The Answer

The Answer

Three solemn figures agitate the horizon as a swollen sun plummets into the rotting earth. They each maliciously kick rocks and silently reminisce about the death of life. They desperately cling to a memory - that, at the time, seemed worse than death itself - of when all had died except the vegetation. Green is now just a memory. As they aimlessly walk, a flash of color. Blue. The three form a tight triangle around a small blue book with two words carved into the cover: THE ANSWER

May 1
FUCK YEAH!!
Done. The worst week of my life is over. Nothing like a Biochem, Pchem, and an advanced polymer final on the same day. I got a feeling I haven't gotten in a long time. Not since the last day of high school have I felt the great relief of all my troubles and stress falling off me as I exit a classroom. Walking on air though the halls, blood running cold, tingly appendages, butterflies etc. For the first time in 3 weeks I was thinking about what I just did, not what I have to do next. I was just kinda staring into the sky when I began to notice something so I sat on the bench in front the chemistry building. It was 12:30 so some people were finishing there finals and some still had a few to go. I just watched people for about an hour. The people leaving the building had a slow meandering pace. They were looking at the sky or the ground mostly, but christ, the people walking toward the building were a whole different story. Their tight faces lead them down a bee line to the building, they weren't looking at anything, they were just gazing ahead at figment formulas or staring blankly at a review sheet they've looked at a hundred times. I'm convinced most of college is just a test to see how much shit the average person can take before they quit or cheat. That's why jobs want degrees, if you have a degree, it means you will take a lot of shit, and that's what they want, a shit taker. Speaking of shit takers, I have to dump like a race horse. Tomorrow is going to rock my face off.

May 2
It’s half way through the 7 hour drive, we just passed Dismal swamp, I always loved that name. I wish I was driving so I could pick the music, or in the front seat so I could be in the conversation, or in Jim's car so I could moon Bruce. It's overcast so everything looks cool, I wish my camera wasn't in the trunk, all the tall grass is a really vivid yellow and all the greens are really lush, it looks good against the gray sky. Sort of out of the blue, Jim started asking me about religon. He said that if I Believed in God, that means I also must believe in the devil. I told him that I believe in a place where the wicked spend eternity in unrest, and that this kingdom was ruled by a fallen angle. Then he started to ask me about demons and possessions and exorcism. Like are all possessions the devil, or are there other demons who can take control of a body. He had his usual smart ass tone. I couldn’t tell if he was asking out of curiosity or if he was just being a dick. I answered his questions with as few words as possible until he backed off. I can’t imagine what brought that on. woke up this morning to Sara knocking on my door AGAIN. Everybody went to Wal-mart to get stuff for the trip and she was alone for two seconds so I guess it was either go find them at Wal-mart, or wake me up. I was closer. I don't know why she has to be around people every fucking second of the day. Oh well, we played jaws for a while until they got back from the store. We went and got some crap, and I fucking forgot to get a towel. When we got back, Jennifer and Jim said Bruce called and said they had just woken up, so like two hours later we were finally ready to go. Jim, Jennifer, and Sara in Jim's car; me, Bruce, and Shawn in Shawn's car. The ride so far isn't bad, we mooned people, pretended to be asleep at the wheel, threw water balloons, stared at people with Halloween masks on, etc. Then came this natural lull where you don't even hear the music and no one talks so I decided to make an entry to pass the time.

We got to the cabin and hooked up the stereo so we would have toons while we hooked up the DVD player and unloaded the cars. We watched Death Dream Bringith the Truth, it sucked, such a cool premise - such a bad movie. How could they go wrong with psychic zombies from the future? They know our future AND THEIRS, sounded flawless to me. Most everybody fell asleep before the second wave of zombies, the ones that only eat the brains of the first zombies, showed up; but by god I was going to finish that movie. I hate when a movie becomes a chore to watch. Ended up sitting next to Jennifer...one day. I wish I could see what the woods look like, we got here after dark and all is black.

