The Diary of Jeremy Part 2

April 1

No one forgot what day it was. People played a lot of mean tricks on me today. Bruce told me my head was on fire. I didn’t believe him, so he set my head on fire. Jessica said she would kiss me. As I leaned in, she moved out of the way, and I kissed Terence who was behind her. Our mouth locked. Terence was sick – into my mouth. Malcolm pushed me down five flights of stairs at high speeds. Eugene replaced my cup of tea with a cup of vinegar. I drank it and spat it out all over Bruce, who made me eat the entire 600-page French-English dictionary. Even Ronald tripped me up and I knocked myself out on a railing. Bruce clapped Ronald on the back, looking proud of him, but judging from the fact that Ronald looks paralysed and near-dead, I think his spine has collapsed. Ronald was rushed to hospital. So was I, but I was turned away at the door. I was rushed to the next-best thing, a dentist. The dentist was very annoyed when I asked him to mend my head, and threw me out. The opticians wouldn’t listen either.

April 2

Bruce pushed me into the school nurse today. The nurse fell down a flight of stairs and had to be rushed to hospital.

April 3

Today was the trip to the zoo. It was very eventful. The coach left the school at nine o clock. Terence was sick everywhere; Bruce started bullying the driver, causing him to veer dangerously across all the lanes of the motorway; Eugene slipped on the sick and crashed through a window onto the motorway and we had to reverse to get him before he got run over (causing a huge pile-up of cars); Ronald started crying; Lawrence got bashed about the head by his huge Dungeons and Dragons rulebooks, and we had to make a detour to the hospital; someone whacked me on the back so hard that I lurched forward and got my head stuck in the seat in front of me (everyone ignored me); somebody removed my underpants, Terence was sick in them, and then they were put back on me; Mr Clogg tried to restore order but failed; Herbert was crammed into the overhead compartments, and Malcolm decided to put a blindfold on the bus driver, with the result that he couldn’t see where he was going, flattened a McDonalds and caused a huge fire in some quiet suburbs that has already claimed seventy-one lives.
    We arrived at the zoo at two o clock. The zoo closed at five o clock, so we all rushed round. Bruce was in his element. He was throwing geeks into animal exhibits left, right and centre. I was tossed into the mountain goat habitat. They thought I was a rival male goat and two of them kept slamming into me, passing me from one goat to another. I was rushed to the vet. They realised I wasn’t a mountain goat and rushed me to the hospital. The hospital staff said the damage was irreparable. I was rushed back to the zoo.
    Malcolm and Bruce had released the animals from their cages. People were running around and screaming. I tried to save Jessica from a crocodile, but accidentally slipped and fell into the crocodile’s mouth. Chaos erupted everywhere. Terence was sick, and some zoo keepers tranquilised him, whilst everyone else ran back to the coach. The zoo closed at two thirty and the head zoo keeper said it would never be reopening. He also said that the school owed the zoo £33 million of damage. Mr Clogg quickly boarded the coach, and, leaving half of the students stranded in the zoo, ordered the driver to drive off.
    Lawrence, Herbert and I were safely on the coach, but so was Bruce. He started a game of bowling down the aisle. Lawrence, Herbert and I were the pins and Terence was the ball. Bruce bowled Terence down the aisle; sick splattered everywhere, and Terence hit us. Lawrence flew through the windshield; the coach ran him over and didn’t bother stopping. I flew into the driver. In his rage, he drove the coach off a bridge into a river. Water starting flooding in. We escaped through the smashed windshield.
    There is a huge story about it all on the news today. The fire in the suburbs has spread across much of England. Many wild animals have escaped. The zoo has closed down permanently. The coach in the river hit a boat and capsized it. The pile-up on the motorway is the worst seen in seventeen years, and the school has been closed down.

April 4

The school still hasn’t opened. I’ve locked myself in my basement to calm my nerves. I tried to tell my father about yesterday’s events, but he was too drunk to listen. I think he has liver failure.

April 5

I accidentally shut myself in my own fridge today. I was in there for five hours before my drunken dad opened it to look for some beer cans. He told me to stop playing around. My lips had frozen together, so I was unable to reply.

April 6

According to the news, steamroller-related accidents have risen by 98% in the last week. I am afraid to even go outside now.

April 7

My grandmother died again today. I am very confused.

