WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, 1

WHEN THE GODS WALKED THE EARTH, part 1

By Siromah

Draft 2

“Many, many years ago”, Dan said, “ when the gods on Mount Olympus become overwhelmed with boredom, they would descend to Earth to hunt wild animals or have love affairs with humans. One day, a son was born to a mighty king. So happy was the king he commanded celebrations kingdom-wide. For the ordinary folks, long wooden tables were set in the park by the palace. Gods, kings and nobles were invited to a feast in the throne-hall. Dozens of jugglers, lissome dancers, fire-eaters and jesters were invited to entertain the noble guests. Weeks before the banquet; kings with their retinues, noble knights with their pages, merchants rich, soldiers brave, adventurers, and folk of ordinary stock began to fill the greens with their tents. To the king’s amazement, even decrepit deaf dotards would mount their donkeys, lash them with their whips, stripping off enough hide for nine pairs of sandals, and head for the party.
“ Your Majesty,” the king financial adviser Diogen the Keg approached, bowing as much as the keg around him allowed. Diogen was a starving philosopher, king Tubby discovered on the beach of deserted Greek island. Actually the king was looking for Avichena, but the famous doctor was spending more times on Mount Olympus, than on Earth. “ What do you want?” the king hardly was holding his tummy, looking down at the man. Diogen was naked, except keg around his waist. “ Nothing,” Diogen scratched his bold head and added, “ just move out of the sun. You are making a shadow on me!” King Tubby laughed so hard, so he immediately offered the starving philosopher the job of personal advisor. Anyhow, back to our story.
“ Your majesty, “ Diogen bowed, “ the hungry peasants are arriving like a vultures on carcass! We are running out of tables to put them on…”
“ How many?”
Diogen was practical man and instead of slave to take care of his records, he was using his keg as a notebook and calculator. “ Well,” he had to play the role of archeologist was trying his best to understand the scrambling on his keg. The rain half-washed the chalk and turned the writing of Diogen into unreadable Hieroglyphs. “ Hm, what I can see is only three “ 6”. His arm shook, when he showed the sky. “The number of the beast! It’s the end of days! Its coming!”
The king had to slap him few time, but he was like a statue of an overthrown dictator he didn’t want to came down. Luckily king Tubby was in the Royal Sumo Wrestling Team and finally he was able to bring the philosopher on the ground.
“ Shut up! Shut up or I will send you back on the island, where I found you!”
Diogen remembered the misery on the island and fell in the front of the king. “ You father, you mother. Have a mercy on me!” He started to kiss his legs, even licked his big toe.
The king fell something tickling him and his anger left him at once. “ So how many peasants arrived?”
Diogen licked his dry lips, not knowing what to say. He run to the park (actually he was spinning inside his keg) crying as much as his vocal cord allowed him. “ Watch out. Coming trough. Watch outtt!” One stubborn nobleman didn’t move out of the way and Diogen crushed into him, tearing apart his silk clothes. Luckily for Diogen his keg withhold the collusion. His luck finished here, because the nobleman grabbed him and dragged him to the court. “ Your Honor,” the nobleman started his offensive speech. His name was Note Shaver and his business was to lend money to poor people. “ This wretch here tore apart my holiday clothes. They cost 100 Gold pieces. “
The judge was an orderly man in the size of thumb. His name was Thumbolino and his head was sharp like a raiser. “ Well we will he whose fault is it! Tell me,” he asked Diogen, “ didn’t you see the nobleman?”
Diogen was silent like a fruitfully.
“ Is he mute or something?” the judge asked.
“ No, your honor. He was crying as loud as he could “ Watch out. Coming trough.”
The judge laughed and dismissed the case. Diogen run out like a Tasmanian devil and started to count the folk from the ordinary stock. Every time he saw a peasant, he moved aside a hair from his beard. After while he run out of hairs and he rolled back to the king. He tried to get inside the Amphitheater, but the two guards stop him. “ Only Avichena or the king are allowed here!”
Avichena assembled a new diet for king Tubby. The king used a live gladiator as dummy. Of cost the gladiator sword and shield wasn’t real (it was made for the theater) and it was holding just enough, so the king would burn the recommended calories. At the end king Tubby would stubbed the gladiator in the gold-bladder and collected all the gold that would pour out.
“ So,” the king wiped out the blood from his blade.” What’s the number?”
Diogen asked himself if was for good that he accepted the job. “ Well,” he coughed, mumbling something under his nose.
“ I didn’t hear you!” cried the king and advanced toward the philosopher.
“ There as much peasants at the park as hairs in my beard!”
The king frowned and looked down from his window.
“ I don’t believe you! There is not enough hair in your beard for every peasant in the green!”
“ I have more than enough! I even have more hair in my beard, than stars in the sky”
“ If is not truth, I will shorten you with one head!” said the king and personally started to count the hears in his beard. “ One, two, eleven, one thousand and one…”
The whole night passed but the king wasn’t finish even with half it.
“ Your majesty,” Diogen yawned from boredom and scratch his forehead. “ I can help you to finish it faster.”
“ What do you want me to do?”
“ Just bend a little and close your eyes!”
Digen had hidden one improvise club in his keg (in the old days he was using it to scratch his back or to mix the wine). One treacherous idea came up in his mind and he decided to use it.
“ Is this ok?” king Tubby asked.
“ Perfect!” Diogen laughed and waived the club. The club almost annihilated a colony of lice. The poor little thing where political prisoners, running away from the crazy kingdom of Babacumba. Only three of them, who were familiar with the law of natural selection, were able to survive.
“ Wow!” the king was so prod of himself. “ I am greater astronomer than Kopernik!”
When the other astronomers was using devises to see the stars and they was able to see it only during the night, the king saw it with a naked eyes.
“ Falling star, falling star!” king Tubby jumped from happiness.
“ Make a wish!” Diogen said. “ It’s a lucky star!”
The king made wish, not knowing that the bump on his head blossom and strange flower with blackthorn leafs gave a fruit. Let now leave the fruit to the bees and go back to our story.