May3
I woke up at like ten or so. Nobody else was up yet, so I just went and walked around in the woods and took pictures. There is some really cool shit here, a cypress swamp, a huge lake, and the ground is covered in a rust colored blanket of pine needles. The whole time I was out there I felt like I had something due, or like I forgot something. I guess it was nothing, maybe it was just left over uneasiness from finals week. One thing was pretty cool though, I saw a rabid raccoon, I guess, it was staggering around and when it saw me it didn't really respond. I tried to take its picture and it freaked out and ran at me. I ran away and it couldn't keep up. When I got back I thought everybody was gone, but Sara was still there and sleeping. As soon as I started reading she woke up. She started asking me questions about nothing, so I told her I'd be done in a while so she would leave me alone. I thought she was going to her room but she went and got a book and read right next to me. I wanted to be alone but I didn't say anything. Everybody came back for lunch; they went swimming at the lake. After lunch I went swimming too, I knew Sara wouldn't follow me as long as there were other people around; she invariably follows the group with more people in it. Today was pretty fucking boring, and four days ago all I could think about was doing nothing. We all went back to the lake at midnight but were too scared to get in.

May 4
We all slept in the living room last night; it was kind of a chicken cesar salad of people and sleeping bags. It was cool to all be close together like that, and Jennifer put her sleeping bag next to mine. I refuse to read into that. We all woke up at about the same time. I remember when I was little I would always wake up at the same time as my friends. It was like I would sense them waking up, and it was the same today. We all walked to the cypress swamp, it's so fucking cool. I didn't realize how long it had been since we all had done something together. During the semester you get in little routines and only do certain things with certain people. On the way back we started playing tag, then that turned into hide and seek, it was awesome. It's weird to "miss" your friends when you have been around them all semester. When we got back to the cabin Jim realized he forgot his lens cap so he had to go back to the swamp. It got dark while he was gone and he was out of breath when he got back. He ran in and slammed the open door behind him. He asked us if we had ever been scared for no reason, like going up a flight of stairs. He said it felt like there was someone behind him all of a sudden. He looked and didn't see anything, but something came over him and he felt like he had something to run from. We just got back in from cooking hot dogs and baked beans over the fire. Flame cooked food is the best. Jim ate10 hotdogs without buns, I don't know how he does it. All I had was a can of beans with hot dogs in them. It's only midnight and I'm getting tired, I can't stay up like I used to, this sucks.

May 5
Well, we fucked up.
Sara was still sleeping at about 1:30 as usual, so we thought it would be funny to stick her out in the woods alone. She is always talking about how much she hates being alone so we wrote her a note to meet us at the swamp when she woke up. We all hid out back and watched her get up, brush her teeth, fix her hair, eat, etc, then when she walked off into the woods we just went back inside and waited. She was gone for like 30 min and when she came back she asked what happened and I said "what do you mean, we were wondering where you went." We were all sorta laughing and I didn't think it was that big of a deal but her response was a little like this
“What the fuck do you mean where have I been? I have been sitting at the fucking lake for 15 fucking minutes. I had to walk all the fucking way out there and all the way back just because you think you're a fucking comedian. Why the fuck can't you just be happy with who you are and quit leaving your fucking shoes in the living room?”
But a little louder and filled with way more fucks. I'm not even quite sure what she is talking about, I have my shoes on my feet. I've never been that upset over 15 min and a 10 min walk. Something else must be going on, I'm sure she'll tell someone sometime tonight, she never keeps anything to herself.

It's 1:30, I'm about to go to sleep and still no sign of Sara. She hasn't left her room since she lost it earlier. We knocked really lightly on her door, but all she did was throw something at the other side. This is really weird; she can usually take a joke as well as the next guy, i.e. the horrifically funny prank wars of '01. Hope she's OK.

May 6
Didn't sleep much last night. The outside of this cabin may be made of wood but the walls are made of fucking paper. Sara and someone were up all night arguing, I couldn't tell if it was Bruce, Jim, or Shawn. Got up at 11:30 and it was pretty nice out, there was still fog over the lake and I could see black clouds off in the distance, a bad storm is on the way. I went into the living room asked Shawn if him and Sara had words last night, he said it must have been Bruce cause he is always the last one to go to sleep. I asked Bruce what they were talking about and he said he heard it from his room, that it was Jim or Shawn. Jim said the same thing and got a little concerned. They said it was probably the TV or something. I swear it was Sara's voice, but, I was sleeping, sort of. Anyway, later when Sara woke up at like 4 in the afternoon she acted like nothing happened. She went straight to the kitchen, got breakfast, cheerfully asked us how we were, and went straight back to her room. We asked her if she wanted to pick a movie out, but she said she was going to eat in her room, that she had some stuff to do. Pretty weird. I guess everyone was going to leave well enough alone, no one mentioned it for the rest of the day. After everyone was asleep I could still hear something in Sara's room so I snuck out and looked in her room. She was talking in her sleep, but it sounded like two different voices. There is no way that's what I heard last night. If I get the balls, I'll ask her tomorrow.

