Slow Dance On The Inside

Slow Dance On the Inside

Lynn slipped her hand into Jason’s and he smiled sleepily, his eyes still shut tight. She stared at him long and hard as he dug his face into his pillow and didn’t let go of her hand. Lynn breathed lightly, afraid that she'd wake him. She took in how good it felt, just to have him hold her. Then, suddenly, she let go. Telling herself she was too aware of the feeling for her own good. He didn’t seem to notice and Lynn huffed angrily before throwing off the covers and getting out of the bed.

Sitting down minutes later with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand overlooking the city streets, she spotted a young couple holding hands. The girl was leaning on the boy’s shoulder as they laughed. Lynn forced herself to look away.

Love; it wasn’t fair. She stared into her coffee cup thoughtfully, losing herself in a regular daydream. She pretended the couple on the street was she and Jason. They were parading their love, not only hers, by holding hands so that others could see.

It all started by mistake, back a few months ago at a party. She and Jason had met there, both very drunk. Lynn was depressed, and she confessed all her problems to him. They were mostly about Ryan, her husband and how he showed no affection for her. Jason told her how he had issues with Brenda, his wife. They finished the conversation in his apartment, to say the very least. They both agreed the next morning that it meant nothing. And it didn’t. Not yet anyway.

Weeks went by and they continued their sinful escapades, finding a way to be together one way or another. They were just physical, but the past few weeks had been hell to Lynn. She found herself longing to be with him. She made small gestures like brushing away his hair, holding his hand, and many other simple things she knew were not right.

And if Jason was up, truly up this morning, he would have brushed her hand away like usual. Lynn knew he had no feelings for her by the way he acted towards her. If she mentioned it to him, he’d laugh. But deep down, she knew it’d be the right thing. She wanted to ask him why he didn’t like her. But then again, she already knew. Or, she thought she did. His daughter, his wife, his life; excuses. She knew he’d never leave it, because once she had her feelings out, she knew it’d be over. All over.

Lynn admitted to herself a while ago that she took advantage of their weekly nights together. Lately she had ‘accidentally’ slept in all night, just to be near him. Brenda was away on business usually, his daughter at his parents, and he didn’t seem to care. Ryan would call ahead most nights when he wasn't coming home. A promotion at the office was at stake and overtime looked good to the boss.

Jason seemed unknowing to Lynn’s obvious feelings. Which Lynn didn’t know if she was so fortunate. Who was to say he wouldn’t call it all off after he discovered how she felt? At least he was with her this way. Well, sort of.

She knew, however, that she couldn’t take this pretending much longer. It was hurting her to be with him, and be without him. The words 'I love you' had almost slipped from her lips too many times; she feared the rejection. What to do? Lynn brought the coffee back to her lips and sighed before setting it back on the table, still thinking.

Once she was done with her coffee, she placed the cup in the sink and walked to the bathroom.

Lynn looked into the full-length mirror, staring at her reflection and wondered how many other women he brought home had done the same.

Her soft gray eyes avoided meeting their reflection’s gaze and took in her appearance on the whole. Long slender legs with a flat stomach were hidden behind Jason’s boxers and t-shirt. Her dark brown hair was ruffled, a smirk played across her pink lips. Last night had been amazing.

She longed for a long cool shower, feeling sweaty in this small apartment with no air conditioning. But then again, she thought with another smile, it would be more entertaining with company...

Lynn licked her lips subconsciously and her lustful eyes met their mirror images, staring into each other. Her insides squirmed with excitement; her heart was pounding with the thrill. Yet behind her lustful eyes she knew there was love, her insides were preparing for all the more confusion, and her heart was secretly begging for no more ache.

She tore her eyes away from her reflection, ran a hand through her long hair, and then silently crept down the hall to his bedroom.

Jason was still sleeping soundly and Lynn smiled and slowly walked into the room to her own bedside and crawled beneath the covers. She smiled at him while she lay down, watching him as he slept. Jason sighed into his pillow before mumbling something that sounded like "Adam's not there yet."

He did this often, and over the months Lynn had grown use to it. Sometimes, when she was sure he was sleeping, she would talk to him to see if he would respond. Questions she would never ask if he was truly conscious. But it was difficult. Most of the time he'd mutter "I don't know" and then he'd turn his back on her. Other times he just smiled. But usually he said something ridiculous like "It won't move" or "I can't do it yet."

Lynn decided to test her luck today. She snuggled deeper into the covers, squirming closer to the sleeping Jason. She always held her breath while doing this, afraid that even a breath out of rhythm would wake him. Her eyes scanned his sleeping face and hesitated, like always. If she woke him, which had never happened, what would he say? If she asked the question she was dying to know...

She winced, as she always did.

Coward!

As a test, she reached her hand out to touch his face. Her cold fingers traced up the curve of his nose, across his forehead, and brushed away a few of his dark locks of hair from his cheek. He crinkled his nose at the touch of her cool skin, but then his soft breathing continued.

Safe.

Lynn scooted closer to him, lifted her chin to look up at his closed eyes, and whispered, "Jason?"