April 8

I went round to Herbert’s house today. Gerbert was there, reading a book called ‘How to Build Robotic Body Parts’. He is quite an odd boy. I rarely see him at school, and he spends his days in his bedroom with his strangely-titled books. In a few years, he’ll probably end up working in McDonalds with no friends and a bully pummelling him every day, the poor guy. 

April 9

Lawrence told me that Fergus has misplaced Brutus. That means he’s running around the streets somewhere. I am fearful for my life. I have decided to take my limited edition purple lightsaber (to coincide with the release of The Phantom Menace) everywhere I go.

April 10

Bruce broke my lightsaber. I am now defenceless. Even worse, rats have infested my house!

April 11

There is a rumour going around school. Mr Clogg and Mrs Crumplebunt are having an affair! Apparently, Terence caught them engaging in sexual activities behind the bike shed and was sick everywhere. Parents are complaining. My father has been missing for several days.  I am quite worried about him – he has probably fallen victim to Brutus.

April 12

Bruce locked me in a cupboard where Mr Clogg and Mrs Crumplebunt were using body parts that should not be used in front of children. I am very disturbed, so much so that not even the friendly and furry face of Chewbacca could get me going after that.

April 13

I have signed up for a French exchanged. A boy called Pierre is coming to my house, and I am going to Pierre’s house. I have not told my father. He will probably be too drunk to even notice.

April 14

I tried to save Jessica from Brutus today, but failed. I fell and got my head caught in a grid. I was rushed to hospital to have the grid surgically removed. I heard the doctor muttering about ‘surgically removing his head as well’, which I was very worried about. Luckily, he only removed the grid. As I was walking out of the hospital, the sliding doors slammed shut on my head. I was rushed back into the hospital. The new hospital manager committed suicide.

April 15

Brutus has finally been caught after chasing a milk float for five miles. It took fourteen police officers, four vets and two zookeepers to catch him. Herbert said he wished Boris would run away. I went round to his house and saw that Boris had been allowed to run wild. The house now only had two walls, where it had once had four. It’s a wonder that it is still standing.
    Gerbert came out of his room today. He was reading a book called ‘How to Obtain Weapons of Mass Destruction’. A highly unusual book for a boy of sixteen to be reading, I thought. I offered to lend him ‘Analysing the Spacecraft of Star Wars’, but he angrily declined.

April 18

Lost my diary. Only just found it crammed down the back of the fridge. Some rats have taken a few bites out of it, but I’m sure it will be fine. The rat problem has grown larger. I kicked the body of my drunken father, but it was actually a large clump of rats clambering on top of each other. I asked to borrow Boris to deal with the problem but he accidentally swallowed a rat and had to be rushed to the vet. I doubt Herbert will ever go and collect her.

April 19

I told Ronald about my rat problem. He said he would lend me his snake, Fluffy. I released Fluffy into my house and he slithered away. To kill some rats, I hope.
    Ronald’s father came round and told me they had found my father asleep in a bus depot, where he had been for several days, and had prevented the buses from leaving. They brought him home. I decided not to tell him about Fluffy, just in case he was angry.

April 20

Fluffy has vanished. So has my father. The rats are continuing to multiple. I hope Fluffy hasn’t eaten my father…

April 21

My father has returned from the shop. He left the house yesterday at eight in the morning. There is still no sign of Fluffy, and the rat problem has grown so large it can probably be seen from space. My dad has just noticed. He bought a cat and released it in the house. The rats quickly consumed it. We decided, for the good of our health, we had better evacuated. We spent the night at Herbert’s house, but Boris kept bounding in and savaging us. Plus, there seem to be an awful lot of miniature explosions and manic laughing coming from Gerbert’s room. We have decided to look for further accommodation.

April 22

We spent the night at Lawrence’s house, but Fergus kept playing ‘knock and run’, and Brutus somehow managed to infiltrate the house and knocked me over whilst I was urinating. In the scuffle, the toilet seat slammed on my penis, and I was rushed to hospital. The doctors and nurses laughed gleefully. We have decided to find further accommodation.

April 23

We spent the night at Eugene’s house. I couldn’t bear all the Star Trek memorabilia and ran out screaming. I have decided to find further accommodation.

