The Angels fell from the sky in droves

The idea of safety on a plane is basically the most bullshit thing that has ever been thought up. I’m going 500 miles an hour in a little tubular object flying about 31,000 miles above the ground and if one of the engines blows out and our plane starts to go down I am to proceed to the nearest exit. I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to be doing that since I’ll probably be nailed to the top of the plane as gravity pulls us all down. And if we are crashing into water, which just sounds like so much fun, the exits are equipped with this wonderful thing called a life raft which I won’t get to use most likely because of the problem I will encounter when the plane actually hits the water.
What planes need to get are ejection seats. When the planes going down at least give people a reasonable exit strategy as opposed to the oxygen masks that just get you high. Give us a chance at survival. Give the captain a little ejection button that he can push or that gets automatically pushed when the plane is going down. And everyone will go through the roof and out into the spring air where they will float for a moment or to and then start to fall.
And maybe if we are really nice we could give them some parachutes that they could pull instead of a life vest that you can’t even put on inside the plane. Which means that if some person somehow gets the emergency exit opened and we all somehow jump out with our life vests on we’ll still be 20,000 feet above earth with only a non deflated life vest to ease our fall. Doesn’t that sound comfortable?
And if they could eliminate turbulence that would be key also. I hate tubulence. Every time I get on a plane I feel like having a heart attack. Take off is pretty terrible especially when the pilot didn’t pass his driver’s test. And the planes swerving all over the run way and your are wondering how the bastard is even going to be able to get this hunk of shit off of the ground to begin with. And then you finally get into the air and its like rolling down a mountain inside a plastic square. There’s no smooth edge and every bump moves your entire body and your stomach is in your throat and then in your feet and you don’t know when it will end and if the end will be that brick wall coming up.
And maybe I’m paranoid. Some people really love to fly, although I still haven’t figured out why. Sitting next to people you don’t know, delays, turbulence, delays, bad food, turbulence, boredom maybe, and people. It’s a very rough combination. And it’s all cramped and you can’t even bring your own bottle of vodka onto the plane anymore. You profile everyone before you step on. That guy looks scary, like he’s mad at the world and oh no is the plane facing downwards, and that guy has a scarf and oh shit you feel like your rollerblading down a hill with no breaks and there are lots of rocks. Oh this is fun.