Lily Flowers

Lily Flowers

Look to the field and see these wondrous things
Look for the tall grasses, and for the flowers
Look for the flowers that shared your name
Look for the Lily flowers, the ones that you love
Look towards me, my love, my sweet Lily
Look from that field of lily flowers

There are times when you remember the things that you never want to remember. Those are the things that only cause you pain and heartbreak whenever you experience them for another time. I seem to enjoy this pain though, because every time I come to my summer home I get that pain back. There are the days that are, of course, more complicated than others, and some that are more simple.

I suppose that was the basis of our relationship. Simple and complicated at the same time, that’s what we shared. She was the most magnificent creature on this earth. Better than all the fairy tale creatures, and she stole my heart the very first time I met her.

It all started the day I met Lily. You were the one thing in my world of darkness and despair that made the entire world make sense. I do not know why my world was so dark to begin with, but I realize now. I realize that you were the ray of sunlight that penetrated my dark shell and made everything bright.

That bright world has dissolved and I’m in the dark again, but at least this time I know there’s a way out of this. But even though I have this knowledge, I chose not to use it anymore because it all seems pointless to be honest with you.

It was not something I should have done. Of course, I didn’t ever really care about that type of thing then. No, it was the type of thing that should be left in the hands of someone not like me. I never should have fallen in love with someone quite like this. I wonder if she regrets falling in love with me as well. I hope not. I had once told her not to ever have any regrets in her life. I smile sarcastically at myself. I can’t believe I’m so selfish.

Of course, that was the day that I realized my life would come to an end. When she left this world, I felt as though my soul had gone with her. All I can do is hope that she’s happier now; that she’s happier there then she was here.

Those were the days; the days when I could sit out in the field during the summer and stare at the lilies and feel completely at ease. There was no particular reason for them; they were just there, that one part of nature that no one had ruined. I don't remember much about those days, but I do remember that you would sit here with me on this hill.

The wind reminds me of you. How you were always blowing from one place to another. You were completely untamable. The untamable love I had for you was that of the wind as well. But, this fleeting need for freedom that you seem to want and need is what caused you to need to be buried under these flowers. I don't completely understand myself in this. Especially why it seems that I continue to love someone that was this fleeting, someone who took my breath away on the wind. I smile the sad smile that I acquired when you left.

Yes, I remember. You were a flower. Your name suited you as well as these: Lily. You were so happy when I brought you here to my summer home and you would sit on the balcony staring out at the field for hours on end. Of course, that was before. That was before everything that happened between us.

Lily, you don’t know just how much I miss those days. I completely miss the days when you would drag me out into the field with that silly grin on your face and your sky blue dress flapping in the wind. You would shout to me if I was still at the house preparing a picnic for us. You would wave with your long, but graceful arms and tell me that if I didn’t hurry then you’d get lost in the field of flowers.

“Alex! Hurry up with that food! I’m starving!” You would shout this every day that we decided on a picnic and I would always, always shout back the same reply.

“Learn to be just a little more patient. It’s not like you’re going to starve to death in a matter of minutes!” I would hear you laugh at that response no matter how many times you heard it. You were the most cheerful soul that I ever knew. But there was one flaw that she had. She didn’t know when to draw a line between danger and safety.

Some days were better than others. Just like those days when she’d drag me outside to the stables and force me to saddle up a couple of horses so we could go riding in the field. She’d wear jeans on those days only. On the days that she’d go riding, and she’d walk down the stairs that day and I would know it was another riding day.

Before she died, she spent three summers here. Just like those first years, there are still lilies growing here. Those were the best part, I think. Those lilies were the most solid things that she would keep next to her constantly, except me of course. I was her little follower. She turned me from the person always knowing what’s going on around them to a person that made me completely unaware.

You never faulted me. You never made me believe that I’d have to find someone else. You always told me that it was easy to love me. That I was the most interesting person that you’d ever met. I never see what was so amazing or interesting about me, but you enjoyed saying so. You aimed to see me blush, or at least I think you did. You were always able to do that.

