Ear Wax (complete)

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Part One
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I awoke this morning to find my brain was missing. I don't know where it went, but just to be sure I went to the nearest mirror and looked. Sure enough it was gone. "Can this really be happening" I tried to yell, but it came out "cim shiz ohrallie g nippnin." "Holy crap, did I say that?" came out "hullie cipnit dien vereg." It must be a side effect of not having a brain. I looked again and noticed that my head wasn't completely empty. It still had some yellow wax in it.Interesting. "Imberetnin." Wait, that almost sounded like interesting. Maybe if I watch some TV and see others people talk I can mimic it.
I turned on the smut box to see what was on. Unfortunalty there was a silent film on. I switched it but unfortunatly Gigli was on. So I kept on switching until I found some good shows. After some time of watching TV I was finally able to form comprehensible sentences.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bob Barker.I have my attorney with me, and I am aware that his name does not appear on this list, but we must have a suite.I am the surviver in the twilight zone."
My name wasn't Bob Barker, but this will have to do for now. Now, back to finding my brain. What did I do last night. Maybe my dream will help me remember. In my dream I was walking down the street when all of the sudden it started raining CDs covered uranium. The uranium left a shroud of green in the sky, and when it hit the ground it started oozing electro plasmic white liquid, covering the ground. I learned to breathe in the substance. I was picking up a womans orgasm telepathically when suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. I opened the door, only to see my friend Matt, whos nose appeared to a 39. revolver. He winked at me and made a clicking sound with his mouth. Then a undeveloped picture came out of his mouth. It was of me, how nice. Then things got hostile. He said he was out to get my goat. Not my goat I yelled as I put my finger in the barrel of his gun nose(or gose or nun). The gun went off send the bullit through the back of his head, making blood splatter on the wall. The blood looked like a smiley face, and it winked at me. Then I awoke from my abbyssal slumber. This really didn't get me any closer to finding my Brain. Maybe I should post some flyers.

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Part Two
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After I had posted some flyers about the town urging people to be on the look out for a red brain that answers to the name "Puggles" I decided to hit the local Wal-Mart to obtain nourishment. While I was there I decided to ask around and see if anyone had seen my brain. I met a middle aged women who with her redneck looking family.
"Why yes" she said with a southern accent "we have seen a brain at our house, but I'm not sure if it's yours. Why don't you come home with us and we can see?"
I agreed to it. She turned around and yelled to her husband who was a few ailes down, "Vincent, bring the van around, we're gonna have company!"
We drove up to the decaying house that was clearly in need of repairs. We walked in and, judging by the heat, had no air conditioning.
"Let's go in the kitchen" she said.
We walked in the kitchen which was the dirtiest place in the house. I noticed some thing strange. Sticking out of the top of the refrigerator was a human head. The woman opened the refrigerator which was filled with organs, all of which were connected to tubes leading up to the head. They had every organ needed to substain life. There were some kidneys next to some left over chilli, and a liver and heart on top of some steaks. She pulled out a brain and handed it to me.
"This it?" she asked.
I examined it closely and determined it wasn't my brain. I handed it back. She pulled out a drink and opened. She then looked at me.
"Oh, I'm sorry, would you like something? Coca Cola, Pepsi, which ever tickles your fancy."
"Nothing thank you," I said " May I inquire as to why there is a head sticking out of the refrigerator."
"Oh that's terry. He came with a rather nasty accident involving a tractor. That's the thing about schizophrenia, it seems so real. For example if your hallucinating that your spanking a penguin you can actually feel your hand rubbing against the slick back of the indigenious mammal of Alaska."
I paused for a moment.
"But there are no penguins in Alaska" I said.
"That's probably why we have such a penguin shortage in America" she replied, "Anyway, we have been trying to bring him back to life ever since. We think we're pretty close."
"I'm not sure that will work."
"We hope it will. He never got to finish Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We were at the part where they say a Europian swallow couldn't cary a coconut."
"It could be caried by an Afrian swallow" said Terry.
Everyone in the room looked at the refigerator.
"Terry, your alive!"
"Yes, yes I am!" Terry said joyfully. He then looked at his "body".
"Why am I a refirgerator."
"Say more" said the mother.
"I will. As a matter of fact I think I'll sing. YES! I think I will. Here in my car/ I feel safest of all/I can lock all my doors/ it's the only way to live/ in cars."
I think it's about time for me to be hittin the old dusty trail.I got up and started to walk to the door.
"I should be sattling up now. Thanks for your help."
I quickly ran out of the house and started heading to the nearest gas station.