"Mmm?" The sound came from deep within his throat.

Lynn dropped her chin, staring at Jason's neck to hold her question. But it would come. It always did.

"Can you tell me something?"

"Mmm."

She smiled. It was hard not to. Had Brenda known how to do this? She doubted it.

"Do you love...me?" She spoke very slow, not wanting the words to come out in a rush. Her pulse quickened.

"Mmm." was the reply.

Lynn sighed, closing her eyes. This was not unusual. He had never given her a real answer anyway. Why did she feel this time would be any different?

Lynn continued to watch Jason's sleeping form, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took. He was probably dreaming something pleasant. His daughter, his work... Lynn swallowed hard, but she couldn't deny it. Maybe he dreamed of Brenda.

She scowled. How dare he have dreams about her when he was haunting another woman's nightmares? A woman, she was sure, loved him like no other? A woman who was with him now?

She smirked. Why would he dream of Brenda when he chose Lynn each time she was gone? He called her as soon as she was out the door, offered to pick her up the second she was out of the parking lot, and was at Lynn's door before her plane took off.

Her fingers followed the lines of his lips and she licked hers with greed. Without a second thought, Lynn climbed out of the covers and straddled Jason's waist. He groaned a little, murmured something, and twisted in the bed. When he realized he couldn't move, his hands fumbled out of the sheets and sought out for the problem. They landed on Lynn's thigh. He sighed a little, still half asleep, and tried to wrench his way out of her grip. When it didn’t work, he put both his arms out to blindly reach for her but Lynn grabbed his hands with hers and quickly interlaced them, pinning them above his head before leaning over and capturing his lips with hers. At first, Jason laid there, letting the kiss linger until Lynn pried his mouth open with her tongue. Only then did he begin to kiss back.

Lynn smirked against his lips as he moaned lightly in pleasure. She let go of his hands above his head and felt as they wrapped around her, willingly pulling her closer to him. Lynn loved and lived for these moments.

She was first to pull away and he grinned, eyes still closed. “That’s a nice way to wake up,” Jason said smirking, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke. He shifted underneath her.

Lynn laughed lightly as she pecked his lips, and then began to kiss down his neck.

He laughed just as light. “What’s gotten into you, Lynn?” he asked her as she got to his collarbone.

Lynn said nothing, hoping to distract him from how obvious she was being. “Lynn-” he started and Lynn sighed, frustrated, and sat up, throwing herself off the bed.

“I’m done!” she announced, throwing her hands in the air.

Jason sat up in his bed slowly and sleepily. His eyes, finally open, were squinted as he ran his hand through his jet-black messy hair. "Done?" Jason rubbed his eyes. "With what?" he asked as he began to take off his covers.

Lynn walked to the corner of the room where her clothes were and started putting them on, frustrated tears brimming her eyes. Jason walked over to her; his blue boxers were the only thing clinging onto his nicely built body, concern written on his face.

"What’s wrong?” he repeated, watching her struggle with putting on her jeans.

“I don’t know...” Lynn said as she slipped her right leg into the left pant leg and then took it back out. “I don’t know- you don’t- I can’t do this!” Lynn shouted throwing the jeans across the room.

Jason stepped closer to her. “Do what?”

Lynn shook her head disbelievingly. “THIS!” she shouted, gesturing to him, herself, and then to his bed. “US! You- you can’t even- even see it!” she spat at him making Jason laugh nervously.

“See what?” he asked.

Lynn rolled her eyes; tears streaming down her face. “Haven’t you seen the way I am with you? God, Jason, I love you. And you don’t even notice?” Lynn huffed before grabbing her shirt and pulling it over her head without a glance at him. “And I’ve never done this before. The whole cheating thing. I’m done! You-” she pushed her head through the hole and was greeted with yet another look of confusion.

“Love me?” Jason said chuckling lightly as he ran his hand through his hair. “I thought-” He gave a frustrated sigh and his brows furrowed, “I thought we were just fuck buddies,” he said uneasily.

Lynn stared at him thinking how stupid this man was. She shook her head with disbelief as she crossed the room to retrieve her jeans. “I have to leave,” she murmured, wiping her tears from her face before walking out of the bedroom.

As Lynn began to open the front door, Jason reached over her shoulder and closed it. Lynn turned around, her eyes burning from crying.

"Open the door, Jason," she told him.

Jason took a step closer to her. She took a step back from him.

“Don’t leave, Lynn,” he said, trying to meet her gaze, but she looked down at the floor.

“Why?” she asked him. “Why should I stay?” She sniffed and brought her eyes level with his. She could see the truth. Lynn scowled at him with disgust, “All you want, Jason, is a fuck buddy.” she said before opening the door and slamming it in his face. She started down the hall in a fast pace... and pressed the elevator button continuously until it opened.

It didn’t surprise Lynn at all that Jason didn’t run after her. He wasn’t the kind of guy that ran after girls... After something worth it. As the elevator doors slid closed, Lynn leaned against the wall sliding her back against it bringing her hands to her face.