“ So was the king able to count the peasants?” asked Ivan.
“ I don’t know if he was able to count them, I know only that the hit from the club or the bees made him smarter than before. And maybe little more stingy.
“Let the peasants sit on the grass,” frowned king Tubby.” They should be happy. Alas they have free food. And none is asking for food stamps!”
Food stamp was a great invention of Diogen. He was so lazy to go to the kitchen to get his food. Instead…”
“ Hold down!” Ivan frowned, rising his eyebrow. “ You want me to swallow that? I told you I will treat you at the pastry shop if you tell me some nice story, but I won’t take this non sense!”
Dan looked at the fat boy and smile “ Well, I can tell that you are not picky with your food. “
“ Even bear don’t dance on hungry stomach, smiled Ivan…”
“ Well”, Dan pretended that he didn’t hear his friend and continued, “so instead going to the kitchen, he put his name on piece of paper and send one doltish peasant to bring him the dinner. The king loved his idea so much, so he printed the first Food stamps. Some greedy merchants would take advantage of the drunken peasants and trade their food stamps for tokens for the nude bars, but that was other story.
“ So what you suggest?” king Tubby, touched with love the three hears that was growing freely on his head. He tried to push it down but the last surviving hairs where so naughty and it would never listen. Actually wasn’t them, who was bad; the naughty one was the three little lice. Their names was Franco The Mob, Chucky Cheese and Leonardo the Genius. Leonardo the Genius was an inventor and he made surfing boards from the dandruff of the king. Every day from morning to evening the three little lice would surf on the king’s hair. From overused his hair become so thin and eventually only three hears left. “ What we would do now?” Frank the Mob asked. “ Well we can visit the island kingdom of Babacumba. I hear they have waves, high as Licezila.”
Licezila was a giant lice, returned from the shadow kingdom of Hades.
“ Well, lets go!” The three little lice left their residence and run … like the wind. Run Leonardo. Run Franco! Run Chuky! The waves are waiting for you!
After a week on the beautiful beaches of Babacumba ( riding not only the waves but also the local babes) , the three little lice felt homesick. “ I missed out nest!” Leonardo said and almost cried.” I want to go back home!” The three little lice took the Lice Track Express and few hours late arrived home. “ Someone laid in my bed!” cried Chucky. Leonardo rushed toward his bed and cried loud “ In mine too!”
Franco the Mob locked the door and pulled out his gun ” None is getting alive from here!”
“ Here is the marauder!” Leonardo cried triumphal.
“ You, what you doin here?” ask Franco the Mob with Sicilian accent.
The fat tick almost jumped from the bed, when saw the gun in his face. “ Don’t shut! I am the plumber. I almost passed out from the sewage fumes and took a little map!”
“ Oho, sleeping on the job!” Leonardo smiled. “ I want so see what your supervisor would say!”
“ Pour little lice! I feel so sorry for you! You don’t know that the mayor is my cousin?”
The lice opened his mobile phone and dial 311. “ Give me the mayor Stanley… Aha…Ok.”
Five minutes later 5 lice with a city badge were standing inside the house of three little lice. “ I

