I SHUT THE DOOR TWICE

CHAPTER 1

‘And presenting to you ladies and gentlemen, The Most Outstanding Student of Harvard Law School for the year of 2006…..Miss Isabelle Gordon….’

That moment was magical….I felt like I was being lifted up and was floating in the air…After all these years, after all those suffering, after much crying…I finally made it….I finally made it….Isabelle Gordon…The Most Outstanding Student…Of all people, Isabelle Gordon won the most coveted price in the law faculty….

Step by step, I walked up to the stage. Once I stood up that stage, I looked at the crowd. I looked at them not merely because I wanted to see those people who cheered for me neither do I want to see those who clapped thunderously for me. Their faces were like a blur vision to me. I couldn’t care less.

I looked because I wanted to find the most important person of my life.
My eyes searched frantically for him… ‘Where is he?’ I wondered.

I wanted to tell him that I’ve made it, I wanted to tell him that he was right in believing me. I wanted to tell him he is the first person whom I would like to share this magical moment with….

And then I saw him. He was clapping the hardest he could. I could see it from his eyes that he was the proudest of me…He was my biggest supporter…And looking at him, I saw a frail looking man with a grey balding head…Wrinkles underlined his pale face…Lines of aging and of wisdom…But most importantly lines which were caused by the hardship just for sending me here and providing for his family…My heart winced as I looked at him more intently…

I knew that he was in a lot of pain…Those hard works made his legs and hands weak…and the winter wind which was beating cruelly outside just made it all the harder for him..

But he refused to show everyone that…Despite the pain, my Dad stood straight and tall. He had the warmest smile on his face only to show that he was the proudest father in the entire world…

How I wish I could erase off the lines from his face…I wanted so much to touch his face and soothe it…I wanted to let him know that I love him…You’re the only one that I love Dad. You are my only one…


CHAPTER 2

It was after the prize giving ceremony… I was surrounded by so many people I found it hard to even breathe…My friends, my lecturers, my aunties and cousins were all there waiting in line to congratulate me….I shook their hands, accepted their embraces and smiled. But strangely all the while I failed to listen to them…
‘You’re the best Belle…We knew since day one you could do it…’

I was deafened by the need to hear only from him…His words would be the only one that’s really mattered to me… Finally I heard him…

‘Congratulations Isabelle. I’m so proud of you….’

I pushed past the crowds that’s suffocating me and ran over to hug him. I could feel him hugging me back hard…The two of us were held together in a tight embrace for a long long time…I wish I won’t ever have to let go of this man… I let the tears which I’ve hided all this years run freely…I couldn’t contain my happiness anymore and the only person I wished to share with is my Dad…I love you Dad, I love you….

When I finally let go of him, I stared hard into my father’s eyes…

‘Dad I love you…I love you very much…If it was not for you, I wouldn’t have come so far….Thank you Dad. Thanks for believing in me and everything. Thanks Dad I really mean it….’ I hugged him again….This time harder even….

And slowly he pushed me away….There was a troubled look on his face…I’ve never seen anything like that before except for the times when his kids were sick…But we’re all doing well now. So what is troubling him?!

‘What’s wrong Dad? Is anything wrong?’ He didn’t answer me…He just looked away as though he didn’t hear me…

‘Dad did I hurt you? Are you in pain…’ He still refuses to answer me and continued looking away this time at the ground…

I was confused. Everything was wonderful just a moment ago. He did say he was proud of me. So why did he looked so troubled if he’s happy for me? Just watching him standing there with a solemn face worries me greatly….

‘Isabelle…I actually…’

‘Dad, you’re getting me real worried…What is it that you wanted to tell me….’ I realized after my voice that I was loud at him. But I couldn’t be bothered then. My heart plummeted at the thought of what he’s going to tell me. I prayed to God hoping that it’s not about his illness.

