UNDEFINED

My emotions are undefined. There that is it. This is just a raw blend of emotions. It started out to be one thing, and then ended up another. Just let the pen flow, the mind wander and the deep truth will come in the end. Here goes nothing, might not even make sense to you, but to me…………..What do I want to be when I grow up? What do any of us want to be? Most of us dream and want to become more than what we actually turn in to. What happens to that dream? Where does it go? It is more than materialism, it is emotion, and it is who we are what we are. Do you understand? What is deep inside you? Care to see what is inside me? I'd only scare you, I think. You will judge me, but I not you. I know who I am and what I'm made of, yet, I truly don't know if it's real. Or do I just have many sides to myself that it seems like only one or two of me should be enough and having more makes me crazy? Am I a shy little kitten or a fierce lioness? I think I like the sound of both. Being both makes me smile. Do you prefer great big to-do or peaceful solitude? Everyone is a mixture. To know what you want and what you truly need is not always one in the same. Obstacles, choices, it comes to the bottom line. Is it our decisions or does it go deeper than that? Learned behaviors, defense mechanisms, past experience; I used to believe what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I don't quite know anymore. Am I dead inside? I think that even though we are shaped and molded we can still be defined, usually in the rawest of emotions.All of our lives-even as bad as it gets sometimes, is just a test? But from what denomination or entity or even for what reason? I do not know. I do think that as shitty as it gets sometimes, life tests us for reasons we are never really aware. How strong are you? Am I? When will we cry, scream or falter; or ever will we? Maybe that is my own justification for my own terribly overwhelming life as it is. If you only knew; stories from youth up till now. Is it as bad as yours or the next persons? Right now, the most deeply sad and challenging time of my life that has ever been or will ever be. Is it making sense? I think not, take it, as you will. If it's not good enough, guess what, oh well. What do I want? I want to be happy. How can I be happy? To feel this way makes me feel guilty. I want it for more than just the moment, or as a cover for my sadness. I want to know in life, that I have truly completed myself. Simplest pleasures, I need. I need to be cared about in a way that if I fade away you too will be sad. You too will cry and miss me with all of your heart and soul. Maybe. I need the memories to stay alive, the laughter, tears, and everything in between. Please do not fade from me, which is.. all I am, all I have.I have been through so many emotions-sometimes several all in one day. I wonder who I am and who I am becoming. Where am I, what role am I playing and for who? It is all a question-life. It's funny, all this deep feeling written out yet; without its meaning. I'll leave you to guess, as what life is, as with where I'm going, what I am saying. I can fill several books with emotion, good and bad.I wonder if this is good enough, am I. What you must think—baring the deepest depths of my soul, from my exhausted starving boundaries of my mind. Do you yet understand, will you ever, will anyone? There is so much sadness, so much sorrow.I think, however, that even in this deepest darkest pit of despair there is some light out there, somewhere. I am self-actualizing, I am finding myself, I am becoming. I am on the last few miles of a journey…a journey that will last forever in my mind and forever in my soul. All things must come to an end, but why? Is it the cycle of life, the pure nature of nature itself? Love is selfish, love is painful, and love is everlasting. When my love is gone it is excruciating. My sorrow will never, ever in all time be understood or felt by another in the same way. I am sick with sadness. No more open arms to hold me, no more sharing the smallest of things that at one time seem so meaningless but now cannot ever be defined.