see here at list 32 violations!” one of the inspectors said. “ I am shutting this place down!” said

the second one. The three little lice stood by the door and wept silently. Was nothing they could

do. The old inspector was no one but Scrooge Almighty himself. Nothing could soften his heart.

Even Fabreze.
Anywhere, back to our story.
“ We should start as soon as possible, cried out Diogen the Keg.” These hungry mice will eat our ears…
“ Well, let the peasants start the celebrations than. If they run out of food, they can suck down naked bones!”
“ What is holding the Gods so long?” asked Diogen. “ I can’t understand that. Usually they are the first to arrive!”
“ Maybe something happen to them, interrupted Ivan. Maybe Zeus did let them to go to the party.”
“ I don’t know what happen, but king Tubby decided to go ahead and proceed with the festival.
The peasants were so hungry, they didn’t wait for other invitation. The rabble were struggling to swallow the stale dark bread and the stringy meat, washing them down with the sour red wine, that more resemble vinegar, than real wine. In same time in the palace the kings and their noble attendants were treated to a lavish dinner. You could only dream the food that was served: steaming, fragrant bread, roasted piglets – no older than three months, with red apples stuck into their mouths, their tender meat melting on the palate, partridges stewed with mushrooms and quail eggs, freshly salted bonitos, smoked herrings, spicy frog legs in salsa served with diced potatoes, delicious lamb brains, and even rarities such as caviar...”
“ Your killing me!” Ivan slammed his hand on the table. “ Cut this part short, will you? Get to the chase, Dan. Give me the story!

Dan pushed his spectacles up to the bridge of his nose and signed. “Okay then. So, anything you can think of, it was served at that abundant banquet. Better, now? While the noble guests were feasting, skillful jugglers displayed their sleight of hand. The feasters gasped when the king’s brother turned into a hog and came out of the huge garbage can in the corner.
Lissome dancers in transparent veils twirled into the hall. “ Dan smiled, when he saw his friend licking his dry lips. “ Hungry chicken dream for corn,” he laughed.
Ivan looked at him furiously, but Dan ignored him and continued with the story. “Those heads were not yet spinning from the wine went giddy with their graceful dances. A group of fire-eaters appeared. They were so hungry they even ate the flames of the torches illuminating the throne hall. When the dessert was served, a gang of jesters started throwing cakes at each other. “
“ Hey!” Ivan barked. “ That’s Silent movies. You want me to believe that?”
“ And you think, I made up for you? “ Dan frowned. “ Well, believe me or not, that was the first cake battle in the history of mankind. When all feasters were stuffed with food, soaked with wine and smeared all over with icing, the king raised his fingers into the mid-air and announced the feats completed. Since than if anyone in the kingdom wanted to say something, they had to rise their fingers. King Tubby dashed under the table like a fish in the ocean. His crown rolled down the thick carpet all the way to the opposite wall. A doltish servant thought it was a wheel and placed a tray on it. He rolled the tray up and down the table and the dirty dishes were piled onto it. That was the invention of the first rolling tray in history. “
Ivan narrowed his eyes. “ Another of your non sense. You expect me to swallow that? Dan shrugged, “The technology was borrowed 2000 years later by an unscrupulous American inventor who patented the conveyor belt. Look it up. In fact, the conveyor belt had been invented in ancient times as a dirty dish-transporting device. Anyway...