April 24

I tried to spend the night at Ronald’s house, but he told me he wouldn’t let me in until I found Fluffy. I then tried to spend the night with Jessica. She slapped me. I tried spending the night at Mr Clogg’s house, but he and Mrs Crumplebunt kept me awake, so I left. I then tried Bruce’s house, but he laughed and said he would let me if I got naked. I did so. Bruce stole my clothes and shut the door. I wandered the streets, naked. I fell asleep at a bus stop, but a homeless guy kicked me out. I’m a sad, pathetic boy, I’ve realised – almost as pathetic as Ronald.

April 25

Some exterminators came round to look at our house. They gassed the entire street. Three people have died.

April 26

I happily left England and went on my French exchange trip. Pierre will have an unpleasant surprise when he sees the state of our home. I boarded a plane and flew to Germany. I realised I was in the wrong country and tried to catch another flight, didn’t have enough money and decided to walk to France. I got run over by a plane on the runway. I was rushed to hospital. The hospital staff wondered angrily why I couldn’t have been sent to a hospital in Germany instead of coming all the way back to England.

April 30

I have finally made it to France. Pierre’s parents are very nice, much nicer than my father. Even better, I can ignore them because I haven’t a clue what they are saying since I don’t speak a word of French. Still, when I accidentally let their flock of sheep out of their pen and they ram amok through the house, I could tell they were saying rude and angry things to me.

May 1

No one has rounded up the sheep yet. I have found them in annoying places, such as the toilet bowl, the pantry and the wardrobe. Pierre’s parents have gone ballistic. Pierre’s father has had a heart attack from all the stress. We tried to rush him to the hospital in the car, but there were seven sheep inside it, so we had to walk him there. The hospital was thirteen miles away. Once we had reached the seven-mile mark, his father seemed to recover and said he was fine. We walked back, but he had another heart attack when he saw the state of his house again. I tried to phone for an ambulance, but a sheep had eaten the phone. We eventually had to drive him there in the back of a combine harvester. It’s maximum speed is 8 mp/h, but we couldn’t even reach that because we were stuck behind a steamroller for the majority of the journey.

May 2

I got a letter from Pierre. It was written in French, so I purchased a French-English dictionary to see what it said.

Dear Jeremy (aka. Dickhead),
                                              I do not like your house. There are many rats living here and a snake tried to eat me today. I thought it was very selfish of you to leave your house in such a condition. Also, your neighbourhood is not very pleasant. It is filled with geeks. One of them has a dog that nearly killed me, and another one threw some rulebooks at me when I said I despised Dungeons and Dragons.
    Your school is far from nice. A bully keeps beating me up, and asks for money. Whenever I show him my euros, he shoves them up my nose! Somebody was sick on me today, and I am sitting next to another geek who keeps crying. He says his father has just starting beating him up! To top it off, your teachers seems far too interested in indulging in unpleasant activities with each other than to teach us anything, with the result that a huge riot has broken out. Policeman with sticks have come to calm the chaos, but some of them seem to have joined the riot. Then a fire started, but the firemen seemed more interesting in soaking each other than putting out the fire. I have decided that I dislike England very much and your neighbourhood is a complete disgrace.
    And I have not even started on your family. Your mother showed up wearing very little clothing, and your drunken father said, ‘Who the bloody hell are you?’ when he first saw me. Perhaps I am judging your country a little too soon, but I think it is utterly atrocious.

Yours angrily,

Pierre

P.S. My father has high blood pressure. Please try and make sure he remains calm at all times.

I was happy to see that Pierre was enjoying himself. As for Pierre’s father, he was making a recovery in the hospital. Pierre’s mother and myself tried to deal with the sheep problem, but they have started eating everything. They even tried to eat my diary!

May 3

The French dictionary has proved quite useful. I now realised that Pierre’s father has been using the ‘F’ word to me quite a lot. I thought he had just been saying hello.

May 4

Living in Pierre’s farmhouse is becoming unbearable. I couldn’t wash myself today because the sheep had eaten the soap and were sneezing bubbles everywhere. Still, it can’t be worse than living in my rat-infested house back home…

May 5

The French exchange has ended. Pierre has come home early. He punched me in the face when he found out all that had happened. I was rushed to hospital on the combine harvester.

