Life is as you make it

LIFE IS AS YOU MAKE IT

It's half past five in the morning and I haven't slept at all. Nothing spectacular... It's just an ordinary morning of mine. At least it seems to be. The same feelings I get... Silence breaks my heart, darkness kills these traces of life left in me and loneliness makes my heart weep. Lost in the night, I keep strugling with my thoughts and try to figure out something although I don't know what. Perhaps something that'll bring a ray of light, a sip of air, anything bright. But in the back of my head, something's been bugging me all night and just now I've figured out what it is. It's the January 1st 2007 and in the first hours of the brand new year where everything is supposed to begin fine in hapiness and love, I'm sitting alone in this wooden chair. My life seems to be broken into million pieces and nothing can bring them together. Subconsciencely, I'm suggesting to my mind that everything is okay, nothing is as bad as it seems and it helps. Sometimes I think subconscience is the only thing that keeps me together. All friends are gone, probably out somewhere, celebrating, drinking, wasting themselves. Although I could go with them and do the same thing, I rather choose not to. I'd rather stay alone at home than go out and watch them alcoholize themselves. These are the times when I think all my principles are guilty for my situation. I don't drink at all, I don't smoke, I don't use drugs. I wonder is that the right thing to do? I look outside the window, and I see everyone drunk, happy (at least while they're drunk they are) and something reaches for me, it takes me half a step but then I stop. Something hits me like a thunder and suddenly clears it all. In a moment, the mist is gone, the curtain is up. And in just a few seconds which seem like years everything flashes before my eyes. I'm not alone, there're my parents in the living room, there're my brothers sleeping right beside me. There are my real friends at their homes, doing probably the same thing I do... Grieve and feel bad about themselves. There are so many things in my life that are brighter than the sun and they all can repress the sadness. I realize I'm wrong... I found an effective painkiller. Everything is not how it seems. I sit again in my chair and, feeling 50 pounds ligthter, I laugh. I realize life is as you make it. Life is as you think of it. All I need is to fully enforce it and everything will be fine...

- drifter