Lonely nights (full)

I’d steeled myself to do this. Being a single mother of a 10 year old boy was never going to be easy. Sitting him in front of me I saw his brown eyes looking up at me full of that innocence of the child. How to tell him? How to tell him of the dangers out there? The traps, disappointments, hurt, and worse, that great biological urge that demanded he go through it all.

I wish he didn’t have to know, wish he could stay as he is. No more cares in the world than a scraped knee or a hard word in his school books.

“I have to tell you about something”

Those eyes opening just a fraction wider at my serious tone. Had I found out about how something naughty he’d done? Was it worse? Like how I’d had to tell him a year ago that his daddy wouldn’t be coming home. I had to do this a different way, I was too serious, and he looked so worried.

“You’re growing up to be a big boy now Timmy. A man. You have to know some things about the world that no one has ever told you before”

His worry faded into a confused look. Yes, he was my big boy, he’d comforted me so after I’d told him Geoff had died. Really becoming a man, he’d been my companion in grief, holding me tight when I cried. I don’t think he knew that there were more things to learn. He knew there were things to memorise at school, or that he needed to practice his throwing so he could get on the team. But something serious that he didn’t already know?

“Yes, you’re growing up to be a big boy now, and when boys grow up to be men they have to know some things”

“Yes mummy?”

“You know when boys and girls grow up, they can have children. Children just like you, just like mummy and daddy did?”

I nearly choked when I said that. Geoff would have done this so much better than me. At least he knew about growing up as a boy. Why couldn’t we have been together longer so we could have had a girl as well? He’d be so good explaining how boys were supposed to be. My darling girl would have been all mine. Telling her would have been fun; giggling and sharing secrets. But I had to do this, all on my own now.

“Boys grow up to be men, and when you’re a full grown man, you’ll want to fall in love and have babies of your own. Just like mummy and daddy did”

I really did cry this time. It was too much. He leaned across and put his arms round me. Just as he did when he held me as I sobbed into the night.

“I know mummy. When I grow up I’ll be a good daddy. Like my daddy was. I’ll be so good. I’ll do even better. I won’t ever, ever make anyone cry like you had to.

I cried louder and hugged him tighter. I couldn’t do this tonight. But at least I knew that he’d never do anything to hurt anyone. That’s the important thing, and he’d gain that sacred love that parents have for their child.

Not like Geoff when he left us for another woman, and I’d started lying to Timmy… and to myself.

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