Three days passed in eating, drinking and rushing to the Royal Evacuatory (a bucket of water with some soap of the Little Orange Riding Hood brand).”
“ Little Orange Riding Hood?”
“ You are right, Ivan,” Dan said. “ Some of the guests complained and insisted that the finer brand Snow-White & the Eight Dwarfs be supplied. A real dwarf was supplied instead: the royal jester who was small and humpbacked; he boasted not one but two hunches. Some of the guests argued that dwarfs were not supposed to have hunches but the jester’s ones were removable anyway. When he had been sent on a specialization to the dwarfs’ house (learning how to polish diamonds on the job and pawing Snow-White in his spare time), he had equipped himself for a hunched image, should Snow-White’s friends turn out to be hunchbacks. Double-hunch dwarfs were as rare as nine-headed dragons. Of course, the jester also had the option to throw off the hunches and join the dwarf socialist movement. Ever since King Baldhead had launched the perestroyka in the neighboring kingdom,”
“ Hold down, Dan. Are you lost your mind?
“ No, why?
Ivan lowered his voice and almost whispered. “ You know if someone hear us, what we are talking, we will get in real troubles. “
Dan stood up and looked around. “ It’s deserted. Don’t be sissy. So, since King Baldhead had launched the perestroyka in the neighboring kingdom, those dwarfs had suspended their communist party membership and had declared themselves socialists. Being a socialist was the latest fad there... Anyway, back to our story.

On the fourth day of the festivals, the king organized a hunt. All noble guests as well as the gods were invited. The Minotaur was taken out of the royal zoo. It had the monstrous head of a wild boar with giant tusks, and human legs. He was closely related to the centaur: a half-human, half-equine creature. The Minotaur was the king’s skeleton in the closet: having once overindulged in drinking, the queen missed the door of the royal bedroom and went to the royal sty instead. The Minotaur was the result of that unfortunate blunder.
“ Hold down,” interrupted Ivan. “ I am not stupid. I thought the Minotaur has a head of bull? Or this is different kind of Minotaur?
Dan smiled like a Devil and laughed “ What do you expect if the queen shagged with the … royal pigs?”
“ I see now.”
“He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the hand of my daughter in marriage,” the king announced.

All guests turned to gaze at Princess Pumpkin. Strangely enough, her name was Pumpkin, although she rather resembled a head of cabbage that had been kicked about quite a while. Or maybe little more. Anyway, the princes and the nobles started scratching their heads absent-mindedly, and picking their noses, probably in the hope of finding rubies, opals or other precious stones. Some started a dig site for diamonds, because it was forever. While they were probing their noble nostrils, the king realized he ought to boost Princess Pumpkin’s market value.

“He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the hand of Princess Pumpkin in marriage, and a roasted pumpkin!”

The guests went on scratching their heads, for none of them was overly keen on pumpkins.

The king found himself in a quandary. Despite all his efforts to find a fiancé for his daughter, Princess Pumpkin was as lonely a bee as ever. Finding a drone had proved a hard task lately, for all drones were extremely busy. They were attending no less than half a dozen lectures on Marxism-Leninism daily. One of them had even embraced Stalinism and had attempted to install a dictatorship on the little island of Babacumba.
“Princess Pumpkin and a pumpkinful of diamonds, rubies and emeralds,” the queen announced.

After that memorable night at the royal sty, she had become markedly more resourceful and sharp-witted. The king gave her the control over the Ministry of Finance and the Royal Reserve. The wise queen founded the First Trade Bank that later developed into the International Monetary Bank which granted loans to poorer kingdoms. If they failed to pay back, the Bank would send repo men with impressive midsections and even more impressive big clubs. They used their clubs to squeeze whatever they could from ordinary folk, and if someone failed to deliver, he was dispatched promptly by the Flying Dutchman Express Airmail Service to Muka. Muka inhabitants were ordinary folks from the far away eastern kingdoms, known for their attempts to build communism, but as they used sand as building material, their sand castles would collapse at the end of the day and they would start again the following morning... Hence the expression “Mukan sand castles”, meaning something short-lived...

The Minotaur, who had never before seen such a crowd, was scared and started weeping in a human voice.

“Mummy, I want home,” he cried.
“ To the queen?” Ivan asked.
Dan nodded. “ but no one actually guessed why. The noble guests thought the monster had wetted himself in fear, and needed to go to the royal bathroom. It was hunting time, though, and the poor Minotaur was refused even that minor earthly pleasure. The king, a secret admirer of the Marquis de Sade, kicked the Minotaur viciously, and his boot’s high heel sank painfully in the beast’s behind. His boots was made by Gusachi himself and had 12 inches high heel. The Minotaur gave an almost human scream and took to flight towards the forest. Before the stunned nobles had managed to mount their noble mares, the Minotaur disappeared in the thickness of the forest, never to be seen again.

