Parenting

I don’t like being around my parents because I feel suppressed by them. Like I am powerless. Like they have all the authority and I am lower than them, like I am not equal, like I am not worthy enough to be treated like another human being. I may not speak back to them, even if they are wrong and I am innocent. I have tried to argue, but I may not. I am not allowed to give my point of view. They are always right and I am always wrong, no matter what. They pretend to hear what I say but they never listen. Whatever I say has no importance. I have to give in to them. I am powerless. I have to do whatever they say. I have no choice. I can only bare my back to them to allow them to hit me, even when I don’t deserve it. I am permanently afraid that my dad might break out and hit me one day. Right now I can see the rage in his eyes, I can feel his grip on my wrist pulling me. I can feel myself pulling away, but me not being allowed to do anything to help myself. I need to know that he isn’t going to hurt me for the rest of my life whenever he wants to. Or else I will never be able to feel comfortable around him. I don’t like to be scared all the time that he might get cross with me. I don’t like it when he hits me. I don’t like it when he breaks me down and makes me feel like nothing, like I’m worthless. I can’t take they fear of worrying all the time if he is going to hurt me. How am I ever going to get any confidence if he keeps shouting at me and keeps on breaking me down all the time? How will I ever become someone? Please don’t be so hard on me. I’m also a person and deserve to be treated decently. Please dad, don’t hurt me ever again. Just promise me that. I need to know it. And I also need to know that you don’t want to hurt me. That’s all I need to know. I can’t take the continuous fear. I can’t live with it. I can’t do anything I want to. I am so afraid of doing something wrong. Just speak nicely to me. Please don’t shout. Treat my like a human being. Please don’t hit me ever again. But I can already hear your answer. You will say that you will hit me if you want to and if you think I need it. And I don’t think that’s right. I don’t feel like I have ever done anything to deserve that. I feel I won’t ever be able to trust him not to hurt me. All I ever try do is to please my parents, to make sure that I don’t upset them. But I’m always doing something wrong no matter how hard I try.