Saving Face Is Not Allowed

Saving Face Is Not Allowed (the nobleness of your experience).

         So it was the greatest moment of my life, out of everything I can remember, which is barely anything at all since I have a clinically simple and weakly-following human memory capacity. Other times that are among the greatest were when I went to Bucknell and Penn State to hang out with the coolest cats and watch the crazy preachers on streets and learn anew why I wanna go out and become something interesting – and also the time of course when I was in Jesse’s home studio and we were recording tracks. That was like some kind of a daydream trance, it wasn’t traditional or expected but it was still very real and we accomplished things in a surreal perspective where I was unaware I even had the abilities that he showed me I did. But everything I’ve ever done, at least in memory, pales in comparison to the times when I was with them, Kelsey and Amanda. Some people would claim that I’m a damn fool or a hopeless crusher, and I try to accept their points of view but try and try again I never can agree with them or believe that what I’ve had hasn’t been true and real. See with them it isn’t the same as all the other crushes I’ve had and continue to have today and tomorrow, all those crushes are physical and dreamlike and based on beautiful illusionary hopes for potential futures, unlike the potential presents that I see when I imagine time with Amanda and Kelsey. Absolutely some would argue (or is it just me who argues persistently with myself and never ever gets to hear criticism from others? Well everybody refuses to talk to me about their criticism so you can see why I have to be my own biggest critic, else-wise I would do willy-nilly everything I want to and I would end up fucked), I would argue that a crush can’t possibly be good and true when you’re hopelessly in love with two people at the same time, and that’s just pure falsity I assure you because it is not what it seems to imply in fact and by truth it isn’t some easily thrown attraction or care which leads me to two simultaneous loves but instead the pure and undeniable inconvenience of having met my two true loves at the exact same time. See, some would argue that there is a true love for everybody, and that if they get widowed then there are other true loves out there for them again, but what if one meets two of their true loves simultaneously? Since all true loves are intrinsically equal because they couldn’t possibly be true or be love without being equal, it is the only conceivable occurrence what-so-ever that one would be in love with both true loves simultaneously. A sad state of affairs it may be for the lover but even worse for me whose loveees (loves) neither of which desire to know me in the least. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so foolish as to claim true love, for I certainly do not believe in “true” love, and I especially do not believe in truth. I simply included the example of the lovers so as to illustrate point, and alas I have broken the law of this exercise already regarding the factuality that I am not supposed to save face or clarify my writing but instead write completely unhithered and as ‘bottomless as I choose.’ I am to blow as deeply as I want to blow. Which reminds me quite sincerely of a delicious sugar cookie I was supposed to purchase and therefore I would get to eat it. But that is a matter I have run into the dirt many times over. Perhaps I ought to continue in a manner which is less cryptic and more sensical, after all I am supposed to be not saving face, and being cryptic is a tool of the save facer. The greatest time that I’ve spent in my life is when I was at Amanda Cadwell’s house with her and Kelsey and luckily the fourth member of our group did not show up because she is the only unattractive member of our group, not counting myself. I do recall it quite vividly, the scene, it was a cold-ass winter night but it was the best night ever as I was in Amanda Cadwell’s house with her and Kelsey. Both of the girls where completely ‘undolled’, with messy hair and no shoes or socks what-so-ever, and this is something which to a logical mind would have set off the notion that ‘of course, these girls have no intention of wooing me in the least and thus I ought not to implant my soul in their collective memory for eternity,’ but alas I am legitimately the least usual human being you will ever meet and although my cynical thoughtful mind of course knew that their lack of dollness was a sign of unconcern over my presence, it also made me blow a metaphysical load all over my metaphysical pants because of course I prefer the appearance of an undoll to that of a doll any day of the week. No shoes, no socks, these are signs not of contempt but of uttermost intimacy to me and there is nothing more sexy to me than intimacy which is of course what I have written about in songs prior to now but after this particular incident which has changed my life and now I consider there to be two versions of Doug, the pre- and post-Modern Drama. Also power is sexy, which of course reminds me of later on when I was at the concert for Hunger-Destruction at the school, or wait it was the rehearsal. A rehearsal… just like how we were rehearsing Speed-The-Plow, except that we weren’t rehearsing Speed-The-Plow. The fan-fucking-tastic spectacular thing about the Hunger Concert is not the fact that I played on stage in front of many people, but rather the fact that Kelsey told me she liked my song “Keith’s Ballad” while we were walking to the rehearsal together. But of course I told her how I miss having her in class and to my post-emptive dismay she didn’t even realize that