May 10

Only just arrived at the hospital in England. The doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, and looked very annoyed that the combine harvester had been parked in the waiting room. The new hospital manager had a fit when he saw it. There was hay everywhere, as well as a sheep who had clung to the back of the vehicle. The hotel manager committed suicide.

May 11

I was welcomed back today. Herbert, Lawrence and I had a big geeky day in Lawrence’s basement. The rats have vanished, thankfully, and I could move back into my own house. My father asked where the hell I had been before he collapsed. The new hotel manager came round to my house today and angrily gave me the sheep. Since there is nowhere else it can go, it will have to stay with me. I have called it Leroy.

May 12

I introduced Leroy to Boris today. They got on rather well…unless they fought each other savagely. I tried to get between them, but got horribly mutilated and had to be rushed to hospital.

May 13

What a frightful day it has been! I got locked in the girls’ changing room (thanks to Bruce) and had to hide behind the shower curtain when the girls came back to get changed. I peeked around and saw Jessica pulling on some clothes. I think that is the first time in a month that my penis has moved that quickly. I decided to indulge in a spot of masturbation whilst I was able (who knew how long it would be before I would be able to do so again), but Jessica pulled back the curtain and spotted me.
    How very embarrassing it was. Somebody took a photograph and it was around school within minutes. Even Mrs Crumplebunt had a good laugh (in between kissing Mr Clogg’s neck). I decided to lock myself in the bike shed for the rest of my life. However, I still didn’t have any pants on and my penis got caught in the bike chain. I had to be rushed to hospital. The doctors and nurses laughed and took photographs. Some doctor even told me to wait where I was whilst he went to get his grandfather from a care home. His grandfather had a good laugh too. Oh, how insensitive of them! I’m in this hospital almost every day – I’m practically a permanent resident.

May 14

I couldn’t bear going to school today so I stayed home. I found Fluffy in the toilet and put him in the hamster cage. I realised the mess the rats had caused and decided to decorate the house. I re-wallpapered the walls, but accidentally wallpapered three pictures, a door, my father, two windows, Leroy and a dead rat. Herbert came over after school and helped me dig my way out of my house. My dad isn’t going to be very pleased.

May 15

My dad went crazy when he saw the hole in the living room. He fell into a coma and was rushed to hospital. I tried to paint the dining room, but Leroy invaded the house, stepped in the paint and walked all over the house, leaving pink hoofprints everywhere. My dad returned home from hospital and had a fit when he saw the mess. The paramedics committed suicide. We now have an ambulance on our driveway.

May 16

After the bike incident, I don’t like riding my bike to school anymore. Today, I decided to walk. I was two hours late. I was shouted at repeatedly, and when asked why I didn’t ask my father to give me a lift, I accidentally told them that he was an alcoholic. Now social services are coming round tomorrow.

May 17

When I told my dad about social services, he had a fit and drove himself to hospital in the ambulance. We quickly tidied the house up as best we could, but the social services came round before we had finished, and judging from their frowns and disapproving nods, they weren’t very impressed. At least my father wasn’t drunk. Well, he wasn’t when the social services came. He was when they left, fifteen minutes later. They said they would get in touch as soon as possible.

May 18

We went on a geology trip today into the hills. After our disastrous trip to the zoo, I was very anxious, and I was right to be. Bruce pushed me all the way back down the hill and I had to climb all the way back up again. Ronald started crying and told me his father had started beating him for being such as ‘whining, pathetic, spineless geek’. Privately, I agreed with his father. If only Ronald was a fine specimen of a young man (such as myself), he wouldn’t have these problems. When we finally reached the rocks we were supposed to be looking at, Terence was sick all over them, and we had to walk back down. I wasn’t happy.

May 19

We’ve started doing gymnastics at school. There were no spare vaulting horses, so Bruce used me as one. I think my spine has cracked.

May 20

A letter from the social services arrived today. My father was too drunk to read it, so I had to.

Dear Mr Geekson,
                            I’m afraid the report of your living conditions is not good. Not only did I discover you are keeping a sheep illegally in your backyard, but I also discovered copious dead rats in the basement and attic, and there was a snake in your kettle. I am also probably right in thinking that the ambulance in your front garden is not yours, and there seems to be a dead body in the back of it, which is decomposing.
    And I have not yet moved on to your physical condition, which is, to be frank, abysmal. You drank an entire bottle of vodka in ten minutes and then asked me to marry you. I, unsurprisingly, declined your offer. I think you should consider your child once in a while, and if improvements are not made, action will have to be taken.

