The Family Equation

Author's note:  I've been into fandom writing recently and when I asked some friends for a writing prompts one of them propmted me and this came of it.  This is just the first part really.  Anyway, it feels good to write something without a fandom crutch.  I hope anyone reading this enjoys it.



My sister once drank so much whisky she passed out for two days. This should have been the most telling thing about her, it wasn’t, the fact she went unnoticed for all those days was.  You couldn’t really blame a person for not paying attention to her comings and goings though.  Sarah took off a lot.  Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days.  After her first few disappearing acts when she would come stumbling home stinking of alcohol with the same clothes she had on the day she left, people just stopped getting worked up over it.

I never did though.  I never stopped noticing the nights when the bed across from mine was empty.  Once she was gone for a whole week before I finally called the police.  As soon as I said the name Sarah Winters though they told me they’d look into it and that there was no need to file a police report.  ‘She’ll come back,’ they’d told me, ‘She always comes back.’

They were right of course, but that didn’t make me feel any better.  Something really bad could have happened and they didn’t even look into it.  The night after I called the police Sarah crawled in through our window giggling as she slid under the covers of her bed.  It was an hour from sun up and she fell right asleep.  I knew she could probably sleep the whole day and still no one would notice.  I could smell the whiskey on her breath and on her clothes even from across the room.  I wanted to say something, reach out and let her know I had been worried but I knew my sister.  I knew she would just laugh and call me a baby for worrying so much.  That was just who she was. 

Sarah taking off had stopped being news worthy really and I didn’t bother pointing it out to my mother when I saw Sarah sneaking out windows.  She was a single parent who had long since lost control of her rebelling daughter.  She'd even stopped putting forth the effort to pretend she was trying to keep her reins on her eldest daught. People might say she’s a bad mother because of that, I think she was just a woman with no maternal instincts and no right to be a parent.  She was without a clue when it came to dealing with me, much less Sarah. 

The slew of men she dated had their thoughts on child rearing of course and a few even put them into practice.  But they all just pushed Sarah away further.  She might have taken off completely if it wasn’t for me. I was the one thing that kept her grounded.  I was the one thing that kept her coming back. 

“Come with me,” she begged one night, taking my hand and pulling me towards the window.  I could see the dark bruise on her cheek beginning to form.  Randy had said he’d teach her a lesson for talking back to him and by the screaming that was coming out of the parlor I knew exactly what kind of lesson that was.  I didn’t need the dark bruises on Sarah’s face to tell me what had happened down there.

“Randy’ll get mad,” I shook my head, pulling her back. “Please don’t go.”  I honestly didn’t think I could stand another night of hearing mom’s boyfriend pounding on Sarah like a meat tenderizer for taking off.  She may have been the older one of us, but I felt like I had to protect her. No one else was.

“Randy can’t get mad if we don’t come back,” she coaxed.  She seemed so sure but I was still scared.  Where could two teenaged girls run off to in the middle of the night with no money and no way of getting anywhere?  The cops might not pay attention when Sarah took off but I was fairly certain if I disappeared through the window people wouldn't be so quiet about it.  After all, Sarah was seventeen practically legal and a lost cause.  I was her fifteen year old, well behaved little sister.  It wouldn’t be too late to try and save me in their minds. People had funnies ways of saving folks.

“Please don’t go Sarah,” I begged one last time.  She dropped my hand and glared at me like I had just betrayed.  I felt sick seeing that look in her eyes but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t leave.  She might have been able to talk me into just about anything else but I couldn’t do this.

“We’re sister’s Ali.  We’re supposed to stick by one another.” 

When I didn’t say anything in response she just turned and climbed out the window.  She didn’t come home until supper time the next night.  Mom told her she didn’t like her running off like that; Sarah responded she was surprised our mother had even noticed.  A fight broke out at the table and I said a silent prayer of thanks that Randy was working late.  I knew what he would have done to Sarah and I knew I wouldn’t be able to just close my eyes and pretend it wasn’t happening.

It was a few weeks after that that Sarah disappeared for more than just a few days or a week.  Randy had been raving mad when after two weeks there was still no sign of her.  The police started an investigation but Sarah was almost eighteen and had a history of running off for days at a time.  They didn’t look too hard before officially declaring her a run away.  For a month I waited up in my bed as late as I could, expecting her to climb through the window giggling and drunk at any moment, but she never did.  Eventually I stopped waiting.

I counted on my calendar as the months went by.  It was late in October when I heard a rustling in the room.  I sat up straight, half expecting Randy to be trying to sneak into my bed.  He’d tried to come in on more than one occasion but me threatening to scream bloody murder eventually turned him out.  He didn’t want my mom knowing anything about it and me wailing my head would put a damper on that.  He hadn't tried in awhile so I hoped he'd given up on that idea.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I looked around.  A figure, drenched in the rain stood a few feet off, holding something in her arms.  “Sarah?” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.  "You're makin' a puddle."

