Bob had a Big head

"Bob had a Big Head"

Bob had a big head. People stared at it daily, and he had few friends. He could not fit into cars or buses, so he couldn’t go anywhere without the help of his best friend’s pickup truck. He had to ride in the back! It seemed like Bob, already in his thirties, was doomed! He tried surgery, but the doctors wouldn’t go near him. First, they drew straws to select a doctor for him, but the loser jumped out of the window! The secretary scheduled an appointment for February 30th, and sent Bob on his way.
The South Spring mall was one of the few places to get a bite to eat within walking distance, besides the hobo who sells mystery meat sandwiches behind building next to the dumpster.
He was used to ignoring the glaring eyes and screams as he passed, not to mention the occasional 9-1-1 call. As he approached the hot dog stand, he turned and saw the most beautiful and radiant woman he had ever seen before. Her hair looked like flowing blonde ropes, her face… a little hairy. She had the five o’ clock shadow of the angels. Her belly came out like it was filled with love, and her dress was tattered with the hardships of the world that Bob intended to end.
He approached her, and got her attention by standing next to her. She saw his four-foot head and smiled, exposing her bright, ocean-green teeth. He greeted her nervously and complimented her muscular arms. He started by saying, “Hey, uh… do you have dinner plans?”
The woman’s smile broadened, and she told him, “Actually, tonight I was going to have another microwave meal and cry the hours away until bed.”
“What a coincidence!” exclaimed Bob.
She carried on, with a glint in her perfect, crusted eyes, “I am free Wednesday night, though. Pick me up at 6:00?”
Bob nearly shouted confirmation, and, forgetting food in his excitement, ran full speed at the exit.
A few hours later Bob woke up on the doormat of the mall with a lump on his head from where the doorway hit him. People were casually trampling him on their way out. The woman of his dreams was standing over him. She told him that she forgot to mention something. “The first date has to be at your house, okay? I only date guys who make great hot dogs. See you then!” she said, and promptly walked over his face to get out.
It was later, at his house, prancing for joy, that he realized he had no idea how to make a hot dog. It was already Monday.
And so it was that he called his friend with a pickup truck, Osama, and got a ride to Hot Dog Depot. At the store, bob took half an hour to choose a brand name. It was no bother to Osama, who was busy holding a gun to all the cashiers. Him and his shenanigans! Bob laughed as they left the store, Osama trailing behind with a big bag of cash.
On the way home, Bob dropped the hot dogs and back to the store they went.
Back at home, alone with the hot dogs, Bob tried to prepare one. First he put it in the microwave. All of a sudden time slowed down as Bob yelled “NOOOO!” and leapt under the table. The microwave blew up in slow motion, bypassing the area under the table, like in an action movie. Time sped up, and Bob salvaged the hot dogs still in the ‘fridge.
Next he tried broiling the hot dogs. Let’s just say it’s lucky there was a fire extinguisher on hand. All attempts to make a hot dog worth eating went up in smoke, as did the hot dogs. It took him a month of postponing the date to make a decent hot dog.
Finally, the date came. Bob eagerly walked the woman, who identified herself as Jamie, to his house. Her masculine yet gentle voice hypnotized him. They came to his house and walked in. They went into the basement because the police were in the house searching for some wanted man named Osama Bin Laden. It must have been a mistake, for his friend said he was going to be gone all week, and couldn’t be in the house.
In the basement the pair chatted to each other pleasantly. At about 7:00, they ate. Bob brought out the hot dogs and Jamie ate them hungrily. She then said, “Wow Bob. You’re an amazing guy. When I first saw you I didn’t think you would be interested in… someone like me.”
“What do you mean ‘someone like you’?” Bob asked, puzzled.
Then she said, meekly, “You know I’m a drag queen, right?”
From the fireplace, a cough erupted, and Osama emerged, saying, “Are they gone yet?”
Jamie looked back but Bob was nowhere to be seen.

The End