Losing My Sanity

It was getting pretty dark but the street lamps were not lit anyway. The thing that depressed me was the wind, cold as hell and made me shivering. I was just thinking of doing something or going somewhere, I had a plenty of free time. I really had. And that was because I had quarreled with my parents two days ago and since that time I was wandering across the city, watching people passing me by thinking of their own stuff, problems and all. You know, sometimes it’s kinda interesting for me to stick around gazing other people’s eyes trying to notice some emotions or something. But the thing is that you see those eyes just for a couple of seconds and every single pair of those eyes shows you quite different things. To tell you the truth, sometimes I feel like noticing that kind of stuff and I really get the bang out of that.
Some people think it’s weird, some people simply do not pay any goddamn attention on that. They think it’s a period of adolescence or something and that every teen goes thru the phase in this age and all.
So, as I was going nowhere I was trying to figure our one important thing. Where was I supposed to go? This question made me think hard and I was knocking myself out to contrive something. All of a sudden I got this idea. The next thing I planned to do, I thought of giving a buzz to my girlfriend old Kelly. That was a marvelous idea. Though it was getting pretty late and she would have probably refused to go out but I really wanted to see her and started looking for a damn phone booth. I spent around ten minutes to find it. For a while I didn’t think she was home or something. Nobody kept answering. Then, finally somebody picked up the phone.
- Hello, - that was probably her mom’s voice. I kept silent for a while hesitating what to say. – Hello! Who’s this? – I heard again. Then I said:
- Hello, could you please ask Kelly to talk? – I tried so much to talk calmly but my goddamn voice was sort faltering.
- Who is this calling? - This kind of question was really unpredictable. The thing is that I didn’t want her mom to know I was calling.
- This is Benedict Caulfield. Could you please connect me with Kelly? – I said finally. Benedict was her classmate. He was a real dope he always used to cut across someone’s business. I didn’t like him and so did Kelly.
- Ah, Benedict, why are you calling so late? Is something wrong with you? You got ill? – Kelly’s mom was getting pesky. Does she really care whether I was sick or not? The hell she did.
- No Mrs. Adams, everything’s fine. I’m just calling to find out about our home assignment for tomorrow.
- But Benedict! Tomorrow you’re having the day-off. Don’t you know that?
What a jerk! How could I say the crap like that. I acted like a real jackass. How the heck could I forget about the damn day-off! I’m a real madman, I swear.
- Oh, you know, Mrs.Adams I’m gonna do some hometask today so I could be free tomorrow. But could you please call Kelly to talk if she’s not asleep?
I was getting angry. I really was. Who could stand that useless crap?
No one. Except me, cause I’m a madman.
- Okay, wait a second I’ll tell her, - her mom said.
What a pleasure! At last I got rid of that irritable voice. For a couple of seconds there was silence and finally I heard the familiar sweet voice of Kelly:
- Hello!
- Hey Kelly! How nice to hear you. Your mom really drives me mad, you know that. Hey I swear I’m a grand guy. I talked to her at around two hours. Two hours of useless shooting the crap. Can you imagine that?
- Benedict, what’cha talking about? How can you dare to say that about my...
- Hey sweety, I’m not that dopey Benedict anyway. Hey this is Kevin.
She didn’t recognize me at once. That killed me. My girlfriend couldn’t recognize my goddamn voice thru the phone. What a crumby stuff!
- Oh, is this really you?! So why the heck...
- Listen, Kelly. I don’t want your mom to know I’m calling. That’s good she didn’t recognize me.
- Okay, but why are you calling so late? Where are you? Who’s with you?
- I’m in the phone booth with myself. Look I wanna meet you soon. I mean I wanna meet you now. Well, can you sign out for an hour or so to make it now? Willja?
- Kev..oh, Benedict you know what is the time? It’s around ten. Isn’t it too late for both of us to go out?
- Listen Kelly, I need to see you very much. Tell mom you’re gonna give me, I mean Benedict, some books or something. Tell her something. I really mean it. I wanna meet you anyhow.
- Oh, well, okay I’ll try. But how do we manage to do that?
- Let’s fix it up near the South Park on the bench near the “Old Shoes” store. Fine?
- Fine. See you there. So long.
And she hung up. I did too. I was getting sore about that call. I don’t know why but I really was. Why did I say I wanted to meet her right away, so fast? I don’t know.
All of a sudden a thought of my parents came on my mind. It’s interesting if they at least care to find me. If they do so I acted right and said I was Benedict. But if they don’t, so I don’t give a damn about it also. I’ll bet they sit at home without even batting an eyelash about my absence. Some way back I wanted to come right out and tell them about all my intentions of committing suicide because they don’t understand me, it’s over their heads anyway. I wanted to tell everything I was thinking of them and thank for my birth and say good-bye( I was picturing the hysterical scream of my mom, broken plates smashed against the floor, the red face of my dad threatening to fist fight me every next minute – that made me even more depressed). But I tried to keep myself away from that, because despite all that shit I tried to find some good sides around but flunked with every next shy as well. I was fed up with all the crap they tried to shoot in my head but I suppressed all that stuff unless I felt like running away from home. I know that wasn’t the best action in my entire life. I admit it but that’s much better if I would’ve stayed there in that hell. Obviously I might have had the feeling of dismay or something but I didn’t. Maybe I’m wacky but I really didn’t. That’s the stuff. I felt free and I didn’t care about anything except meeting Kelly in a few minutes.
