Nefes

“I do not cultivate Death, but ennoble Love…”
N. T.
July 23, 2006.

Nefes. (English version)

Music “Lisa Gerrard – Dead Can Dance”

Part 1

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” (Song of Song, part 2, ine 3)

Midday sun stroked eyes. Life was in full swing beyond the window of a mansion in one of the South California cities. Tasty smells of fried popcorn and sausages were wafted from outside. Cobaltic sky without any singular cloudlet betokened hot weather for all day long. The children’s voices, who hurried up to the beach, rang out far somewhere.  Exotic fragrance of the plants grown behind the window, soared in the air. Summer like rustle of leaves on the trees lifted by fresh breeze, fetched gentle conciliation, cast pleasant serenity.
A man dressed in t-shirt and jeans stepped aside from the window. He was engrossed in thoughts; he has run over his light hair. Another day has begun in life of Maximilian Horus, a leader of one of the famous rock-bands called “Current Priorities”.
There was nothing special in the musician’s plans for today; he supposed to work in his studio.

He had a terrible headache.  Cup of makeup coffee and a bottle of mineral water became the only demulcent against post-alcohol syndrome of low spirits. Having lighted up the cigarette, Max made his way to the studio. A doorbell stopped him. “Who the hell has drugged his ass along!”, - he thought crossly. He didn’t want to meet with anybody today, even with friends and colleagues.
Pizza barrow boy turned out unexpected visitor. Max’s girlfriend Elsa, stately blond woman, has rolled away to call on her family, having ordered before a pizza with cheese for her man.
“Well Elsa!”- he thought, closing the door. “She cares for me, little sly girl!” – Max smiled.
He liked to be with her, their relationships are easy, almost not obliging to anything. Now, later ruined unsuccessful marriage and many years of obscure strivings and expectations, something like a calm after tempest, has reigned in soul of forty five years old Maximilian. He doesn’t need to wait for something, he is tired of feeling of everlasting dissatisfaction in love; he has chosen an optimal path - not to load on himself for no reason and simply to live enjoying his life. In this regard, Elsa was an ideal variant. She never asked him about anything, and he didn’t get a move on exposing his soul to her. Having put aside all sentiments and drawing him from youth, illusive desire to cognize that existing ideal feeling, understandable for him only, Max had found distraction in work and joyous parties with his friends.

Max has set to synthesizer; - he had to finish several compositions for series of DJ sets in clubs of New York and Los Angeles. He had been absorbed by work …
In such minutes, his consciousness found itself in a different dimension, where the combinations of complicated synthetic sounds elicited from the instrument, became his true reality. Where notes and chords, being formed the strange harmonic series gave birth to unique melody, created by musical genius of Maximilian Horus. 
* * * * *

