The Letters from a Raven

As she runs her fingers through her slightly damp hair, she adjusts the volume on the radio and begins to sway to the music. Her heart is pounding as the music voices her every feeling; her elations, her pain, and her confusion. Hands trembling she pulls the corkscrew from the drawer and begins to open the chablis that tucks her into a lonely bed every night. She crosses the apartment and briefly gazes out the window at the city all lit up down below, then takes a deep breath while heading to the bedroom. In all her envelopment in feelings she never even noticed he was there. He leaned against the door frame unseen; dressed in black pleated pants, a crisp white cotton shirt, and black long coat- he watched her in all her vulnerability. He had a wonderful view, the woman that he loved was standing not more than twelve inches in front of him and she didn't even know he was there. He watched as she layed across the bed and took a large mouthful of the wine, he also watched her throat move as she swallowed it. He'd seen as the tear formed in the corner of her eye, roll down her cheek, and land gently on the file laid open on the bed. How he wanted to catch that tear, take all of her sadness away. He reached out for her arm just as she stood to go to the bathroom, all he wanted to do is comfort her and tell her everything would be okay. She quickly spun around at his touch. Her eyes scanning the room for movement, as she closed her robe tighter around her waist. Was it the chill in the room or did she know he was there? As she turned and continued to the bathroom, he crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed near where she had been laying. He lifted the wineglass to his nose and inhaled the perfumed mixture of the wine and her scent. He replaced the glass on the night table and glanced over the file; his picture, some poems she had written, a few of her more x-rated stories, and a ribbon tied bunch of letters he had never seen.


To the best I ever had,
My most visited regret is that I feel that I never properly let you know just how much you mean to me. You are my sunshine in the morning, the sweet dreams that make me want to sleep forever, and the only real friend I've ever had. If I were to take a deep breath most of what I breathe in is you. Every thing I write has a little bit of you in it; it more or less stems from me thinking about you. My heart is hungry for you all the time and its a feeling that will never be satisfied. This is what I have to feel, for the rest of my life.You know that I love you, right?

Yours,

Raven


To the best I ever had,
My rupturing heart tears at my blouse as it threatens to pound right out of my chest at the mere mention of your name. A glimpse of your face and I may very well need some form of revival, and although my physical form would be lifeless; my spirit would be soaring. To kiss those gentle, sweet lips is the only Heaven I could know here on Earth. My mind aches to think of new ways to link my life to yours; I miss you. By the way, you know that I love you, right?

Yours,

Raven

 
To the best I ever had,
I went out walking in the rain the other day just to try to get you out of my mind. The shower quickly turned into a down pour and I found myself running back to the apartment. As I turned the corner I thought I saw you cross the street, so naturally I went tearing after you. The rain started to cloud my vision and the tears were blinding me, so when I finally gained perspective I could no longer see you. Out of frustration I turned and headed back to the apartment. As I walked down the street oblivious to almost everything around me I realized that my relationship to you is like one of those watery puddles. I can peer into that liquid mirror see everything that I am and everywhere I want to be just blinking back at me but the second I reach out to touch it, the image distorts, changes form, and becomes unlike anything it was before. Damn the rain, damn the heavens for pouring it down on me and damn these feelings. I'm going to go take a nap now; I've come to believe I'm at my best when I'm sleeping, because that's when I'm with you. You know that I love you, right?

Yours,

Raven

  To the best I ever had,
My breath is at a pause at the prospect of seeing you again.I almost drowned myself in the shower this morning while rinsing my hair,I was thinking about you so hard I forgot to inhale. Its like that alot of the time, my mind keeps returning to days when everything was good and all I had to do is close my eyes to remember what love feels like. Now I'm starving for that feeling, the sustenance of emotion is non-existent when you're not here; the bed is cold and my mind is blank with feeling. I miss you eternally, and I'll wait for you longer than that. You know that I love you, right?

