Moving Further

one


I hate cemeteries. I hate looking at all of the grave stones with the names engraved in them. I look at the date of birth and the date of death and I think, “What would these people do if they had one more day?” I wonder what there life was like. Did they have siblings? Did they have a perfect family? Did any of these people have a normal life? Then, I look at my life and ask the same questions to my self. I silently whisper 'no' under my breath and then turn around, walk away, and never look back.

I sat in the waiting room looking at all of the dull, painted pictures with beaches on them. I would think people who are sick deserve to look at something a bit more cheerful but no. Not in this hospital. In this hospital, what it is full of are dull, painted pictures with beaches on them, sick people who want to be cheered up, and crying family's waiting for news of there loved ones. Yes. That's what makes up this hospital. Dull pictures, sick people, and waiting, anxious family's just like mine.

I'm not here because im sick, or because I'm getting a yearly checkup. I'm here because the love of my whole life, my best friend in the whole entire world, my little person (long story), is getting checked for cancer.

You know that feeling you get when you're trying to look for something and your body gets warmer when you thinks you're going to find it. And miraculously, when your body gets hot-cold, that's where you're going to find the thing you're looking for? Well, that's the feeling I have right now. I'm stiff as a rock; too tired and overwhelmed to start to cry. I can perfectly imagine the picture of the doctor coming out through the door, into the lobby, and taking a deep breath and saying, “Im sorry to say this but Jennifer-”
“Doesn't have any types of cancer. Congratulations.” the doctor said coming through the wooden door off to my left. Wow, perfect timing. Jenna's mom was gasping for air and crying at the same time. My mom and my dad sat in the chairs clapping and going “I knew God wouldn't to such a thing to such a heart warming girl”. I sat there in the chair with a picture in my mind of a chalk board and little strikes of chalk drawn on it.
“One more strike is up”, I mumbled to my self underneath my breath, again, as this whole situation has happened many times before.
***


It's not like I'm not thankful she's doesn't have cancer. Of course I am, but seriously, I don't think she has to be checked every other month. Maybe every other year but not every other month. Of course every time I wait in the lobby I'm scared but I am her best friend. What am I suppose to be? Optimistic!! Ya, like im really going to be like “Oh, yea Jenna, your not going to have cancer. I mean, after every faint you've ever had. PSHH!! Ya right, those are just stress symptoms?!? I am a good friend. Someone she can rely on to tell her the truth and to tell her how I feel. I'm not going to lie to her. Maybe to my parents (ha-ha) but not to my best friend..

Jenna and I like to think of life as the long run. Like, the mile for instance, When your in a race and start running backwards the other way, your not getting that time in the race back, your just wasting it. So, yea, life is like the mile. You run it until the finish line. There is no turning back on the track.

We came up with that theory when we were running our school turkey run. Actually, that's also where we met too. As we were running, we were talking about our divisions. Like first, second, third, etc… She was second at our school and I was third. Though, by spring break, that's when she would try out for my division. She was talking to me about how running was her life and how if she never found her passion of the track, she would never live.

When I told her my story about how track became my life too, that's when we clicked. We talked about how a track is like your life time line. There's no turning back in a race, there's only wasting time. We have been best friends ever since then.

Every weekend, Jenna comes over to my house for a track meet. (There's seriously a track in my backyard.) We run and talk and do things like normal girls who run every weekend. (That didn't sound very normal did it?)Anyways, yea; that's what we do. Except for one problem, for the past 2 years, occasionally Jenna faints when she runs. That's when she would go to the hospital. Now, there's been a schedule for her. Checking her blood sugar every other month for cancer.

Right now, its almost the beginning of freshman year and I'm so exited! So is Jenna. Today, we are suppose to go to the mall and get all of our school supplies and shop for our fall clothing. Except, the only problem is, my mom has to come too. Ugh.

“Honey, don't forget to take your cell phone with you just incase the crowd splits us up!” my mom yelled from upstairs. Oh don't worry mom. Now ill make sure wherever we go there is a crowd.

“Yes mom. I won't forget.” I'm 14 and a half years old! I deserve a little freedom like all the other girls.

“ Oh and I'm buying you some new underwear and bras while we are at the mall. You have grown a lot this summer.” She said as she was walking down the stairs. Oh no. I'm not letting my mom buy me some grandma underwear and flat Fruit of the Loom bras.