So I was right around that bench near the South Park and “Old Shoes” store fiddling around and all gazing the empty street with dim lights falling from the street lamps. I was still cold naturally.
Kelly appeared all of a sudden from the dark wall at the end of the street. Her cute pretty shape was moving slightly, passing the trees and lanterns. She was dressed good enough not to catch cold but I was damn shivering. She was carrying some books. When she came up to me I sort of gave her a kiss and said how are you but she wouldn’t care to answer.
- Why didja call me so late, Kevin? What happened? Where have you been for two days? Why did your parents call me? And are you okay anyway?
To tell you the truth I was a bit embarrassed to hear that great bunch of questions so I just looked at her without dropping a word. She was looking at me too, probably waiting for answers. Finally I started answering those stupid questions but did it backasswards.
- I’m fine except of the fact I’m a bit tired but nevermind, - I was really tired though.
- So why the heck didn’t you...
- I quarreled with my parents two days ago because they had screwed me up. For these two days I was with Joey and Paul in the uptown (I lied, I don’t know why but I lied to her). I didn’t call you because I was afraid your mom would recognize me.
- But...
- I called you today cause I couldn’t take that anymore. I wanted to see you. I need your support.
She looked at me with that fixity of look as if her eyes were focused on me and she would say some words of commiseration or something.
- You need to have a rest. You’ve been walking for so long. You’re really exhausted.
- That’s what I mean. I mean it. I’m terribly exhausted but I have no place to go. I’d better sleep under this pretty bench afterwards.
- Hey what the hell are you talking about? Are you drunk?
That question killed me. How the hell could I be drunk if I could think clearly, talk normally and stand still. Girls always ask questions like that when there’s nothing else to ask.
- Am I supposed to?, - I said – why is it so, when I say things like I’ve just said, you ask me if I’m drunk. How come?
- Do you realize what are you talking about, Kevin?, - she repeated – what happened to you? You changed.
- Really? How? Good or bad? Let me guess.
- Listen, Kevin, shut up please. If you don’t shut up now I swear I will go home.
- Why d’you say that? Just to make me shut up? Will you feel better afterwards?
- Stop it, Kevin! Cut out!, - boy, she was nearly yelling at me.
All of a sudden I shut up. I looked at her and tried to say something cleverer but couldn’t say anything. I know it sounds corny but I really couldn’t. Those thoughts were mixing in my head making a terrible clutter. I couldn’t even combine a goddamn word. Maybe the cold weather influenced me so damn great but I couldn’t say a word I swear. Meanwhile she was looking somewhere aside, in the darkness between those trees in the park. No one was around. The street was totally empty. Suddenly I started talking:
- Hey, Kelly, you know, I’m sorry for that. I mean I’m sorry for my lousy words. Please don’t get sore about it. I’m so dopey. Hey sorry. You know, I love you. I love you so much. I really do. I missed you. You know, every single minute I was thinking of you, of your eyes, of your smile. Kelly, I ... I can’t stand my parents. I hate them. They annoy the hell out of me.. I’d leave them, leave them at all and go somewhere far away with you if you agreed but I know you wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t just because you love your parents and you wouldn’t want them to worry about you. You are a very good person, Kelly, - I was shivering as hell shooting all those clumsy words but the thing was I couldn’t stop talking,- I love you so much but I can’t bear this anymore. I mean I can’t bear this pressure and I have nothing to do. I can’t do anything, - oh, God, I was talking gibberish,- I’m a loser, you know, I’m a madman, I’m not for you. I mean I love you but something tells me to lay off. I won’t get away with this, - I touched her shoulders with my trembling hands and looked into her eyes. They looked so embarrassed and strange. I was going crazy. – I think I’m talking too much, I just need to calm down. Calm down, - I felt I was getting sweaty as hell, I couldn’t hold myself, that was the thing. Suddenly I sat down on the ground and started crying. God, I was really crying. Kelly stood and watched me helplessly. Damn, how could I get so low.
- Kelly,- I blurted, - I’m sorry. I can’t take it anymore. You must help me to get out. I’m too lousy but I can’t brake up my devotion to you. Damn! And I don’t want to. You’re the only one, you’re that unattainable dream of mine but I feel I won’t get it made. I swear I won’t.
I was still sitting on the ground and sort of crying and she was standing aside with no word. Then, all of a sudden she sort of made a sign:
- Sorry,- she said, then turned and started walking away. I looked and shouted: - You’re doing right! Leave me! Do it now!.. I’m worthless! I’m goddamn worthless!,- I was blirting – but I will come to you with a bouquet of roses asking for apologize! Do you hear me?! Which do you like? Will you open the door and listen to me?! Will you speak to me?
Willja?!,- she didn’t even care to listen then. She was going farther and farther each next step. – No, you won’t...you won’t listen to me, - I was talking to myself as she entered the dark wall at the end of the street. The next second a thought came on my mind. In a big hurry I took out a small pocket knife. – Sorry, you won’t see those roses, you’ll put them on my casket... The blood squirted on the ground and on my shirt and face. I felt a terrible pain in my hand ran thru the whole body. The last thing I saw was a man running to me. Why wasn’t he asleep? I didn’t care to think about it too much. I was feeling dizzy. The world shook and disappeared.

kim