborn baby, enumatos give the name to us. The structure of an enumato goes something like this:














Now, the enumato collects its information in the eye, or what you see as the red part. It penetrates the brain, and the yellow tail attaches to the brain cells, feeding it information. Then the blue tail converts the information into a language the user can understand. Since the eye can only hold so much information, many enumato have to attach for an idea to form. In fact, you probably have 1,000 attached to your brain cells at this very moment. Now, you should have a pretty good understanding on why things are called what they are called. This is how it goes

Monkey types idea—Enumato conversion
Enumato travels at the speed of light—Some reach Earth, some reach other planets
Enumato flies into the atmosphere—Penetrates the brain
Enumato fuels brain cells—we get ideas

Many of today’s ideas came from enumato. They are one of the Universe’s most helpful little creatures. Some ideas are actually generated by our own brain cells. Other ideas are based off of other Enumato generated ideas. Some Enumato generated Earth ideas are:

-The Greek Alphabet, also part of the names of the four sections of the Universe. This Enumato was created twice, since there are two places where you find the Greek Alphabet.

-The order of numbers, which brings up an interesting point. Palmer had many other quotes. Among them was: “Things only seem in the right order because we put them there.” This means that 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…only sounds right because we use it as a standard order of numbers. We are the ones who put 1 first, 2, second, 3 third, and so on. If we put 5 first, 1 second, 2 third, 8 fourth, and so on, it would sound like those numbers are in the right order because we put them there. Think about it, if everyday, you recited the order of numbers as something ridiculous like: 2, 3, 4, 7, 1, 0, 6, 9, and 8, every day, and the people around you as well, would it eventually sound correct?

-Our government system
-The Alternative music genre
-Sex Ed in schools
-Star Trek and Star Wars
-Dictionaries
-The shape of a compact disc
-The word “dogmatic”
-Racism
-This book you’re reading
-The Shining [No, Stephen King is not crazy, by the theory of probability, Stephen King coincidentally received millions of horror enumato]
-Pancakes
-Low-Riding Jeans
-Tube Tops
-Speedos
-Trojan condoms
-The Trojan Horse
-Galoshes
-The Franklin Stove
-Electricity
-The Light Bulb
-Pimps and Prostitutes
-Pyramids
-Stonehenge
-Satellites
-Super Glue
-Lighters, matches, and fireworks
-The oboe
-Falafels
-Fonzie
-The Brady Bunch
-Dinosaurs
-And much more…
So just remember one thing about enumerations: The names and terms of many different things in the Universe can be the same name or term as things in the Earth language. They just won’t mean the same thing.

Some Things You Should Know

-Earth is a very primitive planet [Huh? REALLY? (Sarcasm)], most other planets in the Universe do not have animals, or beasts. Their animals have evolved into animals that can learn the language, and eventually commute with the intelligent species. On Earth, no species is able to completely converse with the other species.

-Although there are 24 hours in an Earth day, remember that is not true for others. Other planets do not have our sun, nor our exact Solar System. They may have more or less hours in a day than Earthlings do.

-The strongest bomb in the current Universe is the GK-384 Antimatter bomb. You make the shell casing however big you want, and store antimatter inside of it. Then, you release the vacuum stopper, and matter air comes flowing in, causing a big explosion. Then, a special chemical called Clapel 50 is injected into the shell casing. The Clapel 50 is actually not annihilated. Instead, when almost everything around it is annihilated, Clapel 50 sucks in all available energy within a 5-second light speed radius. If Clapel 50 collects enough energy, then it will explode itself from. The reason it explodes is like air in a balloon. It will fill the balloon so much that it cannot handle it anymore, and explode abruptly. The energy Clapel 50 collects is stored in the liquid chemical itself. Winmont Hershey, a resident of the Planet Snickers, located in our own Milky Way, discovered Clapel 50.

We shall start with Section Alpha, which is the capital of the Universe. Capital Section, if you will. Section Alpha has over 150 million planets. I will only explain ten of these 150 million; otherwise, my book would last over 150 million pages long. These ten planets are as follows:

1. Shen-Gu
2. Langue
3. Zolaar
4. Zylon
5. Bongor
6. Caiman
7. Cohn
8. Trachea
9. Austin
10. Julio

Zolaar is the Capital planet of the Universe. Almost every speaking creature knows of this planet. The reason it is the capital is because Zolaar is one of the biggest planets around. It is much like Earth, with blue oceans and lush, green lands. Zolaar is like a constant United Nations meeting, every significant important planet, and Earth meet at Zolaar. You know how President Bush was on vacation for a great deal of his presidency? He wasn’t actually in Texas, vacationing. The great planet of Kanor, creators of the physical molecular reproduction machine [cloning machine] cloned Bush, and sent the clone to act like he was in Texas, vacationing. That was also the reason why Bush didn’t have a clue what to do after 9/11. He wasn’t the real Bush! Bush spent his time in an intergalactic [Oh yes, even though we have sections of Universe now, galaxies still exist] spaceship traveling to the planet Zolaar, preparing for a UU meeting: United Universe. Bush came back to Earth just in time for the ending of 9/11’s five-year moratorium. Anyway, Zolaar has two continents, count them, two: Panagua and Solaar, plus a shitload of countries. The UU meetings are held in a huge hotel. This hotel is in the great Zolaarian city of Gammek, and is the size of New York. The time taken building the hotel took 1/100th of the time it took to build the Great Wall of China [also thought up by enumato]. There is a huge meeting room, the size of Vatican City, where all the important planet leaders meet. Earth decided to send the American, Russian, Chinese, and German leaders to Zolaar.
At UU meetings, the leaders of the planets talk about Peaceful relations within their own galaxies, within their own sections, etc… Everybody also talks about the value of the common currencies; compare censuses, resources, and record history
And all information into interuniversal databases, things like that. Again, a UU meeting is basically the same thing as a UN meeting on Earth, except it’s usually held in Zolaar, and it’s for the entire universe.


