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With a wedding for Will and Liz, it's time for Nate to leave their cramped apartment. |
(Will and Liz sit at their small kitchen table, holding hands; the kitchen shares the space with the living room. The apartment is cluttered; paint supplies, and tables covered with magazines, a few computers, and various papers and other items scatter the small area. Will nervously taps his foot; Liz keeps trying to make him stop. They are waiting for Nate, their roommate, who is currently in his room.) Liz Remember to be nice. Will I’m always nice. Liz I didn’t mean—be extra nice. But not too nice. Will (Sighs.) I know…we practiced this a million times. Liz And do not let me do all the talking. Will I won’t. (Kisses her on the cheek, looks nervous) Liz Oh! Here he comes! Don’t twitch! Will (Twitching) I’m not! (Nate enters; he just woke up and is groggy. He’s still in his boxers and night shirt. He turns on the TV, sits down and picks up a game controller. Mario brothers theme song plays and he starts playing. Liz and Will watch him for a moment.) Liz (Clears her throat loudly) Will Morning. Nate (Startled) What are you two doing home? Will (Nervous) Nothing. (Beat) Lunch… They all pause and look around, there’s no food out.) Will Moving on. (Switching tones, trying to sound overly nice.) How are you? Nate (Shrug) It’s early. I might have a head ache from lack of sleep… (He leaves couch and searches the cabinets for something to eat.) Will It’s past eleven. Liz (Slightly annoyed) And Tuesday. Nate (Mumbled so much Liz and Will have a hard time understanding what he says) I was up late with work. (He brings out a beer and a box of fruit rollups. Offers the box to Liz and Will, they refuse. Offers some beer; they refuse again.) Liz Wouldn’t you like some coffee instead? Nate No, this’ll fill me up. (Sits on the couch.) Liz (Looks at Will to do something, he doesn’t. Liz gets up and goes to the loveseat across from the couch) Nate, can we talk to you? Nate Don’t need to ask. Wait, is that creamer spoiled yet? Will I’ll make the coffee. (He fumbles around in the kitchen; making noise.) Liz (Mumbles to the side) For Christ’s sake Will! Nate So what are we talking about? (Mockingly) Is it about Will? Will Maybe you should get dressed first. Liz (To Will) This’ll only take a minute. Nate (Sarcastically) Should I wear my good shirt? Will (To Liz) But he should have pants on! Liz It won’t make a difference. Nate I don’t need them…it’s not like I’m at work, or my relatives… (Eats a fruit rollup) Will (Turning over to Nate) How are your parents? Liz Will… Nate (Shrugs; uncaring) They’re alive. Will That’s …family’s…good. (Turns away to watch the coffee maker.) Liz Can we just get this—? Nate Oh, did I tell you? (Takes quick gulp of beer.) That ass—my dad, just bought a— Liz We’re getting married!! Will (Runs over to them, shocked) Lizzie! Nate You’re what?! (Jumps up and hits his leg on the coffee table and a few books and other things fall off.) Will We were supposed to tell him together! Nate (To himself) Fucking table! What is all this shit?! Liz We’re both here! Will That’s not the point. Nate (To Will and Liz) Wait, married? Liz What? This isn’t a sitcom! Besides, you were avoiding it. Nate (Tries to get their attention) Married!? (Beat) To each other? Will I was easing into it! Liz Yeah! And we would have been here for a week! Nate That’s insane! (Will and Liz turn back to Nate.) Will I told you he’d take it badly. Nate No, no, sorry, not crazy like you’re both psychotic like my parents or anything, it’s (snaps fingers) It’s like Memento! Liz (To Will) Is that supposed to be a good thing? Will I guess. Nate Of course! Crazy, eccentric and makes no sense, but great! (Punching Will’s arm) Took you long enough. May not be the smartest thing, but hey who am I to judge? It’s just…yay! (Does a small cheer, and takes another gulp from his drink.) Is the coffee ready? Liz Awww thanks. That’s really sweet. (To Will) I told you he’d be fine. Will Umm… Nate When’s the date? Will (Nudges Liz) We still need to tell him—look man, there’s something else. Liz (Leaning over Will.) End of March. Nate That’s soon. Is there a baby? I’m just kidding. Will We wanted to tell—no ask you… Liz (Excited) Will’s making you best man!! Nate Well, yeah, who else? The wallflower took a year to ask his roommate out. Liz (Playfully nudging Will) Well, I like him shy. Will WE WANT YOU OUT!! Nate (Confused) Out of what? Liz Way to be SENSITIVE!! Nate You’re kicking me out? Will No, of course not. Liz Well… Nate Why? Liz We’re getting— Nate Married, yeah, got the memo. What does that have to do with anything? Will It’ll be kinda weird if you’re still living here after we’re married. Nate (Angry) But I lived here while you were dating. Liz That’s different. Nate I lived here before you dated. Fuck I set you two up. Liz We know, we just decided that after we’re married it should be just the two of us….alone. Nate You’re fucking kidding. This is some unfunny couple joke? (A quick pause, waiting for them to object) That’s so fucked! What’s gonna—I