Complicated

If you had to make a decision between two people, both you love and have feelings for of course how would you be sure you were making the right choice. If you could help me understand my life I would be very grateful. I am lost.
Lets give them names.
My first love “Hope”.. I still have hope that maybe one day  he would start realizing how stupid he’s living his life and probably just maybe probably make the effort to CHANGE. I was head over heels passionately mad about him, but his unfaithfulness, betrayal and mostly his lies was what I hated. I was always hurt  and he of course was always sorry. He lost control of his life. Breathing in the lies he created and sometimes even believed them himself! I wish I understood the reasons behind his lies, I didn’t but I always guessed it was because he thought he was never good enough which was wrong. Deep inside he was different: affectionate, tender and caring. His generosity is what made me fall for him. Seeing me sad would break his heart, but my heart always ended up breaking because of him. Everything with Hope was dramatic. We had our ups and downs, but whenever he wasn’t planning a new lie or a scandal it was the happiest of our days. He cared too much about me, but lost control of his life. We broke up of course and I still didn’t want to leave. I cared too much about him to let him ruin his life and I couldn’t live without having him around. Understanding, and always listened. Always available. His cheerfulness put a smile in everybody’s face, and he always tried too hard to make people laugh even though it wasn’t time for it, and always succeeded. Do those good qualities make him worthy of my love? Hope tried winning me back, I already gave him lots of chances and it was always the same story. The same lies and the same excuse. I couldn’t trust him anymore. Too hard, too complicated. And because I cared a lot about him I stayed with Him thinking that maybe I could try to help change him into a better person. He was too stubborn to realize how wrong he was and thought he was and is never wrong. In spite of the fact that we are more friends than couples now, he still thinks he can get away with dishonesty. Once a liar always a liar and a lie never stays hidden, the truth always appears. I struggled trying to “fix” him to become a better person not for me but for his self, he wouldn’t. He was a lost case. I miss him.
So then came “Madness”, everything with him was madness, but he kind of made me get over Hope. I had to go on with life and Madness helped me to do that and realize that waiting for Hope to change was the stupidest I could ever get because there was no hope in Hope. The drama stopped, I loved being with Madness he was in love with me but it wasn’t the same as what I felt before. I had to make an extra effort with him, he wanted everything to be done his way and I sometimes felt as though I wasn’t appreciated. In the other hand it was much more easier and better than the life I lived before. I had to please Madness and make him feel wanted if I wanted him to treat me right. It wasn’t as easygoing as it was to me but at least I have someone I could trust. Trustworthy was one of his best qualities. He did require lots of attention and this was a very difficult thing for me to do. As a spoiled child I liked getting attention especially from a person I adore, but this time I had to give in for him. He was very good to me. Something I didn’t like about Madness is that he wanted to make me stop talking to “Hope” but I wouldn’t because I promised him no matter what happens I will still be there and we will still be friends. This hurt Madness a lot to see me still talking and caring about my ex. I am not a person that could leave people and give up on them. I am faithful and I always believed  the best in all. People deserve chances and opportunities. Madness always thought I still had feelings for my ex and I always told him the truth and that was that Hope was always there to listen and that he wasn’t as understanding. Honesty is what I admire and that is the kind of person I am. I promised I would never break his heart and leave him for anyone but all he had to do was just trust me. I hated being deceived and I wouldn’t do that to him nor anyone else. He just had to wait for me to let go of my past. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t want to be with anyone I just want to be by myself. Loneliness is like murder it slaughters your soul without mercy. Everyone needs that person. The person you could depend on and talk to. But where could you find the right one? I have lots of expectations in my life and I work hard to get to what I want but this and this only is the hardest to get to and find. Is there but untouchable. I hope I find it all. Pure love.