Aimless Mental Jabber

10-21-04 Thursday 8:23 pm.
I had the day off today. Really an unproductive day. Played video games and lounged around. Spent a good 45 min at home depot (the one time I left the house). Not doing anything has left me lethargic and bored. I am so bored that I cant think of anything interesting to say. I love God. And I think he likes me. I in the past year or so feel like he really has my back. Thinking back to a few select memories I think that he has always had my back, I was just not paying attention. I am such a God fearing man. I ask forgiveness for my sins most of the time at least once a day. And that serves two perposes; I feel like god forgives me, I believe it and it allows me to forgive myself for doing the things I have done. I don’t pray in the usual manner. I either bow my head or look up at the sky. I don’t do the signs of the cross either. Mostly I don’t understand how that comes into play. I can see the hand folding and the bow of the head, that makes sense to me, but it doesn’t work because I usually am in public and don’t have the guts to prostrate my self. I sometimes wish I could do it my own way though at church. I would have a church that was small. Beautifully decorated with items that the Bible mentions in its shrines and temples. There would be a blessed alter that no one could walk on. Church would go as in any roman catholic church and once communion began everone would get on the floor and kneel like muslims do. 9:09pm : I just realized that I was thinking and not writing. Letting my mind drift a bit. I get comfort writing this because If all goes well I will be dead before someone reads this. How less accountable could I be. I mean what are they going to do? Yell at the dirt? I am picturing watching from my coffin and looking at someone kicking dirt and yelling me and me putting my dead arms behind my back to rest my head and smiling because I wasn’t able to hear her (who ever it is). Death; the great sleep. They sure look peacefull when people die. But that is the job of Mortician to give peace and rest to the living. I think that most people are scared shitless before they die. But then again when the body finally dies it rests . The muscles let go and I think looks peacefull. I remember how My grandma looked when she died. I looked down into her eyes past the breathing mask. They were watering and red and she was shaking. She was in a lot of pain but couldn’t even speak. I looked into her eyes and I think I said I love you but I cant remember. I hope I did. We always had a special bond. I used to write her small love notes and hide them. In her makeup desk and other places. She loved me dearly too. Like no one else has ever. She would always get so excited to see me. It was really sad to see her go. I was so self involved when she died that I didn’t appreciate it fully. The night before she died I went to my first prom with a beautiful blond girl and had the time of my life. Before we went to prom I stopped by the hospital before prom with my date, I did not know it was the the last time I would talk with her. She died the next day. I remember that We got a call at home the nurse had said “Your gma had taken a turn for the worst”, which is code for get to the hospital to say what you’ve got to say. We got to the hospital and that’s when I told her that I loved her. At the hospital my mom called my sister who lived in St. Louis, but she couldn’t get there because of a dead battery. Few times in my life have I driven that fast to St Louis and back and we pulled into the hospital and screeched the tires trying to stop. We got out and walked up to St. Joseph’s hospital and Bill was coming out and said that they had given her morphine. The pit in my gut suddenly wasn’t so deep and I thought maybe she had more time. Morphine is code for something else. Morphine though it kills the pain and get’s the patient to sleep or be carefree, also reduces blood flow and heart beat. For people who are bleeding badly or people who are dieing it is legal euthanasia. When we got of the elevator and started down the hall, I could see people walking out of her room. I took me a second but I pushed past my family and got in the room and saw her jerking, and after a few seconds she stopped jerking and became limp.