Indescribable

There's a daisy on my windshield. It sat there with other friends, wilted, then froze. The rest got thrown away, but I saved just this one. I couldn't bear to throw it away for some reason, like a small token of pity. It dried out after a couple of days of baking in the late fall sun.

I'm entirely frustrated with my life right now. Like that daisy, I've wilted and froze and then dried out completely. Once again God whispered NO in my ear and I chose to ignore it. I thought it was just doubt again. Why do I keep doing this?

The daisy came from someone I loved and lost. If I were to walk up to him tonight, he would take me back instantly. That's what the daisy was for, it was an invitation that I ignored. I don't have to pluck the petals and ask if I'm loved or not, I have to pluck the petals and ask two different names. I landed myself in this one, but I had help along the way.

One of the names on the daisy loves me unconditionally, I'm sure of it. He saved up for that engagement ring for an awfully long time. I was entirely devoted to him for seven years.

It hurt him to return that ring, I'm sure.

The other name on the petals, I've known for a few years and enjoyed his company. When I lost something on the beach, he was the first one I called to come help me find it. I knew he'd be willing to drop whatever he was doing to see me after so long. I was right. We never found what we were looking for, but it was a good walk on the beach.

One of the names, I grew up with. He was my highschool sweetheart. When I was hurt he picked me up. When he hurt me, I picked myself back up with the help of God's hand. He hurt me a lot. I can't tell you how much I wanted that ring.

It hurt me to refuse him, but it had to be done.

The other, I'm growing to know, but not all the chips are in place yet. He's a sweet and giving person. He loves to surprise, he loves to treat, he loves to talk. Something in me clicked with him only two weeks after I refused the other's ring. If I am so capable of loving him, shouldn't I have loved him before?

Everyone wants me to marry him. I felt that urge so strongly it threw me off gaurd. But do I want to do it? I feel like I barely know him.

I slept with both of them. One of them waited three years of off and on dating. The other waited not quite three years of friendship and one month of dating. I'm weak and sad. One of them, I slept with for years.

He turned me into his whore.