No. Please don’t let it be…This is too soon…I still have not repay him for whatever that he’s done for me...No please Don’t…. Damn it to him…Why does he has to take such a long time…Come on Dad. Answer me!!

‘No Isabelle…its not about me. I’m fine. In fact I’m so so happy to have you as my daughter. You, Calvin and Gabriel are God’s greatest gift to me ever…’

‘Then why do you looked so worried…You scared me you know Dad. I don’t see anything that could worry me if its not bout you …Are you sure you’re alright?’

‘Yes I am…’
He scratched his head trying to say out his words….

‘…Actually Isabelle… there is this one thing that’s been troubling me all this while. I do not know how I’m going to tell you… this but I have to...I guess its’ only fair for you to know the truth…’

‘I’ve kept it away from your knowledge far too long…I didn’t mean it. I guess I was selfish…I don’t know Isabelle, will you forgive me…’

‘Dad, what are you trying to tell me…Don’t keep me waiting…And of course I’ll forgive you for there’s no reason why I can’t forgive a man who had sacrificed so much for me…’

Slowly he passed me a small white envelope.

I took it from him and ripped off the envelope. I can’t wait to see what’s the content since it brought such a frown to my old man’s face….

Inside it was a letter.

To Isabelle my lovely angel…

I couldn’t believe my eyes…Other than my Dad no one else calls me by my full name Isabelle, except for that woman. I quickly looked down at the letter and there it was….My worst nightmare had been confirmed….The letter was signed

Love,
Natalie

Impossible…How could it be her…No why must it be her on this very day…Hasn’t she ruined my life enough already….I wanted to throw the letter away…seeing the name Natalie just upsets my stomach. I felt so disgusted looking at that name…After all this years how dare she has the audacity to write to me….I wanted to rip the paper into half but my Dad stopped me…

Go on read the letter. You must know what’s inside…He said

Slowly and reluctantly I read the letter. I can’t believe what I was reading… My head pounded. I felt so drowsy. No this can’t be true…No way…My Dad would never do such a thing to me. I looked at my Dad desperately pleading with him to give me an explanation. But I get nothing…

‘Dad please tell me this is all a big joke…You can’t do this to me…’

‘No Isabelle…I’m really sorry… but this is the truth..’

At those words of him, my heart smashed to a thousand pieces. The joy of happiness a moment ago was washed away that second. Instead it was being replaced by a feeling of void…An empty hollow feeling…It was excruciating…

‘How could you Dad…You knew where you stand in my heart…Nothing but number one, Dad. So why are you doing this to me….’

‘Isabelle….I…’

I couldn’t hear what he was saying…My body was there but my heart and soul slowly drifted back to the day where everything happened ten years ago….

CHAPTER 3

It was such a beautiful day. The sun shone brightly. After the final bell rang, I grasped my school bag. I was so impatient to get back home… I was half running back from school. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. As I stopped and waited for the traffic lights to turn green, I opened up my bag and carefully took out a small box and held it tight to my chest…

It was my brother, Calvin’s tenth birthday…I can’t wait to reach home. I wanted badly to see Calvin’s face when I give him his present. It was a model of a small wooden boat sitting inside a glass bottle. I spent my whole month’s allowance only for this…I refrained myself from eating in school just to save money to buy this delicate piece for him…

Isabelle, why must you gobble down your food like that? Didn’t you eat in school? Nat had exclaimed…

I could actually feel the growling of my stomach…I was very hungry…But imagine Calvin’s smile when I give him this…It’s all worthwhile…

Calvin would definitely love this I thought and smiled to myself…

I was gasping for air when I finally opened up my house’s door. I knew Nat will surely bake a cake. My Dad would take a day off from work and Gabriel would entertain us with her violin later on in the evening. As for Calvin, he will undoubtedly rush to me asking for his present…

Instead, what I saw was the most terrible scene in my life…Little did I realize that this event is going to cause me my greatest heartache and regret in the future…