I go back to frowning as I remember everything that you did for me during these summers. Despite the fact you practically made me your personal slave during these summer months, I never stopped loving you. In fact, I think I loved you even more for all the things you put me though. I smile at the irony of it.

Of course those days were never easy-when I would be your slave that is. I would enjoy some of the things, and I would roll my eyes and do the others without argument. After all, it was I that invited you to join me at the summerhouse. You always told me that I would be the one that would make it so that you were never alone during those long summer days. You’d take my hand and we lived day by day and I’d always run with you when we went through the flowers.

Sometimes I believed you loved those flowers more than you loved me, but I know deep down that you didn’t. You’d have me pick those wild lilies and put them by your bedside so you’d be able to wake up and see them the very first thing in the morning. Considering that you always fell asleep the same way, I knew exactly where to place the flowers so when you first woke you’d see those flowers and know who picked them for you.

I remember one day though, you were standing on the balcony as I walked out with a cup of coffee. It was just before sunrise and you leaned against me. I smiled and sipped my cup of tea, as you would lean against me to watch the sky change colors as the sun rose into the sky. That was one of your very favorite things to do if you’d remember. You’d beg and beg and have me get up early and wake you so that you could watch the sunrise. I’d oblige to the request every time with hardly any coercion. Believe me when I tell you that it was not a big deal for me to wake you early so we could spend a bit of time when you were quiet and calm. Not that you were annoying in any shape or form, it was just that I liked the quiet too.

On the days that I’d be a slave, a personal slave to “the great Lily”, you’d force me to cook a huge lunch and we’d go on a hike. You’d make me carry the heavy basket full of food, and you’d make me get everything set up while we were resting finally. I’d roll my eyes. You’d think after three summers that I’d have been used to your punishment, but apparently not. You always had some new way of making me want to just tackle you and hug you for being so weird, but that’s just the way it was. I wouldn’t have made it any other way.
I am terribly ill. I discovered it earlier this year, back in the beginning of April. I’m going to die before December and I realize that I would rather die here. They told me all the things that I’m not allowed to do, but I think that if I do them, I’ll be able to kill myself without really committing suicide and finally I can join you.

Even after these 18 years of grief and looking for someone else like you and never finding that love, I feel as if my life has ended itself pretty much. For the last couple of days, I’ve just felt like sleeping. I always feel like that when I come here. Is it because of the grief or because of the illness that I acquired over these years?

I miss you more than ever my love. I miss you so much that I just want to scream and rip out my hair until I can see you again. I just want to see the one that has loved me with such unconditional feeling that I pull out the letter that you wrote to me earlier that day. I pull it out, that one piece of paper 18 years old, and read the letter for another time. I have it memorized, but I always read it for the handwriting. I have to have some kind of reminder that not everything that we experienced together was some kind of wild dream that never seemed to end.

I suppose it was an understatement when I said that I don’t remember much of those days because I suppose I really do. I remember the last day that you were even on the earth and that was the hardest day that I’ve ever lived through. I never knew that being in love and suddenly losing the one you’re close to corresponded so closely to one another. I also never knew that I would feel so bad after all of it happened. After you were thrown from that horse and how it trampled all over you. It had broken your neck after being spooked by a regular garden snake. You’d died a horrible death, but you’d died quick. I remember that I held you in my arms and I could feel blood seeping onto my clothes but I didn’t give a damn about it. You were dead and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I remember that I carried you back to the house and laid you on the bed as I cried more than I ever did before in my life. I remember telling myself that you could finally be truly happy and that I’d never forget you. I remember the feelings coursing through me then as they do now. I remember the love and grief and then finding the letter you left for me that morning. I remember reading it for the first time as you lay on my bed, completely still and cold. I remember shrinking to the ground and crying even harder.

