Colbert Report Segment

STEPHEN:

Folks, we all know the liberal media play fast and loose with the truth, but now it seems CBS News Anchor, Katie Couric - friend of the show and defeated contestant in our recent “Leg Off” - can’t even trust her own staff. (By the way, Katie, I am willing to offer you a re-match on that “Leg Off”…)

Last week Ms Couric taped a piece for a video diary segment on her show. Now, she assumed the piece had come from the pen of one of her writers. In fact, the monologue had been stolen in its entirety from Jeffrey Zaslow’s column in the Wall Street Journal. Of course this left Ms Couric with a red face and the producer who provided her with the material was fired.

Now I'm a busy man - I know it’s difficult to keep an eye on your staff at all times, but let this be a lesson to you, Ms. Couric – instead of writing cheers and shaking those pom poms, you need to be more vigilant when it comes to your underlings. You need to monitor them constantly. I mean follow them home if you have to – that’s what I do...

...in an unrelated matter, I’ve had some staff resignations recently...which means we’re somewhat short staffed here at The Report. However, Bobby, my Stage Manager has been picking up the slack. As well as his own duties, he’s also been taking care of my post show rub down, alphabetising my “House” DVDs and writing material for the show.

CUT TO BOBBY LOOKING TIRED AND EMOTIONAL


STEPHEN:

I really want to thank you Bobby. You’ve done some great work this week. Although you might want to use a little less fabric softener on those towels…I like to feel the burn. Movin’ on…


TO CAMERA 3


Nation, I never thought this would happen to me, but…last night I had the most amazing experience of my life… There I was, on guard as usual, when out of the shadows came a musclebound dim skinned amigo who asked if he could “man my post” This illegal horny hombre went south of my border without a Green Card all night long…


STEPHEN TAILS OFF. WITHOUT TURNING ROUND.

STEPHEN:

…Bobby?


CUT TO BOBBY LOOKING SHEEPISH

CUT BACK TO STEPHEN


STEPHEN:

Bobby. Did you write this?


BOBBY:

Uh, sorta? I’ve been really busy – I haven’t slept in 4 days - I’m sorry…I…got confused….


STEPHEN:

Bobby?!


BOBBY:

(MUTTERS) I got it, uh, I got it from the letters page of “Homoland Security”


STEPHEN:

What?


BOBBY:

It’s a gay magaz…


STEPHEN:

I know what it is… I mean, I can guess what it is! The point is…let me see this magazine…



CLOSE UP ON MAGAZINE:



“Homoland Security”

Main Article: “Spanking. Unreasonable Force?”





STEPHEN:

Bobby – where did you find that magazine?


BOBBY:

In your…



BOBBY TRAILS OFF. STEPHEN STARES AT HIM, DARING HIM TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE…


I…I’d rather not say


STEPHEN:

Bobby, bring that over here...


BOBBY BRINGS MAGAZINE TO THE DESK AND HANDS IT TO STEPHEN

Well, Bobby, I have to say that I’m disappointed. Consider yourself relieved of writing duties. Now…I should fire your ass, but I’m not going to... I dunno…let's say... you leave that magazine with me to dispose of and…we’ll say no more about it. You can go.

SHOVES MAGAZINE UNDER DESK


(TO BOBBY) Remember. Less fabric softener!

TO CAMERA 3:

Movin’ on…