A piece of a piece

Where Did My Children Go?

 
 
          Waking up laying on the floor, unsure of where I was or even why I was there. I had the phone against my ear but there wasn’t a dial tone and when I said, “Hello”, no one answered me. Why was I holding the phone and why don’t I remember what I was doing on the floor?
 
         Sitting up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I looked around the room. It was my bedroom. The light was on and it was dark outside the window. What time was it? I looked at my watch, a purple cloth watch with a Velcro band because I am allergic to metal. It read 4:00. It had to be AM but I looked out the window above my bed to be sure. It was dark outside. The computer on the desk beside my bed was still on; it wasn’t connected to the internet anymore.
 
         I had to be talking to someone. Who was it though. Lately my days and nights had been running into each other and sometimes it was hard to tell reality from my internet world. Sometimes I would wake up from a dream and swear that I had been chatting with someone and would wonder where they had gone. Now I had a phone in my hand, there had to be someone there.
 
         “Hello, HELLO!” No one answered. I hung up the phone and then picked it back up, there was a dial tone now.
 
         I stared at the computer several minutes; it was too late to go back on the internet and find out who it had been. I’d have to wait till tonight. I got up, went and freshened up and got my night clothes on. Looking in the mirror, jet black eyes looked back at me, big black circles were under them, long auburn hair hung limp against my face, wrinkles were forming around my eyes and mouth. I was starting to look old. When did this happen? I was too young yet to start looking old, not even forty yet. That wouldn’t happen for a couple of years yet. But perhaps that was what this feeling of desperation was all about.
 
         I’d been single for four years now, hadn’t even dated. The kids were teenagers and it was hard enough dealing with them without having to deal with a relationship and them. William, or Bill as he liked being called now, was eighteen and he’d be going off to work soon. He had been offered a job in another state, a pretty good one too. I hated to say it but I was looking forward to it. Bill had been so hateful lately, feeling like he had the world by the tail; that he didn’t have to help any more or even be civil. This was not the boy I had raised and loved all these years. He use to be so helpful and caring, where was that boy now?
 
         Mary wasn’t much better. She was just going off for the summer. She also had a job. She’d be traveling all over the country. At sixteen, I wasn’t sure that she needed to be going off by herself like that, but when I even suggested that she shouldn’t; all I got was how I was trying to keep her from the greatest opportunity in the world.
 
         Well, at least Linda and I would get to spend some time together this summer. Maybe. Only thirteen, and she was already wrapped up with the thoughts of boys. That was all she talked about anymore, or her friends that she wanted to spend all of her time with. Her poor horse sat in her stall ignored more than anything. Sure Linda would go and feed her and the other three horses. But that was it. Use to, she would’ve been riding her all day long. Or down at the creek fishing. She use to love fishing. I can’t hardly even get her to play a Nintendo game with me anymore. Forget about a decent conversation.
 
         This was a bad move. I wanted a place out in the country, where the kids wouldn’t have so many influences from the big city. All I hear though is how bored they are and how I never take them any place. I feel like pulling my hair out. Having the family close by hasn’t helped either. Well, they aren’t that close, but twenty miles doesn’t seem to stop them from wanting to poke their noses into my affairs. Aunt Connie is always offering to take Mary and or Linda into town to her house for the weekend. It wouldn’t be so bad, except Connie is in her twenties and she lives by the lake. Mary and Linda love to go with her and I know she lets them spend time at the lake with the other kids there. That is just asking for trouble. But if I say no, it is a battle from Hell!
 
         Where did I go wrong? How can I fix it. I think I’ll just go to bed and worry about it tomorrow.
 
         Oh, it was so nice to have someone with me, I cuddled up to his soft warm back, his cologne surrounding me. He turns around and holds me in his strong reassuring arms, kissing my lips softly, tenderly. Kissing him in return, my arms slide around his waist.
 
         “Mom! Mary is hitting me!”
 
         “I am not, she won’t give my shirt back!”
 
