The Origins of the Mongoloid Moose

Centuries ago, when man was just another damned dirty ape crawling across the planet's not yet as wrinkled surface, civilization had yet to progress past its primitive beginnings. Advanced ideas such as irrigation, food storage, and southern fried chicken had not yet percolated in our slightly sloped brainpans. In this barbaric time, when fire was new, words were rare, and the wheel was thought to be a passing fad, man had not yet produced a definitive culture.

Religion, being one of the hallmarks of a rising civilization, was a new concept among the primitives, and while most of the larger tribes were eager to begin worshipping a higher life form of some kind, choosing a supreme being was something they had yet to acquire a knack for. Not realizing that their higher power could be someone or something they had never seen, groups of potential worshippers would travel across the countryside in search of something they could call Creator. These nomadic tribes would travel for years on end, not stopping until they managed to stumble upon some grand or bizarre landmark that they could sacrifice their children to and call home. This bizarre need to traverse great distances for a glimpse of bizarre yet possibly Holy relic was so widespread that it still lives on in our primitive reptilian brains to this day, which goes a long way towards explaining the migratory patterns of the modern day vacationing middle-class family. Eventually, these long and pointless treks resulted in groups such as the Tribe of the Smiling Rock, the Clan of the Endless Forest, and the People of the Angry Mountain, whose "Angry Mountain” turned out to be an active volcano. They didn't last very long.

But not all people are cut out for extensive traveling, and there were many tribes that weren't too wild about the idea of wandering around the aimlessly until something jumped out and went “Boo”. Of course, these were dangerous times to live in, and any prospective deity that actually did jump out and shout “Boo” would find himself bludgeoned to death by large sticks wielded by frightened primitives before he could instill upon them the knowledge of playful mischief. So, these decidedly unadventurous tribes decided to place their faith in things close to home. Being inherently lazy and unimaginative, most of these groups chose different aspects of nature to worship. Worshipping oddly shaped mountains and weird geographical anomalies can be nifty, but they can wear on the foot leather. Nature, however, is everywhere. There’s so much nature out there that if you throw a rock, you’ll probably hit it, especially since rocks also count as nature. Most of these simplistic tribes picked rather obvious things like trees, water, fire, and even mud, so they could easily relocate without having to worry about anything as troublesome as dying to protect a sacred shrine/landmark from deity-hungry nomads, who were quickly running out of unnatural landmarks to base their religions on. Unimaginative as well as uninspired, their names tended to be less mystical than the others, with titles such as the Tree People, the Mud People, the Water People, and the Fire Lads, who were a little on the peculiar side.

But among these various clusters of makeshift theology was one special tribe that was a tad more original than the rest. These squat, swarthy people chose an unusual animal as their symbol of servitude; an odd and to this day unidentified breed of prehistoric moose with misaligned eyes, a wide gaping jaw, and an altogether dazed expression. Keeping true to their name, this tribe showed their awe and admiration for this wonderful slack-jawed beast by following large herds of it wherever they would migrate. This was quite a challenge, as these animals did not base their travel patterns on weather conditions or food availability. They would simply wander from one location to the next, often winding up in extremely hazardous regions and harsh climates. It was the selfless servitude of these herd followers, who would feed and water them, as well as build makeshift shelters over them while they slept, that preventing these bizarre creatures from dying out altogether.

Throughout their journeys, the moose herds would often wander into territories belonging to some of the other tribes. Needless to say, the other tribes would mock and ridicule them for choosing such an ugly and mindless creature to worship. The Tribe of the Smiling Rock frowned upon them (the highest of all insults), the Clan of the Endless Forest beat them with sticks, and the People of the Angry Mountain shouted nasty things about their mothers while throwing handfuls of leaves in their general direction. The Tree, Mud, and Water people pelted them respectively with sticks, rocks, and water balloons (the primitive version, which involved forcing a frog to drink vast amounts of water and then throwing it really hard). The Fire People, who were not yet skilled with their namesake, burned their hands repeatedly while trying to throw flames at them, and in the end settled with dirty looks. While the scorn and disdain they heaped upon them was varied, they were invariably identified by the same title no matter whose land they happened upon. To all the encountered, they were known as the Followers of the Mongoloid Moose.

These hapless Followers eventually followed their false idols of worship into the mountainous regions of Canada, where their numbers were greatly reduced by cold weather, food shortages, and random attacks by French Canadian Archers. They eventually split up after a rather troubling battle with the Protectors of the Fainting Goat, and unceremoniously abandoned their faith. Only a few diehard faithful stayed behind to tend to their unpredictable flock, and history has yet to discover their fate. Thus ended the brief yet glorious shining of the Mongoloid Moose.