Suddenly, shouts were heard in front of the palace:

“Don’t torture the beast!”

“Don’t kill the Minotaur!”

“Better naked than in furs!”

These were the nobles’ wives, chanting and jumping about naked.
“ Wow. I like that”, Ivan smiled and his eyes shined like of fox when seen a lost chicken. “ All naked ah?”
“ Well, there was some fish netting, but not much. The nobles forgot about the hunt and dashed in pursuit of the beautiful nymphs. The hunt was a complete failure, and the first ever movement of animal defenders had a smashing success.

“He who kills the Minotaur shall win the hand of Princess Pumpkin in marriage, and three pumpkinfuls of rubies and diamonds...,” Queen Pate screamed in a desperate attempt to save the hunt.

“A-hem, and a kiss from Queen Pate,” King Tubby put in.

“Three pumpkinfuls of gems and a kiss from the Queen’s lips,” the jester repeated, brandishing his scepter.

We still remember that the king and the jester were so look alike, almost like two beans. His name was Marisko and the only difference with the king was his hunchback. Actually it wasn’t a real hunchback. The only reason he had it, so he could join the Union of the Court Jesters. The king was the only one who know about the hunchback and sometime he dressed like the jester, so he could see what the people think about him. King Tubby loved to play practical jokes on his nobles, they thought he was the jester and gave him a few good kicks in his royal behind. This is why the king was in the habit of padding his pants with a small cushion, which acted as a royal shield when, need be.

The new offer stirred the nobles to action. Their eyes brightened up; whether with passion or with greed, it was hard to tell. Queen Pate’s lips had made her the winner of the prestigious Most Erotic Kiss pageant several years in succession. Her lucky husband was universally envied. Rumors went that the queen’s lips were as soft as silk. Some said they were as sweet as honey; others, that they were as hot as flames; still others, that they had the flavor of wild mint and were as seductive as a nymph’s…In reality, anyone who dared touch the queen’s lips was promptly beheaded. Despite that, even many of the Olympian gods were secretly in love with Queen Pate. They had to be discreet about their feelings, however, because their wives the goddesses were extremely jealous and would fly into a rage at the news of such love affairs. Their eyes flashed lightning bolts no one could survive. The unfortunate godly womanizer was reduced to a smoking pile of ashes. After a few unfortunate gods had suffered that fate, the surviving fans of Queen Pate rushed to Hephaestus the god of fire and fell on their knees before him.

“We beg you,” they pleaded with their eyes full of tears. “Make shields for us, or we’re history!”

“What shall I get in return,” the god of forge asked.

“Well,” stammered the gods, unable to come up with a solution.

Being gods, they had everything one could possibly have… everything except the Hesperides’ nine apples.

“Make us shields and we’ll get you an apple from the Hesperides’ garden!”

“Deal,” the blacksmith god agreed and started hammering.

The apples from the Hesperides’ gardens had amazing magical powers. They could transform the ugliest human or god into a quintessential of beauty, comparable only to Apollo. The god of fire had goat’s legs, a hump and a horned head, and was invariably the other Olympians’ object of ridicule. No goddess, no river-dwelling nymph, no mermaid in the sea, no fairy would yield to the goatish god’s advances. Thus, when he was badly in need of a lay, he had to go down to Earth and seek the services of harlots. A fine piece of jewelry would get him the desired female attention. This is actually how the first brothels were created. The god of fire was by that time fed up with paid love and dreamed of having a home and a family. His ugliness, however, was a major obstacle...

Queen Pate’s admirers left Hephaestus busy with the forging of the shields, and headed for the Hesperides’ gardens. They were guarded by vicious Lamia.”
“ Hold down, boy!” Ivan frowned. I thought that Cerberus is the guard to the gardens of the Hesperides!

“ Cerberus was already retired and decided to try as back singer in new popular band “ Who let

the dogs out. ”Actually he wasn’t a bad animal like everyone thought , he just wanted to be a

famous musician. Once he barked “ New York, New York” in the front of three dog jury for the

popular “ Animal Idol “ contest. One of the judges was a mean Chihuahua with funny looking

fur and even more funny accent from a far away Southern kingdom. She told him, that he has

most fake voice amongst not all living things, but also the dead and the ghosts. That was the last

worlds of the unfortunately jury, but was also the end of Cerberus musical carrier. “ Maybe you

should try in the opera!” told him this cousin, the wolf named Puchini. “ I am a conductor and all

my musicians are sheep. “ “ Great idea,” said Cerberus and applied for the famous Milano scala.

