The Best Mom For My Kids

 
          I sit here at the computer after another day with my beautiful children.

          Once they are in bed, I should be exhausted, but I sit in front of the TV or computer like a drone without an original idea, and then can't seem to make my mind shut off so that I can go to sleep at a decent time. Then the next morning it's impossible to drag myself out of bed until my baby girl finally wakes up.
 
          Days are boring and repetitive. I need some motivation to spice things up, have some fun, get me and the kids away from the computer or TV or video games.

          I used to like winter so much but with the redundancy of endless days I crave sunshine and warmth, being able to take my kids to the park and get some exercise and get our spirits up, our energy flowing, and our minds working.

          I wish I was already homeschooling my son; at least then my mind would start being productive again. I wish there was enough money to take them someplace fun, like the local interactive children's museum or Chuck E. Cheese's.
 
          This is what I want, to stay home with my kids and change diapers, clean up messes, potty train, do laundry and dishes and cook, play and sing and tickle and laugh, watch my son figure out the mysteries of life and watch my daughter try everything for the first time....so why am I finding it so hard? Where has my energy and my motivation gone? Why do I get so frustrated and impatient?
 
          When I consider the possibility of going back to work, it leaves my head as soon as it enters. I don't want to think about spending my days without my kids, only seeing them during the race to leave in the morning and the race to get supper and get ready for bed at night. Although money would not be quite as tight, the trade off would not be worth it for us. I need my babies and my babies need my influence and their daddy's more than anyone else's.
 
          I need to find a way to be my best me for my kids. They are missing out on a lot while I am struggling to find my energy, my creativity, my motivation, my inner child. Maybe I lost myself in the process of trying to do this overwhelming thing on my own. I knew from the beginning that staying at home raising my kids would not be easy.

          I need to let go and give it over to God. I know that He is the only one who is able to ease the burden while at the same time help me to find the person that He created me to be. Even taking the time to spend talking to God and reading my Bible I find difficult, my mind numb once my kids are in bed for the night.
 
          "Dear God, I am not being my best self for my kids and they need me back. Help me, please. I can't do this on my own. Ease the burden of repetitive days, help me to rediscover the joy of being their mommy. I love them so much and I want to be and do the best that I can for them. Please help me to find the child in me again. Please help me remember how to relax and be patient and laugh when I want to pull my hair out. And please, please send me constant reminders of Your presence with me throughout each day. I know that You love them and me, and that You are the only one who can pull me through this. In Jesus' name, Amen."