May 7
Well, I guess everything's ok. Sara seems pretty much back to normal. She stayed in her room most of the day. I don't think it was to be mean, she kept the door open and every once in a while she would pass through or stand behind the couch for a minute and bullshit with us. I don't know, it's mostly Sara, but only mostly. We all went back to the lake, but Sara said she just wanted to hang around the cabin and straighten up. We found this kick ass rope swing that swung into the lake. We played on it all day; Bruce got cocky and tried to do it up-side down. He was apparently going to do a flip hanging by his feet; he jumped down hit his head on the bank of the lake, swing out and all the way around and hit a tree. You had to see it, it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. We got back at around 7pm and Sara was in the living room, but she got up and went and read in her room as soon as we walked in the door. Still weird.

May 8
Maybe it's not ok. Sara flipped out last night, bad. I didn't see any of it, but I woke up when Jim started screaming. Apparently Jim was up peeing sometime last night when he heard Sara mumbling something and digging through a kitchen drawer. He said he sat back and watched caused there was something funny about the way she was moving, especially her hands. They weren't going directly to what she wanted to touch, they had this weird arc to them and her hands were always at a right angle to her arm, with her fingers curled all over the place. She was saying words but they were responses to some conversation she was having in a dream or something. So now she's sleep walking around the kitchen, opening and closing drawers and cabinets. Jim, fascinated, said he couldn't even move. He was just watching it like it wasn't really happening. He didn't even realize what was going on until he saw a reflection off the knife in the dark room. Apparently she walked over to the living room couch where Bruce was sleeping and held the knife to her chest, like you would hold something valuable or fragile. That's when Jim snapped out of it and yelled at her. He asked her what the fuck she was doing but she didn't look up. I heard him, popped out of sleep and ran to the living room. Just as I got there she bent over closer to Bruce and said in this weird broken disjointed voice "Be. Kind. Wake up." Jim and I both yelled her name and she started looking around. She said when she first woke up she couldn't figure out where she was. She didn't even know she was holding the knife until she went to use that hand to open her bedroom door. She looked at it then at both of us, and dropped it on the floor and went inside her room. It's 9:30 in the morning. I don't think anyone is up yet, but I'm almost scared to go out there.

Well, when I left my room this morning no one was up, but Sara's door was open so I went and checked it out. She was gone. I was worried but I didn't know what to do and wanted to talk to everyone before I did, well anything. So, I read for a while until Shawn woke up. We talked for a while about everything until Jen woke up and we asked her if she knew what was going on. She said no and we talked for a little while longer, until Sara walked in the door wearing what she went to sleep in, bare feet and all. We asked what the hell she was doing out so early and she said she woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so she went for a walk. But we told Jen to go talk to her as a girl, and she came back and told us Sara said she woke up out by the swamp. She said Sara didn't know what to say because it was so weird and she was scared. I'll have to keep an ear out tonight.

Ok heading to bed, nothing new happened with Sara today. I know I won't be able to sleep. What a crappy entry, just writing out of nervous habit. I'm going to try and sleep with the door open tonight.