Yours regretfully,

Mr Alan Reeves

Not so bad after all. And I was worried I would have to be put into care. I celebrated by having a Star Wars night with Lawrence and Herbert.

May 21

I’ve joined the chess club at school. It’s better than being bullied by Bruce every dinner. My first opponent was Eugene. He easily won. After the incident the last time I played chess, I decided not to launch the board across the room. However, I’m beginning to seriously get annoyed at Eugene. I can see a deep and hateful rivalry forming between us. He is so smug and arrogant – just because Jessica accidentally kissed him on the cheek last week (He got his comeuppance though; when Bruce found out, he made Eugene drink water from the tap until it sprayed out of his ears).

May 22

Ronald beat me at chess. Despite his constant wailing about his abusive father, he still managed to win me. I launched the board across the room in frustration. It hit Mr Clogg in the face. He gave me detention.

May 23

Terence beat me at chess. He was sick everywhere. My detention involved cleaning up his sick and polishing the chess pieces. It was horrible work. Bruce and Malcolm came to ‘help’ me; they shoved chess pieces up my nose. They are still there. I tried to get them out, but I only managed in pushing them up into my brain.

May 24

Leroy beat me at chess. I’m getting quite annoyed now.

May 25

Turns out I’d got chess and monopoly mixed up! No wonder I was losing so many games. Now that I know the rules, I’ll be able to play properly now, and beat everyone.

May 26

Fluffy beat me at chess.

May 27

My rivalry with Eugene has intensified. He now has his eye on Jessica. Well, we’ll see who emerges victorious! I tripped Eugene up as he tried to impress her, and he fell into the dinner queue, knocking everyone down. Jessica almost looked at me kindly, but she quickly restrained herself.
    Eugene later got his revenge on me, though. He said he’d give me a pleasant surprise if I lay down in the middle of the car park. I did so, and Mr Clogg ran over me in his car. I was rushed to hospital. The ambulance ran over Eugene on the way. We are both being rushed to hospital.

May 28

My rivalry with Eugene continues. As I was recovering in hospital, Eugene wheeled my bed down the corridor and pushed it down the stairs. I heard him laughing as I landed in the waiting room, zoomed out of the hospital and into the car park. An ambulance ran over me. I was rushed back into hospital. The bed ran over Eugene. He was rushed to a bed.

May 29

The doctor said to me, ‘You have a broken spine, skull and three broken ribs. However, we have all voted, and we have decided to discharge you. Goodbye.’ They wheeled me out the hospital and left me there. My dad came in his ambulance to pick me up. Unsurprisingly, he was drunk and the ambulance careered into another ambulance. The new hospital manager has committed suicide. I have begun to see that most of the hotel staff are taking their own lives. I don’t know why.

May 30

I got a pleasant letter from Pierre today. It said:

Dear Jeremy,
                    I officially despise you. My dad keeps having heart attacks, there are sheep everywhere, we still haven’t got our combine harvester back, and I seem to have contracted the plague from the rats and spread it across the whole of France. My dad said he’s going to come to England and kill you and your family.

Yours hatefully,

Pierre

I showed the letter to my dad. He didn’t seem worried. He also didn’t seem conscious, though, so that may have been why.

May 31

Bruce decided to rearrange Ronald’s vital organs today. Ronald was rushed to hospital. Boris got ran over by the ambulance. Herbert seems quite gleeful. He says he can get a peaceful night’s rest without being woken up by Boris tugging on his genitals.

June 1

Fergus is going away on holiday. Brutus is staying with Herbert for a few days. Herbert isn’t very happy.

June 2

With Fergus away, Lawrence and I decided to get our revenge on him. We set some fireworks off in his house. They ricocheted off the walls and bounced back towards me before exploding. Lawrence accidentally swallowed one and it exploded in his stomach. We are both being rushed to the morgue. (The annoyed paramedics decided to miss out the hospital part because of the high number of suicides there).

June 3

Bruce put superglue on the toilet seat, and I foolishly sat on it. I can’t move now, and I can’t even pull my pants up. Herbert tried to help me, but Bruce told him the same thing would happen to him if he didn’t leave. Herbert quickly disappeared.