“Mom! Are you serious? Real people from planet earth are going to be there. Even people from our school! I am not letting you shop with me for my underwear!”

“Don't talk that way to me. I am your mom and you will do as I say and Ill do what I want. And don't be too embarrassed. I talked to Jenna's mother yesterday night and im also buying Jenna some underwear too.” Ohmigosh. Jenna is going to kill me.

Ding, dong! Ding, dong!

“Oh look. Jenna's here! Get the door Amber.”
“Please?” I mumbled under my breath. I opened the door and brought Jenna up to my room for that three-darn-seconds away from the mother.

“Uh, ya Jenna I have to-”
“Ya Amber I know. Your mom is buying me underwear.
“Sorry”
“Hey, we all have those days…”
“I know, parents sucks”
“Err… What's life? I didn't hear you right?” See… Jenna's a VERY optimistic person and always looks on the bright side of life. As you can tell…

***

So, were in Hollister trying on some of the cutest shirts and then BOMB! That big explosion goes off. Not for real, just between a mother and daughter.

“Uh no way are you getting that shirt! It's way too low cut.”
“Mom, it's a V neck that goes up to my collar bone. You can't even see any cleavage!”
“If I say you can, then you can see it. Take that shirt off now.”
“OHMIGOSH MOM! You're the one who gets me those flat bras every week. So, showing any cleavage shouldn't be any problem!”
“Ok that's it. No buying at Hollister. Put everything down. We're coming out!”

Typical.

“Amber… you know you shouldn't do that. Just listen and you'll be fine.”
“Uh. no. When you live with my mom, listing is like impossible. It's like there's a big brick wall between my mom and me. Listening is not in my vocabulary.”
“Fine. Slow down on the 'track of life' but for me, listening makes my race go much smoother.”
“Very funny Jenna. I'm laughing. Ha ha ha.

The next store we went to was Macy's. That famous spot of the mall. The store where we get the underwear.
See… my moms the type who laughs at her own jokes even when there bad. So.. ya.. Pretty embarrassing when she makes a joke in the bra section.

“Honey try this one on and Jenna try this one” She hands us both this (what it looks like) a flat piece of cloth that has a hook on the back.

“Oh and while you're trying on that I think ill try on something like this” She pulls out this low cut… excuse me wrong words… VERY low cut feather underwear set behind her back. She puts it in front of her and started spinning around and humping thin air. Now, this wouldn't be a total nightmare if popular people form our school hadn't shown up. But indeed, yes. This did turn out as a nightmare. From behind my mom David Spielberg, Molly Guinness, Ashley Tide, and Ben Spax came from behind my mom staring at me and Jenna, almost falling on the ground of laughter.

“Oh My Goodness! Amber's mom is a playboy whore!” Ashley said, seriously about to snort from gasping in too much air.
“Ha-ha ya, maybe Amber will get the genes and then hopefully pass it on to Jenna!” David said
“Hopefully? Eww. Jenna, play boy, and hot stuff don't mix. Ha-ha hot stuff actually is suppose to have boobs. I mean, look at there bras!” Molly said
“Ha-ha but those words and Mrs. Guidiens mom does!” Ben said. They all then left, probably to call all the other friends to tell them what happened. Jenna and I were seriously about to die. We never said a word to each other until the car ride home.


“Mom. Did you have any idea who those people were?”
“No and I don't care. You deserved it” It took me all of my strength to keep me from cursing at her like a complete maniac.

At home Jenna got pretty mad.
“If you didn't say those things to your mom, this would have never happened! I'm totally embarrassed right now! Don't say sorry to me. Saying sorry wont change time or what happened. I'm leaving. Good-bye Amber!” She walked out the front door and slammed it without letting me say a word. Parents suck. Oh wait I forgot. It's really life that does.









two
I called up Jenna about 10 minutes after she left but she didn't pick up her cell. What did I do wrong?? Did I hurt Jenna or my mom? Was it my moms fault or mine? God help me.

I left a message on her phone telling her im sorry and doing the normal routine where I say “Ill never do it again Jenna. I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself.” Every time I say that, she always believes me and we both start over as usual. See, Jenna's the church gal who always trust people and who thinks everyone has a pure nice soul. Im guessing that's why she's my friend because my heart isn't that pure right now.