Unfortunately for Cerberus, he didn’t have the required Roman citizenship for the job (he held

only the Greek citizenship)and his application only hold dust on the bureau of the bureaucrat

from Human resources. So finally Cerberus decided to try his carrier as a rock-star musician. In

his place Zeus put monstrous Lamia instead. The Lamia had the head and torso of a woman,

enormous dragon wings with iron claws and lower half of her body was serpent. Her weakness

was children, she would consume them grilled, baked and fried. “

“ You are disgusting!” Ivan interrupted him. “ How could you say something like that!”

“Well, it a true.” Protested Dan. ” She was a real cannibal. “

“ Yea, right. Just like baba Yaga, I bet.”

Dan nodded and added, “Actually, she had also a dangerous erotic appetite for men.

Back to our story. The Gods hide in the bushes and waited for Lamia to fell asleep.

Every time she would fell sleepy, she would pill a piece of her snake skin from her chest and

chewed it.”

Ivan hold his stomach tightly, almost ready to puke. “ Ewww, you are nasty man!”

“ He, hehe. “ Dan laughed. “ Actually was really testy. Just like a menthol gam.”

“ Yes, like a Tic-Tack.”

“ Exactly!” smiled Dan. “ The Lamia was obsessed with her breath. She wanted her breath to be menthol-fresh.

“ How the Gods would get in?” wondered Ivan.

“ Well, they were so desperate, so they start to pluck their hair.
“ How?” Ivan wandered. “ One by one or all together?”
“ I got no clue. I know that they plucked so much hairs, enough to knit ropes for the entire Greek navy. The Goods didn’t want to be accused in discrimination and they equipped the Persian navy too. Finally one of them jumped and exclaimed, “ I know how. Eros the gods’ messenger will help us!”

The naughty young god’s arrows had unusual powers. Those hit by them fell immediately and desperately in love. The object of their feelings might be ugly, disgusting, with a foul breath, lame, one-eyed, hunchbacked, crippled or imbecile, but through the eyes of love he or she looked beautiful, with a breath of mint, a voice like the spring breeze, the body of Apollo and the wisdom of Athena. Anyway, after searching for a while, the gods finally found the mischievous
archer and sighed with relief.

“Our sweetest, dearest friend,” they began, falling on their knees before him.

“Okay, okay,” the boy frowned. “How come that everyone asks for my services? Did anyone ever ask if I wanted anything?”

He raised his bow and shot an arrow into Lamia’ heart. It flared with love. The first creature the serpent - women saw a moment later was a mule grazing idly by the Hesperides’ gardens. In the eyes of the love-filled, he looked like a magnificent dragon with scarlet scales and peacock-blue eyes.

“Now watch the horsefly,” laughed Eros and opened a small box.

Eros was a mischievous fellow who enjoyed playing practical jokes on gods and mortals alike.

The mule gave a loud neigh and galloped off, the amorous Lamia in his wake.

“Have no fear my love,” Lamia cried out passionately and spread her enormous wings. “I won’t hurt you! How could I ever hurt my sweet beloved with the bluest eyes!”

Indeed, to her he was the most beautiful creature there ever was, the most fragrant flower in all nature. Never for an instant did she realize that her sweetheart was a shortsighted, lame old mule with few teeth left and fur, cultivate by a colony with noble laces. By the way, this is the origin of the phrase “love is blind”. Now let leave Lamia was trying to catch her sweetheart, so she could give him a big hug, why not even a kiss for Saint Valentine’s Day and see what happen to the gods. The gods who were in love with Queen Pate sneaked into the garden and stole a few apples.

When they went back to Hephaestus, their shields were ready and waiting for them. The gods gave Hephaestus an apple and he ate it right away. Ugly as he was, not even the magic apple could make him as handsome as Apollo, but at least it attenuated his ugliness and turned one of his goat’s legs into a shapely human leg.”
“ What about Hephaestus other hoof?” asked Ivan.
“Very simple”, nodded Dan. “ He arrived at a solution quickly: he hid his ugly leg in the folds of a magnificent toga. He scrutinized his reflection in the mirror surface of a shield and, evidently satisfied, rushed out of his smithy and down to earth.

