Childhood Dreams

      When the music ends and the carousal ride slows you stand, smile, and then move on.  As a child, we have countless first experiences, the sweet taste of what our future beholds.  I lived life as if I left on a desert island and inhaled the water with no thought or apperception all that water had done for me.  Years have passed as I experienced pain, hard work, now lost love.  I think this is the hardest for me to move on.  Believe me when say I loved before, I had thought I new how to desire, as well as enjoy that time but as seasons changed, as did I.  As winter kills all the warmth, I frosted the lovers with ice because that was I “Living Life”.  I made this a point to control my seasons until lighting struck down upon me with vengeance.  Now four years have had past and now it is finished.  I was a little girl gossiping with neighborhood fairytale characters that had already planned their future wedding, husbands, even which one of us would be the maid of honor.  Grand weddings as we wiggled our toes in the grass on sunny days. These brides-to-be would practice and I would always play the maid of honor.  I never planned my wedding, it even made me run if it was remotely mention.  I controlled my future.  Funning, looking back I realize I had no control.  Then as we all do once, some many times I fell and I fell hard.  His smell entranced my senses, his touch awakens my soul, and his embrace gave me security that I had found until him.  I told him “yes” when he asked me to marry.  He was the one I wanted to grow old.  Where and when did I learn to be so self-destructive?  Can I change?  I believe I can.  I am flooded with so many thoughts that my mind is not able the connections of my emotions to words.  I never want nor will I feel this way, not in this lifetime?  Love is not worth the pain and confusion.  You may agree that statement but when all seems gone but the abyss of this ruthless soul destruction, you cannot understand.  When I changed the seasons, I controlled my pain, once I regain that power I will not loose it at any cost.  Am I bitter hurt, and fucking pissed?  Hell yes I am.  Live and learn.  I learned the hardest lesson an idealist will had learned, which is there are not such things as forever.