A Letter Goodbye

May18, 2007          

My dear friend,

         Once upon a time we were friends inseparable. Co-workers, drinking buddies, brothers in all but blood. But there was something else there. Something I never admitted to myself. And more directly, to you.

         One night, do you remember, I think it was the same night as the karaoke and the "liquid courage", you asked me if I was gay. The question took me completely off guard and "yes" was on the tip of my tongue. But fear intruded and I quickly, perhaps too quickly and too loudly, said "no" instead. I wanted to ask whatever made you think that. Instead you turned to your drink and, just as quick as my denial, turned the conversation to another topic. As I recreate that night in my mind's eye I seem (or is it now hope) to see a bit of sadness, of loss, of regret in your eyes right as you turn away.

         Did I really see that? Am I just imagining it? Was there another question you wanted to ask me? Something you would have asked had I answered otherwise? Had I been more honest with myself about myself? What was the motive behind your asking me that?

         Perhaps I'll never know. I'd like to - but I don't see the possibility as I've never been able to get in touch with you since I left the state.

         But I needed to at least say some things before I'm able to move forward much more with my life. For my own sake if not yours.

         It has only been in the past six or seven years that I have come to accept that I am gay. And only in the past two or three years that I have come to understand that I love you. I have since the first day I saw you. I always will.

         I have known about the former for most of my life but, even while acknowledging it on the sly (and even openly several years before I met you), my upbringing - my Christian upbringing - let me bury that knowledge deeply whenever I didn't want to face it.

         At some level I guess I've always known about the latter. I even acknowledged it to you though heavily disguised in words that a straight man might understand and accept. The words were, "I think I'm addicted to you. I can't seem to be around you enough and really miss you when you're not around." Did you realize what I was saying? I certainly didn't. At least, not consciously.

         But now, even with the fear of rejection, I can admit this simple truth. To both you and to myself.

         I love you.

         Ever since that night we last parted company, something inside me died. Some part of me stopped living and began to only exist. For fourteen years I have been a body occupying space on this earth with little to show for that existence.

         When realization and acceptance within myself about this truth finally settled in, something else began to happen. Love of another kind - or rather, from another source - slipped quietly into my life and into my heart. I've met another man who I think I could love as strongly as I ever loved you. The difference this time is that I can acknowledge it and attempt to nurture it.

         My Friend, he will never replace you in my heart. No one ever could. No one ever will. But knowing this, I can now reserve that part of me safely and nurture and cherish the memory of you forever - and move on.

         I wish you well on your journey through this life. And should we ever meet again I will wish you the same then and tell you as much of this as you allow.

         Wish me well on my new journey, on my new growth, on my new love. Forgive me for any hurt I may have ever caused you and our relationship. Forgive me for not trusting you as much as you deserved to be trusted - and as much as I thought I had trusted you before that night at the bar. Forgive me.

         And be well.

Lovingly yours,

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Dear Reader,

I am hesitant to add this next part but it is something I need to do. Another WDC author is doing research for a character on unrequited love and asked some questions at my invitation.

After much consideration, I have decided to open that interview to Registered Authors as part of my healing process. ("Invalid Item"  .) I may be taking a bit of a risk by doing so, but it needs to be done. Perhaps, if you have gone through a similar unrequited love situation, no matter your orientation, you will find something there to help you on your own path to healing.

Thank you for stopping by and sharing in my heart. I may be a bit too much like my lead character in "Unguarded", trusting to a fault. But that was one of the things which drew my above unnamed friend to me to become my friend.

And I to him. As you'll see in the interview.

Sincerely,
~Dughlas