         I look at the pillow that I am holding. I know that I was kissing someone. Where did he go? Slipping out of bed, putting on my robe and slippers, I open the door. “Girls, please get along, and get ready for school. The bus will be here soon. Have you eaten yet?”
 
         I walked sleepily into the living room. It is a shambles, sofa cushions everywhere, and bowls of food on the coffee table. Oh, I hate my life. I walk into the kitchen, and reach for the coffee pot to fill it at the sink. Dishes so deep that I couldn’t even put the pot in it. Then I empty the coffee filter in the trash can, it too is so full I have to push the trash down so the filter didn’t fall out. The brewing coffee smells so good. Sitting down at the kitchen table, moving papers and books aside so I will have a place to put my cup when the coffee is ready.
 
         Mary walks into the kitchen and she looks at me, like she wants to say something, but then doesn’t. She walks back out. “Mom, I’ll be home late, I am going to stop at Shirley’s house.”
 
         “Mary, come back in here and tell me that again”.
 
         She walks back into the kitchen and stands in front of me. She’s looking at me like she is expecting a fight. “I’m going to stop at Shirley’s house before coming home”.
 
         “How are you going to get home then?”
 
         “Her mom will bring me home.”
 
         “At what time?”
 
         “I don’t know, when she gets ready to, I guess.”
 
         “You know that isn’t going to work, I’ll have to come get you and that is a long way to drive.”
 
         “Oh Mom, I don’t ever get to spend time with my friends. Why don’t you do like other Mom’s?”
 
         “What do other Mom’s do?”
 
         “They take their kids places and let them do things.”
 
         “Mary, we live outside of town. Those other Mom’s live right next door or at the most a couple of blocks away. It isn’t the same thing.”
 
         Mary‘s eyes fill with tears, “Please Mom, I am so bored here.”
 
         I can’t stand to fight with her and she looks so pathetic. “Alright, but make sure you get her to get you home by 6:00.” I know that doesn’t sound right, I should give Shirley’s mom a call to make sure it is alright. But I don’t know Shirley’s Mom. I don’t even know Shirley. Why am I like this. I am scared to death of people. I am so afraid of people I can’t even call someone’s Mom to make sure that my daughter is where she is suppose to be. I am such a bad parent.
 
         “The bus will be here soon, you’d better hurry up.”
 
         Mary gives me a smile and a hug. “Thanks Mom.”
 
         I follow her out to the living room. Standing there like she is so innocent. “What is that you are wearing Linda?”
 
         “It is some of Mary’s clothes that she let me borrow. Aren’t they great!”
 
         “Linda, go change your shirt, that one is too tight. Put one of your shirts on.”
 
         “My shirts are baby shirts! I need new clothes Mom!”
 
         Sternly I said, “Linda, please go change your shirt.”
 
         A horn blows outside. Linda runs to the front door, “I can’t Mom, the bus is here.”
 
         Mary hurries out the door behind her and Bill runs from his room, slamming the door behind him smelling strongly of cologne.
 
         Each one yells, Bye Mom, see you later. The door closes and it is deathly quiet.
 
         Where are my children? The children that use to help plant a garden, play with the dog, that I use to chase through the house and they’d shout with laughter. Where did they go to? When did they stop being children and turn into teenagers? I sit down on the floor, my hands covering my eyes, and the tears start flowing. I can’t stop them. I sit there and cry until I have no more tears, my eyes are swollen and I feel like I am all used up inside.
 
         I dried my tears, and went to the bathroom. I get a wash cloth, turn the faucet on cold. I hold the rag there a while, letting the cold water run over my hand. Finally I squeeze it out and hold it to my hot swollen face. It feels so good. The rag becomes warm and I hold it back under the water. Again holding it my face. Slowly my face starts cooling down. I take the rag from my face and look in the mirror. Who are you? I ask the image. Why do you let yourself get so upset? Life isn’t that bad. The image in the mirror begins to crumple up and I watch as it starts crying again. I hear myself yelling, Yes it is!
 