School starts in two days and seriously, my opinion of this year has gone drastically down the drain. As soon as I walk into that school I bet everyone will start staring at me and laughing and calling me “mama's girl.” Great. Fabulous. My freshman name will be Mama's girl. Not Amber. ):

***
It's 3:00am and I cant get to sleep. God I'm so guilty. It's not just my freshman year that's going o be a wreck… its going to be Jenny's too. I really hope I didn't screw up our friendship I mean-

'Beep beep beep beep'
My phone started to ring.

“Hello? Whoz this? It's three in the morning.,”

“It's Max. I thought you'd be up. I mean, after everything that happened today…”
“You know about the mall? Oh great. Everyone at East High already knows about my playboy mother and school hasn't even started yet. And wait. How did you know I was up? You could have waked me.”
“Well… don't worry. I'm sure this news will turn old in like a week. And I can see you through your window” Max said. Max lives in the house right next to mine so we can both see each other through our windows. I got out of bed and opened up my window and sat down in a chair.

“Jenna's pretty angry at me.” I said.
“Don't worry. She'll get over it. She's a strong girl. Oh ya, I almost forgot. How was the hospital thing? Does she have the… you know?”
“No she doesn't. And you ask every time and it's a NO. And it will probably always be a No. So let's make a solution. You will know if she has cancer or not if you see me dead on the grass outside right beneath my window ok?”
“Ha-ha ok.”
***
Breakfast sucked. The pancakes were burned and the syrup was sugar-free so it tasted like bark. Up in my room I called Jenna again. She picked up.

“Im sorry” I said
“Um. For what?” she answered
“About the mall incident” I though she was asking me just so I would give her an explanation.
“What happened in the mall?”
“Uh…. I didn't listen to my mom and that got us both into trouble. I'm really sorry”
“Amber. Um. We didn't go to the mall like… ever? Are you ok?” Is she trying to fool me?
“Jenna stop playing around.”
“What?”
“Um… can you just meet me somewhere/? Maybe at the Homerun pool?”
“Ya, ill be there”

I haven't been to Homsrun in like forever. The smell of mold growing on the malls was as intense as any year. Weeds were growing through the tiles at the pool corner and there were hundreds of leafs floating around in the pool. Then, I saw Jenna.

“Hey” I said to her
“Just can we please get this over with? Mom's taking me to the mall now so I can buy underwear that we both would have gotten if it weren't for you being so stupid.”
“Are you ok? What happened on the phone earlier? You said you didn't remember any of it and now you do.”
“OK whatever. This is crazy. I have to go now. Waste-of-time.” She walked through the pool gates and jogged all the way up the hill until what I saw of her was a little black spec. Something was up with Jenna. I just didn't know what.


Back at home, mom was making PB and J's and Dad was on his computer doing work. I went up to my room and took out one of my scrapbooks that were underneath my bed. Sad to say this but the only 2 people who were ever in any of my scrapbooks was me and Jenna. Though, there was the occasional stranger in the background or off to the side.

Jenna and Amber 1998
Wow. We looked so young.

***
The next day was a complete blur. I was so sick. I stayed in bed the whole day and slept like a baby. Well, until I got the call.

“Hello?” I asked as I picked up the phone. My mom was out at CVS buying some Motrin for me and dad was at work.
“Amby, sweetie, It's Jenna's mother. Something has happed to Jenna.” Yes of course she fainted again. “She lost her breath and choked while she was running. We took her to the hospital and she's in detainment now but still, I think it would be a good idea for you to see her. Something's wrong with her honey. I don't know what but I know that there's something” Why is it things never happen like I imagine?

The picture in the hospital hadn't changed since the last time. Maybe I should write a note. Because I can not stand another minute looking at those depressing pierces of work. I'm not saying there ugly. Because there not. But there depressing. That's not something that she be put in the lobby of a hospital.

So I waited 2 hours before I was aloud into Jenna's room.

