It's Happening Again

It's happening...again.

I felt so high,
But now so low.
Once so happy,
Now full of woe.

It's happening...again.

...It's happening....again. Or perhaps it never stopped happening to begin with. I feel the pressure of life's decisions, of life's choices, closing in. The ones I can't seem to make. I feel fear of the unkown. I feel hate for myself. I feel the hurt I'm inflicting on others. I feel the foolishness of my ways. Yes, I feel life closing in. And as they enclose me, I feel trapped. Suffocated. And I long to break free. Twistedly,...sickenly...freedom shows itself in the form of one last moment of pain. A bullet to the brain. Forever free...But I know it's a lie. I know by faith the deception of it's "freedom". But I still long for escape. I still long for room to breath. Substitues reveal themselves in droves...some innocent...some not. Move to a different state, join the military, take up drinking or drugs, ...and still always lingering....that bullet to the brain. But life's walls wouldn't dissapear...I'd simply be leaving one small room for another. I despair. And release...or anger...or rebellion...or anguish...compel me to do the unthinkable. Foolishness itself. But still...it looks so very appealing...so sickenly appealing. Just once more. Just once. Gleaming silver, ridged edge...and suddenly my promises to others don't seem so important...I can hurt myself if I want. And I do want.

Foolishness, Andrea. So foolish. You're stepping back into the very things you're running from. Hate of yourself. Infliction of hurt on others through broken promises. Foolishness. So wrong, yet so appealing. Destructive...so why so needed? You're being lied to. And you know it. Why are you doing this?

And yes, I know it. I know my ways are foolish. I know my ways are hateful. I know my ways are hurtful...I know I'm being weak. But I don't feel like being strong. I tell myself, "next time. I can be strong next time." I lie to myself. And I know it. And I hate myself even more for it. Oh God, why?...why. I KNOW I could snap out of it. I KNOW that I could make the right decision right now. I could feel a moment of strength. And yet I shun the oppurtunity. Do I really wish to languish in my sickenss?