Apathy

As I tried to run away
From what happened that day,
I remembered the anguish,
The stabbing pain that made me wish
That it was I, instead of you,
Or that mine had ended too.
I looked away when they took you out,
It’s the only thing I think about-
Your mangled body, broken
And bleeding from the collision.

“He’s already gone,” the doctor said,
“Go home. I’m sorry, he’s dead.”
I froze, and blindly stared,
Pretending like I never cared,
They tried to sympathize
With their fiction smiles and empty lies,
“Oh, dear, don’t cry. You’ll be fine.”
But no tears had fallen from mine.
I hid my pain behind
The darkest shadows of my mind.

As I dreamed that night
I saw the lights shine so bright,
I was back at the place
Where I had last seen your face,
Next to you in the passenger seat;
A pool of blood lay at my feet,
And as I tried to make it out
I saw your eyes look about,
You whispered, your voice filled with fear-
“Don’t go. Please, don’t leave me here.”

I gazed into your eyes
And soon forgot all the lies
That caused our fight,
The reasons we were there that night-
The bitter, cold things I said,
“Just go fucking drop dead!”
They all faded into the sirens,
Your pain retying the ends
As your breath died, along with my hate,
And I realized- it was too late.

Forgetting you is impossible
When my mind isn’t being sensible
And I relive the fight
Every never-ending night,
It’s haunting my thoughts
Leaving me confused and lost.
So I try to stay awake
While I pretend my smiles aren’t fake,
When the only thing remaining
Is my subconscious contemplating.

It’s been months since the accident,
I cant’ believe you’ll forever be silent,
And I still blame myself you’re gone,
I doubt I’ll ever move on,
And I still wish it was me instead,
Me the one really dead,
The crash replays in my mind
Now almost all the time,
The sight of your dying body
Is all that I can see.

“He’s in a better place,” they say.
I reply, “That doesn’t matter anyway.”
They seem surprised that I don’t cry-
That both these eyes are dry,
They want me to break down
So they can come around
And share their fake sympathy
And believe they helped me,
So they’ll feel better about themselves
And their stupid, pathetic lives.

So I tell them I don’t care
About the feelings I won’t share,
I couldn’t stand if they knew
Exactly how much I miss you,
I remain the same,
Except filled with shame-
Shame that I really do care
That I’m here when you’re there,
And you are happier than me,
Happier than I’ll ever be.