What I don’t remember is burying you here. I don’t remember how you go into the ground under the Lily flowers and I don’t remember exactly how many years ago that all this happened. All I really remember are the summer days that we’d spend here together. Most of all, I remember what it felt like to be in love with a person like you and how after all these years I still haven’t found anyone that I loved as much as you.

Tears roll down my face as the horrifying events that changed my life come back into play as I watch your smiling face turn to one of shock as you die all of a sudden. I never even had a correct service for you. No one ever asked me about you- that’s because you didn’t have the family you needed. I was the only “family” that you knew, and you couldn’t even really call me that. You were my lover, and I was the one that loved you more than anything else in either of our lives.

My dearest Alex,

I realize this may be an unconventional way of communication in this day and age, but I feel as if I should just write you this letter. I don’t know why exactly I feel this way, but I really wanted to write you a letter. Perhaps it’s just something to remind you of if I ever disappear on you for some reason. Hopefully you’ll always keep this because it means a lot to me to know that you’ll even receive this letter.

I look over at you now and you’re fast asleep on the bed. I always love the way that your hair falls gently over your face in a waterfall when you roll over and fall asleep. You can probably imagine the smile on my face as I look at you every now and then as I’m writing this letter. You honestly don’t know how beautiful you are, do you? You always put yourself down when you don’t realize your own qualities are your own and your best ones.

I adore the fact that even though I put you through so much I know that I can always count on you to be here for me. For three summers now you’ve invited me here and I don’t think I’ve even managed to thank you properly for that and I realize that it’s a bit late, but thanks. I really thank you for putting up with me for so long, and telling me I’m always welcome here.

I know that I’m not the best at voicing my opinions or feelings considering that I was never around anyone that I needed to do so with, but I try my hardest when I’m around you. I feel more at ease and more complete when I’m with you and more lost and confused when I’m not. I believe that it is love. I truly believe myself when I tell you that I love you, even though I may be inexperienced at experiencing this wonderful feeling. You told me that you’ve only been in love twice in your life, and that between me and the other girl, it is different. You know that it was love both times, but I honestly think that you love me more than that other girl considering that you’re still with me after all this time. That’s why I honestly believe that I love you.

Like I said, this may be the unconventional way of telling you this of course, but at least I attempted. I laugh quietly at myself when realizing that I just wrote you what you’d call a sappy love letter, but I don’t’ really care. I just know that I want to spend forever and ever with you. I know that this may be repetitive, but I don’t really care about that either. I love you, Alex, just as you love me. You don’t know just how important you are to me and how much I really do need you.

I never want to leave this place and I never want this summer to end. More than anything, I think that I’ll be with you unless something unfortunate happens, which I hope will never happen. I never want to be parted from you and never have to go back to the city. I know you said that we could make a living out here, but you have a city heart. You have a heart that yearns for the coffee shops and bookstores that they just don’t have in a place like this. You’re definitely the city gal.

You could probably hear me chuckling at my own thoughts when you’re reading this letter, but know that I really don’t mind if you think I’m silly. Do you think that we could be together like this forever? I’d like that. I’d like it a lot, and I’ll be crushed if you told me no.

I give you all my love in this letter and I will tell you when you wake up today of course. I love you Alex, I love you, I love you, and I love you. There’s no other way for it to be, you know.

All my love,
Lily

I can hear your voice in my head as I read this letter again, not knowing where I’d come from in this world without waking up to hear those few words. “I love you, Alex.” That morning was the second and final time that I heard those words and tears form in my eyes again. I force them down as I put my head back into my knees. I breathe deep and look towards the night sky.

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up and I realize it’s just before sunrise. Perfect time to wake up. I start to talk quietly. “Look Lily. It’s the sunrise. You want to see it don’t you? Don’t’ you want to make one final memory with me before I leave forever?”

I turn my head to look at where I buried you and my vision becomes blurry with tears that I have wanted to shed since I came out here. I let them roll down my face and I bury my head in my hands and scream out the one word that has always put me at ease or a smile on my face, “LILY!” I call out your name and I fall over and never know anything again.