yours

Raven

  To the best I ever had,
The twisted knife tears at my stomach as my barb-wired soul spills out onto the floor.The pain I feel is immeasurable. Never did I believe this was possible; that there would be a time I should just give up, that I should accept the inevitable- this is not who I am.My love for you is absolute, and now I find my pain with you is the same. Its almost funny to realize that emotion could be so much like a revolving door. One emotion and your on the inside; enveloped in warmth, love, and all things that feel good. Let that same opening swing you the other way and your on the outside in the cold where the ache is so great deep within your being that you can't imagine it could be caused by the same person-the one you love so much; the best you ever had. This internal chill that having been tossed aside consumes me like a demon causing me to have feelings of regret and stupidity for all that I've believed in. The anguish is great and all consuming, but I'm not giving up on you, you are my life and without you I don't exist.You know that I love you, right?

yours,

Raven

  To the best I ever had,
My soul is screaming your name in the dead of night, and my eyes soak the pillow with the tears of love's pain. I am silently yelling your name in my sleep, and its a sound not like anything you could ever imagine; the sound of heartache. Don't you understand how much I feel for you? Can't you see that my life is void without you? Please don't make me go through this, I need your love to make me whole. I don't even know how to exist and not be in love with you; but is that even what you really want? Do you really want to be rid of me and all of this love I feel? I honestly don't know how much more I can take without shattering to pieces, shards that will irreparably pierce the heart that beats within my chest, the soul that still needs you.You know that I love you, right?

yours

Raven

  To the best I ever had,
Just when I thought I'd felt every possible sensation there is to feel involved in loving you, I know now that this is the last drop of feeling my heart is strong enough to handle.My desperation is breaking my soul and my spirit shattered a long time ago. With nothing else to hold onto, I am forced to let go. This may mean no more to you than all the other expressions of depth I've tried to share, but I feel that without writing this last letter I'll never know true closure. The depression of never knowing your love again is too great a burden to carry; quite simply, I can't go on. The coldness and stabbing that I feel in accepting that you're gone is my absolute hell on Earth; I don't know what my crime was for this punishment but I'm assured it must have been great to have brought this upon me. My life will be forever changed because of your presence and even more so due to the lack there of; I thought I couldn't live without you, now it looks as though I'll have no choice- it's the pain I'll have to survive. But I have acknowledged that you are not mine to keep, I realize that your attention and affection is not something you are willing to share with me anymore, it is for this reason I am letting you go.

Raven

 
His hand trembled as he finished reading the last lines of the letter; he could feel all his life source draining from his body as he sank slowly to the floor. She had given up, all the fighting and waiting to hold out for him had been in vain, he didn't come to her in time. He could understand the pain she must have been feeling all this time, but to have lost her was too much. His eyes bled with tears as he frantically scoured the room for proof that this was a dream, it couldn't be real. As he looked around the room he noticed the last letter on the nightstand, pen still out; ink still wet.The skin seemed to be transparent on his right hand as he reached for the letter, and though he was sure the paper was within his grasp he couldn't take hold of it, his hand was no longer there and it was as though his whole body was disappearing before his very eyes. With his left hand he lurched toward the paper and shakenly opened it to reveal the last words he may ever read from his beloved.


To the best I ever had,
Though I try with everything I am to let you go, I realize that a woman in love with you is all I'll ever be. Whether that is your soul's burden or your one true blessing, I could never be anything but yours. It took all the strength I had to hold out this long but the attempt to give up took so much more. I love you; no doubts, no remorse, no regrets. I will wait for you to come until all the stars are gone and the nights skies are merely an expression of the darkness I feel. My adoration for you is infinite, my love,everlasting, and my commitment,forever. I will always want you by my side to laugh and cry with, because without you all my feelings are numb. You are the love of my life and the best I ever had, without you I am nothing.You know that I love you, right?

Forever yours

Raven

 

His body was shaking, his legs were weak and although he was sitting on the floor, he felt as if he were falling. While the tears fell gently and he sobbed quietly, he never heard the lock click, he never saw the door open, and he didn't know she was in the room until her arms were around him. They cried to each other's hearts and they held on for what seemed eternity. Forever they sat in silence until she broke the quiet with a soft voice,"you came, I knew that you would; but why now, after all this time ?" And he answered her with the most pure response he could,"I finally realized that without you I am nothing too."