Calvin was sitting at the kitchen table with a scared look on his face…Gabriel was crying as she stood beside him cuddling her blue teddy…I could hear that Nat and Dad were arguing. I asked Gabriel what’s wrong…
In between sobs, she managed to say ‘Belle, Mommy and Daddy very loud…Gabriel very scared…’

‘Shushhh…don’t cry. Belle is home already. There here’s a toffee for you..’ Immediately she quieted down and started unwrapping the toffee and sucked it…I looked at Calvin and asked him what had happened. He didn’t answer me and just stared at me blankly…

As I was about to ascend the stairs, Nat came running down with a big bag. She had tears all over her face. She ran past me towards the door.

Mommy where are you going Gabriel had asked…
You not bringing Gabriel and Belle along? Why Mommy? Don’t go…

Gabriel don’t stop your mother. She wanted her freedom. Let her go. She will not be happy in this house…I heard my Dad saying…

Lee, you wanted me out of this house. You made it impossible for me to live with you. Now, I’m going to leave this house for a much better life…It was you Lee who made everybody miserable not me…

Lugging her bag behind her she slammed the door shut.

I don’t remember exactly how I felt on that day. The only thing I remembered was Gabriel running to the window, crying and wailing her arms asking Nat to come back. Dad went up and locked himself in the room for the rest of the day.

If I thought that was the worst, no it’s not. I turned and saw my brother still sitting quietly at the kitchen table. He had not spoken since I first came in to the door. I remembered tears running down my cheeks after looking at Calvin. It was only then that my feelings had sunk in. It was his birthday, supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life but he had none of those. None of those…. Instead he saw his mom and dad quarreled. He saw how his mom left her family. And he was only ten years old then….and he had to endure all this on his tenth b’day. It was only then I realized, my mom had left us….

I remembered too on that night how exceptionally quiet it was. Usually our house will be filled by laughters. But that night, everything was so quiet. My Dad was still in his room. Calvin had went up to his room too. I only had Gabriel by my side. I didn’t know how to react to everything…

Gabriel pulled at my hands telling me that she’s hungry. I opened up the refrigerator only to find that there was nothing in there except for some leftover macaroni from yesterday’s dinner. I heated it up for Gabriel and she ate it. After that, I helped her bath. She was playing with the bubbles when she suddenly asked me,

‘Where is Mommy Belle? I miss her. You don’t know how to help me wash my hair. The soap went in my eyes and it hurts…’

‘So Belle, is Mommy coming home?’

‘Of course Gabriel ! She will come back tomorrow. Nat loves us and she will surely come back…’ I heard myself telling my little sister.

Nodding her head, Gabriel said, ‘Hmmm…Mommy loves Gabriel very much… She will come back…’

When she was finally asleep, I went into my room. I was so confused. So many questions flooded through my mind….I remembered asking God what had happened that causes Nat to leave? I asked Him where is she and is she ever coming back…..Don’t she loves us anymore?

But at the same time too, I heard me reassuring myself that Nat will come back. It’s just a fit of anger against Dad that made her left. I scolded myself for doubting her love for us. How stupid am I? Tomorrow, everything’s going to be alright…

I woke up the next day to some noise in the kitchen. Nat is back! I quickly got up from my bed and went to the kitchen. There was no sign of Nat but only Dad.

‘Good morning Isabelle. In a minute your breakfast would be ready.’

I was so disappointed. Nat hasn’t come back yet…


CHAPTER 4

‘Belle you told me that Mommy is coming back, but where is she?’

‘Tomorrow Gabriel, she’ll be back…’
I had lost count of how many times I had to answer that question.

When Grandma Nancy came over two days later, I asked her why did Nat have to leave?

‘Your mom is not contented with what she has. She wanted a better life. That’s why she left…’ That was all the explanation I ever got...

