Letter to my Lost Soul

Where have you gone? You left me here all alone without even an explaination. I'm angry. I miss you so much. I'm lonely. I can be in a room teeming with life and I'm still alone. Without you I don't even know who I am.

Lonliness consumes me totally. It opens its gaping mouth and devours me daily, just to spit me out and do it all over again tomorrow. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore, but I will without you with me. You left and that was my undoing.

You were always so strong. Never flinched when in an intense situation. You actually looked for them. What happened to make you run away? Are you gone forever? What are you hiding from? Why did you leave me here? I would have come with you. All you had to do is tell me what was going on and I'd have been right there.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if you left? Let me tell you. I fell apart. I can't make it on my own. I need you to come home to make me whole again. I'm tired of this bullshit half life you left me in. I need you. You were my strength and courage. You were my drive and desire. Without you I am nothing but an empty shell that goes through the motions everyday.

I'm confussed. What was so bad that it made you fold up tents and hit the road? Was it something I did? Was it something YOU did? If it was that thing, then you're not as bad assed as I thought you were. You did MUCH worse before and never even blinked. Were you afraid that you were ruining things with your nature?

Taking your nature from me is what's ruining everything. Please comehome and fix the damage. I need you now more then ever and you're no where to be found! Stop being such a chickenshit! Everyday is harder and harder without you. Your strength is needed here. You are missed. My life is nothing without you to make me whole again.

I'm dying inside without you. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's insane! You have always been the soul that makes this body worth living in. What good is my bleeding heart without your steel? I can't do it alone anymore!

Your past, my past, they mean nothing. It's over and done with. But our future...Now that's something else. I can't do anything without you. Every time I try, the lonliness and emptiness consumes me and I give in. Did you leave to teach me something? What is the lesson? That I can't make it on my own or to make me learn to be like you? I can't. I've tried. And look at the mess I['ve made of it all. I have had happiness standing right in front of me, holding my hand and trying to drag me along with it, and all I do is let go and run away.

I don't know how to be happy. THAT was YOUR job! Mine was to be inspiration. The one who dreamed. I can't dream anymore. I needed you to make them happen. Without you they're just pointless wastes of time.

I don't have your guts. You would laugh in the face of the things and ideas that I find so terrifying. You would stand tall and walk right through the fire that I run away from screaming. Can't you see what a mess I've made of things on my own?

Are you even still alive? Did you die and forget to tell me to come with you? Can anyone tell me what has happened? My nerves are raw. I don't know how much longer I can do this alone. What made you recoil and disappear? Is it forever? Or is it only until I get all the way to the bottom with no chance to get back out that you'll return? Too little too late.

I am so sad and angry with you. You're somewhere and I'm alone. What are you doing? Can you still see me or are you closed up somewhere, blind to what's going on? Are you waiting for me to find your happiness? Well, damnit, I have! But unless you come home, I can't give it to you! It needs you to pick it up and run with it no matter the cost. I worry too much to be happy. I think too much about other people and their needs, and too little about myself.

You need to come home to balance it out because I can't. I've tried so many times and I fold every damn time. I worry about things that I don't need to, but that was always MY job. You were the carefree spirit that I had to ground, and you handed it all over to me without even asking if I could do it. WHY? I hate you for that.

There are people around me that I love so deeply it hurts. I can't be alone anymore and they deserve to know the one that makes me ME. If you come home I'll still be here. Don't worry about that. I can't leave because I'm too attached that I won't put an end to this lonliness. There's only one word to describe how I feel all of the time now. Despair.

Despair kills, you know. It wounds and it maimes and doesn't let go. You were always the fighter and I was the lover. Is that what happened? Did you decide not to be the fighter anymore? How dare you force me into it?!

You know, the death I felt for you was horrible, but it's over now. It still hurts, but not the same way. I need you to come home to help end the rest of this pain and guilt. I can't do it alone damnit