“Hey there. You ok?”
“No. I'm never ok.” She said. Her head was turned towards the window. What was I suppose to say to that. Light was shinning through the glass and hitting the floor making a rainbow.
“So… um… Do you know what happened yet? Or what's wrong?”
“No. The doctor took blood tests form my arm earlier. There scanning it for like cancer or something” She turned towards me.
“Fun.”
“Right. Fun. Being in this white bed is fun. Looking at that white wall is fun.”
“I was kidding. But if you want... I can take a picture from the lobby and hang it in your room. Except... The only problem with that is just that those pictures are depressing. And I don't really think you wan to look at something depressing,”
“Wow Amby. You really know me.” We both giggled.
“Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon. Like old times.”
“Ya. Right. Like old times.” We both had unsure smiles on our faces.. I mean… what would happened if she really did have a disease? Would there be a cure? Would she live long? Would she still be my best friend? I thought to myself for a while; until both of our parents came in and the doctor. Jenna's parents sat on the bed with me and her and my parents sat in some chairs by the window.

“There is good news and bad news” The doctor said. Jenna's mom's hands were shaking uncontrollably. Her dad's eyes were closed mumbling prayers underneath his breath.
“I'll start with the good news. So here it goes. Jenna does not have cancer” We all let out a sigh of relief; except for Jenna.


“Wait. But there is bad news.'Jenna proclaimed
“Yes. Sadly there is. Jenna. Mr. and Mrs. Fox,” He turned his head towards them “Your daughter has Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.” Wow. That's about the longest word I have ever heard.

“Um… What's that?” Jenna asked. Her face turned pale. She bit the right side of her lips and sqinted her eyes looking like bad news was about to hit her in the face. Which it was.
“It's rare a disease with no cure. It occurs with one out of every 500 people. It's the common cause of heart-related sudden death in people 30 years of age or under, and it can also be responsible for exercise disability at almost any age including yours. This disease affects the muscles in your heart. Jenna, you have an outflow of blood from the left ventricle in your heart.” Her parents, My parents, everyone was crying. I was too shocked to even shed a tear.

“So, does this have anything to do with running?” Jenna asked. OMIGOSH Jenna; is that all you can think about right now?
“I'm sorry to say this but yes. It has everything to do with running. Usually it's the athletes who get this disease. And sometimes loss of memory can occur too. Now... You may want to stop your running soon because running has everything to do this disease. You could, not to scare you, have an episode of aborted sudden death while running. That's how... um… well yes. That's the biggest way you can die. Or you can just... well… die.
“What do you mean? Even when im not running I can just drop dead on the floor?”
“Well… yes. But as long as you don't run… you have a 97% chance of being alive.”
“But RUNNING IS MY LIFE!” she cried out
“Jenna. Be serious here. Would you rather run or die? Think of the opportunity cost sweetie” her mom said. Tears were running down her face like a shower head on full blast. I could tell she was trying to keep it in for Jenna's sake.
Everything from there went blank for me. Today was a blast. I was sick, I found out my best friend could die in a second, and I found out that I could never run with her anymore. Yep. Today was amazing.


















three
Everyone let Jenna sleep for a couple of hours. My parents were in the lobby with Jenna's parents trying to help comb them down.
I was in the cafeteria trying to put a piece a food inside of my mouth but no luck was made. I couldn't eat until I talked to Jenna. So, I walked to her room to see if she was awake.

When I got there, I looked through the glass wall that was dividing her room with the hallway. I saw her wide awake looking out the window. I knocked gently on the door
“Who's there?” she asked
“It's me.”
“Come in.” When I came into the room I took a chair near the dresser and slid it over to Jenna's bed. We both sat there looking at each other for a half a minute without even saying a word. Then, she turned her head and started to look out the window again.

“I've learned not to expect anything other than focus what I can control, so expectations are always out the window” she whispered. “That's from Donnie Wahlberg. I learned that quote while doing our report in Mrs. Hopton's English. It now makes sense to me. I love running. I work towards my goal. I don't expect anything to get in the way of it. But, when the unexpected comes, it's like it flies right in through the window, tagging me. Like, im it or something.”

“Jenna. If you look out of that window and enjoy a river, how can you possibly look out of that same window, and enjoy a mountain? Its only one choice you can make. And which ever one makes you happy, will make me happy because it makes you happy.”
“Well, I choose running. I'll die doing the thing I love to do. And, ill die doing the thing I love to do with the person I love the most which is you.”
“Jenna. Think clearly now. You're risking your whole life just to run a lap around a field.”
“It's not just a lap around a field. It's my lap I will run around a field I've been running around my whole life.” I didn't want to argue.
“Ok. Well… just promise me you'll think about it more…” I said to her,
“I promise.”
***
The next day she came back home.