Nick Danger: Private spleen.

Nick Danger: Private Spleen
A trilogy in four parts
Act 1: The weird and woeful woman.

The curtains open. A stage is seen, all the lights are dim as to give the appearance of night. On the stage is the face of a brick building with the letters NDPS on the door. Directly adjacent to the building is an alley with trash cans and a door. Suddenly a man appears. He is tall, strong, handsome, and exudes charisma. Self-assurance, confidence, and strength emanate from this man. This is Marvin Lowalski, the night janitor. The Man behind him is a small, slightly potbellied man who is starting to lose his hair and has a clumsy stride. This is Nick Danger.

Nick Danger walks into his building.
Nick: OW! I think I busted my nose. You wouldn’t happen to have a hanky, would ya Marv?
Marvin: (confidence oozes from his voice, put there by his day job as firefighter in the next town over) Nope.
Nick: That’s all right, I got napkins inside.
Nick enters his building after Marvin unlocks the door
Marvin: You ought to get another key cut, Mister Danger.
Nick: Yeah, but then I wouldn’t get to talk to you, would I Marv? I’d miss out on all of the conversations like this, what with you being so fulsome.
Marvin: Sarcasm. Nice. See ya later, Mister Danger.
Nick: Later Marv. Under breath Dweeb.
Nick Danger enters the building, and immediately after the front of the building slides away to reveal the inner workings of the building. There is a desk, three chairs, and a safe.
Narrator 2: The safe is hideous, don’t you think?
Narrator 1:Yes, but it could be……… Wait a minute! Who are you?
Narrator 2:I’m the narrator. Well, a narrator. I was supposed to be narrating the story down the hall. You know, the one about the mouse, but this is so much more interesting.
Narrator 1:Well this is my story, so you’ll just have to shove off.
Narrator 2:No. I like this story, and I intend to see what happens.
Narrator 3:There is a fracas between the two narrators. The original one wins, and kicks the second narrator out the door.
Narrator 1:Hey! Who do you think you are?!
Narrator 3:I just wanted to make sure that the audience knew what was happening…..
Narrator 1:Fine, as long as we all know this is MY story. Now, where were we? Oh, right.

Nick Danger Is seen talking to a woman with a teen.
Nick: What an auspicious occasion. I come into my office to find a beautiful woman waiting for me. But who are you, and who‘s the kid? And how did you get in here?
Woman:: My name is Damsel N. Distraint and this is an…….. associate of mine. His name is Sue, and he’s in a lot of trouble.
Nick: Well, with a name like Sue I would imagine so. Can’t he change his name or is it immutable?
Damsel: His name is not the problem. The problem is that he lost his mind.
Nick: So go see a shrink.
Damsel: Not like that! He lost his dog, named Mind. And he is loath to look for him.
Nick: Why is the dog so important?
Damsel: Mind ate some radioactive dog food, and ever since then he has been shedding inordinate amounts of pure gold dandruff.
Nick: Here’s an apostrophe
Damsel: (interrupting) Don’t you mean epiphany?
Nick: Yeah sure, that too. Anyway, you probably want my help finding your mind, right?
Damsel: Oh yes!
Nick: Have you checked you head? That’s where I keep my mind. (Damsel scowls) Alright, I’ll try not to be such a wise man.
Damsel: You mean wise guy.
Nick: How ever you say it, just as long as I get to be all wise and such. (Damsel glares at Nick) Here’s the skinny, at the moment I’m rather impecunious
Damsel: Then go to a doctor, you dolt.
Nick: That’s infectious. I’m not infectious, just broke. So how bout I find the dog for you and you pay me with a whole ton of that pure gold dandruff in an act of generosity.
Damsel: Well, alright. But that’s assuming you find the dog.
Nick: Don’t worry, Nick Danger always get his man’s best friend.


Nick Danger: Private Spleen
Act Two: The Monkey’s mysterious men.

