Dear Zoe

Dear Zoe, blue bird flying towards the sun;

Blue bird flying towards the sun.  That’s my nickname for you, I never told you that. I thought of you one late fall day while I watched the sun set. I do that a lot. Purple clouds streaked across an orange sky.  The sinking sun shot its last and brightest rays of the day.  And a brilliant spot of blue flew towards the sunset, batting its wings against the wind, flying higher and higher in the sky, like silent music. I thought of you. 

So, you became the blue bird flying towards the sun.

My dearest Zoe, there is so much to say but how do I put into words in which you would understand? How do I put it so you will not be angrier with me than you already are? There is a lot to explain.  I know.  You blame me for a lot of the pain you have endured, but I didn’t mean for it to end up the way it did.  In time you will forgive me. And it is through this letter that I have to apologize to you as you are not in a place right now where I can communicate with you.

Not that communicating with you has ever been an easy task.

You were such a precocious child, all I hoped for, even more so the young woman you became. You had a true heart that never wavered from the things you were passionate about.  And your passion, yes! Your passion!  Of course as we know now that that passion would have a dark side. A dark side that would lead us to where we are now and why I write these words to you. I should have seen that that intense passion could be dangerous that it could eat you up inside.

I should have seen it.

You had such big dreams, lots of them too.  They were well within your reach, you just needed to believe in yourself, like I believed in you.  I know it is difficult to understand that some things happen for a reason even the bad things, especially now after what has happened.  It was essential that you endure the hard times, it was a risk, I know, I knew that then.  However, I really did not believe that things would happen as they did. Things that are bad and difficult teach us lessons and we grow from them. 

Because, my dear Zoe, nothing grows from contentment. And you blossomed.

I can see you now in my mind’s eye.  Dancing in the wind before a storm. Long black hair flipping in the breeze, bright blue eyes piercing the gray skies. I see you, sitting by the window, watching the snowfall at dusk, when street lamps glow softly in the whiteness. I see you walking in the woods, lifting your face up to catch glimmers of sunlight peeking through the trees. Such simple things you enjoyed carried you someplace beyond reality.

Such simple things carried you to your own personal heaven.

You wanted to love so much. Of course you did! You had so much love to give.  There was the young man you fell in love with. I never realized that you would love so intensely, with your entire being. You asked me to let you have him.  But there wasn’t any way for me to let you know that he wasn’t the one. That there was someone for you, but you never got that far.

Just wait, I whispered to you while you slept.  A little longer and the one will come.

But you didn’t hear me. You tried so hard to fit in but you were different. You didn’t realize that you were not meant to be like everybody else. Of course, you didn’t see it that way.  You felt that others thought you were strange, you were sure they called you freak when you weren’t listening. I never realized that you would struggle so much of your life to find your place in the world.  But you had your place, unique and extraordinary.

The orange streaked sky was yours and yours alone.

However, your passion turned to desperation. Desperate to make sense of your life. Desperate for someone to notice you.  I saw you…I saw you.  I heard you.  My dear, dear beautiful Zoe, my passionate fiery spirit, my fallen angel...

My blue bird flying towards the sun.

I never meant for you to get so sad and to loose hope.  You yelled at me and blamed me for how miserable you were. I wanted to help but I believed that you would get through it.  You lost all faith in me.  You stopped believing in me.  I knew that this was part of the risk but I never stopped loving you. Forgiveness is one of my strong suits. All of those nights you cried yourself to sleep, I wanted to reach out to you.

But you had already shut me out.  The veil came down and I could not get through.

Plans backfire and contrary to popular belief I am not perfect.  People either think they have me all figured out or that I work in mysterious ways. It’s one extreme or the other, it makes me very angry at times.  Everyone expects me to be everywhere. They think that I know everything and why are they so hell bent on trying to figure me out? Pardon my language.  But sometimes things get out of hand,

I can’t control everything, free will and all of that junk.

Your will. I should have seen your will, I should have seen how strong it was. I should have been more careful with you.  I should have watched you more carefully.  I should have realized that your passion would be far too much for the real world. I should have been more careful with the things that I threw into your path.  I shouldn’t have gotten so confident.

I should have realized that you were flying too close to the sun.

But my dear, dear Zoe, why did you do what you did? Why didn’t you hang on a little longer?  Why did you have to put that gun to your head?  Why did you have to pull the trigger? 

Why?

How sad I felt!  Oh how I felt that I had failed you!  What could I have done differently?  Did you not realize how many would be sad once you were gone? Did you not realize how your beauty and sadness would haunt others until the day they died?  If only you could have seen the poetry of your soul behind those piercing blue eyes.  If only you could have seen…

My dearest Zoe, my little blue bird flying towards the sun. I will see to it that you find peace.


Sincerely yours,
God

P.S. I know you are stuck in an odd place right now, but don’t worry I’m working on it.