Inspiration had been interrupted by mobile phone ringing. It was Jason Lisser, band’s director.
-          Hi, Max! Listen, I’ve got some interesting stuff for you! – Jason spoke heatedly.
-          What stuff? Indeed! You’re hampering me to work! – Max answered with a snarl.
-          I’m sorry, fellow, but … I think you should watch it. Did you hear anything about the Dea Scura organization?
-          I’m neither Goth nor religious orthodox!!!
-          But no, please, listen to me! This is an international sect, which propagates cult of Death. Perhaps, they also worship to a kind of devilish fetishes, but they are not Satanists. They have quite amusing philosophy – they sublime Death to the level of a certain sacred mystery, apotheosis of human existing in the world and in cosmos. Dea Scura has rather widespread network of its branches all over the world.
-          Well! So, why are you telling me about that? And what? The information I’m an active member of that sect has appeared in tabloids? Do you know that I’m scary of all sorts of such devil spirits, don’t you?!!
-          I know it my friend, but you need to watch this, guess… You know what, Max, this is not telephone talking. Let me drive to you, don’t be afraid! I’m not going to spend your time, just will give you this disk and go away.
-          Ok, persuaded, - Max felt to be drown into a corner, and he had no any other choice, just to resign himself to the Lisser’s pressure.
* * * * *
Jason came into the hall and found Horus, sitting in the arm –chair, eating Elsa’s pizza and drinking it after customary bottle of beer.
-          Where is a girlfriend?  - Jason asked ingratiatingly.
-          Gone to her sweet mom! Do you want a pizza? – Max has appetizingly licked off his fingers. He was calm, in merry mood. Warm south sun played in his green eyes, and face shone in the very famous smile of Maximilian Horus, that made mad half of female part of the “Current Priorities” fans. “Should I show him this?” - thoughts swept over the Lisser’s head, - “Our Max is so sensible and vulnerable, - who knows, what effect will produce on him this video?”. But it was too late to recede.
-          And what did you want to show me?  - Horus has smiled contentedly.
-          You know, Max, short prelude. One of the facets of the Dea Scura organization’s activity is that they help hopeless people to leave this world of their free will.
-          O my God! – Horus nearly choked.  – And one of their “decent” deeds has been retained here, I guess! But why the hell must I watch this?!!
-          Max, listen. Yes, this stuff is illegal and just for keeping this you can be cooked up charges in the police. Actually, they are very careful and do not admit a fact of leaking of their rituals. Nevertheless, eventually, some leftist spy, who could steal a video tape, has been found there.  You’re right. Do you know, what is recorded here?  - Lisser showed usual laser disk. – Here is detailed reproduction of one woman’s ending.  They have a tradition, for “help to die” they took huge amount of money from their clients – self-murderers, but special contract is compiled with those, who has no funds. Full-length video recording of their assassination… that is, their voluntarily assassination is made. However, this is not yet everything. Do you know that there is particular kind of twisted people, who get pleasure from contemplating all this with their own eyes, don’t you? As a rule, the clients, an audience, who wish to watch this performance, are always found in such cases. They pay great money to see it. In short, this is a business with big rotation of funds. What is the most terrifying? Such rituals are growing to be exotic and fashionable entertaining among elite in various countries. But this is not finish. Generally, majority of self – murderers prefer relatively smooth going from life. They consider overdose of morphine and wrist slashing, as the most popular and easy ways.
-          Gosh! Stop it! I can’t hear it any longer! What a shit! Why should I watch it?!! I don’t give a crap about all these perverts, either clients or customers! – Maximilian angrily turned aside his head. 
- Max, please listen to the end and you will understand why I do insist on your watching this video. As I said before, the gazers of this “show” are very rich people, sometimes well-known politicians, businesspersons, journalists. In most cases, they are highly cynical and curious. Do you know, why morphine and vein cutting? Be because a person is dying not at once, slowly. He is living yet, not so long he is able to think and speak, and then he is fading away little by little… During this time, any one who wishes may ask him a question, and another, according to contract is obliged to answer. The questions can be of all types; - dying person answers until the moment he is able to speak.
-          Good Heavens! What connection I am in?!!
-          You know, that woman on the video… she was talking about herself, her life… And she was your admirer, Max. She talked about you. She … she… loved you…, -  Lisser didn’t finish a phrase.
-          What?! Did she love me?!! Aha…, it seems that I understand… her love to me was unrequited and unreal, that’s why she decided to cut her veins. Don’t you think, it’s trivial to sickness, do you?! – cynical grimace distorted Max’s face.
-          She was persuasive enough… Love was for her …
-          God! What love are you talking about, Jason?!!  - Horus jumped up his place and started to walk up and down like a tiger in the cage.  – She did love me!
Ha –ha –ha!!! I have never seen her!!!
“You have never seen her. Who knows, who knows…”,  - Lisser turned over his mind. Nevertheless, said nothing.
-          And why should I feel myself guilty for some stupid girl with inferiority complex, who decided to go from life? What do they know about love! What do they know about me! Why they so like to worm themselves into my confidence?!!! How it’s possible to love somebody, whom you never talked with, whom you absolutely didn’t know, whom you never slept with, at least?!!! All her notion about me is kept within collection of audio – disks and visiting several concerts! It’s so silly!