The curtains open onto a well lit stage. The main set is what looks like a detective’s office, and it is occupied by a small, portly, and slightly balding man; a tall mysterious woman; and a gangly, tall, and rather pale teenager. The man is Nick Danger, Private Spleen. He is a gumshoe of somewhat amazing proportions, at least according to his tailor. The woman is Damsel N. Distraint, and the teen with her is her son, and his name is Sue.
Nick: So, we need to find this dog soon. Who knows what could happen should he fall into the wrong hands!
Damsel: What do you mean? It’s not like the dog is a weapon or anything.
Nick: No, but he is paradigm of free money! And free money is especially useful to those who only would use it for evil.
Damsel: Huh? Who would use golden dandruff to create evil?
Nick:: The Monkey. That nefarious no-gooder has a penny pinching penchant for powerful pooches.
A bit of explanation is in order. Rudolf “The Monkey” Wrench is a big time crime lord in this town. He and his minion Luigi a.k.a “Lug” Knutt rule the organized crime scene with steel pinkies. They run al sorts of operations, from big time embezzlement scams, to stealing candy from children. And all of this happens with Rudolf as the brains and Luigi as the muscle.
Damsel: But I thought he was in prison!
Nick: He is. He is testing one of the new mobile prison cells. He is on the honor system when it comes to escaping as well.
Damsel: But whoever thought that up, it’s horrible!
Nick: You can thank our mayor for that.
Damsel: But he could be cavorting about, using our dog for bad purposes.
Nick: The mayor always seemed like he would frolic, not the cavorting type you might say.
Damsel: You idiot! I meant the monkey!
Nick: Speaking of the monkey, we had better get a move on before Rudy’s rent-a-thugs arrive. He will probably have bought some new ones with the gold.
There is a knock on the door.
Damsel: Oh no! that must be them!
Nick: Wait, I’ve got a plan.
Damsel: It had better be good.
Nick: Takes deep breath Nobody’s here!
Damsel: THAT’S your plan!?
Voice at door: What? Then who am I talking too?
Sue: A figment of your imagination! Now go away!!
Narrator 1: You cant be serious!
Narrator 2: What?
Narrator 1: 'I'm a figment of your imagination'? That is so corny!
Narrator 2: Oh, like you have anything better?
Narrator 1: Well,,, thats not the point.
Narrator 2: Listen, unless you have a better idea, shut up and keep reading.
Narrator 1: Fine!
The man at the door is obviously in a quandary, but then a second voice intervenes.
Second voice: If it was imaginary, I wouldn’t hear it. Now bust the door down!
Suddenly, a fist shoots though the glass pane of the door, and turns off the lights. The woman Screams, then the door opens. Nick runs to it, but is knocked down. A yell is heard, then a scuffle. Suddenly the lights come back on, and Marvin, the night janitor is in the doorway.
Marvin: Geez Mister Danger, are you all right?
Nick: I’m okay Marvin. How bout you miss, you all right?
Damsel: I think so, yes. But where is Sue?
The son has disappeared.
Nick: Those thugs must have taken him.
Marvin: Do you mean those 2 guys I chased outta here?
Nick: Yes! Did you see where they went Marv?
Marvin: No Mister Danger, I’m sorry.
Nick: Darn, we will have to find the dog first, then.
Damsel: What! What about my son?
Nick: Those two men were obviously Monkey Wrench and Lug Knutt, and they took your son to lead us away from the dog. It is an almost utopian scheme!
Damsel: Well it worked. We are going to find my son!
Nick: But if we do that, then we will never get him back. No, we have to find the dog and use the dog for a bargaining chip.
Damsel: But Mr. Danger
Nick: Trust me ma’am, this type of thing is recondite to the investigative field. Don’t get distraught about it; it's the only thing left to do.
Marvin: Well, mister Danger, I’m about done here, I got the glass picked up.
Nick: But that was evidence.
Marvin: I could exhume it from all the other stuff in the bin, but it’s kind of messy.
Nick: Don’t bother; it is a bit too piquant now. Marvin leaves. But that doesn’t matter. Ma’am, we’ll find your son, and the dog. And we’ll do it together.


Nick Danger: Private Spleen
Act Three: The Peril Packing Persons.