He spent a week spying on a mermaid who was swimming by the Isle of Bliss. His heart was overflowing with love. He finally appeared on the shore, covered by his toga, only his shapely leg exposed.

“Sweet Violet of the Seas,

My fair lady,

Come to the shore,

To your sweetheart’s call,” he sang.

The priestesses of love later adopted his stance.

Here Dan stopped and looked at Ivan smiling mysteriously. “ You, inexperienced lover-boy, if you ever encounter a butterfly of the night with one of her thighs exposed, do not rush for her. You should first look inside the folds of her skirt whether her other leg is not a goat!

The mermaid responded to Hephaestus’ love call and came to the surface.

“What are you hiding there?” she asked, for she was an exceptionally curious mermaid, and before the god could stop her, she lifted off his toga.

“Oh no!” Hephaestus cried desperately and limped away. His toga fell off, revealing his hairy goat’s leg.

“You hairy goat!” the mermaid laughed. “Baa-baa!”

She laughed and laughed and couldn’t stop until her fish’s tail split in the middle. She screamed and rushed to the bottom of the sea where her father Poseidon, the god of the sea, lived in a huge coral palace. He stitched the mermaid’s split tail with two crabs and she was again able to swim.

“Where is the chief security officer,” Poseidon shouted angrily.

“Here I am, Master,” a jellyfish replied.

“Where have you been you scoundrel,” the god of the sea roared. “What did I want you to do? You had a single job: the princesses’ safety! How did you do your job? You left Princess Violet alone in the face of danger and see what happened! Death is what you deserve! Executioners!”

The sharks came up.

“You know your job.”

“You,” the king then addressed an elderly octopus, “as of today, you are appointed as chief security officer in charge of my daughters’ safety. Remember what happened to your predecessor in this post and watch out, or you may come to the same end!”

“I will guard the princesses like my own tentacles,” the octopus promised.

“You’d better do that,” Poseidon frowned. “You’d better do that!”

Back to our gods, they were trying to sneak out of the Olympus but their wives were on the alert. The flame of revenge flared in their eyes, and as soon as the first god had slipped out of the giant copper gates, a bolt of lightning hit him in the back. The adulterous husband was reduced to a pile of ashes.

Terrified, the gods rushed back to Hephaestus’ smithy. They found him angry and frustrated.

“I want another apple,” he demanded. “With this leg,” and Hephaestus uncovered his ugly goat’s hoof, “I’ll be a laughingstock for all creatures of the sea!”

“Make us second shields to cover our backs and we’ll give you another apple,” the gods promised.

Hephaestus rolled up his sleeves and grabbed the bellows. An hour later the gods had the much desired shields, and the smith got another apple. Hephaestus ate it quickly and waited eagerly for the result. Indeed, a well-shaped one replaced his ugly goat’s leg. Hephaestus now boasted perfect thighs that could make even the goddess of love Aphrodite green with envy. His only drawbacks left were his hunch and his horns. He covered his upper body with his robe, and headed for the shore where the mermaids were swimming.

“Star of the Sea,

My fair lady,

Respond to my call,

Come to the shore,” he sang passionately, swaying his shapely hips.

Immediately, a curious mermaid came to the surface and swam up to him to take a better look. His graceful legs amazed her: herself, she had an ugly fish tail, and only in her dreams did she have such legs! She swam to the shore and they started kissing, Hephaestus melting like wax at the mermaid’s passionate embraces, but she suddenly discovered his hunch.

“Hunchback! I thought I was kissing an Apollo but I was kissing a Humpy- Dumpy instead. She stopped for second thinking for a rime

Humpy- Dumpy on the beach
You are ugly like a leach!

She laughed, and laughed, and laughed until her tail split right in the middle.

Frustrated, Hephaestus limped back to his smithy, while the mermaid rushed to her gather Poseidon’s coral palace. The king of the sea wondered why his daughter Star of the Sea had come back with her tail split just a couple of hours after the same had happened to her sister, Violet of the Sea. “
“ I know what he did!” triumphal cried out Ivan. He promptly stapled her tail with three crabs.”
“ I’m so sorry. I almost forgot you are the noble professor I know everything. ” Dan laughed and continued.
“ Poseidon called the chief security officer in charge of the princess’ safety. The unfortunate octopus was handed over to the executioner sharks.