May 9
For Fucks sake.
I guess now I'm keeping this journal so I can just give it to the police, if we ever get the fuck out of here. Last night I finally fell asleep, it didn't help that the door was open; it took a few extra blankets before I felt like no one could see me. I slept ok, but I kept waking up at every little sound, you know, because I was waiting for something to happen, even in my sleep. So at like 3:30 the little sound was Sara in the kitchen again, but this time it was like she was trying to be quite, her foot steps were slow and soft and the sounds of her digging through the silverware drawer were just small metallic clicks. I snuck to the doorway and watched, as she walked through the living room she didn't look like she was sleepwalking to me. With very direct movements and a determined look on her face she made her way to the front door. She had a few different knives this time. She carefully and quietly walked out onto the porch. I walked as quietly as I could, and by the time I got to the window I lost her. I went back to my room and looked out the window, but I still couldn't find her. All I could see was the heat lightning in the sky. After a couple of minutes of standing there wondering what I should do, I decided to wake up Bruce, but as I went to leave my room Sara was coming back inside. I froze. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing at all. I feel like I should tell Bruce that I could have stopped it, but I don't know how. Anyway, she only had one knife now, the big one. Again, very careful not make any noise, she walked around the couch. She was not talking to herself this time, but she did say one thing and it was not disjointed or fragmented. She leaned very close to Bruce and said "I'd hate to be your kind when our kind wake up." then she stabbed him in the leg with the seven inch kitchen knife. As soon as he screamed I yelled Sara's name and rushed toward her and tackled her. It was pretty fucked up; she was scared when she saw me, like terrified, almost like it shocked her to see me or maybe like she didn't recognize me. She tried to stab me in the face a few times and I finally knocked the knife out of her hand. By this time everyone had come out of their rooms and were running around yelling, mostly "what the fuck is going on?", but other stuff too. Long story short, the living room was a poster child for chaos at about 3:45am last night. It took four of us, but we finally held her down, forced her into her room, and locked her in. So she's in there freaking us out and we were out in the living room just listening. No one even knew what to say. She just kept talking about we and you. "When we become strong, you will all die." ,"One locked door can't hold us back.", "You will pay for this.", all kinds of crazy stuff. A lot of the same things over and over again. And her voice was way fucked up, it sorta sounded like Sara's voice, just deeper and gritty. Sorta like she was sick. But the really weird part was the way she talked; it just wasn't the way Sara talked. Meanwhile we are trying to carry on the conversation of what to do, and patch up Bruce's leg. The knife went through his calf, he's all fucked up but I don't think it's as bad as it could have been. If she got him in the thigh or somewhere else he might have bled to death. We put a towel on the wound and wrapped a belt around it, that seemed to stop the bleeding, but he still has trouble walking. After that, the what to do conversation went nowhere fast. It was mostly shouting ideas that anyone would say if anything went wrong. "I'll go get help, you guys stay here and keep and eye on her", "It should only take the police a few minutes to get out here.", stuff like that, but both of those paths ended in the answer to the mystery of where Sara went when she left the house and I couldn't follow her. She went out with the little knives and she slashed the tires to the cars and cut the phone line. I don't even know how she knew what to look for. Sara does not even know what a phone line looks like on the outside of a house. That makes me wonder. So anyway, what could we do? Shawn said he was going to walk until he found something, but we talked him out of it because it was 4 in the morning and it would take way to long to get somewhere and back. We decided to just try and get some sleep, at least until dawn, then try to figure something out. Sara is still locked in her room; I can hear her right now. She's in there walking around saying the same stuff over and over again. It's fucking creepy. Jim moved into Shawn's room and I'm sure same as me, everyone has locked their doors. Now, let's see if I can get some sleep.

