Backtrax

I always tried to figure out why people were a certain way. Why they don't like certain things or why they act a particular way. David was always an organized, conservative person and I never questioned it. I assumed my boyfriend just grew up that way and that was that. He always planned our dates a few days in advance-- something an organized guy does. I later found out that his father is the same way. So, that's where he got his traits from. He one day asked me why I didn't like him being affectionate in front of other people. I always assumed that I didn't like it because I was concervative. I thought showing affection should be done privately-- not publicly. It just advertises that you're a couple and I didn't like drawing attention to myself. That sounded like a real good argument. One that worked. One that fit my lifestyle. Then a thought hit me, maybe that's not the reason. The thought hit me after David told me about Dillion's last girlfriend, Tara. Apparently she didn't like affection of any kind. I understood that because of her situation. She was abused by another man. So it made sense. She's not comfortable trusting her boyfriend enough where she could allow him to kiss her. It may even be that she just doesn't trust herself. Either way the fact remains, she doesn't like to be touched. So the thought hit me. Am I like her? I always worry about what others think about me. I always correct someone when they wrongfully think that I am seeing someone. I always am careful of the men I date. But could it really be that? Did he abuse me so much that I can't trust my own feelings or any others? Especially men? Was I so naive at age eleven that I allowed someone to hurt me? No. It can't be. I'm not like that. I'm conservative and I don't make mistakes. I wouldn't let someone touch me like that. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't allow that kind of behavior.