The New Bohemians of the Redneck Riviera

Cast of Characters

A Poet
A Writer
An Artist
A Jazz Singer
A Folk Singer
A chef
An Actress
A Mime/Bongo Player
Extras

Set in a Coffee Shop somewhere in the Florida Panhandle.

A group of artistic/eclectic people living in Panama City, Florida, a poet, an actress, a writer, a Jazz Singer, a folk singer, a chef, are trying to make a living at their crafts in a culturally challenged area. They are preparing for the Second Annual Hip Happening of the Highest Order, a benefit to raise money for a retirement home/shelter for down and out artists. There is a sign behind the counter of the coffee shoppe, attempting to be a "hip" establishment but there is a distinct aroma of local flavor. The sign reads "Grits and Grounds". The scene opens...

(Princess Di is on the phone...)

Princess Di: Lawd girl...I went over to that new eatery, you know, "The Fancy Snapper"? Oh yes...the food was flawless girl..but you know, they have that big ole aquarium fixed up in there, and everybody's sittin around this fine dinin' atmosphere..watchin the fish swim around in all those colored lights, and every now and then one of those mermaids like they have at Silver Springs..you know they suck the air out of those little hoses??..swims by, turnin over and doin tricks, then girllll...all of the sudden we see this big ole shark toolin around the school of tropical fish..then there was splashin and those fish were scatterin all over the tank! It was a downright feedin frenzy! That shark was feastin on those angel fish like you wouldn't believe! sushi parts everywhere! That mermaid was scramblin to get out of that tank..and lawwwws!..her top fell right down! She one upped Janet Jackson at the Superbowl half time show! Both boobs flopped right outta that costume..That piano player started playin...(Jazz band begins to play the Theme From Jaws) (Princess Di turns and waves a butcher knife at the band) (Band stops on a gliss...) Well , it was quite entertainin, but somehow it sorta ruined my supper...

(The artist is sitting at a table with easel and paints..seems to be trying to construct some sort of trap)

(Jazz band is milling around the stage doing band things)

(The Poet and the Bongo Player are sitting on their stage)

(The Chef, Princess Di, is behind his counter stirring something in a large pot)

(The Writer enters the shop in a frenzy..rushes to counter)

Writer: Clyde..you're going to have to find a way or make some time to get together with me about these crawfish..the supplier has to have 30 days notice...

(The Chef ignores the Writer and continues to stir..)

Writer: Clyde. CLYDE are you listening to me??

(still no response)

Writer: <eyeroll> All right, all right , all right..Princess Di..

(Chef turns with a big smile and bats obviously false eyelashes)

Clyde: Yesss?

Writer: Oh, ok..good. I finally have your attention.

Clyde: Well girlll...you know I'm a Gemini..most of the time I feel like "Sybil" I never know whether i'll wake up and be Clyde or if the Princess Di will decide to "come out".

Writer: Um...right. Ok..Princess Di..when will you have time to sit down with me about the crawfish?

Clyde: Honeyyyyy.. I'm not talkin 'bout no mudpuppies today. At two o'clock I have to go over to Cleo's and have my nails filled in...

Writer: Oh my God! I can't believe it...Clyde..I mean, Princess Di..we only have two weeks before this shindig happens and I'm all ready late with the crawfish order. If you're going to take the lead in this grits cookoff we have to notify the fish market NOW so he can get those crawfish from Louisana.

Clyde: Girrrllll...I can make my Crawfish Etoufee Double Cheddaar Grits Deeelite standin on my head (picks up cookbook) You see this honey? (waves it at writer) I didn't write this little cookbook for nothin...shoot!

Writer: (snatches book..reads aloud) 101 Ways to Cook Grits..by Clyde Sneads..or Princess Di's Gormet Grits. ( a beat) Ok Princess Di..I'll just go down to Buddy Gandy's Fisn Market and order 2 bags of crawfish..there now, that's a done deal. (mutters to self) Why do I have to do everything? Can't someone else just take a little responsibility..give a guy a break?

(We hear clatter as the Countess throws the trap on the floor)

Countess: Dammit man!

Writer: (x to countess) Oh..what's up Countess? Hey , what's all that ?

Countess: (British accent) It's going to be a trap..I am determined to catch those little bastards if it's the last thing I do.

Writer: Who? What happened now? Kids again?

Countess: You know, I don't really like kids..I eat them for breakfast. This is the third time this month the little snits have shit papered the Hearse and I've had enough! Why the hell do they continue to harass me?

Writer: Hmmm...It couldn't possibly be because you run around in the park at night in bat wings with your buddies trying to bite people on the neck..or, or maybe it's the Hurse..yup..gotta be..fully loaded, complete with a coffin in the back.

(All Freeze except The Poet and the Bongo dude)

THE COUNTESS

OUT OF THE SHADOWS- THERE IN THE PARK
QUIET AS A CAT SHE CREEPS IN THE DARK
SHE PARKED THE PINK HEARSE
AND THERE IN THE BACK
COFFIN FULL OF COSTUMES SHE BEGINS TO UNPACK

WIGS, FEATHER BOAS, A TURBAN OR TWO
15 PAIRS OF SHOES IN EACH SHADE AND HUE
THROWS THEM THIS WAY AND THAT
SEEKING WINGS OF A BAT
SHE ATTACHES THEM FAST TO HER ARMS
COMPLETE WITH HER FANGS
SHE HOWLS "LETS PLAY THIS GAME"
AS SHE TURNS ON HER VAMPIRIC CHARMS

SHE IS JOINED BY "LOUIEE"
WITH THREE COLLEGE DEGREES
BUT HE'D RATHER JUST WORK AS A COOK
THEN ALONG CAME INEZ
"LOOK".. SOMEBODY SAYS
SHE IS BRINGING THREE PAWNS AND A ROOK

THEY CAPER ALL NIGHT
IN THEIR GOTHIC DELIGHT
RUNNING HITHER AND YON TILL THE MORN
THEN THEY SLITHER AWAY
TO THE DOCK OF THE BAY
ONE MORE PAGE FROM HER BOOK HAS BEEN TORN

(Action)

Countess: Oh you know that coffin is just full of costumes.

Writer: Yes, but do THEY know it? Hell, the probably think you're a witch

Countess: Well....(wicked cackle and winks at audience)

(Countess picks up trap and continues)

Writer: Hey Countess, How's the poster coming along for the benefit? (tries to look around at the painting that's on the easel)

Countess: No, no NO! You know it's bad luck to look at a work in progress..you'll just have to wait until the end of the week.

...............To be continued.........