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Pat's three and Four, this missing segments
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This is going to seem a bit choppy. THis i because I lost some data, and htis is the remains.

The old man told me to go to a place called "The House of Repitition." I got to the house and it seemed no different from any other house. I rang the door bell and immediately a head popped out of the floor of the porch.

"What do you want?" asked the head.

I looked down at the head which was sticking out of a small door that had been made in the floor.

"Excuse me," I said "but I'm here to see a gentleman who goes by the name Tod Browning. Is he a resident here?"

"Go away!"

The head then disappeared. I started to walk away when the head popped out of the side of the house.

"Your still here" he said.

"Yes" I replied.

"Your persistant. I'll get Tod right away."

He then disapeared once again. Then another head popped out of the roof.

"Wait inside."

I walked in the house and noticed that everything in it was white. The walls were square cubes with lights in them. The furniture was white, the tables were white, the flowers were white, the black pillows were white.


I sat on the white couch and noticed that they had a record playing that was stuck and kept on repeating. A man walked in through the double door and almost passed without noticing me. He then looked at me very curiously, like a dog looks over a dead body.

"You waiting for someone?" he inquired.

"Yes," I replied "for a Mr. Browning."

"Ah, Mr. Browning. I see. I'm Harvey Lime. And you are?"

"Bob Barker."

"Ah, I see, Bob, I see."

All the sudden a woman burst through the left double door with a gun.

"YOU!" she yelled at Harvey.

She then shot Harvey three times. He then spun in a circle and went the the double doors to the right and the woman ran off. I looked in horror when Harvey busted the the double doors to the left. He appeared as if it hadn't happened. I looked at him and then he looked at me.

"You waiting for someone?"

"Um...yeah, I told you I was waiting for Mr. Browning."

"Ah, Mr. Browning. I see. I'm Harvey Lime. And you are?"

"Bob Barker. Don't you remember?"

"Ah, I see, Bob, I see."

"Weren't you shot three times just a second ago?"

"What ever do you mean?" he asked as if he had never even known it had
happened.

"I mean a woman walked in from that door and shot you three-"

Just then I was interupted when the same woman walked in with a gun.

"YOU!" she exclaimed.

"Wait a minute" said Harvey "you can see into the future. I have so many questions."

Just then he was shot three times and the woman ran away. Then another woman busted through the same door.

"Pardon me," she said "but would you like something to drink?"

"Um......sure. Some liquid salt please."

She left through the right door and then popped back through the left door.

"Pardon me, but would you like somehting to drink?"

I looked at her for a minute and then decided to play along.

"Liquid salt please."

She walked out through the right door and then popped back out immediately with a drink in her hand.

"I am sorry but all we had was liquid cancer" she said "you don't mind, do you?"

"No," I replied "that's fine, thank you."

She exited the same way and repeated by coming in through the same door.

"I'm sorry, but all we have is liquid cancer. You don't mind do you?"

"No. Not at all."

I accepted the drink.

Another man walked in. It appeared to be the man whose head stuck out of the floor outside.

"Hello sir, I am Tod Browning, how may I be at your service?"

"Well, I was sent by Johnny Elk. May I ask why everything here keeps on repeating?"

"Oh, that. I'm sorry. I turn it off."

He walked over and and hit the wall twice, and nothing changed. He then sat beside me. The woman who had served me my drink walked in with another one.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but we only had-" She then turned very pale and seemed disturbed by something.

"GOOD GOD" she yelled "IT'S OFF!"

"Yes," said Tod "now will you excuse us please."

"Can't I just do it this last time?" she begged.

"No, no" said Tod. She then walked off sarrowfully.

"Now, what is it you wanted".

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I went home in anticipation of getting my brain back. I was microwaving my eyes when there came a knocking at my door. I opened the door to the two doctors. They were twins dressed in identical suits.

"Why hello," they both said at once,"Allow me to introduce myself."

"I am Beverly Mantle," said one.

"And I am Elliot Mantle," said the other.

"We understand," said Beverly," you had a nasty accident, yes."

"A rather nasty accident, yes," said Elliot.

"Rather nasty indeed,yes."

"We brought you something, yes"

"Something rather dear to you, yes."

Elliot was holding a dog leash and pulled it toward the door. A brain hoped in my house and on my foot. I picked it up and on the back it said "Property of Chris Bostwick."

"It's you!" I yelled.

"Always happy to be of service, yes" said Beverly. They walked away. Now I have my brain, my brain has me, and all is right with the world. THE END