“You good-for-nothing,” Poseidon thundered. “I entrusted to you my most beautiful flower, and what did you do? Executioners, you know your job!”

“Master, have mercy on me,” the octopus begged but it was too late.

“You,” turned Poseidon to an old turtle, “As of today you are in charge of the princesses’ security. Stay on the alert! If a hair falls off their heads, I’ll rip your shell off and throw you into boiling water. Is that clear?”
“ Yes, your majesty. Your wish is my will!”


Meanwhile, the gods who were amorous of Queen Pate were trying to sneak to the palace of King Tubby. Unfortunately, their wives were on watch and saw them file out of the copper gates. However, the gods were equipped with two shields each: one in front, one behind, and the furious goddesses could not hurt them. They showered lightning bolts on the gods but could not penetrate Hephaestus’ magic shields and hurt them.

“Aim for the heels,” a nightingale chirped. “Aim for the heels!”

The gods’ heels were exposed and vulnerable, unprotected by the shields. Diana immediately sent a lightning bolt that hit the treacherous Achilles in the heel. Achilles screamed and started to jump up and down like a chicken in a pod with hot water. The Gods knew that Achilles was sometime odd, but to dance in the middle of their escape from Mount Olympus? “ Poor Achilles! “ said Apollo. “ I can’t believe it he dance without music. It’s almost like a silent movie.“ He took out his golden harp and beautiful music filled up the mid-air. Achilles continued his fire dance, named late on “ kazachok” , until he collapsed on the ground without any strength. The goddesses felt so sorry for him, so they quickly finished him with a few lightning bolts and turned him into ashes. Hence the expression “Achilles’ heel”. The surviving gods screamed in terror and rushed back to the smithy.

Curled up by the bellows, Hephaestus was weeping bitter tears.

“Those… mer-maids… they… don’t… like me,” he wept. “They hate my hunch! Oh please give me another apple! I’ll do anything in the world for you!”

“You’ll have it, but first make us something to cover our bare feet!”

“That’s not easy,” Hephaestus frowned. “It’ll take three hours but if one of you is ready to help with the bellows we can manage faster.”

“What should I do then,” he wondered. Before long, he sank into deep meditation. In his youth, he had spent a few years with some goat-lamas in Tibet and had learned the art of meditation.

“So when do we start,” one of the gods nudged him. “You’ve been sitting like this for two hours!”

“Leave him alone,” said Ares. “I also do that meditation thing before a wrestling bout.”

Ares had won no less than five medals in the Greek Olympic Games and had retired without a single loss. No man could ever defeat him in wrestling…

“Got it!” Hephaestus opened his eyes. “I’ll make you metal shoes.”

“What’s this thing shoes,” Ares asked. He was not too familiar with fashion and did not know the meaning of words such as “miniskirt,” “bra” or “bikini”.

“Shoes are a bit like sandals,” Hephaestus explained. “Only they are not open at the back, and cover the entire foot.”

“Oh I see,” said Ares and pressed the bellows. The fire blazed.

Two hours later, each of the gods was equipped with a pair of metal shoes.

“I’ve got blisters on my hands,” Apollo complained, waving his soft hands.

“But you do want to kiss Queen Pate’s luscious lips, don’t you,” Ares laughed. “No pain, no gain!”

Anyway, Hephaestus also did a few more improvements, tied the two shields together and made some metal gloves for the gods’ hands. He also made protective plates for their legs. The god of forge then stepped back and admired his work.

“Now give me that apple,” he claimed.

The amorous gods put on their new armor and rushed to the copper gates of the Olympus, while Hephaestus ate the third apple.

A miracle then happened! His hunch began to shrink, his posture improved. Minutes before he had been stooping like an old man, and now he was as slender as a pine tree! His body was perfect; if it were not for his pointed horns, he would probably be more handsome than Apollo. The god of forge wound a turban around his head (this is actually how the first turban was invented: its purpose was to hide Hephaestus’ horns), and headed for the shore. The Blessed Mermaid Isle was the favorite swimming place of Poseidon’s young daughters, and he was hoping to meet one of them…”

Dan suddenly fell silent.

“Five minutes break,” he said. “I’m tired of talking.”

Ivan sighed and waited patiently for his friend to go on with the story…