Conversation with Myself, but Not Myself

Disclaimer: This is more of a play of inner conflict than a monologue...Entries separated by a ~ are different occurrences.

Cast:
NARRATOR: Combination of the INNERS and OUTER, knows the story well because she live it. She is me.
INNER 1: insecure, afraid, usually portraited with INNER 2, but sometimes does her own thing...
INNER 2: insecure, but also knows that God loves her more than anything and is confident in that knowledge.
OUTER: outer aspect of the INNERS
hIM: Demon that was once the INNERS and OUTER's lover... different story, and yes, hIS name is like on purpose.
NEEVA: female friend that just wants to help... Is the voice of God in human form.
GOD: Loves all the characters, wants to help.
ROOMMATE: Conserned about the solitary behavior of OUTER.

Note: Neeva, and roommate can't hear the Inners unless Outer reveals the Inner's thoughts...

Setting: Small private college in rural midwest. Out side is a foot of snow, inside is a  dorm room on the forth floor where 3 female college students live.

~
INNER 1 TO hIM: Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you? Am I making believe I see in you, a man too perfect to be really true? Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream, or are you really as beautiful as you seem? Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you?
~
INNER 2: Shut up! I feel like I’m going crazy! Someone help me! I feel like I’m trapped in a tiny box that’s shrinking! Give me an air hole! Please God! I can’t breathe! God, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do with my life? Where are the clowns? Send in the bloody clowns! I’m lying here paralyzed with fear! Fear of change, fear of pain, fear of the lonliness I’m feeling right now.
ROOMMATE: Are you ok?
OUTER: Yeah, I’m fine...
INNER 1 AND 2: I’m not ok. I want someone physical to hold me, stroke my hair and love me. To tell me I’m fine. To tell me this is where I belong. Not some limbo between childhood and adulthood. I feel like I’m stuck here with no where to go. Help me...
~
INNER 1: I feel him. He’s here, kneeling beside my bed. He strokes my neck with his cold fingers. I grant him easy access and he bites that pulsing vein. Am I imagining this euphoria or is he really there? Do I just imagine the pain as my life force leaves me? I feel sick...
INNER 2: Pain, wait! This is bad! Stop!
hIM: Do you really want me to stop?
INNER 1: No,
INNER 2: I mean, yes
INNER 1: I mean, no... Stop?
NARRATOR: I sleep. I wake the next morning, fearful of the encounter, unsure if it was just a dream... The next night, the same occurance. He doesn’t offer his neck because he knows I won’t take it... I make the mistake of tell my friend, Neeva...
NEEVA: This isn’t good. You should stop... hE’s evil. You’ve been down this road and it almost led to your destruction..
OUTER: I know, but I can’t stop. He makes me feel wanted, loved...
NARRATOR: I ask God what I should do, but I don’t listen to the answer. I walk back to my room alone, and he approaches me. I find myself hearing his thoughts as they become mine...
hIM: Don’t ignore me. I know you feel me, walking next to you, my hand is reaching out to you, can you feel it? I know you do, in the pit of your stomach...
INNER 1 AND 2: Yes I do, but it’s wrong...
NARRATOR: I push him away. He stays until I immerse myself in homework... That night he comes again. I tell him no, cry out to God. He stops his advances when I softly sing Psalm 23...
INNER 1 AND 2: The Lord is my Shepard and I shall not want for He makes me to lie down in green pastures and He leads me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul and He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Namesake. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall feel no evil. For Thou art with me... Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me, My cup runeth over, Thou preparests a table before me in the presence of my enemies. And I’m gonna dwell in the house of the Lord forever...
NARRATOR: I leave parts out, because I’m scared, and I don’t really have it memorized. I ask God,
INNER 1 AND 2: Please take him away from me!
GOD: I can’t, how can I take him away when you won’t give him to Me?
NARRATOR: I begin to cry and let him go. In my mind I see myself lying down in green pastures next to a burbling brook. A shield of bright light surrounds me like a bubble and separates me from the fiend. The part of me that loves him crawls to the edge,
INNER 1: I’m sorry.
hIM: Then let me back in.
INNER 2: I can’t
NARRATOR: My rational side is cradling my irrational inner child as she weeps. He stares me in the eye and becomes ugly. His mouth enlarges by 3 and his teeth become 2 inches long and pointy. His eyes become black pits... I continue to cry, but I am not afraid...
~