This poem is a summary of the last year and a bit of my life. |
“This girl, tell me about her.” “She’s amazing; I mean…her honesty, her practicality. Just the very reality she embodies. I know, she is way too wild for me, and she has a boyfriend anyway. But it is never a crime to dream, right?” Awoken, as if from a dream Or from a nightmare, no; from the dead Stirred from a simple slumber Or something deeper which to dread But wherever I had resided Be it dreams or be it worse Is now no part of present, but past This new blessing lacking a curse And now she who stands before me Pervades my dreams and soon my heart My very soul if such existed My whole and every part Has love proven its existence? Alas I already know Self-evident to most foolish eyes The truths your heart may bestow Stolen breath and increased rhythms But mere effects of such presence Impossible to feign in any form Such a love without pretence “But can you content living off of dreams alone?” “I don’t know how I can be so enamoured with her and she feels nothing back! How can you have someone fall in love with you and not even notice them? I’d die for her, and she’d forget about me in five minutes…” Time continues to trickle forward, But results are stationary A dream becomes a nightmare By remaining imaginary Two hearts still steadily beat In rhythm yet separate Soon one begins to bleed Hopelessness incarnate The other takes no notice Of the rhythm nor the blood Of the truth behind the mask The dam before the flood A wish as isolated as its maker As alone as his heart Yet as pure as his intentions And as close to the start Desperate enough to be noticed Yet ashamed enough to hide Silence enveloping rejection The levelling of the tide “So you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t care anymore? That you’re content being alone; some prince of darkness? You’re just justifying your isolation to ignore your loneliness.” “Don’t pretend you know me! I don’t need anyone anymore. Isolation has become synonymous with exaltation! Loneliness is just another word for happiness now.” “And has denial become another word for truth?” The light wasn’t a guide- it served to blind me Surround me with self hate and my inadequacy But dark clouds of clarity now cover your face Our rhythm is broken; you’re back in your place And I return to mine, my tranquil isolation Neutral antiquity’s newest incarnation The second coming of a rapturous bliss Whose sweetness is present because it doesn’t exist A heart is broken so it’s tossed away Just a reminder of when I had gone astray When its pulsating echoes had consumed my mind My thoughts and will- my very life confined Overwhelmed with such feelings of imperfection No more than a product of that silent rejection Such continual shame and perpetual repentance All caused by a search for your acceptance But in apathy resided the key to my excellence Grow flawless through the eyes of indifference For by caring no longer about others affection You answer to no one and gain your perfection “But your shell of indifference shattered didn’t it?” “Things are different now…” “You’re becoming blind again” “But she’s not the same. She really cares…” “Does she?” “We’re in love.” “You’ll never learn.” A love made true when she said she cared A future gains value by being shared Together A smile, puckered lips and two cheeks stained red A laugh, a sigh, and two bodies in bed Forever Hope, reassurance, and a perpetual promise Three words, one thought, unending bliss One heart Late nights, sleepy kisses, sound sleeps as one Warm mornings, open arms, and a story just begun Two parts Television, music, and burned DVDs Cold hands, shared umbrellas and fumbling with keys Entwined Eating out, reading menus, both volunteering to pay Holding hands, exchanging glances, swearing to stay Refined “How are you feeling?” “I cried myself to sleep again last night” “Should I be surprised?” “She said she loved me…” “You ignored the signs” “She said forever” “You’re not the first” “But we were special” “Were.” I love her She wants to leave I’ll make that change You can’t I’ll make her happy By letting her go Together No longer Not yet Soon Why? She’s fickle I tried You failed Absolutely Move on She’s still here You’re dying So? Your future… Gone. “It’s over…” “You should be glad” “She betrayed me…” “That just proved you deserve better” “She said she’d help me…” “She’s a liar” “She promised to always be there” “She never loved you” “…never?” Goodbye The words are slowly read and I find myself blinded The tears protect my eyes so as I’m not reminded A lie… The thoughts swirl within my head as I deny this is real The stagnate questions remain unanswered as she ignores how I feel Vows sworn Desperate cries meet with laughter on the other end of a phone line Climbing up to reach the fruit but soon strangled by the vine Forlorn Alone and unsheltered under the blackened stormy sky Shaded in a rain of shaftless bodkins all aimed at I To fade Defeated by the nonexistent and denounced for a falsehood Abandoned for showing truth and asking to be understood Betrayed Accused for needing support and criticised for devotion Reaching out in vain and asked to cease the motion “I was holding on for so long” “You should enjoy this freedom” “How am I free? I can’t do anything…” “But you’re able to try” “I’ll fail without her” “You have to learn to stand alone” “…or not at all” Falling to my knees in the wake of total rejection Gripping the shards of my life in its splendid imperfection Slowly they are pressed through surface of my skin Becoming stained by the thoughts that thrive within By the thoughts of nothingness; of a future torn Of a mind and of a heart so young but so worn Of the conclusion to a story written by two And of the many mistakes only death can undo The memories are slowly dragged down my arm Repeating the cycle whose beginning birthed this harm Repeated and amplified, as one becomes fifty Many more than the two it look for her to desert me And as the past is revealed to be beyond resurrection I feel the motions start to change their intention The surface is tested and they now wish to enter Sights are set on the throat; just a few inches off centre Take another stab at cutting through the tension Slowly coming grips to a horror beyond contention As a failure is soon to follow every attempt The future proves to be one from which I’m not exempt “I can’t believe she’d just abandon me like this…I came to her for help. She promised she’d be there for me, then the next day she just…disappears. How can she just leave me for dead like this? How can she say she still loves me?” “You already know the answers to those questions; because you’re a burden, because you’re fucking pathetic. She told you this already- word for word! Why do you deny this reality?” “Is that really all I was to her?” An existential crisis The vanishing of oneself Free of mystical vices But lacking a direction Striving to build a future Just to pass the time Yesterday closed with a suture But the infections still inside Stagnating in isolation But unable to leave this grave Stripped of any motivation The future looks so bland My every goal and every action They all once had a cause Solely judged by her reaction Her acceptance was all their was But like a preacher losing his religion I see my dogma was a lie Now betrayed by her decision A heretic, but still alive “How can she just walk out on me like that? I gave it my all and she threw it back in my face! She laughed at me when I was crying over the phone! She said she loved me and just disappeared. What was I really worth in her eyes?” “That’s her fault: she can only see things in terms of how they benefit her.” It would seem I am now betrayed Oh my little queen of hearts You destroyed all we had made My little queen of clubs I was offered your hand As I wiped my blood off mine You promised to understand That night I told you the truth You swore your support As you saw I was breaking down Blessed by your comfort I could turn my life back around But the next day you vanished And said I just wasn’t worth your time My future now banished As you changed your mind I was too soon to awaken And can never return to my dream But you left me forsaken You’re not worth the lies spilling through your teeth “I do not know if I have ever before hated someone this much in my life. I have been manipulated, deceived, betrayed, demonized, ignored, devastated, and now forgotten. She has truly come to represent almost everything I could hate in a person.” “Don’t worry…her future will be her punishment. One day she will realize all she has done. Then she can never, ever escape.” |