I remembered looking out at the window every night wishing and hoping that Nat will come home. Every time a car passed by, I never failed to look if it was Nat. And with each passing time, I felt that my hope is slipping away bit by bit. Since Nat left, there was no news about her. And the next time Gabriel asked me the same question, I no longer answered her with the same confidence as I had had before. I am left with uncertainty. I do not even know if I’m that sure anymore. At nights, I could only cry myself to sleep….Other than that, I didn’t know what else can I do?

So, is Nat coming back? I heard myself wondering…

Slowly the days turned into weeks and then months. I waited and waited but there was never a sign that Nat is coming home…

Since Nat went away, I took over the household chores. Of course Grandma Nancy will come over once in a while but she’s already seventy five…What more can she do to help us? Each morning before going to school I had to make breakfast for Gabriel and Calvin. When I come back, I had to mop the floors, clean the dishes, and do the laundry… When I’m done with all these works, I had to do my schoolwork…At times, I was just too tired and fell asleep…The next day, Miss Honey will punish me for not doing my schoolwork…

Belle, how many times had you not finish your homework? You’re getting real naughty…

Though I’m so tired and exhausted, I never complained. Many a times I felt like giving up but whenever I looked at my Dad, I got my strengths again…

I pitied my Dad. Seeing the way he worked makes my heart aches…He was like a mad man…He was our Father as well as our Mother. He had to work, take care of the household chores and take care of his kids…He barely had time for himself. Days after days his health deteriotated as a result of working too hard…But he had not even once complained. He cared to all our needs…He tried to give us a loving family…He tried his best to feel up the empty space that Nat had left…

Days after days, my longing for Nat to come back was slowly being taken over by hatred.

Lee, you wanted me out of this house. You made it impossible for me to live with you. Now, I’m going to leave this house for a much better life…It was you Lee who made everybody miserable not me…

I was not mad at her for the reason she left. I never blamed her for that. It’s not wrong if she wanted a better life. I agreed that my Dad don’t earn much and is quite incapable of providing her the luxurious life she’s always dreamed of…Nat came from a well to do family. She is used to spending wildly but that was before she married Dad. I don’t blame her for wanting a better life for herself…There’s nothing wrong…

But what I hated her most is that, she never once looked back…She just left as though she’s not part of our life. She never even called after the day she left…How could she be so cruel…She was angry with our Dad but not with us…we were her flesh and blood and how could she just leave like that…She had taken away from all of us the love of a Mother…She had deprived Gabriel of a beautiful childhood. While kids of her age were playing with dolls, she had to stay home and help me prepare lunch….

I remembered coming home one day to Gabriel’s frantic screams. A pot was lying on the kitchen floor with its instant noodles content spilling out…It took me a whole minute to comprehend what had happened. Finally I realized Gabriel was scalded all over…She was hungry and since there was no one home, she had decided to cook herself…I called my Dad asking him to come back right that moment…That is one day that I’ll never forget…Gabriel was down with fever after the scalding…She will wake up in the middle of the nights shivering and crying…And throughout the whole ordeal, my Dad watched over her tirelessly…After work, he’ll rushed home to take care of Gabriel…I saw him crying one night while he was wiping Gabriel’s forehead…That was the first time I ever saw my dad cry…I thought that he was the biggest victim…As much as he felt so sad and tired, he still has to keep up a brave upfront for his kids…He can never disappoint them…

From that day onwards, Gabriel had to carry on an ugly mark caused by our Mother's irresponsibility for the rest of her life. Not only that, when Gabriel had her first monthly cycle, she cried because she thought she was having some kind of sickness that is causing her to bleed to her death… My Dad was the one who taught us all about puberty….My Dad was our guardian…he cooked for us, he washed for us and he loves us…He spent all his time for us just to ensure that we will have a beautiful childhood just like every other kid. And where is our Mother when we needed her most…She’s gone…

I had so much hatred in me…I was so overpowered with it that whenever Gabriel mentioned anything about that woman, I’ll snapped at her.

