Bench#3

      It was like magic. If I hadn’t known better I would have thought that the car had driven me there itself. My mind had been so busy.
      I wasn’t usually so impulsive but today I had just thrown a few things in a bag and jumped in my car. The mountains were green and lush on one side of the highway with a fast running river on the other. I always felt more alive and able to reflect when I was in the mountains.
      Soon I was driving in to a familiar town I had not visited since the last time I had been there with Ben. Instinctively I drove to the bed and breakfast where we had spent so many wonderful times. I checked in and was shown to my room. Looking out the window I saw the bench down by the stream that ran behind the house.
    Next thing I knew I found myself out there setting on the bench, looking out at the water and trying to come to terms with what had happened earlier that day.
      Immediately when I had heard that unique, deep masculine voice on the phone earlier that day I had felt a fluttering of feelings I had tried to shut away for a long time. Five years had passed and here he was on the other end of the phone. Why was he calling after so long?
      His voice was clear, his words rational and we had a pleasant three hour conversation. He told me he had been deep in a relationship with a woman who he had found to be a habitual liar and not a little neurotic. After a fight he had began thinking back over our relationship and how well I had treated him. He recalled me bringing him dinner in bed when he was tired after a long day of working in the hot sun or taking care of him when he was sick. He knew he had been loved and feelings began to stir in him again.
    He had told me of the horrors of the ‘meth’ life he had been living and about coming off the stuff. We laughed like we used to and it was so comfortable as if no time had passed at all. He wondered if we could at least be friends. I knew what I wanted to say; but I told him I had enjoyed talking to him again and that I needed to think about the rest.
      After I hung up the phone I felt exhilarated. I really had thought I would never hear from him again. I just thought he had lost himself in drugs. I realized how much I had missed him. The feelings flooded to the surface again.
      But it wasn’t long before I began to think: What if he really wasn’t done with the drugs? What if this was just a short hiatus from that world. A lucid moment in a world of drug induced chaos.
      Tears burned my cheeks. A flood of wishes unfulfilled, the realism of what had actually ended it all for us. The anger and disgust came then. His friend Jeremy had gotten him hooked on the stuff. At first I had no idea but then it became abundantly clear. Cleaning one day I found the paraphernalia and even a ball of chalky white material in a small bag.
    I didn’t know what to think. He was a building contractor and his work was involved and stressful. I had noticed the late hours on the week ends and how paranoid and weird he had begun acting lately. Why had he brought this poison into our lives? It would be a while before Ben got home. I spent that time in agony and disbelief. When he did come home it was the first time I had ever given Ben an ultimatum.
    “If you don’t stop this I am leaving.”
    He made his decision and I left a few days later. We didn’t talk after that. We had not been married; there was no reason for us to communicate again.
    A fish jumped and I came back to the present. It was dark and getting chilly. I rose and looked up at the stars. There seemed to be a trillion of them twinkling much clearer up here than down in the city. I was tired and headed inside. The wrought iron bed in the room looked very inviting. I undressed and lay down on the bed. Closing my eyes I tried to clear my mind so I could get some rest.
    I tossed and turned and the love ghosts visited me there in the dark. All the memories; I couldn’t escape them.
    My thoughts went back to when we had first met. I was moving into an apartment in the north side of the city and I noticed him watching me from his window. He offered to help me with some boxes and I was so dusty and tired I jumped at the opportunity of some help. He was tall and good looking with the loveliest eyes. They were a rich brown and looked right through to my very soul. His hair was wavy and brown; longer than I was used to seeing on men now days. I remember how sexy I thought it was, so natural and kind of wild.
    When we were done he hung out a little nervously by the door. “A friend and I are going downtown for a drink later if you’d like to join us.”
    He watched my face as I dusted off my clothes. “That would be nice.”
    That was the beginning of a six year relationship. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know one another.
    There was a popular area in our neighborhood called Hyde Park. It had a sandwich shop, barber, several bars and a few other businesses. An annual street fair took place there in late summer. Local bands played and there were crafts and food vendors. It was a nice atmosphere.
    We ventured through on a warm Saturday afternoon. We drank several glasses of local wine we both liked. The music was nice with a good beat and Ben and I danced until they closed down the streets. I felt very attracted to this man.
    Walking home later our conversation dealt with our last relationships. When we rounded the corner to our apartment building he invited me in for another glass of wine. I didn’t want the evening to end and I got the impression he didn’t either.
    We talked for quite awhile until Ben suddenly rose and took my hand. He didn’t say a word, just led me into his bedroom. We kissed and slowly undressed one another. The lovemaking was hot and intense, as if we had been searching for one another all our lives.
    The next morning we were both dehydrated. Ben went across the street to the neighborhood laundry to get us a pop. As soon as he left I began feeling anxious. I really liked the guy. Had I made a mistake last night? I got up, dressed and hurried out the door toward my apartment.  Just as I was going up the steps to my apartment Ben caught up to me and talked me into coming back to his apartment.
    After that we were together constantly. We took walks in the evenings, made love in the park, and laid in bed on Sundays and read to one another. Several months passed and then we moved in together. 
      I remember our first Christmas together. We were two penniless lovers. We found a ‘Charlie Brown’ tree and some second hand ornaments. We couldn’t afford a tree stand so we set the tree up between the couch and a chair. It fell over constantly and became quite the conversation piece.
    We would lie on a pallet in front of the fireplace and listen to Prairie Home Companion on the local university radio station.
    We went for drives in the mountains. One of those drives we found this out of the way bed and breakfast.  Ben and I had cuddled on that bench by the stream many times.
      The last thing I had expected was to hear from Ben. That had all ended years ago. At first I had grieved it like a death. As time went by I had tried to put it away and not let my mind and heart visit it very often. He had been the love of my life and I had rarely even dated since. I seemed to measure all men up to the Ben I had known before the drugs had poisoned him.   
    I spent several days there. Hiking and just enjoying the solitude. The area was beautiful and I was glad I had started freelancing so I didn’t have to hurry back down to the city and a 9 to 5 job.
    On the fourth day I rose early and headed downstairs for breakfast. As I came into the dining room the proprietress got my attention.
    “A man has been asking about you. He is waiting in the other room to talk to you.” I stared at her for a moment; that fluttering in my stomach.
      I followed her into the parlor. There staring out the window was Ben. He turned and smiled at me with those glorious brown eyes I had never been able to get out of my mind. We stepped toward one another; then I was in his arms. It was as if no time had gone by.
    “Shall we tell her we are going to stay another night?”
    I just smiled.