i'm not ok

in my space
a shadow in the form
having the form of
the soul spirit formerly known
as me
shadow created by
dark and light
but light indirect
pantomiming life
“what’ve you been up to?”
grieving I suppose
the boom lowered when I
realized that my prearranged
hiding place
nonexistent
nonexistent
gloom dark sullen
bad bad bad
negative negativity
iris aperture a high as
i’d like to be offa something
still no light to be had
no high to soar on
no solace in sleep unconscious
just awake
freshly agitated
aggravated
empty empty empty
nothing fill me
no one fill me
feel me?
no smiles
no laughs
concern has taken residence
on my brow
my space
no energy to be to do
handicapped
disabled by the
cloud bear hug
that’s appeared from behind
unexpected
not forgiving like the sleeper hold
but I move
somehow somewhere
i was doing something
there were moments light
forgotten gaiety
brevity of the heavy woolen load
in this Atlanta summer
stifling
stuck with phantom limb syndrome
my arm and leg gone
but a pain so acute
they must still be there
eyes don’t deceive
in so many ways
eyes don’t deceive
i look and the limbs
are gone
i fake sleep and stir awake
and the limbs
are gone
eyes never dry
hurt never quieted
pop pills
get back in the machine
no
let me be
give me time
give me back
that which I have lost
that irreplaceable
i don‘t want
to breathe
anymore
cancer cancer cancer
c is for cancer
flowers are for graves
and I cry alone
i don’t want mamas’ car
i want my mama
don’t want my sisters’ things
i want her laughter
her jokes
i want her
seriousness care concern
unsolicited advice
worries of being a good mother
heavy heavy heavy
it’ll be ok
it’s going to be alright
you’re strong
they’re better off
insult and injury
should never dance together
i want the gaping
pain entrenched hole filled up
i need loving
i’m not ok you bastard