GAVE YOU THE BIG ROOM! Will Look, we’re sorry— Liz You don’t have to leave right away. Nate Shut up Yoko!! Will Hey! You don’t need to— Nate Whatever! Sorry! Why am I suddenly in a Friends episode? Liz It’ll be fine; you don’t want to live with a married couple— Will And we’ll help you find another place. Nate (Suddenly calm again) I’m not leaving. (Puts his feet up on the coffee table.) Will What? Liz But we already decided. Nate I didn’t. I’m vetoing it. I’m like the Goddamn judicial branch. (picks up a fruit rollup, pretends it’s a gavel and hits it on the table) Will Its executive and my 5 year old nephew knows that! Nate Your 5 year old nephew is a freak. Liz Who cares!? You can’t just veto us! Grow up! It’s two against one you ass!! Nate No… See, the two of you count as one…so…really it’s a tie. Will Oh come on! Liz Just sign over the lease. Nate What do you need three bedrooms for? Liz Kids. And just look at this place! Everyone’s things can’t fit in here. Your art supplies have swarmed this room like locusts! Nate That’s because I GAVE YOU THE BIG ROOM! Why don’t you move? Will No! Nate Why not? You can’t store kids here. It’s the city, it’s loud, crowded, there’s no yard for the rug rats to sing and dance in, the preschools around here have their own street gangs, and there’s a possible meth lab a few floors up. Plus I could use the extra space. Liz (Thinking about it for a moment.) He might have a point. Will (Jumps up and starts pacing the room) NO HE DOESN’T! We want to live in the city!! Liz But a bigger place would be nice. Nate It would. Will No! We practiced this, Lizzie! And that lady upstairs… (Beat) SHE MAKES HERBAL TEAS! Nate That’s what she wants you to think. (Pause) Look, just get another apartment. I’m not even having kids. They freak me out. YOU want “space”, YOU move. Liz We never thought of moving. Will (Panicked) Well, we’re not having kids yet so we don’t need the space! Liz Eventually. Will NO! We already talked about this! Nate Apparently not. Liz Even if we don’t have kids right away, it would still be nice to have our own place that we pick out together. This place was only supposed to be temporary. Will I love this place! (Rushes over to Nate) We’ll pay you! Nate (Jokingly) How much? Liz What? Did you rob a bank!? No! Let’s just think about it some more… Will But this is OUR place! Liz THIS IS NATE’S! (Picks up a half completed canvas) This is Nate’s. (Points to a box of paints) This is Nate’s. (Points to something else) That’s Nate’s. This used to be my desk but all of his stuff is on it. And where is my laptop? I haven’t seen it since last week. Nate She has a point…but could you not ruin the system by moving stuff around…? Will No! All of this stuff will be gone since he’s gone. Nate Are you having me killed? Then who’ll be your best man? Liz (To Will) Sweetie, you’re being hysterical. Will NO I’M NOT! (Still pacing) We met in that hallway! I asked you out in that kitchen! We first…you know on that couch! (Nate jumps off it in disgust) I proposed in that bathroom! Nate What?! Liz Cut the cord! You don’t loose memories because you move, you half-wit! Will How could you--!? I’M NOT MOVING! I’m not going to settle into a new neighborhood! I’m not going to spend a month looking for the right coffee or bar, or figuring out how to navigate everything again! Liz WELL I AM! You stay here with Nate in your little safety net apartment! Nate Guys, it’s just an apartment. Liz I bet you only asked me out because I was living three feet away! Will Did you just call me a coward? Liz If the insecure shoe fits! (Beat) How about I find my own apartment and you two can live here forever! Will Fine!! (Plops down on the couch next to Nate) (Liz starts to walk out when Nate jumps up.) Nate What the fuck!? It’s just an apartment! Will It’s not just an apartment, it’s my life! (He starts sobbing.) Liz Oh, grow a pair, Will!! Nate Whoa…what the fuck’s wrong with you two? Look, sit. (Motions for Liz to sit next to Will) You two need help, like serious mental health. Which is why you should marry each other and not spread that craziness in the world. Liz Little late for that. Will What does that mean!? Nate Don’t be dramatic, you’re still getting married…you love each other like, I don’t know, Sam and Diane or something. (Beat) Plus, I look damn good in a tux. Liz Not really a selling point. Will For fuck’s sake! Have you seen this place!? It’s not worth it! Will (Perked up) Then you’ll move? Nate (Thinks for a second) Yeah! You guys want this place, fine, go ahead. Call it a wedding gift. After all that stuff you said (looks a little disgusted)…keep the couch too. Liz Are you serious!? Nate Yeah…I need some air. (Goes into his room.) Liz (Silently cheer, they hug and kiss) See? This is why we practiced! Will I thought I was gonna have a panic attack! (Nate comes back in, with pants and a jacket on; Will and Liz try to look serious again.) Liz Thanks again! Really…it’s really—thanks! Will That’s why you’re the best man! Nate And why I’m never getting married. (Nate leaves apartment; Will and Liz go back to celebrating their victory.) |