“Hey Ali,” she whispered, smiling faintly as she moved forward and sat on the edge of my bed.  Lightning outside the window lit up the room for a moment and I blinked when I realized what was in her arms.

“Sarah is that baby?” I asked, throwing my blanket back and pushing my feet over the edge of the bed so I was sitting right next to her.

“Sure is,” she replied.  “Wanna hold her?”  I took the baby without question.  She was dryer than Sarah was but still pretty wet.  She looked sleepy too, her eyes half lidded as she fussed in my arms.

“She yours?” I asked, rocking her gently as I stared down at her full head of curly brown hair.  I could see she was still new, maybe a month or two old. 

“She is,” Sarah nodded.  Her voice cracked as she spoke and I looked up at her in confusion.

“You coming back home now?”

“Can’t come home, Ali,” she shook her head.  “I wanted you to meet her though.  Name’s Scarlet Grace, I call her Gracie.”

“Like Grandma,” I said softly, smiling a little.

“Yeah like Grandma,” she agreed, a tired smile creasing her face as well.  “Ali…I don’t got any other place to go.  I can’t come back here and I can’t keep her out on the streets with me.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a cold right now.”

I could feel the hackles on my neck rise up at her words.  “What are you saying?” I asked rocking the small bundle in my arms.

“Watch after her for me, Ali.  Until I can get a place and get a job.  Just so she’s not living on the streets.  Mom won’t let me come back here and even if she did I don’t think I could handle Randy.  You gotta keep an eye on her, don’t let Randy touch her.  I know what he’s like.”

“So do I,” I whispered, silently vowing not to let that man get within a foot of this little girl.

“Oh Ali, he didn’t,” she whispered out, covering her mouth with her hands.  “He promised.”

“No,” I shook my head.  “He’s never laid a finger on me.”  I could see the relief flooding Sarah’s face and she stepped forward, wrapping her soaking wet arms around me. 

“I’ll be back just as soon as I can.  I brought a bag; this lady at the hospital gave it to be before I left.  It’s got some dippers and formula, stuff like that.  Take care of her for me, Ali.  You gotta take care of her.”  And I looked down at the baby, holding her close against my chest and I knew I wouldn’t be able to say no.  I could hardly ever tell Sarah no, not unless I thought I would get a beating for doing what she asked. 

“Okay,” I whispered.  “When will you come back?”

“Week or two.  I just need to get a place,” she said.  I nodded, and rubbed Gracie’s body, warming her up as best as I could.  Sarah stepped closer to me and pressed a kiss to my cheek before hurrying back out the bedroom window. 

That was how I became a fifteen year old mother.

I thought she would come back.  I honestly thought that in a few days she would crawl through the window and take Gracie back into her arms.  At first I even tried to keep the little baby a secret, figuring that it was better my mother and Randy never knew about the baby.  Of course when Monday came around and I had to go to school, that plan was shot.  I revealed the baby to my mom after Randy had gone to work and told her it was Sarah’s. 

I could see the tears welling up in my mother’s eyes as she slowly reached for Gracie.  She mumbled something about being too young to be a grandmother, her fingers tangling in her granddaughter’s dark curly hair.  I kiss my mother on the cheek the same why Sarah had kissed me a few nights earlier before I ran off too school.  I didn’t give my mother much of an explanation, just told her that the baby was Sarah’s and she was coming back for it. 

The day at school was endless and when I got hope I half expected to find the baby missing.  She wasn’t missing but she was crying and my mother had bloodshot eyes and her hands were shaking.  “You gotta make it stop, Allison,” she mumbled.  I didn’t get it.  My mother had had me and Sarah, how could a baby crying affect her so much?  When I got closer to her she seemed more afraid than anything.  I picked up Gracie and rocked her in my arms.  She didn’t stop crying but it seemed to relieve my mother that someone else was taking care of her.  I knew then leaving the baby here again wasn’t an option anymore.  My mother looked ready to crack.  I had to find some way out.

I didn’t have a job and I didn’t have any money so I couldn’t just hire a sitter to watch her.  That left me very few options.  I didn’t know how my teachers would take to me bringing my niece to school, but it seemed the only feasible thing.  The next day I packed up the bag Sarah had given me and I bundled Gracie up before heading off to school. 