we did no longer have class together! Laughable, indeed, but a wonderful thing about me being in love with somebody – anybody, although needless to say I only love the most supreme of beingses – is that their personal opinion of me has absolutely nothing to do with my personal opinion of them. For example Joni Scott traditionally refuses to acknowledge my presence but that won’t stop me from constantly acknowledging hers. Likewise Amanda Cadwell apparently has no intention of speaking to me again, or at least as far as I know, and yet my love for her shall not wane. Back to the topic pre-positioned however, to the fact that power is sexy, at the concert there were jerks who were complaining and causing trouble with the overall flow of the show, and so Kelsey said to their fucking faces that they are expendable (which they were, for your information, despite being one of the best bands and a group of individuals who I do personally have much love for) and that they would be kicked out if they continued to cause trouble. Can you imagine something so grand as that? It is worthy of note that in Modern Drama class Kelsey would rarely say a word, and in fact one occurrence occurred where my Modern Drama class was viciously and stupidly assaulting the notion of ‘fashion’ for sport, Kelsey intelligently (and accurately, I do add) spoke up with force about how fashion is indeed worth while, that it includes the creativity and expression of designers, and after Amanda did comment something along the lines of “wow Kelsey I’ve never heard you speak above 2 decibels before,” to which I applauded encouragement, although Kelsey did seem slightly personally offended, and it is at this point in the writing when I make note of how I was showing agreement not out of any kind of jokingness but because, knowing the wisdom of Kelsey and the general tendency that all class discussions have to turn close-minded,  I knew more expression from her would be a vastly worthwhile contribution to the overall mental health and accuracy of the class. Also worthy of mention is the fact that I’ve been deceived occasionally into believing things that my friends whom I love have told me regarding my unrequited loves and they’ve led me to believe that such is not unrequited in the least. Alas I was toyed with unintentionally. For example one time in history class me and John Cohen were discussing how fan-fucking-tastic it was that I screamed obscenities in Mr. Simmons’ gorgeous Modern Drama class while performing Speed-The-Plow by David Mamet, and he mentioned that he was in TV class with the Ms. Kelsey Button and that she apparently “fucking love[d] [me]” and that “[I] could probably score off of that girl.” Unbeknownst to Dan (at the time) was the fact that this Kelsey was for me one of the only two super-spectacular reasons not to cease to exist. I can only hope that if it is not true now then it never was true, for otherwise it would mean I have done something to lose good standing and if that is the truth then I will lament deep dismay over not having any clue what I have done wrong. A likewise occurrence occurred regarding the potential for a relationship between Amanda Cadwell and I. Note that it is of quintessential importance to note that all I necessarily desire is acquaintanceships with these people, not love affairs per se’, for as I’ve told you these are not simple crushes but rather legitimate intrigues regarding outstanding personality, character, and overlapping interest. But other things I want to explain are these – at the house when we were performing the play I recall that Kelsey had a picture of someone when they were younger, it was a girl, could have been Maura, but I am not sure, and she was saying how it looks like ‘an attractive Chris O’Toole’, and I replied with ‘Do you mean to say that Chris O’Toole isn’t attractive?’ and she in her wisdom replied with a scoffing ‘Yes’ and I thought ‘shit, don’t I look somewhat like Chris O’Toole? At least when I’m holding a guitar?’ And ah yes I remembered that I forgot to mention that when I was talking to John Cohen I wanted sincerely to tell him to tell her that I love her with all my heart but I lacked the sufficient balls to do so and I have therefore in recent weeks been harboring plenty of balls. The greatest thing that Amanda would do, aside from being astoundingly intelligent and worthwhile, was put her hand to her chest and say “oh Doug” in the middle of daily conversations. How anyone could stand not to lose their head in facing that, I cannot claim to comprehend.
         There you have it, I have blown as deeply as I chose to blow and fucked my mind into the delicious realm of stupid honesty. I do believe that I have fulfilled the assignment and I do believe I have a new favorite writing style although I may have become too literate near the end and to be completely honest the destruction of save-face and the unabashed relinquishment of deepest, darkest, most secret ideas is a field of study which I subject my mind to constantly, and I have to admit that I have revealed almost nothing of interest in this assignment. For me to start explaining things which at all make me nervous I would have to begin discussing Mike and how he used to have anal sex with his old girlfriend. Of course he luckily doesn’t do it with his old girlfriend anymore, as that would be considered cheating. But take this not as an outing of Mike’s privacy (for surely I am sorry to have done that) but instead a note of my own outing of sorts, as I’ll suffice simply to make note of the fact that whenever I think of Mike’s old girlfriend my mind automatically strays to the night that I have previously described here which has changed my life.