The curtains open, and the stage is set. There is a building facade, and two people out front. One is a tall, slender, breathtaking woman. Her name is Damsel N. Distraint. She dressed to kill, and the man next to her is only set to stun. He is a small, portly man, as well as a bit uncoordinated and frenetic. He is Nick Danger, and he is her only hope.
Narrator 1:She's doomed.
Narrator 2: Would you shut up, I'm trying to read.
Narrator 1: Me too, but come on. Her only hope. She is SO doomed.
Narrator 2: You know he cant screw up too badly, he is the hero.
Narrator 1: So?
Narrator 2: So he can't lose. It's an unwritten rule.
Narrator 1: Whatever, lets keep reading.
He is an amazing detective. Amazingly simple, amazingly Magoo like, and amazingly not a complete failure. Nick and Damsel are speaking outside of his office.
Nick: OK, we need to find that dog, but where?
Damsel: We should check the pound.
Nick: No, ive got a better idea. We need to check in with a mister Shade E. Shimpkus. (Starts walking toward car, Damsel follows)
A car begins to come down the road, on the wrong side of the street, it is aiming for Nick and Damsel. They don't notice it.
Damsel: Who is that? I don't think I've ever heard of him.
Nick: You wouldn't have. He runs the biggest illegal goods markett this side of willoughburg.
The car driving towards Nick and Damsel stalls, and then stops twenty yards from them. They still take no notice.
Damsel: But the only thing on the other side of willoughburg is an ocean.
Nick: See what O mean? But, he does have all sorts of good information. He would most likely know who would want to buy a dog that sheds dandruff of gold.
Damsel: As long as it will help us get my son back.
Nick: I swear it will. (Reaches his car, and begins to unlock it)
A man has gotten out of the stalled car. He is not a very distinguishable or easily seen man. He has kicked the tires, and is now pushing the car at Nick and Damsel. Unfortunatley, they still do not notice. Nick and Damsel have already gotten into Nick's car. As Nick drives away, the man stops pushing and raises his fist yelling “Curse you Nick Danger!!!”
Nick's car is seen to park in front of a seedy looking bar. Nick and Damsel get out, and they walk toward the bar. Then they walk right past it to a Small corner store.
Nick: Hold on, theres a secret knock.
Nick knocks on the door three times and something is heard inside. It is a voice.
Shade: What?
Nick: It's Nick, I got a problem.
Shade: So?
Nick: I need your help, I'll make it worth it.
The door opens and a tall, lanky, sallow, and bony man is seen. He has a gaunt appearance, and is very disgruntled looking. He is Shade E. Shimpkus, a man who lives on both sides of the law. A frequent informant to the police as well as a black market king, he is known by all as the one to go to when something needs fixing.
Nick: Evening Shade.
Shade: How can i help you? I know, you need some groceries. I have some fresh produce, just got in today. Even give you a discount.
Nick: I'll have none of your counterlope cantelfit!
Damslel: Dont you mean counterfit cantlelope?
Nick: None of those either!
Shade: and who woulod this simply scintilating seductress be?
Nick: That's not important Shade. I'm here for some information. Im looking for a stolen dog, a very important dog.
Shade: Sounds like a pecuniary matter to me.
Nick: You did always handle the odd things well.
Shade: Not peculiarly, pecuniary. A matter of money my minty Muchacho.
Nick: In that case, I think I need to borrow twenty bucks.
Money is exchanged.
Nick: Good to know you generosity hasnt atrophied.
Nick gives Shade the same twenty dollar bill back.
Shade: Yeah, this'll do it. Anyway, I hear talk of some strange happenings going on around the piers. People leaving richer than when they entered, stuff like that. But be careful, theres also been talk that The Monkey is going nuts for his bananas.
Nick: What? Has he been doing things different?
Shade: Yeah, he usually down here twice a week buying produce. But he has been nowhere to be seen this week. Last week too.
Nick: Thanks Shade. We have some business to attend to. Bye.
Shade: Bye Nick, good luck.
As Nick and damsel leave, a man, the same man from earlier, comes out from behind the shadows. He and Shade begin to talk. We can't hear them, but the man looks very sinister and pays Shade for some reason. The scene fades out. We now see Nicj and Damsel riding in the car towards the piers. The car stops in front of a series of warehouses. Nick and Damsel get out.
Nick: Wait here, we don’t know whats in there.
Nick goes into the dark and creepy warehouse. Suddenly, a crash is heard.
Damsel: Nick! Are you alright?
Nick: Yeah, I knocked over some paint cans. (comes back out) I don’t get it, its empty. Absolutely empty.
Damsel: Well, what if we tried checking that warehouse over there?
Damsel points out a warehouse that is 10 yards down the street. The lights are on, there is the sounds of people inside.
Nick: Umm, right.
They go to the warehouse and stop at the door.
Nick: Listen, the people in her might be dangerous, and we might need to rely on my quick thinking. So, do as I tell you, and we may just get our man, er, dog. You ready?
Damsel: Yeah, I think im ready.
They go in, the light are on only in back, so it is very dark in the entryway.
Damsel: It’s so dark, can you find a light switch?
Suddenly the lights turn on.
Damsel: Thanks Nick.
Nick: That wasn’t me.
They look around, and see they are surrounded. The silence is pierced by a yelp, and then a loud thud. Nick has fainted. A man steps forward, and starts to speak.
Rudolph: Good evening. I am The Monkey, and I hope I will be able to accomadate you well. I'd offer you a rest, but it seems Mr Danger has beat me to it.
laughter. Nick starts to wake up.
Nick: Who? What? Hey, I know who you are! (Pulls a gun.) Alright, everyone keep your pants up, and no funny movements.
Damsel: What about their hands?
Nick: Yeah! Keep those up too!
Rudolph: Mister Danger, I think we have some things to discuss. Another man, Luigi, grabs Damsel. Nick faints. Now, Mister danger-
Nick: I can’t hear you, I’ve fainted.
Rudolph: Don’t make me do something I wouldn’t want to.
Nick: Fine, but dont be all sentitious. Gets up. Before we talk Rudy, I think it only fair I warn you that you can’t hold me here.
Rudolph: Oh really?
Nick: Yes. I am a master escape artist. And I can do it in the dark.
Rudolph: Sure you are Mister Danger, and i suppose you are a master trapeze artist as well.
Nick: Well you dont have to be mordant. And don't nettle, i'm just trying to warn you there is no possible way to hold me here. As soon as those lights are out, im gone!
Rudolph: Fine mister loudmouth, prove it! Since you are the consummate athlete here, escape if you can! Lights are turened off. Mister Danger, are you going to show us? Mister Danger? Wait a minute! Turn those lights on! Lights are turned on.
Nick: Is next to the door. You know, Its harder than it looks. Runs away.
Rudolph: After him you fools!!!
From the darkness a sinister shape emerges. He walks over to Monkey and begins to speak.
Sinister man: Dont be a worry Wrench, we'll get Danger. For all his bravado he is weak. You see, we have not only a client of his, but we also have a love of his! Mwuhahahaha!