May 10
They woke me up with a plan. They knocked on my door at about 8:30 and started talking way to fast for me to have just woken up. A lot of talk about an election, some drawing straws, and somehow Shawn is leaving. I don't think that's such a hot idea but they all want it to happen, so there's no point in fighting with them. We spent some time combing the house for things that might help, a map, bottled water, a book bag, flashlight, stuff like that. We gave him a camera too, just because. After that he looked around the house again for another hour saying he didn't want to get out there and find he forgot something. I think he was just stalling, he did look scared though. I can't even imagine how far of a walk it'll be. It was a long enough drive, just from the paved road to here. So he finally left and then there was nothing. No one even spoke; we all just sat there and listened to Sara. I didn't notice until we all started talking, but no one had really said anything about what was happening to Sara. Me, Jen, Bruce, and Jim sat around talking about what it might be and I also realized no one had even tried talking to Sara, I know why I didn't, and I figured the others were just as scared as me. Bruce went over to her door and knocked and called her name. I couldn't forget the conversation that followed if I tried. The response from the other side of the door was "She's not here". Bruce didn't miss a beat, he just went with it. "Well, where is she?". Sara's distorted voice said, "The other side."
Bruce: other side of what?
Sara: existence.
That stumped him for a sec, but I could tell he didn't believe it.
Bruce: what is she doing there?
Sara: dying.
Bruce: and you, you took her place here?
Sara: yes. I am not the first and I am not the last. Each time one of us passes, it is easier for the next. The passage is stretching wider and wider, like Elizabeth's pussy. Like you have trouble coming because she's fucked 26 other guys.
Bruce: you fucking leave her out of this.
That's what made me believe, Sara doesn't even know Elizabeth that well and I could tell by the way Bruce flipped out that it was true. Guys like Bruce are touchy about their girl's past. So, busted leg and all, he managed to punch a hole in the door before we could drag him back to the couch. All he said for a little while after that was "how the fuck". I guess he's ok, but now not only can we hear Sara all day, but now she could stick her face up to that hole and stare out at us. Her eyes looked like they rolled back into her head, but I'll be damned if she didn't know when we were looking at her. I tried very hard not start thinking along these lines, but so much is adding up. I don’t even want to believe it, but I think Sara has become host to a demon, and I think it came from the swamp. I always feel uneasy when we’re out there. I have no way to prove it, but I will be keeping my distance from Sara. So we have to kill a lot of time until Shawn gets back, I guess days if he has trouble finding someone. The first thing we did was nail a piece of wood over the hole in the door, Sara's face staring through it the whole time. She didn't even move when the nails started coming through her side of the door. The Second thing we had to do was work on Bruce. We think he broke his hand and some of his finger, even if not, the skin is all torn up and it's pretty swollen. We wrapped his hand, re-wrapped his leg, and put him back in his room. Jen found a first aid kit with some morphine pills, how old must they be? When did they stop using morphine for everything? Well, we gave Bruce two pills and hoped he would sleep the rest of the night. After that it was just waiting, only we didn't know what we were waiting for, just anything to happen. The sun set, but it was slowly. The winds rose, but it was gradual. Nothing could distract us from the clock until that first rumble of thunder. The clouds must have rolled in as it got dark because none of us knew what was coming until it started pouring. We could barely hear each other over the sound of the rain on the metal roof. Eventually, the storm lulled us all to sleep and we all slept in the living room again, just like the first night, but for slightly different reasons.

May11
9:30am. No Shawn. Things were not so bad last night, I didn't hear Sara, except for a few times, but it was much more subdued. I think the storm helped too. It didn't let up at all through the night and it's still raining pretty badly now. No one is up yet and it's pretty quiet.

At about 1 me and Jen went out on the front porch and sat and watched the rain and talked about all kinds of stuff. I think I fucked up trying to push the conversation to what it would be like with me and her, but luckily Sara started screaming from her room. It was her regular voice so we ran inside, to her door. She was pounding on the other side and screaming "help me, please let me out, there's someone else in here with me." I didn't trust it, I told Jen and Jim to stay there and I ran out and around to her window to look in. The rain was so cold it hurt. There was blood all over the inside of the widow and all over the walls of her room. When I pressed my face up to the window to get a better look she saw me and ran at the window, here eyes were filled with fear until she got right up to the window. She stopped, stood up straight and stared me dead in the face. She took another step slowly and slapped her left arm up against the window. The words “Help Me” were carved into her forearm. As I backed away from the window she slapped the other arm up to the window just above the first. “You Can't” was carved into that arm. I turned and ran back into the house and told them not to open the door. I didn't tell them anything else. After that it was much louder for a long time. She yelled for longer than it seemed her breath would allow. I told them that is was only going to get worse. I told them everything I had ever heard about possession. I told them it started with a burst of energy, most likely negative, and I pointed out what happened when Sara got back from the swamp. Next It would begin to work on her and she would slowly lose touch with reality. I’ve heard that many asylum patients are diagnosed as possession by priests, but science refuses to believe. That at first it will only be powerful when she can’t fight back, during sleep, and again I recalled what happened to Bruce. Jen asked me where they come from. I told her hell, that some are souls that have have lived before. I told them that if ignored, the thing insider her would grow and grow, and become more violent as time passed. If we can’t get her exorcized, she will have to die before she kills one of us. I don’t think they believe anything I said. We all went out on the porch hoping she would give up soon. We sat out there and waited for Shawn for what seemed like hours, just staring into the rain. Eventually we made it back inside and we are in my room now because it is the farthest room from Sara's. Right before we went to laid down Jen went to check on Bruce and feed him some more morphine. It should be much easier to sleep with Jen and in here. Jim too I guess.

