college application essay

What character in a book you’ve read can you relate to best? How do you see yourself in this character?

I go on two legs, wear clothes, and am a human being, but nevertheless I am in reality a wolf of the Steppes. I traverse the same paths as Harry Haller, admire the great intellectuals, wonder at the caprice of humanity, and wallow in the same routine spasms of despair and elation. My soul is split. How can I reconcile my desire to appease bourgeois society with my need to defy and mock it? “A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal and sterile life.”
Herman Hesse’s Steppenwolf illustrates the great battle that is waged within me. His character Harry Haller is an old man who simultaneously abhors bourgeois society and longs to be enfolded in its safety and anonymity. This is a dilemma that has long molested my soul as well. In the story Harry is plagued with the desire to forsake all social duty and lead a savage existence far from the teeming majority that swarms around him like an ant nest. I have found myself gripped by a similar disease many times. The idea of living in permanent contradiction to the edicts of social expectation is a tantalizing one; the lure of hedonism is not easy for me to ignore. And yet, Haller and I both retain our outward semblance of selflessness, decorum, and temperance. We admit that these are traits we truly believe in and desire to possess sometimes, that is, when the wolf is sleeping.

I have long been beckoned by the promises of the spirit: the innate goodness of humans, the afterlife, an all-encompassing transcendent truth. These ideals are sought by Harry as well. He is passionate about the potential of humanity and deeply concerned by the threat of war. Harry has unfailing devotion and appreciation for the arts, particularly music, particularly Mozart. He is an elitist, though. The sensuous jazz clubs that the youth of that era partake of repulse Harry as crude and artless bacchanal meant for the dull-witted masses. I too have a high appreciation for art in all its forms and have had to overcome my haughty disparaging attitude toward pop culture’s charms. I have sustained great pains in learning that all people are capable of amazing, beautiful actions and are worth my time and admiration.
In his story, Harry is confronted with a mirror in the form of a woman named Hermine. Harry believes she is his inner wolf set free. She is uninhibited and treats life like a garden, one whose fruits are only strangled by moral restraint and modesty. She believes Harry must throw down his mask and join her in her lifestyle that is appreciative of the baser, simpler, and more sensuous aspects of life. It is her goal to show him that these things are necessary for the survival of the soul. She insists on teaching him to dance. “Dancing, don’t you see, is every bit as easy as thinking, when you can do it, and much easier to learn.” This quote exemplifies one of the most important themes in the story. Dancing is the connection between the spiritual world and the world of the body and senses. Dancing is the first method by which Harry learns to reconcile his opposing selves. I have taken this journey as well. I am not sure who my equivalent to Hermine is but I know that I have sought that same link between what is divine and what is earthly and found it on occasion.

Although Harry’s character and journey parallel mine more than any other literary figure, we are not identical. I recognize this conflicting duality in me but refuse to let its confusion absorb my every thought, the way Harry does. Harry, despite his heartfelt love for the human race, is preoccupied with himself, is unable to maintain any close relationships (until he meets Hermine) and prefers to consort only with the illustrious likes of Goethe and Mozart than anyone actually living. He is consumed by his inner turmoil yet makes little effort to find a cure for it, even approaching the desperate outlet of suicide. It is only after he is prodded by this mirror of all that he lacks, Hermine, that he can begin to love himself as a whole person. I would like to think that I have accomplished this on my own, with the indirect influences of many people and experiences of course, but ultimately I have been my own mirror.
Within Steppenwolf Harry happens upon a pamphlet entitled “Treatise on the Steppenwolf” which mysteriously discusses the nature of the Steppenwolf. In the end it comes to the conclusion that no human is composed purely of two opposing souls. We are all inundated with a limitless amount of souls, all playing a part in our character and our actions. It takes Harry a long time to learn this but I hope I will be more receptive.
After all the true message of Steppenwolf has nothing to do with souls or duality. It is about the unity in all things, the dependency of all things on all things. It teaches that the wolf and the gentleman are one and the same; the only way to arrive at this conclusion is to explore and to find humor in our struggles.
“I would traverse once more the hell of my inner being. One day I would be a better hand at the game. One day I would learn how to laugh.”