Kids looked at me funny but I honestly didn’t care.  I held my niece close to me and took her to every class.  I explained to my teachers the situation and by forth period Mrs. Cleveland had pulled me aside telling me about a free day care program a block up run by some nuns.  I had to apply and be approved, but she said she’d write me a letter and I wouldn’t have any trouble.  I wasn’t really religious; my mother never went to church or anything like.  A card with a picture of baby Jesus my grandmother sent us every Christmas sat on the mantel from mid December to sometime in February was about all the religion me and Sarah had in our lives.  I hoped the nuns wouldn’t hold that against me.

When school let out I headed down the block to St. Anne’s and entered a small rectory around the back of the church.  There was a sign posted for the day care and I found the place easily.  Sister Anne greeted me when I entered the small building with a warm smile.  When I inquired about the program she handed me an application offered to take Gracie while I filled out the forms.

“What’s her name?” she asked, and it was then I detected the light Irish accent in her voice.  I didn’t remember much about my father but the one thing I did know was he was Irish.  Her voice had a soothing quality to it that made me like her that much more.

“Scarlett Grace Winters.  She’s my niece.  My sister left her with me while she finds a place.  I can’t take her to school anymore though,” I explained, taking the papers she handed me.

“School?  How old are you child?” she asked sweetly.

“I’ll be sixteen in a couple months,” I said.

“And the baby?”

“Not sure.  A couple months I guess.  She doesn’t look too old,” I shrugged.  Sister Anne nodded and smiled at Gracie again. 

“If you want you can fill that paper at home and bring it and little Gracie back tomorrow and we’ll see what we can do,” she said.  I nodded and took Gracie back into my arms.  She felt heavy from having to carry her around all day but it was a welcome weight.  I bid the nun goodbye and headed home, a small weight off my shoulder.  I had a place where Gracie could be taken care of and I could still go to school.  It was a good temporary solution.

That afternoon when I got home Randy’s stuff was all over the lawn and my mother was going on and on about men and their lecherous ways.  She’d dump a box of clothes on the lawn and head back inside for a moment before returning with another box.

“Mom?” I asked, stepping forward and looking at the mess that was all around me.  “What’s going on?”

She stopped when she heard me, stopped and stared over at Gracie.  Her face twisted and for a moment I didn’t know if she was going cry or just start throwing things.  The box in her hands dropped and before I knew it she was on her knees, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed.  I rushed to her side, trying to get her to look at me but she only pushed me away.  I knew this had to do with the baby.  Maybe she was just missing Sarah something fierce or maybe she her and Randy had fought about the baby living here.  I didn’t really know and my mother wasn’t answering when I asked.  I let it go, let her cry on the porch while I went inside to change Gracie’s dipper and get her something to eat.  There was nothing more I could do for her and this wasn’t the first time my mother’d had an emotional breakdown like this.

I laid the little girl on the carpet and undid the buttons and pulled her little green shorts off so I could get to the dipper.  I pulled the old one off and grabbed a new one out.  It was my last one.  I needed to buy more, just like I needed more formula.  My mother was still crying on the porch and I didn’t expect her to stop anytime soon so that left me to figure things out on my own.  I finished getting Gracie cleaned up and set her on the couch, using pillows as barriers to keep her from falling off.  I found my mothers purse and searched through it finding twenty-six dollars and eighteen cents.  I was enough to buy formula and dippers to get me and Gracie through the next week or two.  At least I hoped it was. 


Sarah never did come back.  When after two weeks I hadn’t seen her face I started to worry.  The part of me that loved my sister unconditionally worried for her safety.  The other part of me, the part of me that was tired and worn out from taking care of a new born baby, the part of me that had taken a part time job at the country store down the street just to be able to buy stuff for Gracie, that part of me was angry.  Deep down I felt like I should have known this was coming.  The way Sarah looked the night she left; I should have known that goodbye wasn’t for a week or two.  It was the permanent kind goodbye.  At least as permanent as they get without a person having to die.  I thought maybe one day she might come back, but if she did it wouldn’t be for a long while.

My mother assumed an air of indifference around Gracie.  She wasn’t mean to the child, she just ignored her.  When I pressed why she wouldn’t hold her granddaughter or why she’d thrown Randy out, she’d just say she didn’t know what I was talking about or that it wasn’t any of my concern.  It made me think more and more that Randy leaving and little Gracie were linked somehow.  I began to put the pieces together slowly, the same way my mother must have.  Gracie didn’t have blonde hair like me and Sarah did.  And her nose was small, not like my mother's whose nose could be best described as hawk like.  Most of all her eyes were the most radiant shade of green a person had ever seen.  And they were the exact same shade of green as Randy's were.  Her brown curly hair just like Randy's too and a so was that tiny little nose of hers.  I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier, or why I hadn’t guessed at it, but I knew exactly who Gracie’s daddy was and so did my mother.