         I stayed in the bathroom for what seems like ages. Finally, I calmed myself down, cooled my face and walked out to the quiet house again.
 
         Slowly walking to the kitchen, picking up a cup and filling it with coffee. One teaspoon of sugar and one of creamer. Stirring until it is creamy looking, then sitting at the kitchen table. Staring at the sink full of dishes. I take a mouthful of coffee, it is cold. I look at it, look at the coffee pot. The light on the coffee maker is on, the coffee is a rich dark color. I look back at my cup. I take another sip. It is still cold.
 
         I take the cup and put it in the microwave. The ding of the microwave brings me back again and I take the cup out. It is hot now. Sitting back down at the table, taking a sip of hot coffee and letting out a deep breath.
 
         I wonder if anyone is on the game? I wonder back to my room and sit in front of the computer. I type in my password and listen to the dial tone, the computer noises and then the computer on the other end answers.
 
I type in the address for the game and then see the scene unfold in front of me. It is all in words, but it is real to me.
 
         LvlyKes, you’re on early today. Charlie greets me as I appear in the game.
 
         The house was too quiet, I had to get away. You’re on early too.
 
         I have to promote to Captain today. I want to get my own planet soon. I am bored with just being a pilot. What happened to you last night?
 
         What do you mean?
 
         Well, we were talking and then you stopped. I hung up the phone and tried to call you back but it was busy. I was worried something happened.
 
         Sorry about that Charlie, but I guess I fell asleep. I feel really foolish now!
 
         Next time tell me you are tired and we’ll hang up. I worried all night about you.
 
         I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I smiled at the computer screen, it was nice that someone cared, even if I hadn’t ever seen him in person.
 
         Well, I have to finish this test. I’ll talk to you later. We’ll get to spend time on my planet, it will be a lot more private. I have some great ideas for it.
 
         O.K. Charlie. Maybe I’ll get me a planet too. That seems like fun.
 
         You just have to get through the tests.
 
         What kind of tests are they? Are they really hard?
 
         Well, they aren’t real easy or else everyone could do it. You have to fight your ship through some asteroids and then some enemy ships. You have to buy a really tough ship, lots of shields and some great big guns.
 
         I don’t know. I’ll see how you do it and then I might try.
 
         O.K. See you later Kes.
 
         Alright, Charlie, and good luck.
 
         I didn’t see anyone else that I knew on the game and Charlie would be busy for a while, so I turned off the game. The screen stared back at me blankly. What do I do now? I could go clean the kitchen. I have laundry to do too. Maybe I’ll take a walk outside, that might pick up my spirits. I looked over at the bed. I crawled in between the covers and laid my head on the pillow. I’ll just rest my eyes for a minute. Soon I was fast asleep.
 
         “Hey, Mom! Where are you?”
 
         I woke with a start. I looked around the room and listened again. Maybe I just imagined it.
 
         “Mom!”
 
         No, there was Linda. She was home already. Bill wouldn’t be home until after football practice and Mary said she wouldn’t be home until late.
         “I’m in here!”
 
         Linda stood in the doorway. “You sleeping? You know if you’d stay off that computer at night you wouldn’t be so tired.” She said, matter of factly, and walked out.
 
         Yes, Linda, you are right. Since when did you start thinking you know better than me? I thought as I stood up and got dressed. This time I walked into the living room wearing a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt.
 
         The dishes still weren’t washed, the laundry still sat in the corner by the washing machine, and Linda stood in the door of the fridge looking for something to eat.
 
         “We need to buy some groceries.”
 
         I couldn’t wait until the kids were in bed and I could go back on the computer. I walked over to the sink and started stacking dishes. I just needed to rinse them. The dishwasher was full of dishes too.
 
         “Linda, empty the dishwasher, and I’ll put these in.”
 
         “What do you want for dinner? It looks like it will just be you and me for a while.”
 
Depression