June 4

I’m still stuck on the toilet seat. Food is becoming scarce. Bruce suggested that I eat my own faeces, but I didn’t agree. But then Bruce’s suggestion turned into a command so I ate my own faeces.

June 5

Bruce started paying students 50p to laugh and gawk at me on the toilet seat. I think he made a £100. I saw Herbert and Lawrence amongst the crowd, the traitors! Eugene came in and threw a banana at me. Bruce needed the toilet, but realised I was sitting on the only one (Mr Clogg and Mrs Crumplebunt were in the other cubicle), so he took a dump on me instead. Great, now I’ve got excrement on my diary…

June 6

I think the skin of my bum has fused with the toilet seat I’ve been here for so long.

June 7

I’m still on the toilet. I might need to start eating my diary for nourishment…

June 8

Finally, salvation! I managed to yank the toilet seat up of the toilet. I may still have a toilet seat stuck to me rear end, and I might still have my pants around my ankles, but at least I am free now. I waddled to the hospital to have it surgically removed. I think someone committed suicide when they saw me.

June 9

Well, the toilet seat is finally off. And just in time. It was parent’s evening tonight. My father hadn’t noticed my absence in the past few days, and went to the school drunk. He made a pass at Mrs Crumplebunt, and Mr Clogg punched him. Bruce punched Eugene; Jack punched Mr Clogg; my father punched me by accident; Jack punched Ronald (I don’t think that was an accident), and soon there was a massive brawl. My report card is now covered in blood, and my dad has been arrested.

June 10

My dad has escaped from prison. The fact he did it in a drunken and half-conscious state really shows how bad the police service in this town actually is. I gave Jack a few doughnuts and handed him Fluffy back. He said he wouldn’t arrest my father again. I heard him giving Ronald a good beating inside the house as I walked away.

June 11

Lawrence said he was abducted by an alien named Kevin last night and probed horribly. He can be a bit silly at times, that Lawrence. As if he actually expects me to believe him. Bruce knocked some sense in to him today. Well, he knocked him out, anyway…

June 12

The vet phoned Herbert today to say they were putting down Boris because he had killed the other patients and three vets. Herbert didn’t seem terribly sad at this news.

June 13

Work experience has started today. I’m working in a supermarket. It isn’t terribly exciting. Bruce came in and knocked a shelf on top of me. I was rushed to hospital. The new hospital manager said I would go to Hell after all the things I have done to the hospital staff.

June 14

Bruce has become a regular visitor to the supermarket, except his never buys anything, he only come in to injure me. Today, he decided to see how much I cost by running me past the sensor at the checkout. I am worth £1.20 apparently. The supermarket manager tried to object when Bruce started making me eat carrots until I was sick everywhere, but Bruce simply punched him in the face.

June 15

Bruce stuffed me in a trolley and rolled me into the car park. I got hit by no less than fourteen vehicles, one of which was a steamroller. The trolley is being rushed to be fixed. I am being rushed nowhere.

June 16

I, Jeremy Geekson, am gay. I also have a small penis.

June 17

Stupid Eugene for stealing my diary and writing the previous entry. I must find out where he gets his information from… Anyway, work experience ended today. Eugene came in and told the supermarket manager that I was eating a Kit Kat that I hadn’t paid for. What a liar! It was a Galaxy! I really do hate that boy! If only I could grab his Star Trek-saluting hands and jam them up his scabby nostrils…

June 18

Some nurses came in and gave us vaccines today. I recognised one of the nurses from the hospital. She didn’t look too happy when she saw me. She tried to jab me with the needle with more force and vigour than was necessary, but I suddenly remember that I was mortally afraid of needles and flailed about madly. I hit a nurse in the face. She stood up, claimed that she had had enough, and then committed suicide. I have been suspended from school for ‘slowly destroying society’. When Bruce told the nurses how he made my life a living hell, the nurses gave him some sweets.

June 19

Since I am suspended, I spent my day wandering the streets. I caught sight of Gerbert with his nose in a book called ‘How to Create a Robotic Servant’. He’s an odd person. 