May 12
She put her butt on me. Last night, when we were sleeping. We all slept on the floor and she was curled up in the fetal position and kept scooting closer to me until her butt was on my side. She is with Bruce now, and Jim is still sleeping on the floor, I don't hear Sara, but it's still storming like a beast.

9:30pm and still no Shawn, unless something happened to him he wouldn't stop. He'll be here; it's just a matter of when. The day was pretty slow and quiet as long as we were on the porch; every time one of us would walk through the living room to check on Bruce, Sara would start trying different things to get us to open her door. Once it was "this is pretty fucked up how can you lock your friend in a room" that graduated into threats like "you better open this fucking door now and I'll only kill you, if I have to break through I'll leave you with a wound that takes three days to die from". That was immediately followed by "can I have a glass of water?" And once as I was tip-toeing past she said " I know it's you Rick, you sure you're ok without Jen by your side?" That's fucked up, I never told Sara what I thought of Jen, I haven't told anyone at school, the only people who know are back home. I don't think Jen heard it, or if she did she politely ignored it. Either way I opted not to go back to the porch right away. I Sat down with Bruce but all he did was ask me for more morphine, I think Jen had given him two a few hours earlier, and now he wanted three more. I gave them to him, I don’t think we can do anything for him until we find help anyway. Then Sara started yelling again. I think whatever it is lets go sometimes because Sara started screaming again in her normal voice. It was bad, I really wanted to open the door, but that's probably what the other thing wants too, so I didn't. But when I was standing at the door, blood stated to flow from under the crack. I wish there was something I could do; other than wait, and listen to her.

May 13
Fuckin shit. I can't take this bullshit anymore. If I have to listen to her wailing in there all night again tonight I'm going to go in there and shut her the fuck up. The day started off exactly how I hoped it wouldn't with Sara walking around in her room yelling at herself. Somewhere deep inside me I was hoping it was all a bad dream. It was not. After about a half an hour I had to get out of the house. I went and walked around the woods for a couple of hours, hoping maybe Sara would calm down by then. The rain was painfully cold. I walked to the cypress swamp and sat down for a long time. As I sat there I started to get used to the rain, it began to feel almost warm, like the first few seconds of hose water in the summer. Walking back, I could hear cunt-face as I approached the house. I walked in, kicked her door, and told her to shut the fuck up. I don't care if something is wrong with her, we can't help her all the way out here and she's the dumb shit who slashed the fucking tires. Jen told me to calm down when I was pounding on Sara's door. What the fuck does she know; she's just too much of a pussy to do anything about anything. Fucking tease. They tried to talk to me about Shawn, but I just couldn't listen to any more of their shit. He's gone and he not coming back, I don't know why the fuck it was him who got to leave anyway. Fuck him, he's probably at some hotel right now taking a nap. Yeah, so as if I wasn't obvious enough, they kept on talking to me and asking me a bunch of stupid questions like am I ok. I'm trapped in a fucking cabin with a pussy, a cock tease, an invalid and a demon host; plus, our friend abandoned us; no, I'm not fucking OK. Fuck. Whatever, I had to lock my door to keep them out. I'm going to sleep.

May 14
Hm. The thunder woke me up last night and I felt like crap, the bed was covered in sweat and I was freezing cold. I had some crazy fucking dreams, I can't remember all of them but, something I couldn't see was chasing me through the woods, only I was watching from the point of view of the thing, like I was chasing myself.

When I went out to the living room no one was there, I figured they were just sleeping so I started to make some coffee and toast in the kitchen, but then I heard them in Jen's room. I walked a little closer to make sure it was them and not the TV or something and when I got up to the door I heard them lock it. Don't know what the fuck that was about. I didn't want to talk to them anyway, but it's the principal of the thing, yah know. So I grabbed my coffee and went to check on Bruce. He was unconscious with his head hanging off the side of the bed, a string of drool connected his open mouth to the floor and next to his bed were the rest of the morphine pills in a bowl. Next to the bowl was a note that said please take one. It reminded me of Halloween. After that I went back to my room. I locked my door too, fuck them.