Facts about Zolaar:

Population: 700 Billion
Common Currency: Kuwat
Language: Komatosian
Residents: Zolaarian, Bongorian, Languian, Cohnian, and Tracheanian
Vacationing/Tourism Spots:

The Great Lakes of Milan—There are 3 seas in total: Milan One, Milan Two, and Milan Three. Creative and original, huh? They are named after Milan because apparently, a traveler named Milan was walking and passed three lakes. He sketched these lakes onto a piece of paper [Paper in Section Alpha is made from clouds. Pilots fly Alphacanian (pertaining to Section Alpha) planes, and collect cloud. The clouds are compressed and pressured into paper] and asked around for the name of these lakes. Nobody knew anything about it, so he just named it after himself. Anyway, every day, at approximately 4 hours into the day [Zolaarian time is different than Earth time, so we cannot say: At 8 ‘o clock, or, at 4 ‘o clock], giant Belukans, [The equivalent of a whale/shark] jump out of the water, dancing their famous Belukanian Ritual Dance. Every day, The Belukans admit a new Beluakn as their leader. They must do a ritual dance to declare and prove worthy their leader. This is a spectacular sight, because if the appointed Belukan does not pass the ritual, the other Belukans pull out their stomach horns [13-foot horns attached to the end of their stomach] and stab the unsuccessful Belukan to death. This event takes place in the great city of Springfield, in Solaar.

The Rolling Rocks of Gammeg—named after Protakin’s son, Gammeg. Protakin and his wife had been trying to conceive a child for many years and finally got one, whom they named Gammeg. Protakin was so pleased that he named his magical rocks [Magical rocks are popular in Zolaar, and only Protakin knows how to make them. Magical rocks can transform into the one thing in your mind that you desire the most. It turns back into normal rocks after a while. If many people are standing around one magical rock, then magical rock will split up and transform into each person’s desires. Protakin was so overjoyed with his son, that he took him mountain climbing everyday. One unfortunate afternoon, Protakin was putting a type of Zolaarian moisturizer on his hands right before climbing onto the peak of the mountain. He grasped one rock, stepped onto a rock, and then his hands slipped from the moisturizer. He fell 5,000 feet to his doom. Unfortunately for Protakin, the hungry Belukans were waiting for him. They ate him whole, and when young Gammeg climbed down the mountain, the only remnants of his dead father were his magical stones. Today, those stones are in a museum, located in the city of Aupes, in Panagua.

Recreation—The sport of Killusive is the most popular sport in Zolaar. There are six players on a team, and there are two teams in all. The object of the game is to find the Cherishee Cup. The cup is buried deep down in a Killusive gaming field. Three players dig, while the other three are allowed to say anything, do anything at all to the opposing team’s diggers. However, they are not allowed to physically touch or cause anything to physically touch them, or kick away any materials they need to dig. That means no hitting them, no throwing things at them, and no kicking the shovel, but they can taunt them and make fun of them. If a two people start fighting, the officials of the game will wait 2 minutes for them to stop, then bring in the assault robots.

Reproduction—The average couple has 4.6 children on Zolaar. The reproduction method of Zolaar is not sex. It is a very different method. Zolaarian children are created when a themus, [sperm] accumulates in the thoktac gland [or the equivalent of a gland] of a female’s mouth. The Zolaarian men meditate for three days for no food or drink, until themus grows onto the tip of their fingers. Then, they reach down into their spouse’s mouth, located the thoktac gland, and rub their fingers all over it, thus inserting themus into the thoktac gland. Now, if themus goes in from the mouth, then it comes out from the…mouth! That’s right! Not the anus, but the mouth. This should take three weeks after the child is conceived.

Religion—The people of Zolaar have two main religions. One is called Compactionism. Many Zolaarians believe that there are two sides of a person in Zolaar: Good and Bad. The goal of Compactionism is to find the exact balance of good and bad. Compactionism is a monotheist religion. The God Campion is the guiding light of your conquest to find your inner balance. Campion has also created the Universe, with Zolaar as the most important planet.

The other type of religion goes by the name of Sputnikism. People who believe in Sputnikism are called Sputniks. The goal of Sputnikism is actually rather unorthodox. But then again, what religion do you define as orthodox? The main goal of Sputnikism is to make every person in the entire Universe a Sputnik by [and this is a very big by] denouncing every other known religion in the Universe. That’s it. There is absolutely no other point. Sputnikism is also a monotheist religion; their one God goes by the name of Osira. A lady God! I bet you weren’t expecting that. Well, Sputnikism is a religion that extols women; thus, a female God.

Fun Facts

-In Zolaar, one out of 700 people are born with a rare disease called Calamaila. Calamaila is a disease that targets their tymid glands [their hair glands] with Teguina Galacka. Teguina Galacka is a substance that makes Zolaarians temporarily lose their hair, then re-grow their hair within a week or two.

-Five million Zolaarians have choked to death on their food.
-The male organs that are affected by some sort of sexuality are: the ear, the hands, the right nipple, and the clistory [a tentacle of some sort, growing out the back of their neck, usually for fixing the hair on the back on their head].
-Females do not have sexually aroused organs, but when they are aroused, their brain tells them so, and the feeling is ten times stronger than that of a male’s. In short: Female Zolaarians get hornier than the males.
-The Zolaarians chew gum, made from the fat of the Belukan. It can last for over an Earth year.
-The Zolaarians have a 150 Earth year life expectancy.

This is a picture of the clistory:



This is a picture of the clistory. It is a purplish color, with blue polka dots. When Zolaarian children are born, the doctors pull on the clistory to get them out.