Horus has stood by the window. Having enfolded his face in arms, he stared at a single spot and fell silent. They reopened his old wounds again, allowing parting pain at its full capacity to flare up in his soul. He passed his hands over his hairs, and then folded his arms.
Lisser was familiar with Max’s state, when he suddenly had shrunk into his shell. And anyone, either his closest friend Alex, or band’s frontman Eddy, or keyboardist Pit Moreno, or even Lisser himself weren’t able to drag out Max from that numbness. He could be in such state for several minutes, and then, not saying anything, could go away exactly amidst working, or discussing important things.
Horus managed with this minute’s prostration. He has wearily set down on armchair.
-          Twenty five years of career, hundreds of women, who has passed through my hands and not only hands. You should know how many I’ve got them: pretty and not so much, good and bad, intelligent and silly! Some of them say that they love, suffer, die, but all this is a sheer freak, a fairy tale made up by them! All we zealously wish something unattainable, but their feelings are imposed not by need of human spirit, but by usual vanity! I had enough all these fans snotty ravings – “Oh, Max! You are an angel in the flesh, kind genius, you are so unhappy! I would comfort you be cause I am your dream, who can estimate your personality and outstanding talent at true worth! ”. But did any one ask me?!! Do I need in their insincere concerns! Well. All my life I have been seeking for love that I was reading in books about. But I have grown. And now I’m happy, you now, at first time, for many years! And I like life. I’m bothered to suffer for silly womens’ sake, who more willingly would see in me drunk loser! Of course! In this case, each of them gets a chance, after all! But I believe in destiny! And I handle it by myself. I have my own idea about love and it gave me everything – both life and inspiration, thanks God! But not love, just  dissatisfied pretensions I saw in fanatic girls, who was ready jump to my bed, solely be cause I am Maximilian Horus, famous musician, and not just simple Ben or Sam from neighbor street.

Lisser took bocal with beer and made deep sip. He came up to Max and pulled his friend’s unruly chevelure.
- Jas! I’m so tired of it! I’m tired of myself! When I was young, I had mocked on public as I could do. But, being out of it, I frankly cried and howled of that mental anguish in minutes of endless loneliness! But now, the pain has gone deep inside, my tears dried up and now I have to draw them on my face with silver paint, making from it usual farce to support my trade brand of such always suffering Pierrot!     
Lisser realized he has touched a sensitive point.
-          I understand you, Max! Do you think I wouldn’t know all this, when I had been keeping that flow of womens’ meat, forced your way after concerts? That’s not the point, and she is not either, what is her name… forgot. A danger is in that; this video appears in net any day now, and is available for millions. You must be ready for it, in spite of the fact that Police and FBI have tackled the matter in real earnest. In brief, take this disk, and then, get rid of it.
-          Jas, but it’s not my fault she‘s done away with herself! I heard about such cases, but wasn’t inclined to believe it. You know, why? My music and I are in no connection with it, simply there are many unhealthy people in the world, to put it mildly, and I’m not guilty that they perceive me in a bit wrong way, than they should do. As for those girls… I’m sorry about them, of course, but it’s foolish, you see, foolish… I feel really sorry for them, sorry for their spiritual and ethical infirmity! Yes. They are just pitiful and poor, all those frustrated women. It would be better if they give birth to children, at least this is sort of pastime for their downcast living!
-          No one blames you, Max. Just watch this video and do away with it.
-          But I do not want to watch it, Jas…, - he raised his eyes on the director; unfeigned entreaty was felt in this puppy like look.
Jason intently gazed at musician. “Poor Max, what kinds of news he used to learn during his career!” - he smiled.
- Though, you may not to watch! Decide by yourself, just destroy disk. See you later, Dude! I have a lot of to do today, bye!           
Jason closed the door in a hall.

Max kept on sitting in the armchair. Having drawn at cigarette, he continuously watched at little sparkling round disk, left by boring and assertive Lisser. “Why me? Why exactly me?! Yes, it’s quite flattering of course, but… not to such extent! ”, - he tried convince himself not to watch that ill –fated video, but tiny worm of a banal curiosity more and more  stirred in him. “What did she look like, what eyes she had, what figure, who was she, at least…? ”, - his mind was bearing monsters in the form of question marks.
Finally, he has risked.
-          Lisser is right, after all! I must watch it, for no other reason than to keep my head and to be able to repulse journalists, - using this line of reasoning, he put the disk into record –player.
Electronic beast absorbed lambent circle of laser disk. Short –sighted Max took a sit closer to TV- set screen for better seeing...
** * * *

if you are interested, full text of the story is here:

http://www.proza.ru/texts/2006/12/13-237.html