Remember she’s no longer our mother. I’ll tell her…

The family picture which was once standing proudly on my dresser, I shoved it into my drawer. By doing so, I wouldn’t have to see her anymore. Even if its Dad’s fault that made her leave, but all I know is that my Dad picked us up when she didn’t wanted us anymore…My Dad was the one who had gone through all these years together with us…

It was at no fault on our side…It’s all that woman’s fault for not wanting us. She was the one who had given up on us, her family!

I had decided at that moment that all my memories with that woman will be buried forever together with the family picture in my drawer. The day I did that, I had shut the door connecting my heart to my own mother!


CHAPTER 5

‘How could you ever lie to me Dad? You knew how much I hated her…You knew it Dad…’ I couldn’t face my dad. I don’t dare to look at him….It’s like I no longer knew the man who’s standing right in front of me at that moment.

‘I’ve argued with so many people telling them that that woman was wrong and not you. She was the one who had chosen to leave and you were the one who had chosen to stay behind to continue caring for us…’

‘All these years, I loved you most. You were the first person I wanted to share all my glorious moments with…You were the one whom I wish to treat once I get my first salary… You were my greatest hero. I respected you most. I believed in you and I trusted you.’

‘No one else can ever be compared to you. And why must you do this to me Dad…why must you….’

‘I’m sorry Isabelle…I…’

‘No don’t say it…All this while, I made myself think and even forced Gabriel and Calvin to think that it was Nat who had given up on us…She had forgotten all about us. She never made an effort to come back to us after she left. But no…no…today I finally realized, she didn’t ever gave up on us…She had always wanted to come back…’

‘...It’s just that she couldn’t. She’s waiting for us and you didn’t even tell us what’s happening…I’ve always thought that she’s the worst mother for not caring for her kids when they needed her most. Actually, it was us who were not there when she needed us most. I thought she really did give up but no Dad it was you, you who made us think that she had given up on us…’

‘I dunno what else to say to you Isabelle. I can only say that I’m sorry…I guess I’m just selfish…’

Smiling weakly, I answered back saying, ‘No Dad you’re not. You were just the cruelest and the most cold-hearted man I’ve ever known…’

With that I turned and walked away. I didn’t even care to look at the expression on his face. I knew he must be deeply hurt. But my wound is something that will never be healed. My father lied to me, he made us gave up on the woman whom I’ve shut out of my life just when she needed us most. The man whom I’ve loved so much all these years was the one who actually betrayed me… I can never forgive this mistake of his.

And on the ‘happiest’ day of my life, once again I’ve turned my back to someone whom I’ve love so much. I had shut the door to my heart for the second time and this time FOREVER!

~THE END~

To Isabelle my lovely angel ,

I know you may not want to hear from me. After all it was me who chose to leave all of you. The reason why I wrote this letter is to let you know that even though I’ve left you, but I still love you. I am wrong to leave but I just couldn’t stand the hard life. Your father was a good man. He loves me and he loves his family. But that is never enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted things which your father will never be able to give me. I think I’m selfish but if I wanted a better life, I can only choose to leave.

I have always wanted to come back to have a look at you, Gabriel and Calvin. I wanted to give Calvin the present I bought for him. I wanted to say sorry for leaving on his birthday. I wanted to fulfill the duties of a mother. But I can’t Isabelle. I’m too weak. The cancer is eating its way into my body. I think my days were numbered. And before I finally breathe my last breath, I would just want you to know that up till this day, I still love you all. I had chosen to leave your father but I still love you my kids.

I regretted it that I can no longer care for you. Once again, I’m being selfish. But, I hope you will forgive me Isabelle. I love you all very much and to tell the truth I feel scared whenever I think that I’ll no longer be able to see you all again. How I wished that I had stayed on and spent my final few moments with all of you my precious angels. But, I guess it’s all too late. All I can say now is that I love you, Gabriel and Calvin very much. I never intended to leave you all. I’m really sorry Isabelle…I am really sorry!

Love,
Natalie