I can hear them out there talking. Mumbles under the sound of the rain. I think they are talking about Shawn, but he won't be back he's too much of a fuck up to make it to where ever he thinks he’s going, and pretty soon they'll be banging on my door begging me for help.

I woke up on the floor out in the living room. No one was out there, I guess Jen and Jim were both in Jen's room -whatever. They probably didn't hear me because of the storm. I guess that's the same reason I didn't here Sara. Now I have to try and get back to sleep.

Damnit, I hate not being able to sleep in another house, it’s so much worse. Plus I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s going on. The same shit just keeps running laps in my head. Jen is so awesome, I know she likes me as a person or she wouldn’t ask me to hang out and laugh at my jokes and stuff. And she once told me all the physical stuff she like about me, and the list was pretty long. So she’s attracted to me and gets along with me but doesn’t want to date me. I don’t get it. I guess there’s some mysterious female factor that somehow makes me not equal a boyfriend, but that’s a puzzle for another time. Shit im selfish, Shawn has been out there trudging through the rain for 4 days looking for help and I’m pissy because I can’t have what I want. 4 days is a long time, I hope he didn’t get lost. I guess all he has to do is make it to a road and he will be able to find something soon after that. Sometimes I think he didn’t make it, but unless he got hurt he wouldn’t stop. He will just keep going until he finds something. He knows we’re in trouble, why would he just give up. He’ll be here, it’s just a matter of time.

Fuck insomnia, this is bullshit. I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up. Yeah, I get it, Jen is being a twat. But nothing is going to change unless I act, but what the fuck am I going to do, I can’t fucking help it that she likes assholes. Fuck her. If she wants to be with a dick like Jim, that’s her fucking choice. I mean, I’d hit her and cheat on her and yell at her in the middle of victoria secret, but no, I “so nice” and the fucking lord knows you don’t want to be stuck with nice guy. Just another example of women using men to get what they need. I guess Jim is her protection, Bruce is her project, or child or something, and Shawn is her savior, ha that’s a fucking joke. Shawn is long gone. I still cant decide if he’s just not coming back, or if he’s wandering around the same stretch woods like a fucking moron. Maybe he’s laying in the rain with a broken leg, that’s what he deserves. Well, what ever happened to him, he won’t be back here, why would he.

May 15
Terrible fucking dreams again. Almost the same dream as last night, I think reoccurring nightmares are a sign of psychological problems, anyway this time the thing caught up to me and started talking to me, they weren't words but it was a dream so I understood. I never stopped running, but it was a dream, so I just stood there and listened. It scared me. As I'm writing this I can hear Jen tapping on my door and whispering to me, asking me if I'm up, if I'm ok, if I want to come out. I figure she'll go away if she thinks I'm asleep. Her whispers tell me that Jim doesn't want her talking to me - figures. I'm going back to sleep.

I went out to the living room to see if Jen was out there, I didn't see her at all yesterday. I hope she’s not avoiding me. No one was out there; I stared out the window for a while, hoping to see something other than rain. I wouldn't have admitted it if someone had asked, but I was looking for Shawn. I guess Jen and Jim are in her room...together. Oh well.

If this looks all fucked up it's cause I'm writing with my left hand. I walked out to the living room expecting to be avoided by my friends like the past two days, but instead I found Jen curled up and sitting way to close to Jim. I could see it in their eyes, the way they both stared at me, that they felt "caught" doing something. They had the same scared look as a kid with his hand in the cookie jar, or a teenager with his hand in a girl. Anyway, long story short - I hit him in the mouth a couple of times, Jen flipped out and started screaming at me and I had to lock her out of my room. Yeah, now she wants to spend time with me...slut. I'm going to sleep.

Fuck this is boring, that's what I get for sleeping all day, I wish I had some Nyquil, or someone to talk to.

I knew there wouldn't be anyone in the living room but I had to check. Jim's door was open and his room was empty, I suppose they are both in Jen's room. Girls are so god damn weird. I'm really getting mixed signals here. First, everything was normal, then she slept so close to me that I couldn't sleep because I was so excited, now I think she wants to be with Jim. It hurts my head and stomach...and for some reason my hand, maybe I've been writing too much.