June 20

Fergus has returned from holiday. He is grumpier than ever. He complained about the weather, how slow the traffic was moving, how narrow the road was, how fast the traffic was moving, how small the house was, how pathetic the view was, how alive the food was, how cold the sea was, how sandy the beach was, how fresh the air was, how hard the toilet was to work, how hard it was to find someone who knew who to work the toilet, how difficult it was to remove himself from the toilet, how narrow the lines on the paper were, how grumpy the residents were, how noisy the seagulls were, how quiet the seagulls were when Fergus had shot them, and so on. It went on, but I went home and left Lawrence to deal with it by himself. 

June 21

I’m allowed back in school, as long as I stay quiet and annoy nobody. However, apparently, reading my Star Wars Guide to the Galaxy at the top of my voice during lunch is classified as ‘annoying’ and I was not only suspended again, but sent to hospital to have my larynx removed. The school staff happily gave the doctors £400 to do the operation.

June 22

I am without a voice! Writing in this diary is the only form of communication I have, and even then, Leroy keeps eating parts of it. My father paid the hospital 40p to put my larynx back in. The hospital happily declined the offer. Bruce started punching me hard in the stomach and said he would stop if I asked him to. Of course, as he knows, I am unable to do so, so he has been punching me for forty-five minutes straight. I think my stomach has imploded.

June 23

Jessica said she would go out with me if I asked her. But, alas, I cannot! Eugene asked her out instead, and she kissed him. They are going to the cinema this weekend! Hah, we shall see about that!

June 24

Finally, I have my voice back. My mother heard about the situation and came home to pay the hospital £1000 to have my larynx put back in. She then kicked my father in the kidney (he must be dead now – after all, his kidney’s already failing) and gave me a parrot to keep me company in the basement. I have decided to call it Bernard, and tried to teach it some simple words (such as Chewbacca and Boba Fett), but it must have been in the vicinity of my mother because it keeps saying things such as, ‘Oooh, yes, harder, faster’ and, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very big now, is it?’. When he first said that, I was naked, and tried to explain to the silly parrot that the size of my genitals was down to the cold temperature of the room. I looked at the thermometer. It was 32 degrees.

June 25

Bernard has become very annoying. It keeps saying inappropriate words so loudly and so frequently that even my father sobered up enough to come downstairs and shout at me. I showed Bernard to Bruce. Bernard called Bruce ‘an ugly fat gibbon’. Bruce said he would never hurt an animal. He therefore beat me up brutally. He shoved a variety of objects up my anus (including chill powder, Lawrence’s Dungeons and Dragons rulebook, a globe, and football), before pushing me in front of a moving train. I was rushed to hospital. The doctor advised me to emigrate to New Zealand before I was assassinated by the hospital staff.

June 26

It was Eugene’s date with Jessica today. I decided to follow them, and dragged Herbert and Lawrence with me. I tiptoed into the film and sat behind them. I was ‘alpha’. Herbert was ‘beta’ – he was situated at the film entrance. Lawrence was ‘gay’ – he was situated outside. We all had walkie-talkies. Lawrence started asking why he had to be called gay, so I stopped answering the walkie-talkie.
    Suddenly, I saw Eugene and Jessica leaning in to kiss. I stared in horror, then stood up and shouted, ‘BOMB! THERE’S A BOMB!’ That stopped the kissing. Everyone screamed and ran around in panic. Unfortunately, somebody thought I had shouted, ‘I have a bomb!’ and I was tackled to the floor and punched repeatedly in the face. Herbert and Lawrence apparently heard the commotion for they ran in…and started beating me up as well!
    ‘Why did you do that?’ I demanded afterwards.
    ‘They said you had a bomb,’ they protested. The idiots. I was sent to hospital to have my wounds stitched up. The hospital staff stitched my mouth up instead. They said I was a ‘problem to society and deserved to be murdered’.

June 27

I tried playing chess again today. Mr Giggles, the teddy bear, beat me. I became enraged and punched Leroy. Leroy rammed me into a wall seventy-seven times. I was rushed to hospital. The hospital inexplicably had a sign that said, ‘Closed due to nuclear radiation’. I saw the hospital staff remove the sign after I’d been dumped in the streets by the ambulance. The ambulance ran over me as it sped away. Another ambulance picked me up. I was rushed to Australia.

June 28

A kangaroo beat me at chess.

June 29

A shrub beat me at chess.

June 30

Ayer’s Rock beat me at chess.

June 31

My chess board beat me at chess.