May16
I didn't get to sleep til about sun rise, not that it mattered, I had the worst night terror I've ever had last night, so I still feel like crap. Same dream but much more real this time, I was running from that thing again but it was a dream so it was also coming right at me from the front. I froze, not sure what to do and it slammed into my chest, knocking me to the ground. It scared me so bad I jerked out of bed and was on the floor when I started to snap out of it. I looked around, not sure where I was at first. That's when I noticed my door was shut. I definitely went to sleep with it open. So I got up, having no idea this would be the worst day of my life, and checked out the door. It was locked or boarded from the other side. Either way, I don't know what the hell is going on here.

I just can't believe it. I've gone over it a thousand times in my head. I can't figure out what's happening. They can't possibly want to leave me behind with Sara. What if they're not even out there now, what if Shawn already made it back, rescued them and they just left me here. I can't see anything out the window except the ra

The windows are so old the locks are jammed shut, what am I going to do? I know they are out there, they have to be. I'll give this one day; I'll be as quite as a mouse. If I don't make any noise they will come and check on me, they must think they are doing this for my "own good", if they don't hear me move for a few hours they will check on me, they have to.

I've got to get out. I have to get out. Fuck, I have to get out. If I don't get out I'll be in here. And I can't be in here because I have to be out there. Fuck. Help.

It was excruciating, I sat on the bed for two hours, just listening. The good news is I finally heard squeaks and creaks from the living room; the bad news is I must have fallen asleep because my window is now boarded up from the outside. How would I not have heard that? I wish I knew what the fuck was going on. I wish they would talk to me, but I wish for many things right now.

Why the fuck is this so fucking fucked up. I will not be done in. This is not the way friends fucking treat each other. Sacrifice the body, that's what they taught me in football, and that's what they taught me in life. I'm getting the fuck out and then they're getting there's. I'll lock them in the fucking closet, and go find Shawn. The penalty for abandoning your troop is hanging. The meek shall inherit a fucking boot to the jaw.

I'm bored.

If I have to do this all over again, I'm just not going to do it, I'll fucking return it, even though I've already used it. I don't have time for this, I'm already half and hour late. This won't look good. I'll have to think of a good excuse.

Great, now termites are eating my fucking safe.....and I lost the combination, what else could possibly happened to be there at the same time as me, yeah right, I bet she planned that.
Maybe it was the sour milk I had to kill him, there was no other choice.

The knives won't work I can't dig deep enough.

God, can’t stop the rain.

INSIDE ME.

The Seventeenth of May
I know they are out there, and I know why they hide and creep as well. So do they. They think they know fear, they know nothing. Not even of the world that surrounds them. They hide in her room. Together. He offers comfort with a warm hand, hug, kiss, tongue. She thinks of me, I feel it. She wonders why. He thinks of me also. He wonders when. He would kill me if given the chance, as he did the other. I will escape; it is just a matter of time.

The glass was easy enough, but the plank on the window holds fast. This is only a temporary set back. I simply need to sit and think. Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.
These helpless things fascinate me; all they do is sit around and wonder how and why things happen to them. I wonder if they will ever see that these things happen because they ponder rather than act. Instead of begging the sky to free them, why do they not fight? Where is there self preservation? Where is their instinct? There look and their world has changed much, but still they cower at adversity, giving in to the foothills of hardship, never feeling the power of a victory.

As I wait, the far away grows near. He knows that I am here, he quickens. Freedom will soon be mine.

Reunion. I feel her joy, her relief. She thinks her equal can also be her savior. I can feel all of them. I hear them, and for fleeting moments, see them. I will soon be ready. They plot; I know what they would do. And I will accept it with open arms.

The Twenty-first of May
As the pounding on the door began, I prepared myself for the attack. Shawn's actions were swift, there was no hesitation. His companion's visage did not trifle his aim. I was pierced with a far more advanced weapon than I am accustomed to. Many tiny beads followed the boom of his weapon and most of my flesh landed on or about this desk and after three days of repair I am only able to move about the room for brief periods of time. I shall require much rest before I begin. No matter, I enjoy watching the sun habitually chase away the darkness. But as always, the darkness returns.